Demetre Phillips | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Bonnie is taken hostage! It’s good thing Ponch exists because you know no one else on this show is going to able to rescue her.

Episode 4.7 “Satan’s Angels”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on December 14th, 1980)

When confronting a group of outlaw bikers who are harrassing a teenager (Heather Locklear, in her screen debut), Bonnie is kidnapped! Reno (John Quade) manages to snap her own handcuffs on her wrists and then drags her to a cabin owned by Stan (William Smith) and his wife (Candice Azzara).

Can the Highway Patrol find the cabin? The cabin is in the mountains it might not be easy to locate. It’s a good thing that Ponch and Jon just happen have those motorized hang gliders! It’s California living to the rescue! Needless to say, Ponch and Jon (but mostly Ponch) are able to swoop in for the rescue.

This episode didn’t do much for me but then again, episodes about hostage situations rarely do. Once a character is taken hostage, it pretty much causes the action to slow down to a crawl. There’s only so many times you can listen to someone being told not to even think about escaping before it gets kind of boring. This episode did feature the great villainous character actor, William Smith. It had that going for it. But, otherwise, the episode itself moved very slowly and it didn’t help that Bonnie herself was required to make a lot of very stupid mistakes so that she could be kidnapped in the first place. When a show’s storyline depends on a previous competent person suddenly being amazing incompetent, it’s an issue.

This episode’s b-plot featured Getraer’s very pregnant wife continually going the hospital, just to discover it was a false alarm. Getraer’s wife was played Gwynne Gilford who was (and is) married to Robert Pine. Their son, Chris Pine, was born a few months before this episode aired.

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe’s in trouble!

Episode 3.26 “The Kiss”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on April 13th, 1978)

Gabe tells a joke about Uncle Milton the medium. Uncle Milton talked to a spirt named Max. In life, Max was a waiter. “Come closer,” Milton said. “I can’t,” Max replied, “it’s not my table.”

Gabe’s going to need all the jokes and laughs that he can get because he’s in a lot of trouble. After asking student Laura Stevens (Sally Hightower) to see him after class, Gabe is shocked when she suddenly faints. Gabe just wanted to talk to Laura about her habit of putting on her makeup while he’s trying to teach but instead, he finds himself performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Of course, just as he’s doing this, Woodman walks into the room.

Mr. Woodman is scandalized. Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck, making one of her infrequent appearances in the third season) is scandalized to the extent that she declares she wants to transfer to an all-girl’s school. The school board and Principal Lazarus are planning to hold a meeting to discuss what to do with Gabe. Julie tells Gabe that she believes him when he says that he wasn’t actually kissing Laura but then she adds, “How pretty was this girl?” Julie then complains that homely girls never faint….

Well, you would know, wouldn’t you, Julie?

Sorry, that was mean. I fainted more than a few times in high school so this is an episode that I took slightly personally. Listen, being beautiful in high school is a lot of pressure. People have no idea.

The Sweathogs are on Gabe’s side and they even stop by the Kotter apartment to let Gabe know that Laura’s brother, Baby, is angry with him. Gabe laughs. How much of a threat can a baby be?

Then, Baby shows up.

Baby really doesn’t look that tough to me but everyone else is scared to death of him. Gabe is scared until he find out that Baby is only responding to rumors. He hasn’t even asked Laura what actually happened. Gabe sends Baby off to talk to his sister.

The Sweathogs also talk to Laura. Laura doesn’t really remember what happened. The Sweathogs note that Laura is on an all-bean sprout diet. That’s why she fainted! Laura then goes to the principal’s office, where Kotter is currently being grilled by an investigator from the school board. While waiting in the lobby of the office, she faints once again! This time, it’s Woodman who gives her mouth-to-mouth. In all probability, Laura has got a serious eating disorder that could very well prove fatal but, since this is Welcome Back, Kotter, the only thing that’s important is that Gabe is exonerated. Laura is told to head down to the cafeteria and eat a lot. A grateful Laura says that she will as she leaves the office.

Happy to in the clear, Gabe tells the school board guy a joke about a Chinese waiter who spoke perfect Italian because he thought he was leaning English.

This episode is a good example of the type of story that Welcome Back, Kotter would have handled with a lot of skill back in the first season. Unfortunately, by the time the third season rolled around, the show had gotten way too cartoonish to effectively deal with real-life issues, like teachers kissing students. As well, the Sweathogs — with the exception of John Travolta, who was in his early 20s — all very much look like adult, 30-something men now. Time to get out of high school!

Next week, the third season comes to a close.