Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.9 “Hello, Ms. Chips” and 2.10 “Horshack vs. Carvelli”

Posted on September 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Kotter gets a student teacher!

Episode 2.9 “Hello, Ms. Chips”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 2nd, 1976)

Instead of telling a joke about a relative, Gabe starts the show by coming home from shopping with Julie. When Julie says that everyone at the store was crazy, Gabe comments that the women were all pushing and shoving and “bumping into me.”

“I’m going back tomorrow!” Gabe declares while Julie gives him a pity laugh.

At Buchanan High School, Woodman introduces Gabe to his new student teacher, Ms. Wright (Valerie Curtin).

“Ms. Wright,” Gabe says, “My mother always said I’d meet you someday.”

“Keep your sick fantasies out of this, Kotter,” Woodman replies. “Watch her carefully, you remember what happened to the last student teacher …. she still sends me ceramic wallets from the home.”

After Woodman leaves, Gabe gets to know Ms. Wright and discovers that she’s read about the Sweathogs in her textbooks. Gabe acknowledges that the classroom is famous and adds, “Some of our best teachers have passed through the windows.”

The Sweathogs make their arrival. Ms. Wright observes the way that Gabe handles getting them to read their essays on what they would do if they were president and then she steps in and tries to teach while looking through her thick lesson plan. Needless to say, the Sweathogs do not react well to that and Epstein throws a fit when Ms. Wright reads his essay (which is actually a poem) about how he would make the world a better, flower-filled place as President. Ms. Wright runs, sobbing, from the room.

Gabe tracks Ms. Wright down to the front office, where Ms. Wright is asking Mr. Woodman what it was like when he was a teacher. Woodman proceeds to sing Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen.

“Didn’t they have spankings in those days?” Ms. Wright asks.

“Yes,” Woodman replies, “but my students only spanked me once.”

The next day, Ms. Wright tries again. This time, she tires to imitate Gabe’s approach and awkwardly tells Epstein, “In your mouth with a sandwich,” when he tries to apologize her. Ms. Wright tells a series of Kotter-style jokes but her cheery delivery is all wrong. Ms. Wright suddenly announces that Gabe’s technique isn’t right for her and that she’s just going to quit.

“You can’t quit,” Freddie says, “You’re not a lousy teacher, we’re just lousy students!”

Ms. Wright learns a valuable lesson about not teaching from the book and not trying to teach like someone else but just teaching as herself. Ms. Wright says that she wants to tell the class about President Buchanan.

“That name sounds familiar,” Vinnie says.

This was not a bad episode. I appreciated that Ms. Wright had to find her own style as opposed to just blindly following Gabe’s style. Speaking of Gabe’s style, he ends the episode telling Julie about his Uncle Wilford Kotter, who was in love with an elephant.

Episode 2.10 “Horshack vs. Carvelli”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 9th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe calls his Uncle Herman and tells him that Julie’s going to be home in five minutes and he doesn’t have a joke to tell her. Gabe asks if anything funny has happened in Herman’s life recently. Herman tells Gabe about a guy who crossed an elephant and a beaver. Herman says that he once knew a guy who was so mean that he used to train homing pigeons and then move. Judging from the expression on Gabe’s face, Herman then proceeds to tell him something really wild.

(Julie, by the way, apparently never comes home and, therefore, does not appear in this episode.)

At school, the Silver Gloves Boxing Tournament is approaching and the Sweathogs are debating who will take on New Utrecht High’s most fearsome fighter, Carvelli (Charles Fleischer). Woodman is especially concerned because he says that, in 20 years, Buchanan has never won the tournament. When Gabe says that Bonzo Maretti won one year, Woodman replies, “Eating your opponent doesn’t count!” Woodman wants a Sweathog to bring home a trophy. Unfortunately, it appears that all of Woodman’s hopes rest on Arnold Horshack who is demanding to be the one to fight Carvelli. As Horshack puts it, he’s tired of always being the one who is pushed to the side.

It’s time for a training montage, as Gabe and Woodman teach Horshack how to throw a punch.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t go well as Horshack ends up getting knocked down by Mr. Woodman. “Maybe I should fight Carvelli!” Woodman says.

At the boxing match …. actually, I was expecting this to be one of those episodes where Horshack somehow ended up winning despite the odds but actually, he gets knocked out during the first round. But all the Sweathogs are proud of him for having the guts to enter the ring so it’s a bit of a personal victory for him. Plus, Gabe tells him a joke about his Uncle Maxie Kotter.

Yay! Horshack finally won some self-respect! Horshack was often the most cartoonish thing about this show and it’s rare that there was ever anything subtle about Ron Palillo’s performance but he deserves some credit for his work on this episode. He revealed that, beneath the weird façade, Horshack was just as vulnerable and insecure as all the rest of the Sweathogs. He didn’t win the fight but he won the audience’s heart and good for him!

Next week: Epstein is caught smoking!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.7 “Sweathog, Nebraska Style” and 2.8 “Sadie Hawkins Day”

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Julie’s sister shows up and Juan Epstein falls in love.

Episode 2.7 “Sweathog, Nebraska Style”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 11th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Oscar, who was harassed one day by three bikers and who responded by “driving over three motorcycles in the parking lot.”

Unfortunately, Julie is not really interested in jokes this week. Her teenage sister, Jenny (Susan Pratt), suddenly shows up in Brooklyn and explains that she has left Nebraska because she had a fight with her longtime boyfriend, Roger Abernathy. Julie insists that Jenny attend classes at Buchanan High but is horrified when Jenny promptly starts to date Juan Epstein! Julie even goes up to the school to complain to the principal, Mr. Lazarus, about her sister dating a Sweathog. (Never mind, of course, that Julie herself married a former Sweathog.) This episode also establishes that the never-seen Mr. Lazarus is apparently best friends with Juan Epstein.

Jenny finally agrees to return to Nebraska but just because Epstein is planning on going back with her. Not even Barbarino and Freddie dressing up as farmers and Horshack putting on a cow outfit can convince Epstein to stay in New York. But then Roger Abernathy calls from Nebraska, apologizes for arguing with Jenny, and Jenny dumps Epstein and heads back home alone.

After Jenny leaves, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle SitDownThere Kotter, who got that name because of the time he stood up in a movie theater and everyone yelled, “Hey, sit down there!”

“That is the worst joke I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” Julie replies. Gabe looks sincerely hurt.

Actually, Julie doesn’t come across particularly well in this episode, flat out announcing that Juan Epstein is not good enough for her sister and basically acting like the biggest snob in Brooklyn. It’s hard not to feel bad for Epstein, who seems to have genuine feelings for Jenny but who gets rather abruptly dumped at the last minute. For all the talk about how moving to Nebraska would be a strange thing for Epstein to do, it probably would have also been a good thing for him. He would be free of his reputation for “being most likely to take a life” and he could start his own life all over again. In the end, though, Jenny abandons him and returns to Roger. According to the IMDb, this is Jenny’s only appearance on Welcome Back Kotter, so I’m going to assume that things went well for her back in Omaha.

