Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”

Posted on December 27, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! How silly can things get this week?

Episode 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 23rd, 1978)

Pete Raymond (Dan Rowan) and his daughter, Harmony (Jill Whelan), are professional pickpockets who are hiding out from a determined NYPD Detective named Broylan (Cameron Mitchell). What better place to hide than Fantasy Island? After stealing a ticket to the island from a reverend, Pete discovers that “his” fantasy is to work on a farm. Of course, as you probably already guessed, the fantasy is actually Harmony’s. She wants her father to calm down and live a normal life, away from committing crimes and fleeing the police. At first, farmwork seems to agree with Pete but then Broylan shows up on the island.

I’ve often wondered about the legal status of Fantasy Island. Is it an independent nation or is it territory of the United States or a member of the Commonwealth? Some of the episodes during the first season suggested that Fantasy Island was a territory of the United States. However, in this episode, Roarke reminds Broylan that the NYPD has no jurisdiction in Fantasy Island and that the island is not required to turn anyone over to America. Pete is eventually arrested but Mr. Roarke explains that the Fantasy Island magistrate has ruled that Pete and Harmony can stay on the island and work on the farm. When Broylan demands to know who the magistrate is, Mr. Roarke replies that he is. So, apparently, we are now back to Fantasy Island being a separate nation where Mr. Roarke makes and interprets all of the laws.

The legal status of Fantasy Island was probably the most interesting thing about this fantasy. It’s always fun to see Cameron Mitchell playing an obsessed cop but Dan Rowan gives a lousy performance as Pete and it’s never really clear how Harmony was able to set up the fantasy in the first place. I mean, it obviously took a lot of planning on her part. Did Mr. Roarke charge her the full price or is she another one of the freeloaders that Tattoo is always complaining about?

The show’s other fantasy is even more ridiculous and, not coincidentally, it’s also a lot more fun. Painter Ted Cavanaugh (Sonny Bono) is upset that his ex-wife Mary (Diana Canova) is going to be marrying some stuffy rich guy so he asks to be transformed into an 18th century pirate so that he can kidnap Mary and convince her that she’s still in love with him. WHAT!? It’s totally completely ludicrous but …. I don’t know. Sonny Bono is kind of funny as a pirate. If you’re going to have a silly fantasy, you might as well go out and make it as silly as humanly possible and that’s definitely what happens here. Fortunately, it all works out in the end. Who can resist a pirate?

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.5 “No Smoking” and 3.6 “Coach Fuller’s Car”

Posted on December 26, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Are you feeling lost? Fear not! The Deering Tornadoes are here with some important life lessons!

Episode 3.5 “No Smoking”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 27th, 1997)

Oh no, Teddy’s smoking!

Yes, it’s yet another TNBC anti-smoking episode. It seems like every TNBC show was required to do at least one episode where someone smokes one cigarette and suddenly becomes so addicted that they can’t function without that sweet, sweet nicotine. Everyone tells them that smokers aren’t cool. No one wants to hang out with a smoker. Smokers smell like smoke. Smokers taste bad when you kiss them. Smokers can’t play basketball. Blah blah blah. It’s like a 30-minute version of those dumbass Truth dot com commercials where they’re like, “Big Tobacco is ravaging Struggling America.”

Anyway, Teddy is smoking and, when Coach Fuller finds out, he forbids Teddy from playing basketball. Everyone tries to help Teddy quit. Hypnosis doesn’t work. Meditation doesn’t work. “The nicotine has control of you,” Coach Fuller explains, making nicotine sound a lot cooler than it actually is. Eventually, Fuller lets Teddy play, even though Teddy still hasn’t totally given up cigarettes because Fuller apparently had a total personality transplant between seasons 2 and 3. (Remember how, during season 2, Fuller decided he’d rather the team lose than allow his best players on the court, all due to some fake IDs? That doesn’t seem like the actions of a guy who would just sort of shrug and let Teddy play.) Teddy agrees to enter an “anti-smoking” program and the other non-smokers on the team agree to attend with him. What good is that going to do for them? They’re already anti-smoking. No, this is a path that Teddy must walk alone.

Ugh, this episode was so heavy-handed. I don’t even smoke and I got annoyed with it. Let’s move on.

