Monthly Archives: December 2022

Holiday Film Review: Die Hard (dir by John McTiernan)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

And, in an alternative universe, it was a Frank Sinatra movie.

Released into theaters in 1988, Die Hard was based on a novel called Nothing Lasts Forever.  Nothing Lasts Forever told roughly the same story as Die Hard, with one of the big exceptions being that the cop fighting the terrorists was not the youngish and quippy John McClane but instead was a weary, aging and retired detective named Joe Leland.  Leland previously appeared in another novel called The Detective.  In 1968, The Detective was turned into a film and the role of Leland was played by Frank Sinatra.  As a part of his contract, Sinatra had the right to play Leland in any sequels to The Detective.  When Die Hard was in pre-production, Sinatra could have demanded that the film be a Joe Leland film and that he be allowed to star in it.  Fortunately, Sinatra did not do that and Joe Leland was instead transformed into John McClane.  And, after the role was was turned down by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Don Johnson, Harrison Ford, Burt Reynolds, Paul Newman, James Caan, Al Pacino, and Richard Dean Anderson, popular television actor Bruce Willis finally received the role.

Seriously, just consider that.  Bruce Willis was not only not the first choice for John McClane but even Richard Dean Anderson was offered the role before the filmmakers finally went with Willis.  It’s hard to imagine anyone else starring in Die Hard because, to most of us, Bruce Willis is John McClane.  Growing up and watching Die Hard on television every Christmas, it was very easy to assume that Willis probably spent all of his spare time fighting terrorists and coming up with snarky quips.  Definitely, it’s difficult to imagine Stallone and Schwarzenegger in the role.  What made McClane such a compelling hero was that he wasn’t superhuman.  He was just a blue collar guy who hurt his feet, got tired, and had his moments of frustration just like everyone else.  He was the relatable action hero.  It didn’t matter how many stories that one heard about Bruce Willis having an ego or occasionally being difficult to work with.  Bruce Willis was John McClane and, after everything that McClane had been though, he had every right to occasionally be difficult.

You’ll notice that I haven’t really discussed the plot of Die Hard because …. well, everyone knows that plot.  I mean, this is one of those films that has such a permanent place in pop cultural history that even people who somehow haven’t seen the film still know what it’s about.  John McClane is an NYPD cop who flies to Los Angeles to see his estranged wife, Holly, for Christmas.  Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) works for the Nakatomi Corporation.  During the company’s Christmas party, terrorists led by Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) take over the skyscraper.  The terrorists claim to be politically-motivated but, actually, they just want to break into the building’s vault and make off with a lot of money.  McClane makes his way through the unfinished skyscraper, killing the terrorists one-by-one.  He only has two allies.  Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson) is an LAPD sergeant who is outside the building and who communicates with McClane via radio.  Argyle (De’Veroux White) is the friendly limo driver who spends almost the entire siege oblivious in the parking garage.  (The first time I ever watched Die Hard, I was so worried something bad would happen to Argyle.)

McClane has a lot of enemies and not all of them are terrorists.  The Deputy Chief of the LAPD (Paul Gleason) thinks that McClane is making the situation worse.  Two FBI agent, both named Johnson (and played by Robert Davi and Grand L. Bush), seem to view the entire siege as being a game with the older Johnson talking about how much it reminds him of Vietnam.  A reporter (William Atherton) makes the situation worse with his on-the-spot reports.  Meanwhile, there’s Harry Ellis (Hart Bochner).  A coke-addled executive, Ellis actually thinks that he’s helping McClane by trying to negotiate with Gruber.  I know that some people can’t stand Ellis but I always feel sorry for him.  In his way, he was trying to help and you could tell that he was so proud of himself for not telling Gruber that McClane was in Los Angeles to see Holly.

Needless to say, there’s a lot of action in Die Hard.  A lot of people die.  One thing that I appreciate the movie is that the bad guys get as upset over their friends and family being killed as McClane gets over Holly being threatening.  No one in the film is one-dimensional and even the bad guys have their own distinct personalities.  Theo (Clarence Gilyard) gets so excited about the idea of opening the vault that you can’t help but relate.  Karl (Alexander Godonuv) appears to be nearly indestructible.  Hans Gruber may be totally evil but he has a quick wit and there’s something intriguing about how confident he is.  Alan Rickman, famously, was not happy that his first role led to him being typecast as an international villain and one can’t blame him.  Still, almost every action movie villain who has followed has owed something to Alan Rickman.  Just as it’s difficult to imagine anyone other than Bruce Willis as John McClane, it’s impossible to imagine anyone other than Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber.

