Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.4 “Another Kind of War, Another Kind of Peace”

Posted on December 5, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark bring together a family.

Episode 3.4 “Another Kind of War, Another Kind of Peace”

(Dir by Dan Gordon, originally aired on October 15th, 1986)

Clancy (Eugene Roche) is an old man who has never gotten over the death of his son in Vietnam. He lives alone in an apartment in Los Angeles. His only friend is Guido Liggio (Ernest Borgnine), an Italian taxi driver who lives next door. Guido, who came to this country as a refugee during World War II, is the type of salt-of-the-Earth character who says stuff like, “Clancy, how come you no be a-nice to the people?” And Clancy is the type of bitter old man who says stuff like, “Don’t ask me for money, ya bum!”

Jonathan and Mark show up at Clancy’s apartment and inform him that they work for an agency that brings refugees to the United States. They explain that Clancy’s son had a child in Vietnam. Now, both Clancy’s grandchild and the grandchild’s mother are in the United States and they need somewhere to stay. Clancy is angered by the news, claiming that the mother is lying and just trying to get into the country. But eventually, he agrees to allow Lan Nguyen (Haunani Minn) and Michael Nguyen (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) to stay in his apartment. He even agrees to give Michael lunch money so that Michael won’t starve at school. Otherwise, Clancy says that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with either of them.

Guido, on the other hand, is more than willing to host Lan and Michael. He’s a refugee himself and, even more importantly, he’s everyone’s favorite character actor, Ernest Borgnine! But Jonathan and Mark understand that their assignment is to bring together Clancy and his grandson. Guido is a nice guy but he’s not Michael’s grandfather.

At school, a bully (Adam Gifford) is stealing Michael’s lunch money. When Michael says that he needs the money for food, the bully threatens to hurt Clancy. What a jerk! Seriously, check out this totally 80s bully:

When the principal tells Mark and Jonathan that Michael has been spending his lunchtime searching for food in the school dumpsters, Jonathan tells Clancy. Clancy, angered that his money is being wasted, heads down to the school and confronts the bully. Jonathan briefly gives Clancy and Michael “the stuff,” which allows them to beat up the bully and his entire gang. This experience brings grandson and grandfather together. So, I guess the message here is that violence is the answer. Forget about that turning the other cheek stuff. Instead, just throw your bully through a car window.

This episode was pretty much what most people picture when they think of a typical Highway to Heaven episode. It was unabashedly sentimental and a bit simplistic in its approach. It was earnest enough to be likable though a bit too heavy-handed for its own good. Any show that features Ernest Borgnine as a special guest star is not exactly going to deliver anything resembling a subtle story. While this episode was never quite as good as I wanted it to be, I was still glad that Michael and his mother found a home.

So, I Watched Kill Shot (1995, Dir. by Nelson McCormick)

Posted on October 13, 2024 by Dazzling Erin

A group of college students all live in a California apartment complex that’s owned by Jake Mondello (Gianni Russo), who also owns a restaurant and sponsors a beach volleyball team. From the description that I read of the movie’s plot, I thought there would be a lot more beach volleyball and, from the title, I thought there would be a lot more thrills. Turns out I was wrong on both counts.

It’s pretty obvious that this was a pilot for a tv show that was inspired by Melrose Place. A lot of characters are introduced and they’re all shallow but pretty. Just like with Melrose Place, everyone has a drama and everyone has someone that they like but who they can’t tell about their feelings. Casper Van Dein is the most recognizable person in the cast. He plays a rich boy who likes to play volleyball and who falls for a poor girl. Other characters include Jacqueline Collen as a former volleyball star who is going back to college and who is being stalked by her ex (Jack Scalia), Catherine Lazo as the med student who loses her scholarship, and Ria Pavia as an abrasive science student who falls in love with her new roommate (Mushond Lee), even though he’s gay. Ernie Reyes, Jr. plays Koji, who is a computer nerd who says stuff like, “I just got a new CD-rom game.” He’s so good with computers that the police turn to him to help track phone calls and match finger prints. Denise Richards appears for two seconds and smiles at Casper. Gianni Russo is the worst actor in the movie but everyone loves Jake because Russo also wrote the script.

