Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #21: Haunted Mission Adventure (1987, Agency Automation)

Posted on October 28, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

For my next horrific adventure in the Internet Archive, I played Haunted Mission Adventure (1987, Agency Automation).

Everyone loves the Blairs’ annual Halloween party. However, this year, the Pumpkin Man has been kidnapped by the evil Lady Windsloe. According to the game’s introduction, Pumpkin Man is world-famous and beloved by children and adults. Maybe he is somehow related the Great Pumpkin.

This text-based game is simple and I think anyone who is in the mood for a retro horror game will enjoy it. You move around the neighborhood, searching for clues and trying to not get captured by monsters. One thing I liked about this game was that it was not hard to find the tools that I needed. At one point, I went south and I was told that I was in a lumberyard and that I saw a “stake.” Figuring that there would be vampires around, I grabbed it. Two turns later and I was suddenly in an occultists shop and I was told that I saw “spirit neutralizer.” Again, that sounded like something I needed.

Of course, neither one did me any good when I ran into the Moss Man.

That did not go well.

Haunted Mission Adventure is simple and fun. I have yet to find The Pumpkin Man but I won’t give up until he makes it to the Blair Party.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #20: Countdown to Doom (1987, Topologika Software Ltd.)

Posted on October 28, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

For my next adventure in the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Countdown to Doom (1987, Topologika Software Ltd.).

Man, this game is tough!

You have just crashed your spaceship on a mysterious planet called Doom. You have 400 turns in order to find the spare parts necessary to repair your spaceship. To do that, you will have to figure out how to get out of your spaceship. Assuming you survive the escape, you will have to explore the planet and find everything that you need.

The best thing about Countdown to Doom is that it is really well-written. The descriptions are so detailed that you will feel like you are actually on the planet. The bad thing is that you only have 400 turns so if you spend too much time exploring, your ship will collapse and you will be forever trapped.

This is a challenging game because if you make one mistake, you will die. For me, the most humiliating moment was when I tried to pull the door of the spaceship and it fell on me.

Next time, I tried push door and I had better results.

Countdown to Doom is one of the best games that I’ve found in the Internet Archive. It may be difficult but it is not impossible. There is also a walkthrough but, for best results, suck it up and figure it out for yourself. It will be worth it.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #19: Shenanigans (1984, Mark Data Productions)

Posted on October 28, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

For my next trip through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Shenanigans (1984, Mark Dice Productions.)

In Shenanigans, your goal is to track down a leprechaun’s pot of gold. You really need the money. Just look at where you are living:

Everything in Shenanigans is a puzzle and that includes getting out of your apartment. Directly outside your bedroom door, your landlord is waiting. He wants the rent that you own him. I typed “hit landlord” several times but the game does not understand the hit command.

The only way to get by the landlord is to pay him. The money is in the room but it is not easy to find. Hint: look at everything more than once.

If you ever get out of the apartment, you can wander around the city. Be careful because it is surprisingly easy to die in this game. For example, you might run into muggers. If you remember to search everything, you will have an item that will save your life. If you miss something, you will die.

Assuming you survive, you will find a bar.

Make sure you order the right beer or you might die. If you do order the right beer, you can find a subway that will take you to this magical place:

Solving the puzzles in Shenanigans can be rewarding but the gameplay can sometimes be frustrating. Not only is it extremely easy to mess up but, like many games from the 80s, the game’s vocabulary is limited. I spent a lot of time playing “guess the verb.” Fortunately, there is a walkthrough available. Without it, I would have died even more times than I did.

A Movie A Day #292: The Bride (1985, directed by Franc Roddam)

Posted on October 27, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

The Bride opens where most films about Frankenstein and his monster end.

The Baron (played by fucking Sting, of all people) has agreed to create a bride for his creation, who in this movie is named Viktor and played by Clancy Brown. Jennifer Beals plays the Bride, who is named Eva. Eva looks like a normal, beautiful wielder-turned-dancer so when she first sees Viktor, she screams. Viktor gets upset and starts to trash the laboratory. “Don’t be impertinent!’ snaps the Baron’s assistant (Quentin Crisp). A fire breaks out. Quentin Crisp dies and so does another assistant played by Timothy Spall. The monster escapes. The Baron takes Eva into his household. The Baron is obsessed with controlling Eva, who wants her independence and who has fallen in love with Cary Elwes. When Eva sees a cat, she screams. “You never told me about cats,” she tells the Baron, “I thought it was a tiny lion!”

