The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Simon, King of the Witches (dir by Bruce Kessler)


Simon (Andrew Prine) is a bearded man who lives in a storm drain and who says that he is on a quest to become a god.  He also says that he’s a warlock and he wants to make sure that everyone understands that there’s a huge difference between being a wizard and being a warlock.  Don’t call Simon a wizard!

Simon’s quest for godhood hasn’t led to much success so he makes his living selling trinkets and charms to gullible people.  One night, the police arrest him for vagrancy.  While sitting in jail, Simon meets Turk (George Paulsin), a gay male prostitute who quickly becomes Simon’s first disciple.  With the help of Turk, Simon is introduced to upper class society.  It turns out that Turk’s clients include several very wealthy people.  Simon is a hit on the party circuit.  Slumming hippies view him as a potential guru.  Wealthy people view him as a humorous oddity.  Simon meets other occultists and starts to engage in bizarre rituals.  He finds time to date Linda (Brenda Scott), the daughter of the totally square district attorney.  Some people insist that Simon is a fake and some people say he is the real thing.  For his part, Simon is soon getting revenge on all of his enemies and taking part in all sorts of freaky ceremonies as he continues his quest for supreme power.

Don’t let the supergroovy name fool you.  Like a lot of films about the 60s and 70s counterculture, Simon, King of the Witches is remarkably dull.  The action moves slowly.  The plot never really makes that much sense.  Andrew Prine gives a wonderfully over-the-top performance as Simon but the rest of the cast never really seems to wake up.  The film’s most interesting moments are the ones where Simon effortlessly switches from upper class society to “street” society.  Undoubtedly, this film’s portrait of jaded people looking for the new thing and getting taken advantage of by a sociopathic grifter felt very familiar in the 70s.  And, actually, I guess it still does.  There’s still a lot of wannabe gurus out there and a lot of people who have neither the willpower nor the intelligence to see through them.  But the film itself just too boring to really be effective.  Probably the most interesting thing about the film is that Simon seems to be a mix of Charles Manson and Rasputin.  Like Manson, Simon knows how to take advantage of those who are lost and seeking a place where they can belong.  And, like Rasputin, Simon turns his sordid lifestyle into an asset when he’s trying to thrill the stuffy old folks.

As I mentioned earlier, the film’s saving grace is Andrew Prine’s intense performance as Simon.  Prine himself was an up-and-coming actor with a bright future ahead of him until his girlfriend, Kathryn Kupcinet, was murdered in 1963.  As the boyfriend, Prine was immediately a suspect.  Though the police quickly cleared him, the scandal still derailed his career and he ended up spending the rest of his career in films like The Town That Dreaded Sundown, Amityville II, and Simon, King of the Witches.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island goes to ancient Egypt!

Episode 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on May 10th, 1980)

This week, Mr. Roarke welcomes two people with two very different fantasies.  Neither one of their fantasies really make much sense but you know Mr. Roarke.  He’s going to give the people what they want, unless he takes some sort of personal dislike to them.  Then, they’re totally going to get screwed.

Lucy Atwell (Joan Collins), for instance, has always fantasized about going back to ancient Egypt and living the life of Cleopatra.  Now, you may wonder why that is, seeing as how Cleopatra lost every man that she ever loved and was eventually killed by an asp.  But no matter!  Mr. Roarke sends Lucy into the past and Lucy quickly discovers that …. wait a minute!  She’s not Cleopatra!  Instead, she’s a part of the harem of Ptolemy (Michael Ansara)!  What the Hell, Mr. Roarke!?  What part of “I want to be Queen of Egypt” sounds like “I want to be a part of some old guy’s harem?”

However, Lucy does look exactly like the real Cleopatra and that might be useful, seeing as how the real Cleopatra is currently being held prisoner.  After a proper amount of royal training, Lucy fills in for Cleopatra and gets to meet and fall in love with Marc Anthony (Ron Ely).  When the real Cleopatra is killed by an asp, the fake Cleopatra gets to rule Egypt and it all works out nicely until …. the fantasy ends.

Oh well, it was a nice weekend.  Time for Lucy to go home except …. who is that waiting for the airplane?  Why, it’s Marc Anthony!  Except his real name is Eric Williams and apparently, he was just a guy living out a fantasy of his own.  He always wanted to know what it would be like to be Marc Anthony because who hasn’t fantasized about briefly ruling Rome and then being exiled and hounded to death by the forces of Augustus?  Anyway, Lucy finds her love and Joan Collins finally gets to play Cleopatra, the role that she was nearly awarded in 1960 before Elizabeth Taylor was selected instead.

Meanwhile, in the episode’s comedic fantasy, dorky Fred Webster (Larry Linville) wants to impress his girlfriend, Laura (Julie Sommars) by being telekinetic.  What?  Seriously, that’s how he wants to impress her?  I mean, it’s Fantasy Island!  Ask for a better job or a nicer car or something.  Anyway, Fred gets his power of telekinesis and uses it to cheat at gambling.  This brings him to the attention of Stephanie (Carol Lynley) and her goons.  When Fred realizes that Stephanie is evil, Stephanie has Laura kidnapped but she’s forgotten that Fred has telekinesis and can just mentally cause a fishing net to wrap up her and her men.  This was an extremely silly fantasy.  In fact, it was too silly for its own good, right down to the scenes where Fred’s eyes take on a green glow while he uses his powers.

This was a pretty forgettable episode but at least there were some nice costumes in the Egyptian fantasy.  Next week, season 3 comes to an end.