Episode 3.6 “Coach Fuller’s Car”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 27th, 1997)

Coach Fuller has a conference to attend but the cab that was supposed to take him to the airport never showed up! Because Fuller apparently has no friends or family outside of his team, he asks if they can give him a ride to the airport. When they reveal that Vince’s car isn’t working, Fuller asks them to drive him to the airport in his prized Range Rover.

So, already, this episode has a huge credibility program. First off, is there seriously no one else who can drive Fuller to the airport? What about the assistant principal, the one who happens to be in love with him? How about the assistant coach who showed up when Fuller had the mumps? How about one of the many adult basketball players who are willing to drop everything and come to Deering High whenever a member of the Tornadoes needs a pep talk?

Secondly, even if we do accept that Fuller needs a high school student to drive his car to the airport, why does the entire team go to the airport with them? Julie ends up driving, while Teddy, Vince, and Danny pile in the back seat. Since it’s already been established that Fuller is extremely protective of his car, why would he allow the three most irresponsible characters on the show to ride with him and Julie to the airport?

Anyway, once they reach the airport, Fuller tells Julie to take the car straight home. Instead, Julie, Teddy, Vince, and Danny drive the car to a frat party in Indianapolis, where Michael’s band is performing. (Michael has a band? And Kristy and Mary Beth are his backup singers?) Unfortunately, the punch at the frat has been spiked and soon, everyone but Michael and his singers are drunk! In a rare example of good judgment, Julie decides not to drive Coach’s car while drunk. Instead, they leave the car at the frat house while Michael takes everyone home.

The next morning, Michael and Julie go back to the frat house and …. THE CAR’S GONE!

You saw that coming, right?

When Fuller comes home early, he is informed by the police that his car was found on the roof of the university library. (The police say is was a rush week prank. I’m wondering how a bunch of frat boys got a range rover on the roof of a library.) The car is fine but Fuller still plays a prank on his team by having some biker dude tell them that the car is no more. It turns out that Fuller is proud of his team for not driving drunk but he still orders them to run 20 miles to teach them a lesson about responsibility.

This episode …. actually, it wasn’t that bad. Yes, Fuller made a huge mistake trusting the team with his car but, for once, his reaction to the team screwing up seemed realistic and reasonable. He praised his team for not driving drunk. That’s a good message. Despite the fact that most of this episode’s drama could have been avoided by the characters not being idiots, the overall episode actually work pretty well.

What lessons will be learned next week? We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Reviews: Gidget’s Summer Reunion (dir by Bruce Bilson)

Posted on December 25, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1985’s Gidget’s Summer Reunion! It can be viewed on Tubi!

Back in the 1970s, when the rest of the country was worrying about political corruption, inflation, and an out-of-touch president with an embarrassing family, Gidget, Jeff, and their friends were carefree California teenagers who spent all of their time either hanging out on the beach or running into the ocean with a surfboard. It was a time when they had not a care in the world and, obviously, it couldn’t last forever.

Nearly 10 years later, Gidget (Caryn Richman) and Jeff (Dean Butler) are now married and their surfboards have been safely stored away in the garage. Jeff works as an architect and it’s obvious that his new boss, Anne (Mary Frann), wants to make their professional relationship into something personal. Gidget, meanwhile, owns her own travel agency and, apparently, it’s a success even though Gidget rarely seems to spend much time at the office. Gidget is hyperactive and a bit self-absorbed and, as such, she usually only shows up at work long enough to tell her employees about her latest problems before then running out of the office in an impulsive attempt to fix everything.

What problems do Gidget and Jeff have? Well, for one thing, they live in a giant house despite the fact that they’re nearly broke. They’re both workaholics and, as a result, they don’t spend as much time together as they used to. They got married and then they became strangers. It’s been years since they last went down to the beach. When Gidget’s niece, Kim (Allison Barron), wants to learn how to surf, it doesn’t even occur to her to ask her aunt or her uncle. Instead, she ends up hanging out with a sleazy, beer-drinking surfer named Mickey (Vincent Van Patten).

Fear not! Gidget has a plan! Jeff’s birthday is coming up and Gidget decides that it would be a great idea to use her travel agent powers to get the entire gang back together again. She wants to bring all of the old surfers back to help celebrate Jeff’s big day. The only problem is that the old gang isn’t entirely easy to find. Plus, one of Gidget’s tour guides has to drop out of leading a tour in Hawaii. Gidget is forced to go in his place. Can she get back from Hawaii in time to save Jeff from Anne and Kim from Mickey? And even more importantly, will she ever be able to track down the old gang? Will the movie end with a bunch of balding guys surfing while the Beach Boys play on the soundtrack? Can you guess the answer?

