Cool as Ice (1991, directed by David Kellog)

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

Johnny Van Owen (Robert “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle) is a rapper who travels across the country on his big yellow motorcycle, with his loyal crew traveling behind him. When one of the motorcycles is damaged, Johnny and the crew pull into a repair shop owned by Roscoe (Sidney Lassick) and Mae (Dody Goodman). Even though their repair shop looks like something out of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Mae says that Roscoe can fix anything.

Johnny says it’s all cool because he’s got his eye on Kathy Winslow (Kristin Minter), an honors student who is about to leave for college and who is dating Nick (John Haymes Newton). Johnny is so in love with Kathy that he rides his motorcycle in front of her while she’s riding a horse and she nearly breaks her neck as a result. Johnny doesn’t apologize because Johnny’s cool as ice. Instead, Johnny renames Kathy “Kat” and then takes one look at Nick and says, “Drop that zero and get yourself a hero.” Just to make sure there’s no confusion how Johnny feels about his romantic rival, he also calls Nick “Dick.” Later, Johnny performs a rap just for Kat and Kat agrees to go on a date with him to an abandoned construction site.

Kat’s father (Michael Gross) is in the witness protection program but, when he and Kathy appear on the news, he’s spotted by two gangsters who kidnap Kat’s younger brother. Kat’s father assumes that Johnny must be working with the gangsters so Johnny has to clear his name by defeating the gangsters and performing the rap to end all raps.

Cool As Ice was an attempt to update the old Elvis formula with infamous white rapper Vanilla Ice in the place of the King of Rock and Roll. The end result was a box office flop that hastened the demise of Vanilla Ice’s career. (At the same time the film came out, some journalists dug into Ice’s background and discovered that he wasn’t a gangster from Miami but instead he was a douchey ex-jock from Lake Highlands, Texas.) Even today, it’s still surprising to see what a terrible actor Vanilla Ice truly was. The role doesn’t demand that he do much, other than smirk and rhyme a few insults but Vanilla Ice wasn’t even up to successfully doing that. Most musicians at least have enough stage presence that they can get by onscreen, even if they don’t have a large amount of range. Vanilla Ice is a blank onscreen. It doesn’t do Vanilla Ice any favors that he’s surrounded by people who actually can act, like Michael Gross, Kristin Minter, and Sidney Lassick. Even John Haymes Newton, playing the stock bad boyfriend role, gives a better and more sympathetic performance than Vanilla Ice.

I went into this movie knowing that it would be bad but I had no way of preparing myself for just how bad it was. It’s almost so bad that it’s watchable, though for all the wrong reasons. Watching Vanilla Ice in this movie, I saw why grunge (and not poppy white boy rap) replaced hair metal as the 90s favorite music.

Book Review: Godzilla: The Official Guide To The King Of The Monsters by Graham Skipper

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Do you like Godzilla?

You better! Seriously, for over 60 years, Godzilla has been the rightful king of the monsters and not even a few less-than-perfect films have been able to knock him off of his throne. He started out as a symbol of the nuclear age, a prehistoric monster brought back to life by man’s arrogance and war-like nature. He eventually became mankind’s protector but then deciding that he no longer cared for mankind. And then, like many international stars, he ended up making movies for the American studios. It’s an epic story and it’s hard not to like the big monster at the center of it. If, for some reason, you don’t like Godzilla, maybe Graham Skipper’s new book, Godzilla: The Official Guide To The King of the Monsters, will change your mind.

Godzilla: The Official Guide To The King of the Monsters is exactly what the title says. It’s a guide to all of Godzilla’s adventures, from his first appearance in the 50s all the way through his animated films and the current American version. (Perhaps not surprisingly, the 1998 version of Godzilla is only afforded a few paragraphs.) Helpfully, Skipper divides his overview into ears, so you can see how Godzilla changed as he moved from studio to studio. Skipper also takes a look at Godzilla’s existence outside of the movies, as a comic book mainstay and an occasional television guest star. The book is written with a lot of obvious affection for Godzilla in all of his incarnations and reading it will remind you of why Godzilla’s films — yes, even Son of Godzilla — are so much fun to begin with. Skipper includes a lot of trivia, some of which was new to even me. Such as, did you know that Luigi Cozzi re-edited and colorized the original 1954 Gojira for a 1970s release in Italy?

