Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week is all about love and punishment!

Episode 2.13 “A Love Story”

(Dir by James Komack & Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on December 30th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Pete and Aunt Priscilla and how they won “a lot of money in the sweepstakes.”

In class, Gabe is teaching about the Spanish-American War when Freddie comes in doing the “She Loves Me/She Loves Me Not” routine with a daisy.  Freddie is followed by a new student named Carmen (Lisa Mordente), who hands Gabe a note.

“Dear Mr. Kotter,” it reads, “please excuse my daughter’s violent temper.  Don’t get her mad and she won’t have to deck you.  Signed, Epstein’s Sister’s Mother.”

That’s right, Carmen is Epstein’s sister!  When Epstein says, “What’s my baby sister doing in this class!?,” Carmen attacks him and throws him on top of Gabe’s desk.

After Gabe seperates the siblings, he introduces her to the class.  Epstein can only watch in horror as Barbarino says, “You really filled out,” and Horshack says, “I want you have your children.”

Fortunately, the bell rings and school ends.  Horshack stays after class to tell Kotter that he’s now in love with Carmen Epstein.  Gabe encorages him to have confidence and ask out anyone that he wants to ask out.

Meanwhile, Epstein goes to the principal’s office with Carmen so that he can ask his best friend, Principal Lazarus, to transfer Carmen out of the Sweathogs.  While Epstein talks to Lazarus, Horshack enters the office and approaches Carmen.  When Horshack sees that Carmen is carrying a trumpet, Horshack says that he love the trumpet.  Carmen plays a terrible version of Three Blind Mice for him.  Horshack asks Carmen to go out with him but Barbarino walks into the office and asks Carmen to come with him.  As anyone would, Carmen abandons Horshack for Barbarino.  “I might even let you ask me out on Saturday,” Barbarino tells Carmen.  Awwwwwww!  Barbrino!

Gabe steps into the office and, as Horshack tells Gabe about what happened, Freddie steps into the room and reads a poem that he’s written for his new love.  Epstein comes out of Lazarus’s office at the same time that Woodman is coming out of his office.  Epstein warns Woodman that Lazarus doesn’t like him.  This leads to a vintage Woodman meltdown as he points out that not only is his office smaller than Lazarus’s but his American flag only has 13 stars.  “I’m plotting a mutiny,” Woodman says, “You can join, Kotter!”  As Woodman plots to take over the school, Freddie mentions that he saw Barbarino heading down to the boardwalk with Carmen.  Epstein announces that he’s going to kill Barbarino.

In the very next scene, Epstein has been chained to a locker and Horshack is still talking about how he just wants to devote his life to Carmen.  Freddie suggests that maybe Epstein should give Horshack his blessings to date Carmen to keep Carmen away from Barbarino.  Epstein agrees because he figures that Horshack won’t “try anything” with his sister.  However, as soon as Horshack starts to rehearse what he’s going to say to Carmen, Epstein starts to shout, “STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!  STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!”

The next day, in class, Gabe announces that they’re going to use the last few minutes of class to talk about love.  He asks Vinny to explain what love means to him.

“Love,” Barbarino says, “mean never having to hear I’m pregnant.”

Epstein flies into a rage telling Barbarino to stop hitting on Carmen.  Barbarino replies, “I’ve got a disease!”  No, not that type of disease.  It’s a disaease that Barbarino calls “Girlitis” and it requires him to hit on every girl he sees.  Horshack then starts yelling at Barbarino, saying that Barbarino that he has no idea what it’s like to be alone.  Carmen announces that Horshack has guts and “I like a man with guts!”  Carmen then shows that she can take care of herself by beating up her brother.

Horshack literally picks up Carmen in his arms and announces that he wants to show her his shell collection under the boardwalk.

“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, ARNOLD!” Epstein yells.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that Carmen Epstein has transferred out of his class.  Oh, okay.  I guess that takes care of that plotline.  Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time his sister Eileen lost a tooth and figured out that Gabe was the tooth fairy.

This is another one of those episodes that worked because it largely focused on how the four main Sweathogs related to each other.  Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and John Travolta all had a tremendous amount of chemistry and it’s always fun to watch them play off of each other.  Ron Palillo occasionally went bit overboard but, with a character like Horshack, I imagine it was probably impossible not to.  That said, Palillo more than held his own in this episode and his awkward flirting with Carmen was actually rather sweet.  I still would have gone for Barbarino.