The best thing that can be said about Gidget’s Summer Reunion is that the beach looked nice and the Hawaii scenes reminded me of the wonderful summer that my family and I spent in Hawaii. And the film is correct when it points out that adulthood is never as easy as we expected it to be when we were teenagers. However, the film suffers from the fact that a lot of Gidget’s problems could have been solved by Gidget actually taking a few minutes to think before acting. It’s one thing to be free-spirited and impulsive. It’s another thing to totally lack common sense. For instance, Gidget and Jeff’s old surfboards are stolen out of the back of Gidget’s convertible and, while you can certainly feel bad for Gidget’s loss, you do have to wonder what she was expecting when she basically just left them out in the open, where anyone could get their hands on them. Jeff isn’t off the hook either, as it was pretty much obvious to everyone but him that Anne was trying to get him to cheat on his wife. Gidget and Jeff are a cute couple but they don’t seem to have a brain cell between them.

Oh well. At least the beach looked nice!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.2 “Follow Your Dreams” and 3.3 “Budget Cuts”

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week is all about aptitude tests and radio stations!

Episode 3.2 “Follow Your Dreams”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 17th, 1994)

The school guidance counselor (Christopher Hewett) gives everyone an aptitude test. Mark discovers that he should be a guidance counselor. Tiffani discovers she should be a vet. Tony discovers that he should be a musician. (Way to go, Tony!) Lorena’s ideal career choice is fashion designer. The same is true of Sly, largely because he copied off of Lorena’s test. Jake, meanwhile, is told he should go into arranging flowers.

This comes at a bad time for Jake. He’s been suffering from writer’s block and, when the test says that he has no artistic skills, he considers giving up music. Fortunately, he changes his mind. The Dreams already lost Matt, I doubt they could survive losing Jake.

Meanwhile, Sly briefly becomes Lorena’s boyfriend but that only lasts a day before she discovers that he copied her test. She humiliates Sly by forcing him to dress up like a caveman for a school presentation. (Sly actually looks good as a caveman so it doesn’t quite work.) Fear not. Sly and Lorena will eventually get a second chance in another season or two.

This was a good episode. Tony turning into a pretentious beatboxer was especially amusing.

Episode 3.3 “Budget Cuts”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 24th, 1994)

What was the deal with Peter Engel-produced shows and school radio stations?

Saved By The Bell had a school radio station that was used to help save the Max. City Guys had a radio station that became a major part of the show after Chris and Jamal abandoned work on the video yearbook. Did Hang Time have a school radio station? It honestly would not shock me if they did.

Anyway, California Dreams also has a school radio station and Sly has been named the general manager. Of course, all of the Dreams get programs of their own. Mark becomes a drama critic and upsets Tony by ridiculing his performance as Hamlet. Sam gets a job running an advice show and tells people to go see Mrs. Doubtfire. Jake gets a show called “Shut Up and Listen!” And Lorena does a show about fashion. (“Combats boots are hot but wearing them with tube socks is not.”)

The radio station is a huge success for everyone but Jake. As Sly points out, people don’t want to be told to shut up and listen. When Jake refuses to change his format, Sly fires him. The audience gasps. One scene later, Principal Blumford (played by character actor Earl Boen), enters the radio station and announces that the school board has decided to cut funding for the radio station!

I’m sure you can guess what happens next. Lorena, Tiffani, and Sam want to start a petition to save the station. Jake ridicules them for not being “real rebels” so Lorena proves him wrong by locking herself in the radio station and broadcasting without authorization. Jake is so impressed that he not only makes out with Lorena (on the air) but he also attends a school board meeting and successfully argues that the station is important. Jake wears a suit to the meeting. The audience goes crazy. The episode ends with him and Lorena declaring their love for each other while everyone else celebrates the fact that the radio station has been saved.