The book is also heavily-illustrated, featuring a lot of shots from the films and behind-the-scenes pictures of Godzilla and all of his colleagues. As I read the book, it occurred to me that, as goofy as Jet Jaguar was, it’s still nice that Godzilla had a friend. As well, as I looked at the pictures, it occurred to me that, even in the later films when Godzilla had been transformed from a truly fearsome symbol of the nuclear age to a somewhat goofy rubber monster, there was still an undeniable majesty to him as a creation. Even at his worse, Godzilla still looks like a king.

I picked up a copy of this book on the day after Christmas and I’m glad I did. Not only does it celebrate Godzilla but it also provides me with a guide because, over the next 12 months, I hope to watch every Godzilla film that’s ever been made. (I’ve seen the majority but, as this book reminded me, there’s still a few that I missed.) For the record, I still think that Godzilla vs Destoroyah is the best of the Godzilla films but who knows? Maybe my mind will have been changed by December.

Humanity has survived a lot over the past few years and I’m happy to say that Godzilla has survived with us. Graham Skipper’s Godzilla helps to explain why.

Retro Television Reviews: Making of a Male Model (dir by Irving J. Moore)

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1983’s Making of a Male Model! It can be viewed on YouTube!

While visiting the set of an outdoor shoot in Nevada, high-powered modeling agent Kay Dillon (Joan Collins) spots a ranch hand named Tyler Burnett (Jon-Erik Hexum). Tyler is tall, athletic, handsome, and polite. When Kay asks Tyler if he’s ever modeled, Tyler scoffs at the idea. Him? A model? He’d rather stay in Nevada and work on the ranch. However, when the girl he likes turns him down because he doesn’t have any money, Tyler reconsiders Kay’s offer.

Before you can say Midnight Cowboy, Tyler is walking around Times Square while dressed like a cowboy. At first, Tyler is resistant to Kay’s suggestions on how to improve his look. He doesn’t want anyone messing with her ear or trimming his eyebrows. But, after a humiliating meeting with a photographer who tells him that he just doesn’t have the right look, Tyler agrees to let Kay turn him into a male model. Not only does she fix his look but she also takes him to bed.

Soon, Tyler is one of the country’s most well-known faces. He branches out into commercials, using his sex appeal to sell products to the men who want be him. And yet, Tyler still feels lost. He’s not sure if Kay actually loves him or if she’s just using him. Meanwhile, his roommate, Chuck Lanyard (Jeff Conaway), is a former model who is now hooked on drugs and who constantly warns Tyler that all models are washed up by the time they hit 35. Tyler becomes disillusioned with his life as a model but is he capable of giving up the fame and the money and returning to Nevada? Or is he destined to follow in Chuck’s footsteps and head down a path of drugs and self-destruction?

Welcome to the world of decadence, 80s style! Making of a Male Model is one of those films where the synthesizer-heavy soundtrack plays through every scene and the only thing more dramatic than the line readings is the hair and the shoulder pads. It’s all a bit silly, none more so that when Tyler and Kay go to a costume party. Kay dressed up like Cleopatra. Tyler wears a cowboy hat. One random extra wears an oversized headpiece with two gigantic eyes painted at either end. It’s not so much Studio 54 as much as it’s Studio 54 as imagined by someone who has heard of the place but never visited. It’s decadent but it’s never quite authentic. The film captures the joy of not only looking good but also knowing that you look good but it never captures the tedium that can go into being on a shoot. It’s a film about the reality of modeling that never bothers to get that real but so what? You don’t watch a film called Making of a Male Model because you’re looking for reality.