Let’s move on.

Episode 2.8 “Sadie Hawkins Day”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 18th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his cousin Shermie, who didn’t start talking until he was 9 years old. Shermie’s first words were “cereal bowl.”

It’s time for the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance at Buchanan High! Barbarino is scandalized by the idea of girls asking out boys. “You know when girls should be able to ask us out?” Barbarino tells Horshack, “When they can get us in …. trouble.” Barbarino does, however, give Horshack some advice on how to get a date. His hair should always look like it’s been dried by the wind. Horshack should always use the “Barbarino stance,” which is defined as looking like you don’t care one way or the other. Barbarino sings his Ba-Ba-Barbarino song while showing Horshack how to relax. The audience loves it.

Barbarino is not the only person who has an issue with Sadie Hawkins Day. Mr. Woodman hides out in Gabe’s class and pretends to be a student in order to prevent Ms. Fishbeck from asking him out. Gabe tells Woodman that no one is going to mistake him for a Sweathog.

“Hi there,” Woodman replies, doing his best Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington impersonation.

Eventually, Ms. Fishbeck does manage to track down Mr. Woodman, hiding in the teacher’s lounge and jumping out of a cupboard. Barbarino, however, is less lucky than either Woodman or Fishbeck. With the day of the dance rapidly approaching, Barbarino doesn’t have a date! Barbarino is so self-absorbed that he doesn’t even realize when someone is trying to work up the courage to ask him out. Later, when one girl does find the courage to ask Barbarino to the dance, Barbarino turns her down because he doesn’t want anyone to learn that he didn’t get a date until the day before the dance. Gabe points out that Barbarino’s actions don’t make any sense. “It’s not easy being a living legend,” Barbarino explains.

Despite not having a date, Barbarino does show up at Buchanan High on the night of the dance. However, instead of joining everyone in the courtyard, he decides to sit in Gabe’s classroom. Gabe finds him in the room and starts to tell Barbarino a story about his time as a student at Buchanan High. “No more stories!” Barbarino begs before heading down to the courtyard. Barbarino confesses to the other Sweathogs that he doesn’t have a date. However, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), making her first appearance since the end of the first season, reveals that she doesn’t have a date either. Quickly adopting the Barbarino Stance, Barbarino becomes Judy’s date. Everyone dances and, even though we’re supposed to laugh at Barbarino ending up with the loud and obnoxious Judy, they actually make a really cute couple.

As the dance wraps up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Atlas, who used to play handball with a guy named Morty.

This episode worked largely due to the performance of John Travolta, who does a good job of portraying both Barbarino’s well-meaning stupidity and his (often hidden) sensitivity. On the one hand, Barbarino had no one to blame but himself. On the other hand, the scene where gazed out the classroom window at all of his friends having fun was actually a little heart-breaking. Personally, I hope things work out for Barbarino and Judy. They’re a great couple!

Next week: Horshack wants to become a boxer!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.3 “Sweatside Story” and 2.4 “The Fight”

Posted on September 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Sweathogs get violent!

Episode 2.3 “Sweatside Story”

(Dir by Bill Persky, originally aired on October 7th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a highway patrolman and who once chased a guy who was running 80 miles per hour. I didn’t really get the joke.

At school, class is interrupted by a fire drill. While Horshack panics, Epstein tells Barbarino that he’s tired of drills and is thinking of setting the school on fire so that “they can see how it’s done under real pressure.” While everyone waits in the hallway, Woodman shows up, accuses the Sweathogs of pulling the alarm, and then starts doing unconstitutional locker searches.

“What is this?” Gabe asks, “Be Cruel To Sweathogs Day?”

“Every day is Be Cruel To Sweathogs Day,” Woodman replies.

Woodman discovers that Barbarino has a jacket with “Sweathogs” written on the back of it. OH MY GOD, THE SWEATHOGS ARE STARTING A GANG! And they actually are. (“I haven’t been invited to join,” Horshack says, which should be taken as proof positive that this gang is serious business.) Gabe warns them that wearing jackets and starting gangs is a good way to get hurt. On cue, Freddie shows up and says that another gang jumped him for invading their territory.

Later, back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he fears the Sweathogs are going to get into a “rumble.” Suddenly, Horshack shows up at the apartment, looking like a refugee from a John Waters movie. Gabe tells Horshack about how violent rumbles can get and asks Horshack if he’s prepared to be hit around like a hockey puck.

“I want to be a punk, not a puck!” Horshack announces. Uhmm….

Hanging around outside the school, Barbarino, Freddie, and Washington try remember how they were all initiated into their gang and it turns out that none of them were actually initiated. Barbarino states that, when he started the gang, he spent a week watching Gilligan’s Island to toughen himself up. Freddie explains that he became a member of the gang through Barbarino’s minority recruitment plan. Epstein, of course, has a note from Epstein’s Mom. Suddenly, Horshack shows up, prepared to be initiated into the gang.

Barbarino has no idea how to initiate Horshack but says that he’ll figure out how to do it “once I get my thoughts deranged.”

Suddenly, Gabe and Woodman show up, also wearing black leather jackets and looking to be initiated into the gang. Gabe explains that he brought Woodman because Woodman has the key to the nurse’s office, which they’ll need after the rumble.

The rival gang then shows up, demanding to know why the Sweathogs are looking for them. However, when they discover that both a teacher and the school’s vice principal are members of the Sweathog Gang, the rival gang leader announces that this school is too tough for them and they agree to negotiate a peace settlement between the two gangs.

Later, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Harry Kotter, who bought a suit that was too big for him.

This episode felt a bit off. Even by the standards of this show, the humor felt a bit overly broad and the Sweathogs’s naivety about what it meant to be in a gang never seemed credible. I mean, they essentially were a gang during the first season! If anything, the Sweathogs felt a bit neutered and too family-friendly in this episode. They were missing the edge that often elevated the episodes during the first season. That said, John Sylvester White had some good moments. It’s hard not to enjoy Mr. Woodman’s total disgust with the world and everyone in it.

Episode 2.4 “The Fight”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about how his father always wanted him to date a girl just like his mother, which is something that I’m sure Julie appreciated hearing.

At school, Freddie is upset to learn that 1) Epstein gave Barbarino Freddie’s English homework to do and 2) Barbarino forgot to do it.

“Because of you, I’m going to get an F in English!” Freddie snaps at Barbarino.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Barbarino replies, “so am I.”

An argument breaks out between Freddie, Barbarino, and Epstein but Gabe breaks it up by ordering them into the classroom. For their Social Studies homework, all of the Sweathogs have been asked to either write about or bring in their most prized possession. Barbarino shows off his little black book. Freddie shows off his pet flea, Howard. (Unfortunately, Howard is killed when Freddie asks Horshack to give him five.) Epstein has a toy boat. Horshack starts to talk about how his ancestor, Popeye Horshack, discovered Coney Island and accidentally sits on the boat, destroying it. While Horshack tries to apologize, he accidentally mentions that he’s been doing Barbarino’s homework for Gabe’s class.