This is actually my second time to review this episode. The first time I reviewed it, I think I was a little bit dismissive but I better appreciated it this time. Some of that’s because I’ve been watching One World, a show in which the cast had absolutely no chemistry. After watching something like One World or some of the lesser episodes of City Guys, it’s easier to see just how well the cast of California Dreams played off of each other. They’re believable as friends and bandmates and that definitely adds something to the show, regardless of how broad some of the humor may be.

The highlight of this episode? Lorena calling Jake “fake Fonzi.” What made it work was that Jake responded by saying, “Heeeey.” A close second would be Principal Blumford announcing, “I’ll be back,” which was a nice shoutout to Earl Boen’s role in The Terminator franchise.

Next week …. more music!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.7 “Dad Strikes Out” and 3.8 “Sui’s In For Stormy Weather”

Posted on December 23, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

We’re all in this together now!

Episode 3.7 “Dad Strikes Out”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 4th, 2000)

Occasionally, the writers of One World would suddenly remember some otherwise forgotten fact about their characters and build an episode around them. In this case, they suddenly remembered that Dave is a public high school teacher. At the start of this episode, Dave announces that the teachers are on strike and the high school is closed until further notice. Dave says that the strike is going to go on for a long time. So, I guess the school year is canceled and everyone will have to repeat their senior year. St. Neal is especially upset about this and who can blame him? He was supposed to graduate at the end of season 2! Is he ever going to get out of that school?

At the mall, the kids decide to harass the new guy working at Corn Dog World, just to discover that it’s their Dad. (This family is the worst!) Since Dave is humiliating himself by taking on another job while on strike, St. Neal announces that all of the kids will get jobs as well.

Cray, who is 13, gets a job searching for alligators in the sewer. Do they usually hire 13 year-olds for that type of work? Jane gets as job as a dog walker. Sui gets a job as a perfume sprayer at the mall. Marci keeps her job as the assistant manager of Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” The Warehouse. Ben plays guitar on the street. St. Neal makes money as a tutor. Considering he’s been a senior for three years now, I imagine he knows all of the answers.

The kids also help their parents save money by doing home repairs. “Is that roof safe?” St. Neal asks. “I don’t know,” Jane replies, “that why I sent Cray up there.” Okay, I will admit that line made me laugh.

Meanwhile, Ben dates a smart girl in order to win a bet with Marci. But then he falls in love with her for real. He begs her to forgive him when she finds out the truth and eventually, she does. (“Awwwwwww!” the audience says.) I’m sure we’ll never hear from her again.

Episode 3.8 “Sui’s In For Stormy Weather”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

This episode starts with Neal and Ben making their debut as film critics on the local cable access channel and …. wait, what!? Like how the Hell did this happen!? THEY’RE IN HIGH SCHOOL! What’s weird is that there’s no backstory that explains how Neal and Ben ended up with this gig. Instead, Marci says, “I can’t believe you guys get paid to be movie critics” and everyone watching is just supposed to accept it.

To be honest, this is type of thing that would normally make me stop watching after the first few minutes but, because the title promised that this was a Sui episode, I stuck with it. Considering that she’s both the coolest and the best-dressed of the Blake children, Sui has definitely not gotten enough storylines during season 3.

When Sui learns that there’s an opening for a weather girl at the station, she auditions for it and gets the job. The manager of the studio is named Randy Gekko, which automatically tells us not to trust him. No one decent person has ever been named Randy Gekko. And sure enough, Randy is soon pressuring Sui to wear a bikini while reporting on the weather and telling her that he can make her a star if she cooperates.

To the show’s credit, Sui immediately realizes what Randy is doing and that it’s wrong. One of the reasons why Sui is the best character on the show is because, while she’s often materialistic and a little flighty, she’s also smarter than people realize and she’s willing to stand up for herself. (Full disclosure: Of all the characters on this show, Sui is the one to whom I tend to relate.) In this case, she humiliates Randy on the air by announcing to the channel’s viewers (there must be at least half-a-dozen of them) that her boss is a sleaze. Way to go, Sui!

In the B-plot, Cray considers piercing his ear to impress a girl. It was a dumb plot and it had no place in a Sui episode.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.7 “Ebony & Ivory” and 3.8 “Reluctant Hero”

Posted on December 22, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Last week’s episodes of City Guys were actually pretty good. Let’s see if it continues this week!