(That said, I’m sure there’s another alternate universe out there, right next to the Sinatra universe, where Blade Runner was not as troubled a production as it was and, as a result, Die Hard was made with Ridley Scott directing, Harrison Ford starring as McClane, and Rutger Hauer playing Hans.)

For all of the action, there’s also a lot of moments that make me laugh out loud and I’m not just talking about McClane’s one liners.  The two FBI agents don’t get much screentime but Davi and Bush make the most of what they have.  Paul Gleason is wonderfully deadpan as the clueless Chief Robinson.  Even Rickman gets his share of laughs.  “I read about them in Time Magazine” indeed.

Die Hard is a Christmas tradition with my family and a lot of other families as well.  Does Die Hard count as a Christmas movie?  I would say yes.  The terrorists may not respect the holiday but John McClane does.  No one ruins McClane’s Christmas!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.2 “Follow Your Dreams” and 3.3 “Budget Cuts”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week is all about aptitude tests and radio stations!

Episode 3.2 “Follow Your Dreams”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 17th, 1994)

The school guidance counselor (Christopher Hewett) gives everyone an aptitude test.  Mark discovers that he should be a guidance counselor.  Tiffani discovers she should be a vet.  Tony discovers that he should be a musician.  (Way to go, Tony!)  Lorena’s ideal career choice is fashion designer.  The same is true of Sly, largely because he copied off of Lorena’s test.  Jake, meanwhile, is told he should go into arranging flowers.

This comes at a bad time for Jake.  He’s been suffering from writer’s block and, when the test says that he has no artistic skills, he considers giving up music.  Fortunately, he changes his mind.  The Dreams already lost Matt, I doubt they could survive losing Jake.

Meanwhile, Sly briefly becomes Lorena’s boyfriend but that only lasts a day before she discovers that he copied her test.  She humiliates Sly by forcing him to dress up like a caveman for a school presentation.  (Sly actually looks good as a caveman so it doesn’t quite work.)  Fear not.  Sly and Lorena will eventually get a second chance in another season or two.

This was a good episode.  Tony turning into a pretentious beatboxer was especially amusing.

Episode 3.3 “Budget Cuts”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 24th, 1994)

What was the deal with Peter Engel-produced shows and school radio stations?

Saved By The Bell had a school radio station that was used to help save the Max.  City Guys had a radio station that became a major part of the show after Chris and Jamal abandoned work on the video yearbook.  Did Hang Time have a school radio station?  It honestly would not shock me if they did.

Anyway, California Dreams also has a school radio station and Sly has been named the general manager.  Of course, all of the Dreams get programs of their own.  Mark becomes a drama critic and upsets Tony by ridiculing his performance as Hamlet.  Sam gets a job running an advice show and tells people to go see Mrs. Doubtfire.  Jake gets a show called “Shut Up and Listen!”  And Lorena does a show about fashion.  (“Combats boots are hot but wearing them with tube socks is not.”)

The radio station is a huge success for everyone but Jake.  As Sly points out, people don’t want to be told to shut up and listen.  When Jake refuses to change his format, Sly fires him.  The audience gasps.  One scene later, Principal Blumford (played by character actor Earl Boen), enters the radio station and announces that the school board has decided to cut funding for the radio station!

I’m sure you can guess what happens next.  Lorena, Tiffani, and Sam want to start a petition to save the station.  Jake ridicules them for not being “real rebels” so Lorena proves him wrong by locking herself in the radio station and broadcasting without authorization.  Jake is so impressed that he not only makes out with Lorena (on the air) but he also attends a school board meeting and successfully argues that the station is important. Jake wears a suit to the meeting.  The audience goes crazy.  The episode ends with him and Lorena declaring their love for each other while everyone else celebrates the fact that the radio station has been saved.

This is actually my second time to review this episode.  The first time I reviewed it, I think I was a little bit dismissive but I better appreciated it this time.  Some of that’s because I’ve been watching One World, a show in which the cast had absolutely no chemistry.  After watching something like One World or some of the lesser episodes of City Guys, it’s easier to see just how well the cast of California Dreams played off of each other.  They’re believable as friends and bandmates and that definitely adds something to the show, regardless of how broad some of the humor may be.

