Back to School Part II #38: Here On Earth (dir by Mark Piznarski)

Posted on September 14, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here on Earth is a wannabe melodrama from 2000. When I first started watching it on Netflix, I was convinced that I had never seen it before. Sure, the name sounded familiar but I figured that was just because Here On Earth is such a generic name that it could have been used for any number of different films. In fact, even as I sit here typing this, there’s a part of me that keeps wanting to call the film either Back On Earth or Heaven On Earth.

But then as I watched the film, I realized to my horror that I had seen Here On Earth before. I watched it on cable back when I was in high school and, as much as I may not want to admit it, I think I actually cried at the end of it.

I didn’t cry this time, though. In fact, I laughed. Here on Earth is such a stereotypically melodramatic romance that it actually feels like a parody. It didn’t help that the film starred Chris Klein, who goes through almost the entire film with this sort of steely look in his eyes. No matter what emotion he’s supposed to be showing, Chris Klein’s impassive face remains frozen. In fact, it’s tempting to wonder if his character was supposed to be a robot sent from the future. Maybe Here On Earth was originally meant to be a Terminator film.

Here On Earth takes place in one of those little towns in Massachusetts where all of the poor townies resent the rich kids who go to a nearby boarding school. (Judging from the movies I’ve seen, it appears that every small town in Massachusetts is also home to an exclusive boarding school. A part of me suspects that this might not actually be the case. Fortunately, several TSL writers are from Massachusetts so, the next time I get a chance, I’ll just ask Gary, Leon, or Pantsu if any of them grew up near a boarding school.)

Chris Klein plays Kelly Morse. He’s a student at that boarding school. He’s rich. He’s snobby. But he’s also really, really smart. In fact, he was originally meant to be the school’s valedictorian until he got in some legal trouble. See, Kelly was having a street race with a townie named Jasper Arnold (Josh Hartnett). The street race led to the local gas station blowing up. I have to admit that I started laughing as soon as that gas station went up in flames because … well, let’s just say that I imagine it’s a lot more difficult to blow up a gas station than this film makes it look. Judging from this film, the gas station down the street from the office should be blowing up right now.

Anyway, that exploding gas station also causes a local restaurant to burn down. Both Jasper and Kelly are sentenced to help rebuild Mable’s Table. (That’s right, the name of the restaurant was Mable’s Table. It’s a good thing that Mable rhymes with table. If the place had been started by someone named Gretchen, I guess they’d call it Gretchen’s Kitchen.) The judge literally says, “They’ll be building a restaurant but building character too!”

Okay, your honor, thanks for spelling that shit out for us! Yay abuse of the justice system!

Anyway, Jasper has a girlfriend. Her name is Sam Cavanaugh (Leelee Sobieski) and her father (Bruce Greenwood) is the town sheriff. And guess what? HER FAMILY ALSO OWNED MABLE’S TABLE! This may seem like a lot of coincidences but these things happen when there’s only a dozen or so people living in a town.

Sam’s mother always tells her, “As long as we’re all alive, it’s nothing worse than a bad day.” Because they’re poor but honest and that’s how poor but honest people talk, don’t you know? Her father also tells her, every morning: “Good to be your father.” “Good to be your daughter,” Sam replies.

BECAUSE THEY’RE POOR!

But honest…

In fact, they’re so poor but honest that they help Kelly come out of his snobby shell. Soon, he’s opening up to Sam. He’s telling her his secrets. He’s revealing his inner self and probably asking her, “What is this thing you humans call pleasure?” (Because he’s a robot from the future!) Suddenly, they’re in a love…

But guess what? Sam only has a few months to live…

Or I should say that she only has a few months to live here on Earth. She’s at peace with the idea because she’s a saint and she has a pretty a good idea that heaven is going to kick serious ass! Can she make Kelly into a better man before she dies?