Episode 3.7 “Ebony & Ivory”

(dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 9th, 1999)

Jamal’s dating a white girl! Kristen Jones (Amy Leland) is the daughter of a deputy mayor who pretends to be all progressive about race but who is actually a racist who doesn’t want Kristen dating a black guy. But Jamal has asked Kristen to the latest school dance. Chris agrees to pretend to be Kristen’s date but, when Kristen leaves her purse at the house, her father comes to the dance and catches Chris making out with his actual date, Sarah (Natalie Austin). Racist old Mr. Jones makes a big deal about the world not being ready for interracial relationships. Ms. Nobel and the students tell him off.

This episode had a good message but it was somewhat sabotaged by the fact that Kristen appeared to be in her early 30s and seemed to be too old to be dating anyone in high school, regardless of what race they may be. As well, the actress playing Kristen delivered her lines in a somewhat creepy monotone. For that matter, so did the actor playing her father and the actress playing Chris’s date. All of the guest actors were so stiff and unconvincing in their performances that this episode took on an odd Twilight Zone sort of feel. I found myself wondering if maybe Manny High had been transported to planet full of androids.

Interestingly enough, Chris spent the previous episode talking about how much he loved Cassidy but, even after it was revealed that she still didn’t have a date, Chris never asked her to the dance. Instead, Cassidy discovered the L-Train also didn’t have a date so she agreed to go with him. Dawn and Al, meanwhile, also discovered that neither one of them could get a date so they went together. It fit into the show’s message about interracial relationships and that’s a good thing but, at the same time, it also felt a bit forced. L-Train is the president of the student body and apparently a pretty popular guy. Cassidy usually has a new boyfriend every week. Since when have any of these characters ever had difficulty getting a date?

Episode 3.8 “Reluctant Hero”

(dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 9th, 1999)

In order to combat crime, Ms. Nobel decides to appoint L-Train, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy as hall monitors. L-Train and Al end up taking bribes in the form of brownies and Philly cheesesteaks. Whatever. It’s stupid. Let’s move on to the main story.

Along with turning her students into narcs, Ms. Nobel also decides that the school needs a self-defense class. Coming in to teach the class is Yvonne and …. OH MY GOD! It’s Lorena from California Dreams! That’s right, Diana Uribe plays Yvonne and naturally, both Chris and Jamal fall for her. (“She’s got a black belt in hot!” Chris exclaims.) Yvonne agrees to go on a date with Jamal but — uh oh! — Jamal’s been grounded. Jamal goes on the date anyway and, afterwards, he sees a man being mugged. Using his self-defense training, Jamal knocks the mugger out. But — oh no! — now his dad will know that he went out when he was grounded. Jamal convinces Chris to take credit for knocking out the mugger.

Chris is declared to be a hero. Jamal gets jealous, especially after the Mayor — THE MAYOR! — shows up at the diner to give Chris an award. (No one asks the mayor anything about the deputy mayor who is opposed to interracial relationships.) Jamal gets upset when Chris accepts the award but honestly, I have no sympathy for Jamal. Jamal’s the one who told Chris to take credit for knocking out the mugger. Anyway, after Chris has an attack of conscience and declines to accept the award, Jamal confesses that he disobeyed his father. While he does so, everyone in the diner watches him. I can only imagine how awkward it would be to witness something like that in real life.

This episode made me yell a lot because it was pretty stupid but, on the plus side, Lorena was always the California Dreams character to whom I most related so it was good to see Diana Uribe beating up the cast of City Guys. They should have made her a regular.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.17 “Winner Take Love / The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac’s History Lesson”

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, things get awkward as we set sail on The Love Boat!

Episode 1.17 “Winner Take Love / The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac’s History Lesson”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on January 28th, 1978)

It’s the most awkward cruise ever!

A beauty contest is being held on the ship! The winner becomes Ms. Pacific Princess and, along with getting a lot of money, she also sacrifices a year of her life so that she can go on free cruises and promote the Pacific Princess line. Along with being beautiful, the winner is also expected to be “virtuous.” Of course, judging from The Love Boat, the cruise line seems to specifically cater to people who are desperately looking to get laid so the rules seem to be a bit hypocritical.