Joan Collins appears to be having fun in the role of Kay. John-Erik Hexum, who was a real-life model, gives a rather stiff performance in the role of Tyler. He looks good but he struggles whenever he has to show any emotion beyond being slightly annoyed. If anyone really stands out in the cast, it’s Jeff Conaway. Conaway brings a bit of genuine sadness to his role but you’ll guess what’s going to happen to Chuck long before it actually does. Finally, Kevin McCarthy (the actor, not the Congressman) plays one of Kay’s business rivals. He doesn’t get to do much but it’s always nice to see Kevin McCarthy playing yet another sophisticated but ruthless businessman.

In the end, the film doesn’t have anything surprising to say about the world of modeling and Tyler is never that interesting of a protagonist. However, there’s just enough 80s melodrama and 80s fashion to keep things watchable.

Catching Up With The Films of 2022: White Elephant (dir by Jesse V. Johnson)

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

White Elephant is not that bad. In fact, for a B-action movie it’s actually pretty good. If nothing else, it featured one of Michael Rooker’s best performances.

It’s important to start out this review by making that clear because I think a lot of people are going to be tempted to judge this film based solely on the fact that this was one of the last films that Bruce Willis made before his family announced that he would be retiring from acting due to health reasons. When the big story was published in the L.A. Times about Willis’s recent struggles and how those struggles led to him accepting countless roles in straight-to-video fare like American Siege, several people who worked on White Elephant were quoted, with many saying that Willis always did his best but that he was definitely not the Willis that they all remembered. The film’s director, action maestro Jesse V. Johnson, publicly stated that he would not make another film with Willis because “the arrangement felt wrong” and that Willis deserved a better end to his career.

And it must be said that Bruce is obviously not himself in White Elephant. As with many of his recent films, Bruce is cast as a villain in this piece. He’s a crime lord named Arnold and he spends the majority of his time taking meetings and giving order to his underlings. Eventually, he does pick up a gun and fire it but there’s very little of the cocky attitude and swaggering charisma that made Bruce Willis into a superstar. He still has the physical presence to play a tough guy. Bruce Willis still looks intimidating and the film uses him sparingly, never allowing us to spend too much time focusing on how different he seems from the Bruce Willis who starred in Die Hard and Pulp Fiction. One never gets the feeling that Bruce is being deliberately exploited in White Elephant, that alone sets it above some of the other recent films that have featured Willis. But, at the same time, Arnold is a fairly generic bad guy.

Fortunately, the majority of the film follows Michael Rooker in the role of a far more interesting criminal. Rooker plays Gabe Tancredi, a former Marine turned hitman. He’s about as ruthless as they come but he still has enough of a code of ethics that he realizes that he can’t kill a police officer named Vanessa (Olga Kurylenko), no matter how much Arnold wants her dead. Ordered to kill her, Gabe instead protects her, which leads to Arnold sending all of his men after them. It leads to several shootouts and explosions as Gabe puts his life at risk to finally do the right thing.

It’s a simple story but it’s told well. Jesse V. Johnson started out as a stuntman and he clearly knows his way around an action scene and the final shootout in genuinely exciting. The film is also helped by Michael Rooker, who brings a good deal of unexpected depth to the role of Gabe. Even though Rooker obviously knew that White Elephant was a B-movie, he still refuses to phone in a single minute of his performance and, instead, he turns Gabe into a surprisingly complex killer. Gabe’s relationships with his agent Glen (John Malkovich), his protegee Carlos (Vadhir Debrez), and Vanessa are all genuinely interesting. I especially liked the early scenes between Rooker and Debrez, in which the two actors wonderfully play off of each other and we get the feeling Carlos is almost like a son to Gabe. Of course, being genre savvy, we know that Carlos is eventually going to be assigned to take Gabe down but, because their friendship seemed so real, we find ourselves dreading that confrontation. White Elephant is a B-movie but, much like last year’s Corrective Measures and Gasoline Alley, it’s a B-movie with a heart.