Watch and find out! Or don’t. This is one of those extremely silly and misjudged melodramas that doesn’t really work. The adult roles are played by dependable character actors like Bruce Greenwood, Michael Rooker, and Annette O’Toole but Chris Klein and Josh Hartnett go through the entire film looking like they’d rather be anywhere but here on Earth. Leelee Sobieski gives the film’s best performance, bringing as much credibility as she can to an idealized role. (She’s beautiful, she’s sassy, she’s saintly, and she’s dying!) It’s a shame that she has since retired from acting but maybe she didn’t want to spend her entire career making movies like Here on Earth.

Anyway, Here on Earth made me laugh for all the wrong reasons. Maybe it will do the same for you!

Shattered Politics #78: American Dreamz (dir by Paul Weitz)

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nothing ages worse than heavy-handed satire and, if you need proof of that, just try watching the 2006 film American Dreamz. American Dreamz is a satire of two things that are no longer exactly relevant, the presidential administration of George W. Bush and Simon Cowell-era American Idol.

Dennis Quaid plays President ~~George W. Bush~~ Joseph Stanton. Stanton has just been reelected to a second term. One morning, he impulsively decides to read a newspaper for the first time in his life and he ends up having a nervous breakdown. “The world isn’t black-and-white,” he declares, “Instead, it’s gray.” Sinking into a deep depression, Stanton isolates himself from the American people and his approval rating starts to plunge. His evil Chief of Staff (William DaFoe, made up to look like Joe Biden but, I’m assuming, meant to be Dick Cheney) comes up with a plan to restore Stanton’s popularity. President Stanton will serve as a guest judge on his favorite television show, ~~American Idol~~ American Dreamz!

(To be honest, I think Obama would be more likely to show up as a guest judge than Bush.)

The host of American Dreamz is a self-loathing Englishman named Martin Tweed (Hugh Grant). Tweed hates both the show and himself. Early on in the film, he’s literally seeing begging for American Dreamz to be canceled. However, American Dreamz is the number one show in the country and the show must go on.

Along with President Stanton, the latest season of American Dreamz features a group of contestants who all have dramatically compelling backstories. Sally Kendoo (Mandy Moore) emerges as a favorite, largely do to her ability to manipulate the camera and the fact that her well-meaning but simple-minded boyfriend (Chris Klein) was wounded in Iraq.

Oh wow — reality shows manipulate reality and contestants are rarely as innocent as they seem!?

Tell me more, American Dreamz!

Also competing on American Dreamz is Omer (Sam Golzari), a former jihadist who proved to be too clumsy to take part in the various propaganda videos being shot by his terrorist cell. Omer was sent to America, where his love for show tunes eventually landed him on American Dreamz. With the finale rapidly approaching, Omer has been instructed to blow both himself and the President up on national TV.

The satire of American Dreamz really wasn’t all that sharp when the film was first released and now, 9 years later, it feels even weaker. Quaid and Grant both give good performances but the film’s attempts at humor largely fall flat because they’re all so predictable. It’s not exactly mind-blowing to say that reality TV is fake or that politics has a lot in common with show business. The film attempts to add some bite to its message by ending with a surprisingly dark twist but it’s just not enough. Even a dark ending has to be earned.

Shattered Politics #65: Election (dir by Alexander Payne)

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last year, when I did my series of Back to School reviews, it somehow slipped my mind to review Alexander Payne’s 1999 comedy, Election. Don’t ask me how I managed to do that. Election, after all, is one of the greatest high school films ever made. Not only does it feature Reese Witherspoon’s best performance (or, at least, it was her best performance up until the release of Wild) but it also features Ferris Bueller himself, Matthew Broderick, as the type of teacher who regularly inspired Ferris to skip school. Trust me — when I realized that I had managed to review Cavegirl while somehow ignoring Election, I was mortified.

But then, a few months later, I decided to do Shattered Politics and review 94 films about politics and politicians. And it occurred to me that Election may have been a high school film but it was also a political satire. Add to that, it’s totally plausible that Reese Witherspoon’s Tracy Flick will someday end up running for President.