Frustrated, Gabe orders everyone to remain quiet while he steps outside and takes two aspirin.

However, as soon as Gabe leaves, Barbarino taunts Horshack and Epstein for being short and then complains that the entire class is short. Freddie stands up and says, “Hi there. I’m tall.” Epstein climbs a on top of Gabe’s desk and says that, “I’ve had it with Hi There!” Freddie replies that he’s sick of Horshack’s laugh. Horshack says that he’s tired of Epstein’s phony notes. Epstein then makes fun of Barbarino for being stupid.

“In your pants with a bag of ants!” Barbarino declares.

“In your pockets with red hot rockets,” Freddie counters.

Gabe re-enters the classroom and tells everyone to stop yelling. Gabe need not worry because the Sweathogs announce that they are never going to speak to each other again.

Later, at the apartment, Gabe struggles to eat Julie’s famous tuna casserole. “You think I like spending my entire life listening to your stupid jokes!?” Julie demands. Gabe replies that he has to tell jokes to cheer himself up after eating Julie’s food.

Suddenly, Barbarino shows up, panicking about how he’s going to get the Sweathogs to follow his orders if they won’t talk to him. Gabe says that he has to be a big enough person to say that he’s sorry and then Gabe apologizes to Julie. Gabe and Julie then attempt to have an honest conversation about their argument while Barbarino continually asks them what they have to eat at the apartment. Gabe suggests that Julie just not make tuna casserole anymore. Julie throws food at Gabe. Gabe throws food at Julie. Barbarino asks if they have any espresso and gets even more food tossed at him.

The next day, at school, Gabe asks Woodman to come into his class, apologize for something, and allow Gabe to forgive him so that the Sweathogs can learn an important lesson.

“I don’t do requests, Kotter,” Woodman replies, “Do I look like Wolfman Jack? …. I don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Gabe then suggests that Woodman could enter the class and Gabe could be the one who apologizes. That sounds good to Woodman. However, once they enter the classroom, Gabe apologizes for a prank he pulled ten years earlier and Woodman refuses to accept the apology. As Woodman leaves, Horshack asks Gabe to keep it down because “There are people trying to be angry in here.”

Barbarino, realizing that he’s responsible for fixing this problem, orders Horshack to apologize to Epstein. After Gabe tells them that their friendship should be their most prized possession, Epstein forgives Horshack. Barbarino apologizes for not doing Freddie’s homework and soon, everyone is hugging. Awwwww!

Later, at the apartment, Gabe is all alone because Julie is at her friend Candy’s place. Gabe calls Candy and asks to speak Julie. When Julie comes to the phone, Gabe says, “Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Edna?” Julie hangs up on him.

This episode was a definite improvement on the previous one, with the emphasis being on the chemistry between the Sweathogs and their own hostile but ultimately affectionate interactions. If the Sweathogs seemed neutered when they tried to start a gang, they regained their edge just one episode later. So far, the best episodes of Welcome Back Kotter have been the ones where each member of the group gets a chance to shine and that’s certainly the case with this episode.

By the way, speaking as someone who can be a bit sensitive about her own cooking skills, I think Gabe is totally right about the tuna casserole. Seriously, there’s comes a time when you just have to admit that you’re never going to master the casserole.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.22 “Father Vinnie”

Posted on August 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the first season comes to an end with a surprisingly touching episode.

Episode 1.22 “Father Vinnie”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 26th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about his Uncle Jerry and Aunt June and how, on their 40th wedding anniversary, they took a second honeymoon. Aunt June was feeling romantic and asked Jerry to bite her neck, just like he did when they were newlyweds.

“Wait a minute,” Jerry replied, “I’ll get my teeth.”

(Gabe comes from a very old family, I’ve noticed.)

At school, Gabe teaches his class about the Russian revolution. Horshack asks where Kotter “learned all that stuff.” Gabe replies that he saw Dr. Zhivago four times. Horshack breaks out into wheezy laughter. All the Sweathogs are amused but …. WHERE’S BARBARINO!?

Barbarino shows up, just as the bell for lunch is ringing. Depressed, he barely acknowledges Gabe’s question as to where he’s been. Instead, he sits down at the classroom window and stares at the rain falling outside. Epstein tries to cheer him up by reading some his latest “excuse notes.” They’re all in verse!

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve been home two days with the Spanish flu.”

Freddie reads note that Epstein wrote for him. “Please excuse me for missing your lecture on mold but I was home sick with a bad head cold.”

Barbarino is not amused. He explains that he’s just gotten back from the hospital, where his 87 year-old grandmother is dying. “She’s got a bad case of being old,” Barbarino explains.

The Sweathogs discuss death. Epstein doesn’t worry about it because he has a note for wherever he goes. Horshack mentions that he’s against death. Freddie, always the pragmatist, says that death is something that you have to accept.

Barbarino explains that his grandmother’s dream was always for him to become a priest and now that she’s dying, he has to do it! The other Sweathogs scoff at the idea and Gabe tells him that not everyone is cut out to be a priest. Despite not wanting to become a priest himself, Barbarino is stunned by their lack of faith and decides that he is going to become a priest just to show them.

A few days later, in the teacher’s lounge, Mr. Woodman tells Gabe that Barbarino just blessed Epstein’s gym locker and that he’s now walking around the school and telling people that he loves them. Gabe, however, is depressed because Barbarino’s grandmother has died and now he’s thinking about all the family members that he’s lost and used for material for his stand-up routine. Woodman mentions that Epstein’s mother died four times over the course of the previous school year.

Gabe asks Woodman if he ever thinks about death. Woodman replies, “Mot people want to go quickly but not me. I want to linger. I want to be a burden to people for as long as possible.”

(As always, John Sylvester White brilliantly portrays Woodman’s mix of bitterness and what appears to be genuine mental instability. As played by White, Woodman could announce that he had just spent the morning attacking muggers on the subway and it would be a laugh-out-loud funny line.)

Carrying a bible, a much changed Barbarino enters the teacher’s lounge.

Barbarino says that he forgives Gabe for the previous day’s pop quiz. Gabe tells Barbarino that he doesn’t need to forgive him, he just needs to study. When Barbarino replies that he no longer needs to study because the Lord is his shepherd, Gabe tells him that he’s taking the religion thing too far.

The next day, in the school hallway, Barbarino interrupts a Sweathog dice game and tells Horshack that he loves him.

“I’ve always been fond of you,” Horshack says.

Barbarino suggests that the Sweathogs should give their money to the poor.

“We are the poor!” Freddie replies.

A blonde named Bambi asks if Barbarino is going to meet her at their usual place “behind the billboard.” Horshack replies that Barbarino is now a priest. After an offended Bambi walks away, Barbarino has a meltdown in the school hallway, saying, “I can’t take it!” Gabe steps out of his classroom and says that maybe he’s not cut out to be celibate. The other Sweathogs start taunting Barbarino about all of his now ex-girlfriends. Barbarino realizes that it will be okay for him not to become a priest but he worries about how he’s going to tell his mother.