Episode 2.14 “Caruso’s Way”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was an inventor and who invented a deodorant called Invisible because, when it was worn, no one would want to acknowledge you.  This leads to usual pity laughs from Julie.

At school, Gabe tries to teach about the War of 1812.  (“When did it start?” Horshack asks.)  Gabe notices that Barbarino is not in class and asks if anyone has seen him.  Epstein says that Barbarino was fooling around in gym class and doing his “Ba-Baa-Baaa-Barbarino” dance and Coach Caruso ordered him to stay after class.

When Barbarino finally arrives at Gabe’s class, everyone wants to know what happened but a visibly shaken Barbarino insists that nothing happened and asks Gabe to resume teaching about the War of 1812.  (Even Gabe is shocked.)  When Epstein says he’d rather here about the “war between Vinny and Caruso,” Gabe announces that it’s Barbarino’s business and they’re not going to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso.

On cue, Woodman enters the classroom and he says that he needs to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso.  Woodman says that he’s hearing rumors that Caruso hit Barbarino in front of the Girls Gym Class.  “There are rules againt hitting students, even Sweathogs,” Woodman says, “I don’t know why.”  Barbarino denies that Caruso hit him and Woodman leaves.

However, after the bell rings, Barbarino tells Gabe, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack that Caruso did hit him but that he’s got a plan to get revenge but he can’t reveal it.  Gabe suggests that Barbarino “cool down about it” before doing anything foolish.

Later, Barbarino drops in on Gabe and Julie at their apartment and you can literally see Julie (or maybe just Marcia Strassman) light up at the idea of sharing a scene with John Travolta as opposed to just with Gabe Kaplan.

Barbarino asks them if they watched the news and if they saw any reports on what happened between him and Caruso.  Gabe jokes that they broke into “Bowling for Dentures” to report on it.  “Really?” Barbarino asks.  Awwwwwwww!  Poor Barbarino!

Gabe and Julie try to dissuade Barbarino from hitting Caruso back.  Barbarino says that he’s thinking of borrowing his uncle’s cement truck and using it to drive over Caruso.  Gabe tells Barbarino a story about what happened when Gabe’s friend Bonzo Moretti was slapped by Caruso.  Bonzo went to his parents but Barbarino says that telling his parents would just lead to his mother praying for something bad to happen to Caruso.  After suggesting that Julie stock the kitchen with Danish and root beer for anyone who might drop by, Barbarino leaves.

The next day, Gabe talks to Woodman and asks Woodman would he would do if “two of your teachers had a confrontation.”

“Fire you,” Woodman replies.

Coach Caruso (played by veteran tough guy actor, Scott Brady) steps into Gabe’s classroom and, after Woodman leaves, they discuss the Barbarino situation.  In a very well-acted scene (seriously, this episode features Gabe Kaplan at his most sincere), Gabe tells Caruso that, when he was a student, it bothered him when he heard about Caruso hitting kids.  “Now that I’m a teacher, it bothers me even more.”  Gabe explains that Caruso took away Barbarino’s pride and asks Caruso to apologize to him.  Caruso refuses, saying that he his own pride to think of. Gabe convinces Caruso to come back to the classroom in the afternoon, so that Barbarino can apologize to him and Caruso can apologize back and they can both retain their pride.

However, when Caruso shows up in class and Barbarino apologizes, Caruso refuses to return the apology.  (What a jerk!)  Instead, Caruso challenges Barbarino to an arm wrestling contest.

“How macho!” Horshack exclaims.

Barbarino wins the arm wrestling contest!  Yay!  Caruso warmly congratulates Barbarino and leaves.  In the hallways, Caruso confesses to letting Barbarino beat him.  “When you went to school here,” Caruso says, “I taught you.  Today, you taught me.”  Awwwwwwww!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the time his Uncle Moe went to Miami Beach and jumped into a pool that he had been told was lukewarm, just to discover it was freezing.  “How could you say that water was lukewarm!?” Moe demanded of another vacatinor.  “I don’t know, look warm to me .”

This was a great episode, featuring the young John Travolta at his sensitive best and also giving Gabe Kaplan a chance to show off that he actually could act.  Barbarino regained his pride, Coach Caruso learned how to be a better teacher, and Woodman continued to be Woodman.

Next week: Gabe’s father visits!