That certainly seems to be the concern of Jim McAllister (Matthew Broderick) in Election. When he learns that Tracy is planning on running for student body president, Jim is concerned. Tracy is an overachiever. Tracy is the type of student who always raises her hand in class and who always has the right answer. Tracy is the type of student that tends to drive other students crazy. As Jim puts it, if Tracy is elected Student Body President, who knows where it will end?

Of course. Jim has other reasons for disliking Tracy. Earlier in the year, for instance, Tracy was seduced by Jim’s fellow teacher and best friend, Dave Novotny (Mark Harelik). When Tracy’s mother (played by Colleen Camp) discovered the affair, Dave was forced to retire and was subsequently divorced. When Tracy mentions that if she’s elected President, that means she and Jim will be working closely together, Jim panics. Jim thinks that Tracy will try to seduce him and he knows that he would be too weak to resist. Instead, Jim would rather have an affair Dave’s ex-wife (Delaney Driscoll) while trying unsuccessfully to get his own wife (Molly Hagan) pregnant.

So, of course, Jim decides to recruit Paul Metzler (Chris Klein) to run against her. Paul is a simple-minded but sweet-natured jock who, as the result of breaking his leg while skiing, has become something of a school martyr. As soon as Paul announces that he’s running, his cynical little sister Tammy (Jessica Campbell) also announces that she’s running, despite the fact that she hates school and thinks that idea of student government is a joke. Tammy’s main motivation is that her ex-girlfriend, Lisa (Frankie Ingrassia) has announced that she was just “experimenting” and is now dating Paul and managing his campaign.

Got all that?

As the campaign plays out, Jim is panicked to discover that, while Paul may be popular, he’s also amazingly inarticulate and really doesn’t seem to care whether he wins or not. Meanwhile, Tammy announces that her first action as president will be to destroy the student government. However, Jim then has reason to believe that Tracy destroyed some campaign signs (mostly because Tracy did) and he comes up with a plan to get her disqualified from the ballot.

Except, of course, it’s not that easy to get rid of Tracy Flick…

One of the things that always amuses me about TV shows set in high school is that they almost always feature an absurdly powerful student council. Remember that episode of Boy Meets World where Topanga is elected president because she gives a speech about how somebody has to do something about the mold in the cafeteria? That’s the fantasy view of the student council. The reality is that, when I was in high school, the student council was something that, whenever we remembered that it actually existed, we all laughed about.

(One of the great things about Degrassi is that it’s one of the few teen shows to acknowledge that the student council has no power. Considering that the current President of the Degrassi Student Council is Drew Torres, that’s probably for the best.)

But here’s the thing — we all knew someone like Tracy Flick. We all knew someone who took things like the student council very seriously and who would always get very angry whenever the rest of us showed less reverence for school institutions. And, in retrospect, you almost have to feel sorry for her because what she never understood was that devotion to the rules and hard work really don’t mean much in either high school or college. The genius of Reese Witherspoon’s performance is that she brings to life a character that we all know and then, at the same time, makes her a unique human being. In the role of Tracy, Witherspoon allows us to understand what motivated the girls who always used to get on our nerves.

And then, of course, there’s Matthew Broderick. Broderick starts out as a glibly self-confident character just to end the film as something of a twisted gargoyle, unshaven because he’s been sleeping in his car and, as the result of a bee sting, a frightfully swollen eye. By the end of the film, Jim has essentially been destroyed by his fear and obsessive hatred of one student. Broderick is not exactly playing a sympathetic character here but it’s still a compelling performance because it confirms everything that I always suspected about all of my teachers — i.e., that they specifically and targeted certain students and that most of them were motivated by jealousy.

Thank you, Election, for letting me know that I was right!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #108: Damaged (dir by Rick Bota)

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the first Lifetime movie of 2015 — Damaged!

Chris Klein in Damaged

Why Was I Watching It?

You guys know me and how much I love Lifetime movies! Damaged was the first Lifetime movie of 2015 so it’s less a question of why was I watching it and more a question of how could I not watch it.

What Was It About?