What Lisa Marie and Megan Watched Last Night #225: Mommy’s Little Star (dir by Curtis Crawford)

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my sister Megan and I watched Mommy’s Little Star on the Lifetime Movie Network!

Why Were We Watching It?

For the past week and a half, I’ve been visiting my sister Megan and her family. This is kind of our holiday tradition. Everyone gets together for Christmas and then, from Christmas Day to New Year, Megan and I catch up and bond and talk about how we’re feeling about the past year and what we’re hoping to get out of the upcoming year. Plus, we watch a lot of TV and movies!

I’ve always loved watching movies with my family and I especially love Lifetime movies. (Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to watch as much Lifetime as usual this year.) So, when I saw that the Lifetime Movie Network was broadcasting something called Mommy’s Little Star, I literally fell on my knees and begged Megan to stay up and watch it with me.

What Was It About?

12 year-old Olivia (Maja Vujicic) thinks that she’s found a way bring her parents back together. She’ll become a social media star by posting dancing videos online. If she can get her mother, Lauren (Rebecca Amzallag), to appear in the videos with her, she’ll become an even bigger star and maybe even win a contest because people love to watch young influencers dance with their moms.

Lauren’s new boyfriend, Aiden (Roderick McNeil), offers to act as Olivia’s agent and to guide her to social media stardom. Olivia is excited but soon, she becomes so addicted to being popular online that she starts neglect her friends, her schoolwork, and her well-meaning but strict nanny. Meanwhile, Aiden is actually a con artist who is willing to go to any lengths, including murder!, to get what he wants.

What Worked?

I always enjoy a good Lifetime moral panic film. This film had the typical Lifetime plot of the handsome but sinister man who was trying to take a daughter away from her loving parents but, to that, it also added a fear that I imagine many parents have, the fear of what their children might be doing online. One thing that both Olivia’s mom and her father (played by David Lafontaine) had in common is that neither one of them was really sure what it was that Olivia was getting so excited about and watching them, I was reminded of my aunt’s reaction when I first tried to explain to her what Twitter was. The film suggested that all of the trouble that Olivia and her family go through is worth it because it encourages Olivia to eventually take a break from social media. It’s all rather silly and campy but that’s what makes Lifetime movies so much fun.

I really enjoyed Roderick McNeil’s performance as Aiden. He had the whole charming sociopath act down to perfection.

What Did Not Work?

The film missed an opportunity by not having Olivia herself turn evil in her attempts to win the big contest. Maybe Lifetime had already met their quota for murderous children by the time they got around to Mommy’s Little Star.

“OMG! Just like me!” Moments

Right after my parents divorced, I had a fantasy that lasted for about two years where they would both come to see me performing with the New York City Ballet and they would be so moved by my dancing that they would get back together. That never happened, of course, but still, I could relate to what Olivia was trying to do even if I didn’t quite agree with her methods.

Both Megan and I agreed that Rebecca Amzallag, who did a great job playing Olivia’s mother, looked just like our friend Lea so that was kind of neat. We spent a lot of the film asking ourselves, “Is that what Lea would do?”

Lessons Learned

Social media is evil!

Film Review: After Ever Happy (dir by Castille Landon)

Posted on December 25, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The fourth installment in the After franchise, After Ever Happy picks up where After We Fell ended.

The world’s most boring couple, Tessa Young (Josephine Langford) and Hardin Scott (Hero Fiennes Tiffin), are in London to attend Hardin’s mother’s latest wedding. Unfortunately, Christian Vance (Stephen Moyer) takes this opportunity to reveal that he is actually Hardin’s father which leads to Hardin storming off and grabbing a bottle of whiskey. If you’ve seen the previous three After films, then you know that’s a big problem because Hardin is a recovering alcoholic who turns into an asshole when he’s drunk. Of course, Hardin’s usually an asshole when he’s sober as well.