The rest of the movie is a bewildering collection of cameos from respected thespians forced to recite some of the worst dialogue in film history. Viktor befriends Rinaldo the dwarf (David Rappaport), who tells Viktor about how much he dreams of one day seeing Venice. After Rinaldo is murdered by Alexei Sayle, Viktor swears that he will go to Venice and he will take Eva with him.

(Timothy Spall, Quentin Crisp, and Alexei Sayle are not the only British performers to be strangely miscast in The Bride. Keep an eye out for Phil Daniels, Ken Campbell, and Tony Haygarth, all wasted in small roles.)

The Bride attempts to put a revisionist, feminist spin on the story of Frankenstein but it ultimately just looks like a two hour Duran Duran video, with a guest vocals provided by Sting. The scenes with Clancy Brown and David Rappaport work but otherwise, every important role is miscast. Jennifer Beals is monotonous as the Bride and Sting never comes close to suggesting that he is capable of the type of mad genius that would be necessary to create life. When it comes to the Bride of Frankenstein, stick with the original.

One final note: Both Sting and Phil Daniels also appeared in a much better film from Franc Roddam, Quadrophenia. I recommend seeing Quadrophenia almost as much as I recommend forgetting about The Bride.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #18: Daleks (1985)

Posted on October 27, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

For my next adventure in the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Daleks (1985).

I’m the Doctor!? It’s about time! And I’m battling the Daleks?

It’s time to let those dogmatic salt and pepper shakers know who’s the boss! Press any key to continue? Just try to stop me!

Those do not look like Daleks. I guess that stick figure is me, the Doctor.

The game itself is simple. Every time that The Doctor moves, the Daleks move:

If a Dalek touches you, the game is over. The only way to eliminate a Dalek is to get it to run into another Dalek. It is not easy but it can be done, as my high score of 30 attests. It took me a while to get over my disappointment that the Daleks in the game did not say “Exterminate!” but if you can overlook that, Daleks is an addictive and challenging game.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures in The Internet Archive #17: Uninvited (1986, ICOM Simulations, Inc)

Posted on October 27, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Continuing my journey through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Uninvited (1986, ICOM Simulations, Inc.).

At the start of Uninvited, you are driving down an isolated road when something darts out in front of you. You swerve to avoid it and crash your car. When you regain consciousness, you discover that your younger brother, who was in the passenger’s seat, has disappeared. Did he go for help or has something else happened?

Maybe it has something to do with the mansion that is looming in front of your car.

You can search for your brother in the house. In fact, that is the only option that is available to you. There are a lot of rooms to explore but be careful. There are also ghosts, zombies, and other things that you do not want to run into. On the plus side, the game will usually warn you before you go into the wrong room. On the negative side, sometimes it won’t and this will happen:

Though Uninvited‘s point-and-click system can seem clunky by today’s standards, I enjoyed playing it. I haven’t found my brother, yet, but I am sure he is out there somewhere.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #16: Scapeghost (1989, Level 9)

Posted on October 26, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Continuing my journey through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Scapeghost (1989, Level 9).

Scapeghost is a blast.

At one time, you were Alan Chase, a narcotics detective who was on the verge of a big bust. Then you and your partner, Sarah, were ambushed by the dealers. Sarah was kidnapped. You died. When you returned as a ghost, you got to attend your own funeral. That is when you found out that Sarah was still missing and that everyone blamed you for getting killed.

Why was your spirit still in the mortal plane? Was it so you could save Sarah and clear your name?

You have three days to get the job done.

Scapeghost is a text adventure, with optional graphics. Strangely, the game is written in the first person. For instance, type “go north” and the game will respond with something like, “I headed north.” At first, it’s awkward but it doesn’t take too long to get used to it. The puzzles are challenging but not impossible and there’s a lot of fun to be had in haunting people. (You get extra points every time you scare a certain character.)

The best thing about Scapeghost? Once the drug dealers figure out that you’ve come back from the dead, they bring in a priest to perform an exorcism! Don’t worry, though. Just leave your grave before he finishes the ceremony and you will still be able to save Sarah and clear your name.