Epstein writes an excuse note for Barbarino to give to his mother, though he asks Gabe to sign because Epstein has yet to figure out how to forge his signature. The note reads, “Dear Mrs. Barbarino, they were shocked when you had a son, because that meant you could not be a nun. I hope you won’t mind this as a reason but your son Vinnie will not be a priest. Signed, Epstein’s teacher.”

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Morris, who was so thrifty that he never gave any money to charity.

And with that, season one ends! Wisely, Welcome Back, Kotter ended by focusing on Barbarino. All of the actors playing the Sweathogs were talented and all of them did a good job in the episodes that focused on them but, from the start, John Travolta was clearly the star and Travolta does a pretty good job of capturing both Barbarino’s sweet-natured stupidity and his earnest sincerity in this episode. It was hard not to be emotionally moved by his desire to make his grandmother’s dying wish come true, even though it wasn’t what he wanted to do with his life. This was a rare sitcom episode that dealt with religion in an even-handed manner while still remaining funny and non-preachy. All in all, this was not a bad way to end the first season.

(I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting much from Welcome Back, Kotter but I’ve certainly enjoyed watching and reviewing the first 22 episodes.)

Next week, season two begins!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.20 “The Telethon” and 1.21 “Kotter Makes Good”

Posted on August 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s exam time!

Episode 1.20 “The Telethon”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 12th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about the time he went to visit “my uncle, Mo Kotter, in the hospital.” Uncle Mo was in an oxygen tent. Gabe accidentally stepped on his air hose. Uh-oh!

At school, Gabe shows up for class and immediately makes the Sweathogs groan by announcing that it’s time to take a test. He passes out the test papers and Freddie announces that this is a test that he can pass. Yay! I’ve always felt that Freddie was actually one of the smarter Sweathogs and I’m glad to see that he is finally making an effort to excel academically and …. oh wait. Freddie is just pointing out that the test papers are blank because the school’s Xerox machine has broken down.

Yes, the school desperately needs money. But how can the Sweathogs raise money for their much-needed supplies? Barbarino volunteers to sell kisses. Freddie suggests stealing hubcaps. Horshack starts shouting, “Let’s put on a show!” Gabe argues that no television station — not even public access channel 52.4 — would agree to air a Sweathog telethon. However, Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to gloat about how, due to budget cuts, the remedial Sweathog class is going to have to be cut, unless the Sweathogs can come up with $700. Realizing the seriousness of the situation, Gabe and the Sweathogs invite the president of channel 52.4 to the school so that he can see the Sweathogs perform Me and My Shadow. Needless to say, the Sweathogs get their telethon! Will they be able to raise $700?

(Seriously, no one had an extra $700 lying around?)

The telethon is broadcast live from Gabe’s classroom and even Mr. Woodman shows up in a tux. “I sing!” he explains. Once the show goes live, Gabe (of all people) freezes up on camera so Julie has to grab the microphone from him and explain the purpose of the telethon. Julie proceeds to sing a deliberately off-key version of Let Me Entertain You. Juan Epstein sings a version of “Day-O” while playing the bongo drums. Freddie sings a song and turns out to be just as off-key as Julie. Gabe and Horshack do a somewhat disturbing routine where Gabe pretends to be a ventriloquist and Horshack pretends to be the dummy. Barbarino sings his “Ba-Ba-Barbarino song.” And I have to admit that I actually laughed at all this. I’ve seen a lot of “let’s put on a show” episodes from the 70s and this is one of the first where the point is that no one is as talented as they originally claimed. It’s a fun little twist.

As the telethon comes to an end, Gabe realizes that they still need to raise $22 to make their goal. (Can’t Gabe just donate $22 from his next paycheck?) Anyway, Gabe’s mom calls and offers to donate $22 if Gabe sings some silly song from his childhood. Gabe sings something about apple pie and — yay! The Sweathogs are saved. Woodman sings My Way as the telethon comes to a close.

Back the apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about his Uncle Ben. “Did he make rice?” Julie replies. Gabe explains that Ben didn’t make rice but that he was schizophrenic.

Anyway, the important thing is that the Sweathogs raised $700 without having to contribute any money themselves. New York City really is a generous city.

Episode 1.21 “Kotter Makes Good”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 19th, 1976)

Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about the time that his cousin Brucie didn’t want to go to school because all the student made fun of him. Aunt Elsie told Brucie that he had to go to school because, “You’re 37 and you’re the principal.”

At school, the Sweathogs are worried about exam week. Horshack makes out his last will and testament because his father is going to kill him when he sees his grades. (Yikes!) Epstein has a note from “Epstein’s mother,” requesting that he be excused from exams because he’ll be attending the Ecumenical Council in Rome. Gabe attempts to encourage the Sweathogs to just study and take the tests but he is interrupted by Mr. Woodman, who drops by to announce that Gabe never took his senior exams. Horshack says that Gabe should just take the upcoming exams with the Sweathogs.

Back at the apartment, Gabe searches for his old school records while Julie tells him that he needs to study. Suddenly, the Sweathogs show up to help Gabe study. Epstein brings the blackboard from school. (“It just fell off the wall,” Epstein says.) Horshack shows up dressed like Mr. Kotter and asking Julie if she wants to hear a joke about his uncle. Though it takes a while, especially with Gabe deciding to show the Sweathogs what its like to teach them (“Hi there,” Gabe repeatedly says to Freddie), Gabe eventually realizes how much his students care about him and he decides to study with them.

At the school, a chagrined and twitching Woodman tells Gabe that he made a mistake and Gabe actually did take his senior exams while a student at Buchanan High. Gabe, however, takes the makeup exams anyways. He passes every exam, though he does come very close to failing his Algebra test. The Sweathogs celebrate by singing a version of the Mickey Mouse Club song.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Aunt Selma, who was a lousy driver and parked her car in the kitchen. This is followed by a second joke, in which Gabe tells Julie about two brothers who always went fishing. The jokes probably would have been funnier if Gabe had been able to tell them without Julie interrupting him every few minutes. This was one of those episodes were you could really see that there was some truth behind the stories of Marcia Strassman hating her time on the show.

This was one of those episodes that worked primarily due to the chemistry between the members of the cast. Horshack’s Kotter impersonation was surprisingly effective and John Sylvester White’s unhinged performance as Woodman was, once again, a highlight of the episode.

Next week: Barbarino becomes a priest and the first season ends!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume?” and 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

Posted on August 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Epstein becomes a vet and a flu epidemic hits the school.

Episode 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 29th, 1976)

At home, over a checkers game, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Walden Kotter. Walden was always concerned as to whether or not he was going to go to heaven.

“Did he ever find out?” Julie asks, without a noticeable lack of enthusiasm.