Because Tessa really doesn’t have any life beyond chasing after Harin and trying to keep him from being self-destructive, Tessa chases after him and tries to keep him from doing anything self-destructive. Unfortunately, since Harden’s already drunk, he decides that he might as well burn down his mother’s house and that’s exactly what Hardin does. In most movies, this would be treated as Hardin going off the deep end and as evidence that Tessa should get a thousand miles away from him. In the After films, every stupid, impulsive, and destructive thing that Hardin does is just an excuse for Tessa to comfort him by having soft-focus sex in a car. In the world of the After films, every toxic relationship is a Dior commercial.

Not now, Natalie!

Anyway, After Ever Happy pretty much follows the exact same pattern as the previous three films. After Tessa’s father dies, she moves to New York in order to heal and Hardin loses it. Hardin follows her to New York. Tessa takes him back. Hardin explodes over some trivial issue. Tessa forgives him. Tessa tries to do something for herself. Hardin gets mad. Tessa forgives him. Hardin tries to be a better person, which in this case means that he gives his scarf to an old homeless man whom Tessa has been giving food. (Tessa explains that giving the homeless man food makes her feel better about losing her dad, which is another way of saying that she’s only helping him to make herself feel good. If her Dad was still alive, the homeless man would probably end up freezing to death while Tessa and Hardin debated whether Fitzgerland was a better writer than Hemingway. Maybe one of those schmucks could try to help the old homeless man find shelter or something. That scarf’s only going to do so much.) Hardin turns his journals into a novel, which is somehow published. Tessa is angered that Hardin wrote about her without asking her permission and she leaves him. Hardin’s book is acclaimed, despite the fact that the excerpt we hear sound terrible. Hardin becomes an amateur boxer or something. I’m not really sure what was up with that scene. “To be continued….,” the title card announces, so maybe the next movie will feature more action in the ring.

A few questions sprang to mind as I watched After Ever Happy:

Why, after four movies, does Hardin still only have one facial expression?

See? Just one.

What was going on with Tessa’s hair during the second half of the movie?

Seriously, Tessa’s hair was one of the few things that she had going for her and this movie took that away from her.

Finally, how is it that, after four films, the lead performers still have next to zero romantic chemistry? You would think that, after three years of playing these people, Hero Fiennes Tiffin and Josephine Langford would at least have a little bit of a spark to their interactions but instead, they still come across as being friendly acquaintances as opposed to lovers. There’s nothing about their performances that suggest that they know each other in a way that only two people who are deeply in love could know each other. There’s none of the little details that one immediately spots between people who have shared trauma and found love. Instead, every emotion and thought is on the surface. There’s no depth to the relationship. Hardin is toxic and whiney. Tessa is the doormat that other doormats walk over.

Typically, with a film like this, critics will say that the cast does their best with the material they’ve been given but, in this case, everyone’s just as lousy as the material. Say what you will about the 50 Shades Films, at least Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson appeared to be having fun. The cast of After Ever Happy, from the stars on down, just seem to be hoping that it will soon all be over with.

Retro Television Reviews: Gidget’s Summer Reunion (dir by Bruce Bilson)

Posted on December 25, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1985’s Gidget’s Summer Reunion! It can be viewed on Tubi!

Back in the 1970s, when the rest of the country was worrying about political corruption, inflation, and an out-of-touch president with an embarrassing family, Gidget, Jeff, and their friends were carefree California teenagers who spent all of their time either hanging out on the beach or running into the ocean with a surfboard. It was a time when they had not a care in the world and, obviously, it couldn’t last forever.

Nearly 10 years later, Gidget (Caryn Richman) and Jeff (Dean Butler) are now married and their surfboards have been safely stored away in the garage. Jeff works as an architect and it’s obvious that his new boss, Anne (Mary Frann), wants to make their professional relationship into something personal. Gidget, meanwhile, owns her own travel agency and, apparently, it’s a success even though Gidget rarely seems to spend much time at the office. Gidget is hyperactive and a bit self-absorbed and, as such, she usually only shows up at work long enough to tell her employees about her latest problems before then running out of the office in an impulsive attempt to fix everything.