The head of the contest, Waldo Linden (Graham Jarvis), recruits Captain Stubing to act as host. Unfortunately, after Stubing gets a few laughs from the jokes that Waldo has written for him, the Captain turns into a prima donna. He starts punching up the script on his own. Waldo, however, has even more to worry about than the captain. Suzy (Maureen McCormick), one of the contestants, is secretly traveling with her boyfriend, Rick (Bobby Sherman). When Waldo tries to disqualify Suzy for not being “virtuous,” another contestant, the klutzy Jeanette (Priscilla Barnes), asks that Waldo help her zip up her dress and, after Waldo kisses her, she points out that Waldo hasn’t been living up to his own standards. Due to Jeanette’s blackmail, Suzy is allowed to compete and she wins! But then she refuses the crown so that she can marry Rick and, as a result, Jeanette becomes Miss Pacific Princess.

While that’s going on, scandal-plagued Congressman John Whitcomb (Dick Van Patten) falls in love with Robin Brandt (Vickie Lawrence). What the Congressman doesn’t know is that Robin works for a tabloid newspaper and Robin’s editor expects Robin to report on whether or not allegations of an affair are going to led to Whitcomb resigning his seat.

All of that is certainly awkward but it’s nothing compared to the third storyline. Almost everyone loves passenger Virgil Gibson (played by the engaging Scatman Crothers), who is always the life of the party and who loves to make people laugh. The only person who doesn’t like him is Prof. Stephanie Hayden (Vernee Watson), who is on the cruise to work on a study about African-American history. Hayden feels the Virgil is acting like a fool and playing into all of the demeaning stereotypes that white people have about black people. Hayden encourages Isaac to learn more about his background and soon, Isaac is being rude to Virgil and telling him not to call people “boss.”

Captain Stubing notices this. He approaches Isaac — while Isaac is working — and says, “I notice you’ve been reading a lot of black history.”

AGCK! As soon as the very white Captain Stubing says those words to Isaac, the cringing begins.

Stubing goes on to explain that Virgil was a pitcher in the Negro Baseball Leagues and that, if not for him, blacks would never have made it into the major leagues. “And I wouldn’t be serving drinks on this cruise,” a remorseful Isaac says. “And I wouldn’t be teaching,” Stephanie agrees. Stubing goes on to explain that Virgil is acting the way he acts because that’s the way blacks were expected to behave when Virgil was a young man. After being chastised by the ship’s white authority figure, Isaac and Stephanie agree that they were wrong to judge Virgil.

And, in many ways, Captain Stubing does have a point about judging people and Isaac and Stephanie were being a bit harsh in their dismissal of Virgil. But that doesn’t change the fact that this episode features the extremely white Captain Stubing explaining black history to not only the ship’s only black employee but also a black college professor who has spent her entire academic career researching and writing about black history. Stubing is essentially telling two black people how they should interpret and feel about black history. It’s incredibly weird to watch and one has to wonder why the writers thought that Stubing — as opposed to Virgil himself — was the correct character to explain Virgil’s past and Virgil’s character. It just doesn’t feel right, at all.

That said, there was a lot to like about this episode. Scatman Crothers shows the same charm here that he showed in The Shining. As cringey as Captain Stubing is when he lectures on black history, the plotline of him turning into a diva was actually pretty funny and Gavin MacLeod seemed to be having fun playing up the pompous side of the character. The beauty pageant subplot was dumb but Maureen McCormick actually gave a pretty good performance as Suzy. This episode had its moments though, in the end, it will always be defined by the awkwardness.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.1 “Homecoming/The Sheikh”

Posted on December 20, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we begin season two of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.1 “Homecoming/The Sheikh”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 16th, 1978)

The second season of Fantasy Island begins with a bizarre mishmash of tones.

As usual, there are two fantasies. The first fantasy features David Birney as Alan Boardman. As Mr. Roarke explains it, Alan served in Viet Nam. He was horribly burned in battle and captured by the Viet Cong. He spent years, as an amnesiac, in a POW camp. In the United States, he was reported to have been killed in action. Finally, he was released from the POW camp and he underwent extensive plastic surgery. He now looks completely different than he did in his past life. It was only after the plastic surgery that Alan remembered who he was. He also remembered that he had a wife (Lynda Day George) and a son (Ronnie Scribner). Alan comes to Fantasy Island, hoping to be reunited with his family. However, there’s a complication. Alan’s wife has remarried and she still believes Alan to be dead. Alan meets his wife and his son but he has to pretend to be a stranger. Alan must decide whether to reveal his true identity or to accept that his wife has moved on and now has a new life.