Gabe explains the Walden went to India and asked the High Llama. “The good news,” the High Llama said, “is that you are going to Heaven. The bad news is that you leave Thursday.”

The next day, an energized Gabe enters his classroom and tells the Sweathogs that it’s time for them to read their compositions about what they want to do with their lives. Barbarino wants to be a guy who never writes compositions. Freddie says that he doesn’t know what he wants to be but he wants to make sure it’s something that pays a lot of money. Horshack says that his essay is not about what he wants to be but about what he wants. “Dear Santa….” Horshack begins.

Suddenly, Gabe realizes that Epstein is not in the class. “I ain’t seen him,” Barbarino says before Epstein suddenly shows up at class, late because he says his pet hamster Florence is sick. Epstein has put Florence in a box and brought her to school with him. Everyone takes a look at the hamster. Epstein explains that he also owns several white mice and a chicken.

“Have you ever considered becoming a vet?” Gabe asks.

“My cousin was in the army, he didn’t like it,” Epstein replies.

“A veterinarian!” Gabe yells.

Epstein says he likes to eat meat.

“Not a vegetarian, a veterinarian!”

It goes on for a while but eventually, Epstein realizes that he could be “Dr. Epstein” and he agrees to talk to the guidance counselor about his new career goal. Yay!

Meanwhile, in the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Helms (Laura Zucker), the school guidance counselor, tells Mr. Woodman that computers and VHS tape are going to change the way that principals run their schools and teachers teach their classes. Remote learning is the future!

“Are you telling me,” Mr. Woodman says, “that someday, I will be able to run this school without having to deal with any students? Imagine that …. a school without students!”

Mr. Woodman is so excited about the idea that you have to feel bad that he wasn’t around for the COVID lockdowns. Seriously, he would have been in Heaven.

Overhearing them, Gabe starts to imitate a robot teacher. After an annoyed Woodman leaves the teacher’s lounge, Gabe brings in Epstein so he can talk to Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms tells Epstein that he doesn’t have high enough test scores to ever pursue a career outside of simple manual labor. She further says that encouraging Epstein to dream of being a vet is unfair to both him and dangerous to his animals. Visibly hurt, Epstein says, “That was the shortest career I’ve ever had,” and storms out of the lounge.

When Ms. Helms explains that teachers should not get close to their students, Gabe replies, “Up your nose with a computer hose.”

As always happens whenever something bad happens at school, the Sweathogs show up at Gabe’s apartment, where they ruin his latest attempt to try to get Julie to laugh. Epstein, Horshack, Freddie, and Barbarino all show up with Epstein’s animals and tell Gabe that they are all now his responsibility. (It turns out that Epstein owned a turtle named Truman Capote.) Epstein announce that all of his animals will be better off without him and Robert Hegyes delivered the line so sincerely that my heart broke a little for him. Seriously, whenever I’m about to dismiss this show as being too silly for its own good, it’ll surprise me with a scene of earnest sincerity.

Anyway, it turns out that Florence the Hamster is pregnant and this somehow leads to all of the Sweathogs donning surgical scrubs while Forence gives birth in Gabe’s classroom.

Gabe runs out the classroom and returns with Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms sees that Epstein supervised the whole process and admits that Epstein might have what it takes to be a doctor. When Epstein says that the two baby hamsters are named Julie and Gabe, the human Gabe tells the hamster Julie a joke about his Uncle Max, who was 64 years old and married a 28 year-old girl.

Back at the apartment, Human Gabe tells Human Julie about his Uncle Max who was 64 years old and …. well, you get the idea. When told that making love at his age could be fatal, Max replied, “If she dies, she dies.” Ouch!

This is the second Epstein-centric story of the first season and, much like the first one, it’s surprisingly effective. Robert Hegyes did a really good job of revealing that, underneath his tough exterior, Epstein was just an insecure kid who needed someone to believe in him. This was a good episode, even if I did find myself wondering where the Sweathogs found those surgical scrubs.

Episode 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 5th, 1976)

At the apartment, Julie is upset over getting a crank call. Gabe tells her about the time that he called a butcher and asked him if he had pig’s feet. “Where do you buy your shoes?” is the punchline.

At the school, everyone is out with the flu so the gifted class has been combined with the remedial class. The Sweathogs are upset over having to share their class with the smart kids but actually, they’re just insecure because they think Gabe likes the smart kids more than them. Gabe reassures them by asking them a lot of sports-related questions. In the end, the flu takes out everyone except for Gabe and Horshack. This was an extremely simple episode and I got the feeling that it was probably meant to air earlier in the season than it did. The Sweathogs’s individual personalities seemed to a bit less defined than usual and Gabe seemed like he was still struggling to win the trust of his students. Considering that we’ve already seen the Sweathogs visit Gabe at his apartment several times, everything about their relationship in this episode felt a bit off.

To wrap things up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Morris. Morris told a judge that he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to become a U.S. citizen because he spoke “poor English” but, fortunately, the judge also spoke poor English. So, I guess that worked out.

Next week …. it’s exam time!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.16 and 1.17 “Follow The Leader”

Posted on July 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we’ve got a two-parter!

Episode 1.16 “Follow The Leader, Part One”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1976)

“Julie,” Gabe asks as they have dinner at the apartment, “Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Sylvester, who was a real nut?” Uncle Sylvester went into a psychiatrist’s office and said, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! I’m a dog!” When asked how long he had felt like that, Sylvester replied, “Ever since I was a puppy!”

Julie is amused by the joke but she’s not amused when, the next morning, Arnold Horshack wakes her and Gabe up by tapping on their window. Apparently, Horshack has gotten into the habit of coming over to have breakfast with Gabe and Julie and Julie is sick of it! “We don’t have any privacy anymore!” Julie says, “Everywhere we go, there’s a Sweathog!”

Gabe gets upset at Julie for not appreciating the Sweathogs and announces that if Horshack wants to eat with them, Horshack is going to eat with them. He then allows Horshack into the apartment, where Julie gives him the stare of death. It seems like this might lead to trouble later….

(For the record, Julie has every right to be upset as she’s basically standing there in her bathrobe while Horshack hops up and down in her apartment. I mean, Gabe could have at least let her get dressed before letting his creepiest student climb in through the window.)

At school, Gabe teaches the class about democracy. He asks them how leaders are selected. Epstein says that leaders are elected except for Gerald Ford, who became president because he was the only person in Washington who wasn’t under arrest. Trying to reach his students, Gabe makes the mistake of saying that Vinne Barbarino is the leader of the Sweathogs.

“You’re the leader of the Sweathogs?” Freddie says to Barbarino.

“Is a bear Catholic?” Barbarino replies, “Does the Pope live in the woods?”

Gabe says that if the Sweathogs were democratic, they would have voted for who they wanted to lead them. The Sweathogs agree to vote, with Epstein assuring Barbarino that there’s no way they would ever vote him out.

“Does anyone want to challenge Vinnie Barbarino?” Gabe asks.