What problems do Gidget and Jeff have? Well, for one thing, they live in a giant house despite the fact that they’re nearly broke. They’re both workaholics and, as a result, they don’t spend as much time together as they used to. They got married and then they became strangers. It’s been years since they last went down to the beach. When Gidget’s niece, Kim (Allison Barron), wants to learn how to surf, it doesn’t even occur to her to ask her aunt or her uncle. Instead, she ends up hanging out with a sleazy, beer-drinking surfer named Mickey (Vincent Van Patten).

Fear not! Gidget has a plan! Jeff’s birthday is coming up and Gidget decides that it would be a great idea to use her travel agent powers to get the entire gang back together again. She wants to bring all of the old surfers back to help celebrate Jeff’s big day. The only problem is that the old gang isn’t entirely easy to find. Plus, one of Gidget’s tour guides has to drop out of leading a tour in Hawaii. Gidget is forced to go in his place. Can she get back from Hawaii in time to save Jeff from Anne and Kim from Mickey? And even more importantly, will she ever be able to track down the old gang? Will the movie end with a bunch of balding guys surfing while the Beach Boys play on the soundtrack? Can you guess the answer?

The best thing that can be said about Gidget’s Summer Reunion is that the beach looked nice and the Hawaii scenes reminded me of the wonderful summer that my family and I spent in Hawaii. And the film is correct when it points out that adulthood is never as easy as we expected it to be when we were teenagers. However, the film suffers from the fact that a lot of Gidget’s problems could have been solved by Gidget actually taking a few minutes to think before acting. It’s one thing to be free-spirited and impulsive. It’s another thing to totally lack common sense. For instance, Gidget and Jeff’s old surfboards are stolen out of the back of Gidget’s convertible and, while you can certainly feel bad for Gidget’s loss, you do have to wonder what she was expecting when she basically just left them out in the open, where anyone could get their hands on them. Jeff isn’t off the hook either, as it was pretty much obvious to everyone but him that Anne was trying to get him to cheat on his wife. Gidget and Jeff are a cute couple but they don’t seem to have a brain cell between them.

Oh well. At least the beach looked nice!

Holiday Film Review: I Believe In Santa Claus (dir by Christian Gion)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Santa Claus vs. Joseph Kony!

That’s one way to describe this rather odd French film from 1984. It’s not entirely accurate, of course. Though this film does feature an African warlord who appears to use child soldiers, it was made long before Joseph Kony came to prominence. (Speaking of which, whatever happened to Kony? Ten years ago, everyone was a Joseph Kony expert and now, he’s rarely mentioned by anyone. It’s almost as if people moved on once they realized it wouldn’t be as easy to stop Kony as the YouTube video made them think it would be.) Add to that, Joseph Kony was active in Uganda whereas this film features Santa and the Good Fairy heading to Senegal.

The scenes of Santa (played by Armand Meffre) and the Good Fairy (Karen Cheryl) getting chased by an alligator and being held hostage by the Konyesque warlord actually were filmed in Senegal. Of course, as befits as film about Santa, the movie takes place all over the world.

It begins in France, where young Simon (Emeric Chapius) is upset because his parents, who are in the diplomatic corps, went to Senegal and promptly vanished. He’s even more upset when he learns that they’ve been taken hostage and they probably won’t be home for Christmas. Simon is obviously not having a good holiday but no one at his school seems to care. The maintenance man (Dominique Hulin) throws paste at him and Simon’s teacher (played by Karen Cheryl) won’t stop singing songs about stopping all the crying. Even though the film was made in France and most of the dialogue is badly dubbed, the songs are sung in English because the film itself was expected to be a big hit in America.