Wow, that’s really dark! It’s an extremely serious story, one that ends on a bittersweet note that will leave no one truly satisfied. David Birney and Lynda Day George both give intense performances as they struggle to come to terms with the horror of the Vietnam War….

Meanwhile, the other fantasy features Arte Johnson as Edgar, a meek school teacher who wants to be a sheikh with a harem. Seriously, that’s his entire fantasy. Of course, once he becomes a sheikh, he discovers that his servant (played by Sid Haig) is a part of a conspiracy to murder him. It also turns out that a member of the harem is actually one of Edgar’s fellow teachers, Yasmine (Georgia Engel). Yasmine’s fantasy was for Edgar to finally notice her so Roarke’s solution was to force her to be a member of a harem! (Really, Mr. Roarke?) This fantasy is played for laughs and the comedy is extremely broad. It’s somewhat jarring to go from David Birney obsessing on the war to Arte Johnson grinning at the members of his harem. It’s such a tonal mismatch that it makes it difficult to get invested in either fantasy.

While all of this is going on, Tattoo is feeling depressed and suffering from ennui. Mr. Roarke solves this problem by giving Tattoo a tiny car that he can drive around. In this episode, Mr. Roarke doesn’t seem to openly dislike Tattoo as much as he did during the first season so I’ll be interested to see if that trend continues. Reportedly, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not have the best working relationship but, in this episode, Roarke and Tattoo actually seem to have a vague respect of one another. It’s a change of pace.

Anyway, this episode doesn’t work because the fantasies don’t really mesh well. However …. SID HAIG!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.3 “First Game Of The Season” and 3.4 “Fighting Words”

Posted on December 19, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

We’re part of the team, never alone….

Episode 3.3 “First Game of the Season”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 20th, 1997)

I hope this episode isn’t stupid, I thought as First Game of the Season began.

My hopes were dashed immediately as the episode opened with Teddy begging his teammates to sign his underwear for luck. This was followed by Coach Fuller discovering that the new assistant principal was his ex-fiancée. (“Whoooooo!” the audience said.) Then Michael went crazy because the first game of the season was going to be against his former team, Lynwood High. Michael started pressuring everyone during practice and even encouraged them to skip study hall so that they could practice some more. That led to the team getting detention. (Seriously? It’s freaking study hall. Everyone skipped study hall when I was in high school.) The team nearly lost to Lynwood until Michael set his ego aside and blah blah blah, Anyway, the final score was Deering 57 and Lynwood 56. Yay!

(As usual, the actors playing the Lynwood team were convincingly athletic, even if they looked more like football players than basketball players. Why did this show never realize that casting athletic actors as the rival players only highlighted how much the main cast struggled when it came to convincing the viewer that they were basketball stars?)

While all of this was going on, the Lynwood cheerleaders launched a prank war on the Deering cheerleaders. Mary Beth immediately pressured Kristy into retaliating. This is why I like Mary Beth. She is a force of chaos who continually encourages other people to escalate their behavior without ever running the risk of getting in trouble herself. Anyway, in this case, it leads to Kristy stealing the principal’s dog. And technically, that’s a crime and it never makes sense that Kristy is allowed to keep the dog a the school but you know what? The little bulldog was cute and he got to wear a lot of Wishbone-style costumes. That was fun,

Episode 3.4 “Fighting Words”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 20th, 1997)

This episode begins with the Tornadoes playing yet another game. Danny is struggling on the court and, from the stands, a bully taunts him. Normally, we would look to Coach Fuller to kick the guy out of his gym but …. OH MY GOD, COACH FULLER’S NOT THERE! Instead, there’s some short white guy that we’ve never seen before and he’s coaching the Tornadoes! It turns out that Coach Fuller has the mumps and will not be in this episode. I assume that means Reggie Theus had better things to do than show up for filming. I don’t blame him.

Anyway, realizing that he has a bully after him, Danny learns karate. However, his sensei tells him that karate is not used for fighting. Karate is used for discipline. When the bully dares Danny to a fight, Danny refuses to fight and proves that he’s the bigger man. All the students applaud him. Yay, Danny! Of course, in real life, backing down from a fight is a humiliation that would have followed Danny for the rest of his life.