Freddie Washington stands up. “Hi there.”

The Sweathogs vote by raising their hands. Barbarino gets five votes. Freddie gets five votes. Oh my God, a tie! Wait a minute …. Epstein didn’t vote! After Gabe tells Epstein that it’s up to him to pick the leader of the Sweathogs, Epstein smiles and says, “Washington!”

Awwwww! Poor Barbarino! He looks heart-broken!

Epstein explains that Barbarino has been leader for a long time and that it’s time for “New Blood.”

“Hi there,” Freddie says, “I’m Boom-Boom New Blood.”

Barbarino calls the Sweathogs “punks” and then announces he’s dropping out of school before storming out the classroom.

Way to go, Gabe!

Later that day, Julie attempts to make up with Gabe be bringing him lunch at school but she’s upset when he starts to talk about Barbarino dropping out of school. “Can’t you talk about anything other than work!?” Julie demands, even though Gabe is actually at work. Julie gets even more upset when Epstein and Freddie enter the classroom, despite the fact that — again — Gabe is at work and it actually is Epstein and Freddie’s classroom.

Julie storms out of class, saying that Gabe can’t take anything seriously. Stunned Gabe barely notices as the other Sweathogs return from their lunch. Then, he hears Barbarino calling for him out in the hallway. Gabe steps out in the hall, to discover Barbarino wearing a skull cap and dress like a priest. Barbarino explains that his father got so angry at Barbarino for dropping out of school that he kicked Barbarino out of the house.

“Don’t worry,” Barbarino assures Gabe, “I don’t feel this is your fault, even though most of it is.”

Barbarino says that he needs to place to stay until he can figure out what to do. Even though he has to know what’s going to happen as a result, Gabe eventually agrees to bring Barbarino home with him.

Needless to say, Julie is not amused. She yells at Gabe and Gabe yells back and, for a few moments, I remembered all the stories that I’ve heard about how Gabe Kaplan and Marcia Strassman did not get along off-screen. On-screen, Gabe Kotter tries to lighten the mood by asking Julie if he ever told her about his Aunt Ira.

“I don’t care about your jokes, Gabe,” Julie replies. Ouch!

Julie walks out on Gabe.

OH MY GOD! The 30 minutes are up! How will they resolve this? Well, let’s find out….

Episode 1.17 “Follow The Leader, Part Two”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 22nd, 1976)

I have to admit that I was really hoping that Part Two would open with Gabe telling Barbarino a joke about his uncle and Barbarino totally not getting it. Instead, it opens with a recap of Part One.

After the recap, the show begins with Gabe sleeping on his fold-out couch and …. is that Vinnie Barbarino sleeping next to him? The audience goes crazy because Barbarino isn’t wearing as shirt but me …. well, okay, Barbarino looks good and I would have totally had a crush on Young John Travolta too. Still, it already seems strange enough for a student to live with a teacher without the two of them sleeping in the same bed.

Anyway, Epstein wakes them up by knocking on the window. (The audience goes even crazier as Barbarino struts over to the window to let him in.) It turns out that Horshack is with Epstein. They both want breakfast. Barbarino pours milk and cereal on them.

Entering the apartment, Epstein and Horshack discover that Julie has left Gabe. Horshack is upset. Epstein grins. While the Sweathogs get ready for their day, Gabe calls the local hotel and, after realizing that she checked in under her maiden name, he finally talks to Julie. Julie reveals that she’s called Gabe’s cousin, who also happens to be a divorce lawyer. Gabe kicks out Epstein and Horshack and then orders Barbarino to either go to school or get a job.

“I bet you don’t think I can get a job,” Barbarino says. “Well, guess what? You don’t need brains to get a job …. and I’m going to prove it!”

Gabe calls Julie again and finally gets her to agree to meet him at the apartment at 3:30. He promises that he’ll head home right after school.

Speaking of school, Freddie has managed to alienate all of the Sweathogs by letting his power go to his head. He orders Epstein to get a haircut and he tells Gabe that the Sweathogs need a recreation period. For some reason, Freddie wants to start the day with a square dance.

To my very real surprise, Gabe manages to get back to the apartment in time to clean up before Julie arrives. When Julie does arrive, she complains that Gabe cares more about the Sweathogs than her (and she has a point) and Gabe says that Julie needs to stop always feeling sorry for herself (and, let’s just be honest here, he has a point as well). Gabe tries to make his point by punching table and has to briefly step into the bathroom so he can yell in pain.

At the worst possible moment, Babarino shows up. He took Gabe’s advice and he got a job! He’s selling Tidy Didy cleaning products, door-to-door.

Gabe tells Barbarino to go back to school and tells Julie she has to build her own life instead of getting jealous of him and his job. Both Barbarino and Julie say that they’ll think about it before leaving.

At school, Gabe teaches a lesson about the two-party system and the importance of competition. Freddie admits that he doesn’t enjoy being the leader of the Sweathogs but he also doesn’t want to be a follower. Suddenly, Barbarino shows up and says that he’s back in school. Yay! He also suggests that the Sweathogs don’t need a leader. Freddie agrees. Yay!

Barbarino then says that he hopes that Gabe doesn’t mind that he asked out Julie.

“You asked my wife out?” Gabe replies.

“Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago. In the hall.”

Gabe steps out in the hall and discovers Julie waiting for him. They agree to work out their problems. Yay, I guess. Seriously, Julie seemed really miserable with Gabe. Julie does say that she would like to tell a joke once in a while.

“I can be very funny,” Julie says. The audience laughs because even they know better. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To keep his pants up. Why does the fireman wear red suspenders? To get to the other side.”

That night, back at their apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about his Aunt Bertha.

“No, no, wait!” Julie says, “Let me tell you about Aunt Bertha.” Aunt Bertha was so fat that when she sat around the house …. she sat around the house. That’s the joke.

This two-parter wasn’t bad at all. I like the fact that Gabe and Julie were both, more or less, equally responsible for the problems in their marriage and young John Travolta got to show off his natural comedic timing. Of course, if you know anything about the behind-the-scenes issues on Welcome Back, Kotter (like the fact that Marcia Strassman hated her time on the show), a lot of what happens in this episode takes on a deeper meaning.

Next week, Epstein finally finds a career path that doesn’t involve prison!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.15 “The Sit-In”

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Gabe teaches the Sweathogs how to fight the man!

Episode 1.15 “The Sit-In”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1976)

As this episode begins, Gabe is running late but he still takes the time to tell Julie about his Uncle Bernie. Apparently, Uncle Bernie was always late because he was always fighting with his wife. Aunt Helene always said Bernie was going to be late to his own funeral. Bernie replied that he was going to be buried at sea. I didn’t get it either but at least Gabe got to tell his joke. That seems to be important to him.