During a field strip, Simon and his friend, Elodie (Alexia Haudot) board a plane for Finland because, as everyone knows, Santa lives in Finland. Simon’s hope is that he can convince Santa to bring his family home for Christmas. Amazingly, upon landing in Finland, Simon and Elodie simply walk out of the airport and stumble through some snow until Santa shows up with his sleigh. Santa takes them back to his workshop, where the children meets the Good Fairy and also listen to a bunch of non-union elves bitch about how hard they have to work all year.

(Boo hoo! Get those toys made, Winky!)

Santa and the Good Fairy decide to head to Senegal so that they can rescue Simon’s parents. Fortunately, the Good Fairy has a wand that she can use to transport anyone to anywhere instantly. Unfortunately, she loses the wand in Senegal and, unless she can get it back, Santa’s not going to be able to make his Christmas deliveries. Santa also ends up getting chased by an alligator at one point because apparently, alligators don’t celebrate the holidays.

While this is going on, Simon and Elodie are abducted by the Ogre (played by Dominique Hulin) who lives in the woods near Santa’s workshop. The Ogre makes plans to eat them and Santa’s puppy….

This is a sincerely messed up Christmas film.

That said, messed up or not, it’ll make you laugh. It may not make you laugh in the way that the filmmakers intended but seriously, how can you not smile at a alligator trying to eat Santa? There are just so many weird tonal shifts in this film that it becomes rather fascinating to keep track of them all. It starts out as a typical children’s Christmas fantasy and suddenly, with just one wave of a wand, Santa and the Good Fairy are dealing with civil war and child soldiers. It’s hard to know who this film was made for. Children who still believe in Santa will be totally traumatized by the Ogre threatening to eat the children. Adults will wonder why no one in France appears to be concerned that two unaccompanied children have snuck off to Finland in the middle of winter. It’s a very strange film and, as a result, it’s also far more entertaining than it has any right to be.

You can find it on Tubi.

Holiday Film Review: Christmas Twister (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2012 film, Christmas Twister, is about an outbreak of tornadoes that hit Fort Worth two days before Christmas. We’re told that, normally, there aren’t any tornadoes in December but that’s been changing due to …. wait for it …. climate change! Now, with tornado after tornado hitting Granbury, Fort Worth, Lake Worth, Stephenville, Dublin, and a lot of towns in Texas, Casper Van Dein is on a mission to save his family and make sure that everyone knows that the threat of tornadoes is real!

Because, you know, if there’s anything that Texas is famous for, it’s for blowing off the threat of tornadoes….

There’s an actual scene in Christmas Twister in which Victoria Pratt, playing a TV newswoman who is married to Van Dien, tries to convince her station manager to allow her to interrupt regular programming to announce that there might be a tornado on the way. That station manager says that interrupting programming could cause a panic and, since there’s already been three tornadoes that day, people are probably tired of hearing about them. As a result, no one leaves the mall when the tornadoes hit.

Of course, anyone who lives in North Texas knows that there’s little that our local stations enjoy more than interrupting regular programming to talk about the weather. Seriously, our meteorologists live for the chance to get on TV, talk about the storm systems that they’re watching, and tell everyone that, “You don’t need to be out in this, folks.” Our local stations would happily interrupt the President himself if a wall cloud appeared anywhere near I-35.

Biden: “I was wearing an onion on my belt, as was the style at the time….”

Dallas anchorman Steve Eagar: “Folks, we’re interrupting the State of the Union address to keep you informed about a storm system that we’ve been watching….”

It doesn’t even have to be a tornado for our newspeople to interrupt regularly scheduled programming. It can just be hail. It could just a hint of snow. You know that King of the Hill episode where it barely snows and Hank announces, “Texas isn’t ready for this!” Well, that’s pretty close to reality….

And, to be honest, I imagine that’s the way it is in the rest of country as well. The only that changes is the type of weather even that everyone worries about. The idea of Texas newspeople not reporting on a tornado threat would be like a Fort Worth weatherman refusing to talk about a hurricane or maybe a New York meteorologist deciding that it would be best not to report on a blizzard. Imagine a California station manager saying, “People don’t want to hear about the earthquake.” It just wouldn’t happen.

