Clowns – nature’s murderers! Today, we’re going to discuss Clowns. Where do they come from? What is their life cycle? And of course, why are they even a F#@%ing thing?!!!

Feel encouraged to read this article in the voice of David Attenborough.

Clowns have a unique life-cycle.

They are always born in Vermont because they nest amongst the maple trees.

They begin as evil infants. At age 4, they get their first taste of human flesh, typically a kind neighbor who eats Pepperidge Farm cookies and has a spouse who makes way too many apple pies.

Then, they have their awkward teen years.

At this age, they’ve had their first kill and purchased at least one Bernie Sanders t-shirt and experimented with cannibalism or as they put it “Neo-Paleo” *groan*. They refer to the homeless as “Free Range” and Vegans are “Grass-fed”.

Clowns enter their Adult phase.

At this phase, they move to the suburbs for fatter, slower victims and, of course, better schools.

In their older years, they become solitary murderers and keep up on current events.

It is unknown to science why clowns are even a thing. I mean, we have tigers and things like that already and they’re scary enough. Is it really necessary to put makeup on a predator to be nightmare fuel at a kid’s party? I would vote no.

Happy Halloween and try not to be eaten by a clown.