You know what isn’t a joke? Food fights at school! Mr. Woodman shows up in Gabe’s classroom, wearing a raincoat and a hat because he says that he’s heard that the Sweathogs are going to start a food fight in the cafeteria. Gabe argues that the Sweathogs would not start a food fight in the cafeteria without protecting themselves, just for the Sweathogs to all show up for class wearing costumes that range from a football helmet to a fireman’s uniform to a doctor’s mask to a garbage bag. (Not surprisingly, Horshack is the one who went with the garbage bag.)

“They’re not people, Kotter, they’re not people!” Woodman announces.

“Why didn’t you tell me today was going to be dress-up day?” Gabe asks, “I could have spray-painted my suit and came as a subway train.”

It turns out that the Sweathogs are planning a food fight as a protest against the cafeteria serving liver for lunch. Kotter encourages the Sweathogs to work through the system and put together a petition. When he tells this to Woodman, Woodman replies, “What system, Kotter? There’s only one system here! You’re free to do as you’re told! …. We all have to eat this swill and if I die, I’m taking all of you with me.”

(Woodman, to my surprise, is quickly becoming my favorite character on this show. John Sylvester White’s portrayal, with its suggestion that Woodman is slowly losing his mind, never fails to make me smile.)

Realizing that the petition isn’t going to do the job, Gabe encourages his students to stage a sit-in. For some reason, they all sit down in the classroom instead of the cafeteria. After several hours, Woodman steps into the classroom and discovers the sit-in. Gabe tells Woodman that they’re committed. “If you’re not committed, you should be,” Woodman says, before madly laughing.

Though the Sweathogs want to go home, Gabe demands that they stay in the room and protest. (One gets the feeling that Gabe is once again forcing the Sweathogs to take part in his own midlife crisis.) The Sweathogs agree to continue to the sit-in.

That night, Gabe and Epstein keep everyone amused by doing their imitations of Groucho and Chico Marx.

Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to anyone to bring food into the classroom and the Sweathogs, suffering from hunger pains, once again start to abandon the protest. Gabe tells them that they can’t leave but the Sweathogs are starving! Suddenly, Julie shows up with a picnic basket and announces that she has brought everyone “my famous tuna casserole.” The Sweathogs decide to starve. Gabe tells Julie that not even famine victims would eat her tuna casserole. Ouch! Honestly, if I was Julie, I would leave at that point and just let everyone starve but Julie announces that she used to organize sit-ins in college and she’s staying and she’s even brought pillows and blankets.

Gabe announces that it’s time for everyone to get some sleep for the night. Barbarino tells Gabe that he always sleeps in the nude. “Go ahead,” Gabe says and the audience goes crazy because seriously, young John Travolta was insanely hot. Barbarino disappoints everyone by saying that it’s too cold for him to sleep in the nude. Boooo!

Gabe turns out of the lights. Horshack starts to cry because he doesn’t have his teddy. “You can’t have your teddy,” Gabe replies. “How about Mrs. Kotter?” Horshack asks. “You can’t have my teddy either,” Gabe replies. Meanwhile, Barbarino says his prayers and Epstein says, “Send my regards.” This leads to the Sweathogs debating what God is like. Epstein thinks he sounds like John Wayne. Washington thinks that God has a jazz band. Julie says that God is love and “that if God was here, he would love my tuna casserole.”

And you know what? This is actually a surprisingly sweet scene but I still have no idea how doing a sleepover in a classroom, something that the Drama Club did on a nearly weekly basis when I was in high school, is going to get the liver out of the cafeteria.

The next morning, Woodman comes by the classroom and discovers that everyone spent the night. Woodman says that it doesn’t make a difference because no one cares if the Sweathogs spent the night in the classroom but then a bunch of regular students show up and say they’re joining the sit-in.

“Down with liver!” everyone starts to chant.

Woodman announces that there will no longer be any liver in the cafeteria because “the real students don’t like it either.” So, basically, the Sweathogs still don’t matter. They got what they wanted but not because they wanted it. That’s kind of sad really.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Jack and how his wife fell out of an airplane. Does it concern Julie that all of Gabe’s jokes are about husbands killing their wives? I mean, I would be careful about bringing up the tuna casserole around him.

Anyway, this was actually a pretty likable episode and an example of what a talented cast can do with an otherwise middling story. During the firsts season, at least, this show was very good about giving every member of the cast a chance to shine.

Next week, we have a two-part episode in which Vinnie Barbarino drops out of high school!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold” and 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

Posted on July 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Horshack gets promoted and Julie finally leaves Gabe!

Episode 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Malcolm Kotter. Malcolm was a traveling salesman who left an umbrella in his hotel room. When he went to retrieve the umbrella, he discovered the room was now occupied by a couple on their honeymoon. Listening to their coital exchange from out in the hallway, Malcolm shouted, “Listen, when you get to the little umbrella, it’s mine!” For once, Julie laughs at the joke.

At school, Mr. Woodman interrupts Gabe’s lesson on Thomas Edison to announce that Arnold Horshack has been doing so well in Gabe’s class that he is now eligible to attend regular classes. Gabe is excited because not only does he now feel like a good teacher but he also sees Horshack as a symbol that proves that even the most difficult of students can be taught. As for the other Sweathogs, they’re just confused.

Horshack, meanwhile, is miserable about going to a class without his friends and he’s even more upset when Gabe tells him that he should try to make new friends and fit in with the regular students. Horshack is so upset that he goes to Kotter’s apartment building and turns down the heat so that Gabe will leave the apartment to complain. With Gabe gone, Horshack slips in through the window and begs Julie (who seriously has the patience of a saint in this episode) to convince Gabe to “like me again.”

Awwwwwwwww!

Seriously, Horshack is a character about whom I usually have mixed feelings. Of all the Sweathogs, he’s always come across as being the most cartoonish. In fact, one could even say that Horshack’s a bit annoying. But, in this episode, Ron Pallilo really broke my heart with how he played Horshack’s desperation to return to his old class. He breaks Julie’s heart too and, after Horshack says that he’ll jump off the highest building in Brooklyn if he’s not returned to his old class (yikes!), Julie makes Gabe see the error of his ways.

How can the Sweathogs convince Mr. Woodman to put Horshack back in Kotter’s class? They put on a play for him, in which they all talk about how important Horshack is to them. Gabe plays the role of Horshack, just for the real thing to wander into the classroom and announce, “I don’t have a mustache.”

Woodman agrees to let Horshack be a Sweathog again. For the most part, I think Mr. Woodman just wanted to escape Gabe’s classroom and return to the safety of his office. I don’t blame him!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the parrot that his cousin bought for his aunt. His aunt ate the parrot.

I felt bad for the parrot but otherwise, this was a sweet episode. I’m glad Horshack returned to where he belonged.

Episode 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his aunt Esther, who has always dreamed of getting a singing telegram.

Because she feels like her life has gotten boring, Julie goes to Vermont for a weekend ski vacation. Gabe says that he’s not worried about her being away from him but then he has a conversation with Mr. Woodman in which Woodman tells Gabe about how his fiancée went to Vermont on a ski trip and never returned because she fell in love with a German ski instructor. Woodman says that, as far as he knows, his ex is currently living in the Alps with her husband, who is now pretending to be Swiss. So Mr. Woodman’s fiancée left him for a Nazi war criminal? No wonder Mr. Woodman seems to have so little faith in humanity!