While that’s going on, Kristy dates a cute but dumb boy named Joey. Joey is played by …. OH MY GOD, IT’S SCOTT WHYTE FROM CITY GUYS! This episode aired during the first season of City Guys, back when Scott Whyte still had good hair. There’s not really much to the Kristy/Joey storyline. Kristy pretends to be dumb to get Joey to like her. Eventually, she realized she would rather be smart so she dumps Joey. Joey doesn’t care because he’s cute. That’s pretty much it.

This was an oddly pointless episode, one that almost felt like it was written by a TNBC AI program of some sort. Coach Fuller would never have allowed this type of nonsense.

Retro Television Reviews: A Very Brady Christmas (dir by Peter Baldwin)

Posted on December 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In A Very Brady Christmas, America’s creepiest family reunites for the holidays.

Mike and Carol Brady (played by Robert Reed and Florence Henderson, of course) have finally got their house to themselves! The children have all moved out. A few have even gotten married and started families of their own. Mike is still an architect, though he now has a mustache that, along with his gray hair, makes him look more like a retired porn actor.

With Christmas approaching, Mike and Carol have each been secretly saving up their money to give the other a trip. Carol knows that Mike loves Greece. Mike suspects that Carol would love to go to Japan. In the end, though, they realize that they would much rather have the entire family come together for Christmas! They buy tickets for everyone. Of course, what they don’t know is that each of the Brady kids has an issue of their own.

For instance, consider the youngest of the Brady kids. Cindy isn’t even herself anymore, mostly because Susan Olsen declined to return for the reunion and Jennifer Runyon was cast in her place. Cindy is away at college and she’s upset that she has to cancel her plans to go skiing just so she can spend the holidays with her family. Meanwhile, Bobby (Mike Lookinland) has dropped out of college so that he can race cars on the NASCAR circuit but he hasn’t told his parents yet! Of course, if Bobby never tells them, he can just keep pocketing that sweet, sweet tuition money.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) is upset because his girlfriend is his boss and she makes considerably more money than he does. Jan (Eve Plumb) is secretly separated from her husband but, because it’s the holidays, they agree to pretend to still be together so that Mike and Carol don’t get upset. Greg (Barry Williams) has grown up to be a smarmy doctor but he is upset that his wife will not be joining him for Christmas with his parents. And Marcia (Maureen McCormick) is trying to keep everyone from discovering that her loser husband has lost his job.

And let’s not forget Alice (Anne B. Davis)! Alice finally married Sam The Butcher but their marriage is on the rocks….

Could the Bradys be more cursed?

Luckily, Mike and Carol are pretty good at uncovering problems and fixing things. (Except, of course, for that time that Mike never figured out that Marcia was acting strange because she wanted to surprise him with his father of the year prize….) Unfortunately, Mike is a bit distracted because his latest building was constructed with cheap material. When an earthquake causes the building collapse, Mike takes it upon himself to rescue two trapped workers. (Most of this takes place off-screen, of course.) When an aftershock hits, it seems like Mike might never emerge from the tomb that he helped to design.

Much like the show that inspired it, A Very Brady Christmas is painfully earnest and …. well, it’s a little dumb. Of course, the main appeal of The Brady Bunch was always the unapologetic mix of earnestness and stupidity but it’s a bit different when all the Brady kids are grown up and they’re still acting just as dumb as they did when they were younger. Robert Reed looks annoyed. Florence Henderson is trouper and gives it her all. With the notable exception of Maureen McCormick, none of the kids grew up to be particularly good actors. (In all fairness, Barry Williams is likable when he makes fun of himself but, in this film, he’s somewhat stiff as the most successful of the Brady kids.) That said, the family singing a Christmas carol while waiting to discover whether or not Mike is dead is one of those moments that is somehow both silly and effective at the same time. It’s pure Brady Bunch. To quote Tony Montana, it’s the yayo of nostalgia.

A Very Brady Christmas aired in 1988 and was enough of a rating success that it actually led to the Brady Bunch being (briefly) revived. Today, it’s impossible to watch the movie without imagining Gary Cole and Shelley Long as Mike and Carol Brady. Even the collapse of the building is no longer an effective dramatic moment due to it being referenced in The Brady Bunch Movie. When Mike does emerge from that collapsed building, you half expect him to say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the end, the Bradys have a merry Christmas. I hope you have one too!