The other thing that I noticed about Christmas Twister is that, for a film that was supposedly taking place in North Texas, there sure were a lot of mountains around. As far as DFW is concerned, we don’t have mountains. I guess if you really went out and searched, you might find a very small hill somewhere but I can guarantee you it would be a manmade hill. This region is called the flatlands for a reason. North Texas is flat. That’s actually one of our trademarks. The land seems to stretch on forever.

However, in Christmas Twister, this is what the area outside of Forth Worth looks like:

This is what Granbury looks like right before the tornado hits:

This is what Granbury looks immediately after the tornado hits:

Yes, the film is not entirely accurate. But, on the plus side, Casper Van Dien manfully drives across the city, saving his children from the tornado and encouraging folks to stay inside. Plus, the film features a perfect shot that shows that the filmmakers did understand at least one thing about Texas:

Yep, the flag of Texas and the flag of some other country. Not even a tornado could take it down!

Holiday Film Review: Christmas Apparition (dir by Colleen Griffen)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Do you have a home to go to this Christmas?

Well, then you’re a lot luckier than Emma Ashburg (Katie O. Jones), the main character of the 2018 film, Christmas Apparition!

(For the record, 2018 is the release date that is listed on the IMDb and on Tubi. From what I’ve read, the film was actually released in 2013 and its original title was The Cold and the Quiet. Apparently. the film was re-released in 2018, under a different title. As was also pointed out on the Dark Eyes of London blog, Christmas Apparition is a considerably more generic name but I can understand why the distributors went with it. Everyone loves Christmas movies but they don’t necessarily love movies about the cold and the quiet.)

Emma is a college student. The holidays are approaching and she thought that she would be able to spend them in her dorm. However, at the last minute, she’s informed by her RA that everyone has to leave the dorms because there’s a problem with the dorm’s heating system. I can relate. During my first semester of college, I lived in a dorm that didn’t have air conditioning! Luckily, we did have a ceiling fan but seriously, when it gets hot in Texas, a fan isn’t going to do you much good. My roommate and I always kept the windows open and spent as much time undressed as possible. However, that’s not really an option for Emma and, even if it was, it would probably lead to hypothermia.

As a phone call to her mom quickly establishes, going home for Christmas is not an option either. Even though Emma’s mother demands that Emma spend the holidays with her, Emma lies and says that she has somewhere to stay. Emma’s phone call is overheard by Trish (Ellen Lancaster), a wealthy woman who tells Emma that she needs someone to watch her children while she goes on her annual holiday vacation. The good news is that Emma would have a place to stay. The bad news is that Emma would have to look after Trish’s kids. However, Emma doesn’t have much of a choice so she accepts the offer.

Trish, who is apparently really eager to get away from it all, leaves the house before Emma even arrives. Emma meets Trish’s two children and she immediately starts to understand why Trish wanted to get away. Chrissy (Maura Chapelle) is a 17 year-old brat who spends all of her time on the phone and who tells Emma to stay away from her. Chrissy’s younger brother, William (Matthew Chapelle), draws compulsively but never speaks. Upon entering her bedroom, Emma discovers that someone has left a dead rat on her pillow. It’s going to be a long holiday and that’s not even considering the fact that the house itself appears to be haunted! Soon, Emma is popping handfuls of pills, having bizarre visions, and wondering why Trish never calls her back.

There’s a lot about Christmas Apparition that doesn’t make sense. The film’s final few minutes are so muddled that I’m still not really sure what was actually going on with the house or Emma. Usually, this would be a huge issue but Christmas Apparition is a horror film so it can get away with not always making sense. What the film lacks in plot coherence, it makes up for in atmosphere. The house is genuinely creepy and Katie O. Jones is a sympathetic lead. It’s a creepy film that will make you thankful that you have some place to spend the holidays.