Feeling lonely, Gabe invites the Sweathogs over to his apartment so that they can play poker. However, even the Sweathogs realize that this is a strange thing for a teacher to do with his students and they leave after playing just a few hands. Just as Gabe is about to go up to Vermont himself, Julie comes home early. Apparently, her friend Candy Lieberman was getting on her nerves by talking too much.

With Julie back from Vermont, Gabe tells her about his Uncle Sanford the lumberjack.

This was an odd episode. This show works best when it focuses on the school and not Gabe’s homelife. Other than giving the great John Sylvester White a chance to reveal a little more of just how damaged a person Mr. Woodman truly is, this episode was fairly forgettable.

Next week: The Sweathogs protest the new cafeteria menu! It’s time for a sit-in!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl” and 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

Posted on July 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Barbarino gets a girlfriend and Gabe nearly gets killed by Julie.

Episode 1.11 “Barbarino’s Girl”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 25th, 1975)

At the start of this episode, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle and a monkey. I didn’t get it. Julie didn’t look that amused either.

At school, the Sweathogs are not in a good mood because it’s report card time! Gabe tells the Sweathogs not to panic because apparently, even if they are failing Social Studies, they still have time to raise their grades. (So, I guess Gabe is handing out progress reports as opposed to report cards.) Epstein has a note from his mother’s doctor explaining that any bad grades would be bad for her health. (He actually has several notes, one for each class.) The note is signed “Epstein’s Mother’s Doctor.”

Freddie, meanwhile, tries to bribe Gabe with a half-eaten apple while Horshack falls to his knees and begs for a good grade. Only Barbarino doesn’t beg, probably because he knows that he’s the best-looking guy in the school and when you’ve got a smile like that, who needs brains?

Gabe passes out the report cards. Epstein says, “Thanks for killing my mother.” Freddie takes back his apple. Horshack starts to laugh in his braying way. Gabe asks Horshack what’s so funny about his bad grade. Horshack replies that he’s laughing at Barbarino’s even worse grade. Barbarino, it turns out, actually does care about his grades because his mother is a saint who apparently hits him with rosary beads whenever he brings home a bad grade. Gabe says that he can’t just pass Vinne to be nice. He asks what Vinnie would become if everyone just passed him without checking to make sure that he actually learned something. “A high school graduate,” Vinnie says and he has a point.

Speaking of high school and grades and getting held back, I noticed that Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack appear to be the only regular members of the class. This episode featured a lot of students getting upset over their report card and I think one reason they struggled with Kotter’s class is that none of them had ever attended before. Seriously, who are half these people!? I definitely would have noticed that goony redhead sitting in the corner if he had ever attended class before this episode.

Gabe arranges for Barbarino to get some tutoring from Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), the same girl that ran against him for student body president. Though Judy and Barbarino initially don’t get along, they soon bond of their shared love of rhyming insults. Unfortunately, the other Sweathogs give Barbarino a hard time about his new friendship with Judy and Barbarino is stunned when Judy turns down his offer of a date. However, Judy later changes her mind and goes to Coney Island with Barbarino and the Sweathogs. Awwwww!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his cousin, Gorgeous Jerry Kotter. It was short joke and apparently, the point was that Gorgeous Jerry had a lot of back hair.

This episode pretty much existed so that John Travolta could do his dumb but sweet routine and I have no problem with that because he did it very well and he showed off that smile that could light up a room. Plus, Barbarino and Judy Borden were a cute couple. That said, I’ll be surprised if their relationship is ever mentioned again.

Episode 1.12 “California Dreamin'”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 2nd, 1975)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time that his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. Gabe replied, “I didn’t sign it.” Later, Gabe’s father came to the school and backed him up. Good for him.

Back at school….

Hey look! The goony redhead is back!

And the goony redhead gets some company when Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to introduce a transfer student from California. Her name is Bambi (Susan Lanier) and she tells everyone that she loves the beach. She also requests that everyone call her Sunshine.

All the Sweathogs are smitten but Bambi seems to be more interested in Mr. Kotter, asking him what his sign is. Gabe reveals that he’s an Aquarius. “I knew it!” Bambi shouts. Bambi asks Gabe to show her around. Gabe suggests that she ask one of the Sweathogs. “They’re not groovy like you,” Bambi replies.

After the school day ends, Gabe returns to his apartment. Julie asks him why a girl named Sunshine has been repeatedly calling the apartment and asking whether or not Gabe wants to go skinny dipping. Julie is so annoyed that she even puts on her glasses so that her withering stare can be magnified.

Julie asks Gabe if he has anything to say for himself.

“Yes,” Gabe replies, “Can I go?”

Gabe explains that Sunshine has a crush on him but he also tells Julie that he’ll explain to Sunshine tomorrow that they cannot run off together. He says that he’s sure that he can get Sunshine to understand and, “If she doesn’t, I promise I’ll write.” Julie attacks Gabe with a pillow in a way that suggests that she’s genuinely furious with him. Reportedly, Marcia Strassman and Gabe Kaplan did not get along during the production of Welcome Back, Kotter and, in this episode, Julie really does seem like she’s just looking for an excuse to kill her husband.

Back in the classroom, each Sweathog tries to impress Bambi. Epstenin chants her name. Horshack shows up with a walking stick, an overcoat, and sunglasses and pretends to be a Hollywood producer. Freddie sings a calypso song about how Santa Claus is black. Barbarino rushes into the room and sings, “I’m singing ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbino!” while the audience goes crazy.

Gabe, however, asks to speak to Bambi in the hallway. He reveals that he checked her records and discovered that she’s not from California. She’s from Lubbock and she’s been to 11 different schools, where she has always caused trouble. Bambi decides to show Gabe what type of trouble she can cause by entering the room and announcing that her pencil is on Gabe’s desk. Barbarino, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack lunge for it.

After Gabe points out how foolish everyone is acting over her, Bambi sees the folly of her ways and tells everyone the truth. The Sweathogs are very forgiving, probably because the last thing they were interested in, as far as Bambi was concerned, was what state she was from.

Back the apartment, Gabe wakes up Julie in the middle of the night to tell her about his Uncle Herbie. Julie rolls her eyes as Gabe talks about how his Aunt Estelle tried to trick Herbie into giving up alcohol and how it didn’t work.

I liked this episode more than I thought I would. My family moved around a lot when I was growing up so I could relate to how Bambi felt about having to always make a big first impression at every new school that she went to. Even if Marcia Strassman seemed to be annoyed by his very existence, Gabe Kaplan gave a good performance in this episode, especially in the scene where he confronted Bambi with the truth about her background. All in all, this was a pretty good episode.

Next week — Horshack gets promoted out of remedial classes!