This was largely plotless and pointless. Casper was nice to look at but I didn’t care about any of the characters. There is a big beach volleyball game at the end but it only lasts for a few minutes and it was impossible to tell who was winning. One important character is taken out by a kill shot but no one notices. Watching the movie made me hate both the beach and volleyball.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Red Sonja (dir by Richard Fleischer)

Posted on March 31, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1985 film, Red Sonja, invites us to take a journey to a forgotten age, a time of a mythical kingdoms, evil sorcery, epic sword fights, and annoying little child kings who spent a lot of time shouting. It’s a time of wonder, danger, heroism, and, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Reportedly, the once and future governor of California has frequently named Red Sonja as being the worst film in which he ever appeared. When you consider some of the other films that have featured Gov. Schwarzenegger, that’s indeed a bold statement. In Red Sonja, Schwarzenegger plays Lord Kalidor. Interestingly enough, Lord Kalidor is absent for the majority of the film. He shows up briefly at the beginning of the film and then he vanishes for quite a bit of Red Sonja‘s 89-minute running time. Whenever Schwarzenegger does show up, he wears the smirk of a man who knows that he’s going to get paid a lot of money for doing very little actual work.

The majority of the film focuses on Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen), a warrior who lives in one of those vanished ages, perhaps after the War of the Rings but before the sinking of Atlantis. When we first see her, she’s being spoken to by what appears to be a puff of smoke, which is apparently meant to be some sort of warrior goddess. The puff of smoke fills tells Sonja about everything that happened to her before the start of the movie, though we never do learn why Sonja needs to be told her own backstory. After rejecting the sexual advances of the evil Queen Gedren (Sandahl Begman), Sonja was forced to watch as her parents and brother were murdered and then she was raped and left for the dead by the Gedren’s soldiers. The Goddess promises to make Sonja into a superior warrior, on the condition that Sonja agree to never have sex with a man unless that man can first beat her in fair combat. Sonja agrees and is sent off to get trained by the Grand Master. It’s kinda like Kill Bill, if Bill was a puff of smoke.

Jump forward to …. well, I’m not sure how many years pass. To be honest, it’s next to impossible to really discern any sort of coherent logic to the film’s narrative progression so let’s just give up on that. What’s important is that there’s this temple and, inside the temple, there’s a glowing green talisman. Apparently, the talisman created the world but now it needs to be carefully watched over before being destroyed. Only women are allowed to handle the talisman (Yay!) but they’re not allowed to destroy it unless directed by a man. (Booooo!) The temple priestesses are waiting for Lord Kalidor to arrive so that they can get rid of the talisman. However, Queen Gedren shows up first. Not only does she steal the talisman but she kills the priestesses as well.

One of the priestesses was Varna (Janet Agren, who you might recognize from Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead). Varna just happens to be the sister of Sonja. (Sonja is now known as Red Sonja, because she had red hair. From now on, I want to be known as Red Lisa.) Now, Sonja has yet another reason to want to kill Gedren! Rejecting Kalidor’s help, Sonja heads off for revenge. Along the way, she meets an annoying child king named Tarn (Ernie Reyes, Jr.), who is upset that Gedren previously destroyed his kingdom. Despite hating him, Sonja allows Tarn and his guardian, Falkon (Paul L. Smith), to tag along with her. Despite not being an official member of the revenge party, Kalidor decides to follow after them because he wants to beat Red Sonja in fair combat, if you get what I mean.

Red Sonja is a spectacularly silly film. The dialogue is stilted. Even by the standards of the 1980s ,the special effects are poorly executed. This the type of film where the evil Queen nearly destroys the world not because she has any sort of grand scheme but instead, just because she’s evil and that’s what evil people do. Brigitte Nielsen delivers her lines with a forced solemnity while Schwarzenegger, Bergman, and the great Paul L. Smith seem to be struggling not to start laughing.

And yet, there’s a sneaky charm to be found in all of the silliness. For instance, when Sonja does finally reach the queen’s castle, she has to cross a bridge that appears to basically be the skeleton of giant rhinoceros. No none in the film seems to be surprised to come across a skeleton a giant rhinoceros and, to be honest, there’s no reason for it to be there. It’s just there and it’s so wonderfully out-of-place that it becomes rather fascinating. Add to that, while the portrayal of the evil lesbian queen is problematic in all sorts of ways, this is a film about a strong female warrior who doesn’t need a man to rescue her and that was probably even more rare in 1985 than it is today!

Watching Red Sonja, you get the feeling that nobody involved in the film took it all that seriously and that perhaps the best way to handle the movie is to just sit back and have a laugh. It’s dumb, it’s campy, it often makes no sense but, at the same time, it’s still a lot easier to follow than Game of Thrones. Like many bad films, it’s only bad if you watch it alone. Watch it with a group of your snarkiest friends and you’ll have a totally different experience.