David Ladd | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Tattoo gets bullied and Mr. Roarke gets psychedelic!

Episode 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo greets Mr. Roarke while disguised as Frankenstein’s Monster.

Tattoo explains to Mr. Roarke that he’s trying to look scary because there’s a bully that’s picking on him “because of my size.” OH MY GOD, POOR TATTOO! Seriously, my heart broke for him when he explained the reason behind his disguise. As usual, Mr. Roarke was far less sympathetic and ordered Tattoo to put on his usual white tux so that they could greet their guests.

This week’s fantasies ….. well, let’s just get straight to the point. Neither one is particularly memorable. In the first one, Cornelius Wiselfarber (Don Adams) is an expert on World War I whose fantasy is to experience the real thing. From the start, this storyline has two huge flaws. Number one, it makes the mistake of assuming that a character is automatically funny just because he has a silly name. Secondly, what expert on World War I would seriously want to experience it firsthand? There’s a reason why World War I was called the Great War. It was one of the most destructive and wasteful conflicts ever fought, one that will be forever identified with the horrors of trench warfare and mustard gas. Thousands died, many more were wounded both physically and psychologically. Even those who survived with their bodies and their minds intact still ran the risk of catching the Spanish Flu. This is one of those fantasies that just doesn’t make any sense.

That said, Cornelius gets his chance to experience what it was like to be a World War I flying ace. He even meets the Red Baron (Ron Ely)! The majority of the fantasy is played for laughs, with Mr. Roarke continually mispronouncing Cornelius’s last name and Cornelius himself getting recruited, by the Resistance, to pretend to be a German officer behind enemy lines. It falls flat, mostly because Don Adams himself doesn’t seem to know whether he wants to play his character straight or as a variation of his bumbling secret agent, Maxwell Smart. By the end of the fantasy, Cornelius says that he now understands how terrible World War I truly was but, seeing as how he didn’t see much combat and spent most of his fantasy trading one liners with Monique of the Resistance (Martine Beswick), you have to wonder how that could be.

As for the second fantasy, Helen Phillips (Diana Canova) is a 40-something nurse who wants to be young again. Mr. Roarke gives her a magic potion to drink. Drinking the potion leads to Helen having a psychedelic vision of Mr. Roarke explaining that that the potion wears off after 12 hours so she’ll have to keep drinking it if she’s going to remain young.

No longer having to wear glasses and without a touch of gray in her hair, Helen meets and falls for a handsome young named David Hanks (David Ladd) but she worries about what will happen when she runs out of the potion and he discovers that she’s old enough to be his mother. Fear not! It turns out that David has been drinking the potion as well! He’s actually in his 50s and his fantasy was to be reunited with the nurse who looked after him when he injured himself as a young man! To be honest, the twist felt a little bit too convenient and the old-age makeup worn by both Canova and Ladd was not particularly convincing. There was also an oddly played scene in which Helen’s ex-fiancé (played by Dave Madden) came to the Island searching for her but then promptly left when he discovered that Helen and David were in love. On the plus side, I did like the psychedelic Mr. Roarke scene.

As for Tattoo, he resorts to disguising himself as a vampire in his attempt to scare off his bully.

Later, when it is time to bid farewell to this week’s guests, Tattoo shows up wearing dark glasses because his bully gave him a black eye. Mr. Roarke finally shows some concern about the fact that someone is harassing his assistant manager. However, when Tattoo reveals that his bully is a chimpanzee wearing boxing gloves, Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs.

Seriously, Mr. Roarke really hates his second-in-command.

“Mind the doors!”

— The Man (Hugh Armstrong) in Death Line (1972)

Before I get to far into reviewing the unjustly obscure British horror film, Death Line, I want you to take a look at the film poster below.

This is the poster that was used when Death Line was released in the United States. Now, I have to admit that I like this poster but that’s largely because I’m a lover of old grindhouse and exploitation films. And this poster is a perfect example of the grindhouse aesthetic. Of course, it’s not surprising that this poster is largely misleading.

First off, the title has been changed to Raw Meat. That makes sense when you consider that the film is about a cannibal but it also creates the mistaken impression that this film is primarily about cannibalism. It’s not. Actually, Death Line is a film about class differences and government secrecy. (Though it’s probably best to leave this as a topic for another post, I think it can be argued that almost every film made in the UK is, in some way, about class and secrecy.)

The bearded man is obviously meant to be a stand-in for Death Line‘s cannibal. Known as the Man and played by Hugh Armstrong, he is the last descendant of a group of Victorian railway workers who were buried alive during the construction of the London underground. The Man is the product of generations of cross-breeding. And while the Man is definitely frightening at first, he ultimately emerges as the film’s only truly sympathetic figure. He’s hardly the intimidating figure pictured above. Instead, he’s a heart-breakingly pathetic figure who, having grown up in the shadows of the underground, is only capable of uttering three words: “Mind the doors.” There’s a lengthy scene in which the Man howls in anguish after the death of his wife. I don’t care if he was a cannibal, it still brought tears to my eyes.

The poster does offer up a glimpse of two men who appear to be searching an underground tunnel. This image, at the very least, is accurate. The two men are Inspector Calhoun (Donald Pleasence) and his partner, Detective Sergeant Rogers (Norman Rossington). When the Man makes the mistake of attacking, murdering, and eating a member of a Parliament, Calhoun and Rogers are the ones who end up investigating the case. What’s interesting is that neither Calhoun nor Rogers are presented as being sympathetic characters. In fact, Calhoun is something as a fascist. When Christopher Lee tells them to stop investigating the case, Calhoun is less upset over the government cover-up and more angered by the fact that he doesn’t like being told what to do.

There are two other people investigating the case, though neither one of them are present on the poster. Alex Campbell (David Ladd) is an American college student and, though Alex starts out as sympathetic to the Man, that changes when the Man kidnaps his girlfriend (Sharon Gurney) and tries to make her into his new wife. Alex serves as a stand-in for the self-righteous activists who, in most films, would be responsible for saving the day. It’s telling of just how cynical a film Death Line is that Alex ultimately turns out to be even more ineffectual than Calhoun and Rogers.

Finally, the poster offers up a group of half-naked people. I have no idea who these people are supposed to represent but I’m sure they helped to sell tickets!

As for Death Line, it’s an unjustly obscure film. Whether you track it down under the original title or the Americanized title of Raw Meat, be sure to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r97IHkxbU8A