Damaged is yet another Canadian thriller that has found a home on Lifetime. Sam Luck (Chris Klien) is the big, affable, and quite frankly dumb teacher who has a nice house in the suburbs with a dog and a wife (Tasya Teles). He also is co-owner of a diner because … well, why not? (I got the feeling that the filmmakers just happened to have a diner set available.)

Anyway, Sam’s luck changes when the new teenage neighbor moves in. Her name is Taran (Merritt Patterson) and, along with frequently flirting with Sam (who also happens to be one of her teachers), she also constantly has flashbacks where she’s either watching her mother have sex with an unseen boyfriend or standing in a cemetery while it rains.

As Sam grows closer to Taran, strange things start to happen. His car is stolen but fortunately, Taran offers to allow him to drive her never-seen father’s car. His dog disappears. He’s informed that a student has accused him of sexual harassment. His partner in the diner accuses him of embezzling money. With all this happening, who else can Sam turn to for comfort other than ~~his wife~~ the teenage neighbor girl next door?

What Worked?

Damaged was an example of my favorite type of Lifetime movie: A complacent couple in the suburbs has their life destroyed by a malevolent outside force. There’s something always fun about watching these smug suburbanites discovering just how easily their domestic bliss can be destroyed.

Merritt Patterson did a pretty good job in the role of Taran. At the very least, she seemed to be having more fun than anyone else in the cast.

Finally, Damaged deserves some credit for not shying away from giving us a properly dark ending. If this was an old grindhouse film, Damaged would be advertised as being a movie that “goes all the way.”

What Did Not Work?

So, here’s the thing. If you, as a filmmaker, want us to sympathize with your lead character or, at the very least, hope that he doesn’t end up getting totally destroyed, it might help to not make the character a total moron. As I watched the film, it was hard for me not to think about all the things that Sam could have done that would have prevented him from getting into this situation.

Here’s just a few examples:

1) When you’re a teacher and one of your students offers to give you her daddy’s car, don’t accept the car. Why? Because you’re a teacher and she’s a student in your class! Yes, I understand that it was a really nice car but again: Student. Teacher.

2) When you’re a teacher and you’re feeling depressed because someone has suggested that you’ve been sexually harassing your teenage students, don’t pour your heart out to the teenage girl who lives next door.

3) When you’re a teacher and one of your students offers you an expensive watch, don’t accept it!

4) When you’re a teacher and one of your students says she wants to go out and have fun with you, don’t go!

Seriously, it seems like most of Sam’s problems could have been avoided if he had bothered to read the Rules For Teacher/Student Interaction booklet that I’m sure he was given when he was first hired. As such, it was hard to have much sympathy for Sam. (Or his wife for that matter because, as badly as things turned out for her, she is the one who married the idiot in the first place.)

However, just to make clear: part of the fun of a movie like this is shaking your head at the stupid things some of the characters do. And overall, Sam’s stupidity just made the film more fun. So, I guess it’s debatable whether this is something that did not work. (Though it certainly didn’t work that well for Sam, personally…)

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

At first, when I thought Taran just had an obsessive crush on Sam, I related to her because it reminded me of when I was in high school and I had a crush on Mark, who was engaged to our speech and debate coach. One weekend, Mark accompanied us all on a road trip to a speech tournament in San Antonio. One night, at the motel, I slipped on this pink Victoria’s Secret nightie that I had specifically bought for the trip and then I sneaked out of my room and pulled down on the fire alarm so that I could specifically meet Mark when he came running out of his room in his boxers and I could pretend to be all panicky (and in need of comforting) about the fire. Ah, memories.

But anyway, as the movie progressed, I realized that I actually had less in common with Taran. For instance, I’ve never tried to kill anyone.

Lessons Learned

The main lesson I learned was one that I already know. If the police ever catch you doing something wrong, be sure to cry. I already knew that crying was a good way to get out of speeding tickets but, according to the final scene of Damaged, it can get you out of a lot worse as well.

As for any teachers who may have been watching, I think the main lesson would be to read your code of conduct.