One final note: Scapeghost was the last text adventure to be published by Level 7. They went out on a high note.

A Movie A Day #291: Pale Blood (1990, directed by V.V. Dachin Hsu and Michael W. Leighton)

Posted on October 26, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Someone is murdering women in Los Angeles and draining them of their blood. A mysterious detective named Michael Fury (George Chakiris) arrives from London and starts to investigate. Fury is a vampire but he is a thoroughly modern vampire. He even has his own special travel coffin that he takes with him on trips. To help him with his investigation, he hires a researcher named Lori (Pamela Ludwig). Lori is convinced that the killings are being committed by a real vampire but Michael believes that they are actually the work of a human who is only pretending to be one of the undead. Michael is worried that this fake vampire will make real vampires look bad. Meanwhile, a crazy photographer (Wings Hauser) stalks Michael, determined to capture a vampire of his very own.

Pale Blood went straight-to-video and does not have the budget to match its ambitions but it is still a fairly good, if overlooked, vampire movie. George Chakiris, who is best known for his role in West Side Story, had the right look to play a brooding vampire and he and Pamela Ludwig made a good team. Not surprisingly, the best thing about Pale Blood was Wings Hauser. In this movie, Wings Hauser gave a performance that was demented even by the standards of Wings Haauser. Hauser is so crazy in this movie that Pale Blood sets the standard by which all other crazy Wing Hauser performances must be judged.

One final note: the vhs cover art, which is pictured above, features a shot of Wings Hauser that was apparently lifted from a different movie.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #15: Ghostbusters — Basic Training (1987, Activision)

Posted on October 26, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Who wouldn’t want to be a member of the Ghostbusters? (No, not the new version. I’m talking about the version with Venkman and Ray and Egon.) I got a chance to try when, while exploring the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Ghostbusters — Basic Training (1987, Activision, Inc.).

Unfortunately, it turns out that catching ghosts is far more difficult than I originally assumed.

This is what the game starts with. A night in a haunted house? No problem, I can do that standing on my head. I pressed return.

There’s the familiar logo! I pressed return again.

Good. I’m in front of the house. Let’s get started with the training. From my own experience playing text adventures, I know that the first thing I should do is check my inventory.

A text adventure that does not understand one of the most basic commands in interactive fiction? That seems strange but I’ll adjust. Since the description of my location disappeared when I typed in inventory, I’ll take another look around.

“Look,” I type.

An adventure game that doesn’t know the look command? I search my memory and try to remember the directions that were previously listed. The house was to the northwest.

“NW” I type.

“Northwest”

What? Maybe I got the directions wrong.

“North”

“South.”

“East.”

“West.”

“Go house.”

“Go porch.”

“Annoyed.”

“Rage”

You get the idea. Because the game and I are speaking different languages, I have yet to actually enter the house and get trained. I haven’t even managed to step on the porch yet.

I’m never going to be a Ghostbuster.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #14: Terror in Christmas Town (1995)

Posted on October 26, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

For my latest journey through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Terror In Christmas Town (1995).

In Terror in Christmas Town, you are on a mission. A magic elf has been kidnapped by an evil demon and is being held prisoner in a castle. You must rescue the elf. It’s a typical first person shooter.

Does this look familiar? Is anyone else getting a Wolfenstein/Doom feel yet?

Using the arrow keys, I start to explore the game. This sure is reminding me of Wolfenstein 3D. Remember how exciting it was the first time that you managed to kill Hitler in that game? That was so cool and … oh hey, who is that ahead of me? Maybe this friendly polar bear will show me how to break into the castle.

Excuse me, Mr. Polar Bear?

Bad idea.

Just as Wolfenstein has Nazis and Doom has demons, Terror in Christmas Town has mutant polar bears and they are definitely not your friend. I do not know if that snowman in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen was meant to literally be me but I do know that, every time I got hit by the polar bear, the snowman melted a little. Once Frosty has been reduced to a puddle and a hat, the game ended.

As with all games, there is a learning curve here. The curve is even steeper when you’re playing the instructionless version that has been uploaded to the internet archive. Once you figure out how to actually draw and fire your gun, the game gets a lot easier. I like the holiday theme but the game mostly just made me want to play Wolfenstein again.