The highlight of this episode?  Lorena calling Jake “fake Fonzi.”  What made it work was that Jake responded by saying, “Heeeey.”  A close second would be Principal Blumford announcing, “I’ll be back,” which was a nice shoutout to Earl Boen’s role in The Terminator franchise.

Next week …. more music!

Holiday Film Review: Jack Frost (dir by Michael Cooney)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tis the season for killing!

One snowy December night, a prison transport drives through the town of Snowmonton.  The prisoner (Scott McDonald) being transported is a serial killer who murdered 38 people over the course of his crime spree.  In fact, he was arrested right in the town of Snowmonton and, since he’s now due to be executed, you can bet that he holds a grudge.  And get this …. the killer’s name is Jack Frost!  I mean, what a weird series of coincidences, no?

What do you think the chances are that the prison transport is going to crash into a genetic research truck?  And what do you think the chances are that Jack Frost is going to get splashed by a lot of chemicals that lead to him merging with the snow?  I mean, I guess it only makes sense that he would turn into a murderous snowman who goes on a rampage in Snowmonton and who stalks everyone that he holds responsible for his capture.

Actually, it doesn’t make any sense at all but so what?  The fact that this 1997 film still has a small cult following is a testament to the fact that sometimes, people don’t want movies that make sense.  Sometimes, they just want a movie about a trash-talking snowman who can shoot icicles.  Jack Frost is also known for being the film debut of actress Shannon Elizabeth who falls victim to the snowman in a scene that is both horrifying and incredibly silly-looking.  Though Jack may have taken on the form of a snowman, he’s actually a liquid.  (Don’t ask.)  So, as Shannon Elizabeth’s character learns, it’s smart to be careful about taking a bath when Jack Frost is dripping around.

(In Thirteen Ghosts, Shannon Elizabeth was attacked by a ghost while looking at a bathroom sink. In Jack Frost, she’s attacked by a snowman while taking a bath. There definitely seems to be a pattern here.)

It’s up to Sheriff Tiller (Christopher Allport) and FBI Agent Manners (Stephen Mendel) to figure out how to defeat the killer snowman.  It won’t be easy.  Manners thinks that the solution to everything is just to fire a gun or set off an explosive.  Sheriff Tiller and his staff likes aerosol cans.  But Jack Frost turns out to be a lot smarter than the average snowman.  He’s also a lot meaner than Frosty.

Jack Frost was apparently shot over the course of the week and screenwriter Michael Cooney only agreed to direct because no one else was willing to do it.  The budget was low and it shows in every scene of the film.  Fortunately, this is one of those cases where the budget was so low that the cheapness of it all eventually becomes rather charming.  You can’t help but respect the fact that, despite having no money, the filmmakers still managed to make a movie.  Jack Frost is smart enough not to take itself seriously.  Instead of wasting the viewer’s time with pointless drama, the film focuses on the snowman making angry expressions and shouting out morbid one-liners.  That’s really the only way to go when you’re making a movie about a killer snowman and the filmmakers deserve some credit for knowing exactly what type of movie they were making.  Jack Frost may not be a good film but it’s definitely an amusing one.

Holiday Film Review: To All A Good Night (dir by David Hess)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

To All A Goodnight, a holiday-themed horror film from 1980, opens with a particularly macabre hazing.  One teenage girl runs through a mansion, eventually ending up at the edge of a balcony.  A bunch of other teenage girls surround her, in what I assume is meant to be a sorority initiation.  Over the edge of the balcony the first girl goes, plunging to her death.  AGCK!  Actually, it would perhaps a bit more effective if not for the fact that the shot of the girl plunging to her death was shot with a very obvious dummy.

Two years later, on the Friday before Christmas, none of the students at the Calvin Finishing School For Girls seem to remember or care about the accident that led to the death of one of their classmates.  Instead, they are too busy getting ready for Christmas break.  Most are heading home but a few are planning on staying at the school.  One of the girls explains that her superrich boyfriend is going to be flying his private plane to the school and he’s bringing along a few of his friends.  Yay!  Everyone gets a date!  They just have to make sure that they’re not caught by the housemother (Kiva Lawrence) or Ralph (Buck West), the weirdo handyman who spends a lot of time telling the girls that something evil is going to happen.

The plane lands.  (Viewers will want to keep an eye out for porn star Harry Reems, playing the pilot.)  The boys invade the school.  Guitars are played.  Love is made.  Philosophies are discussed.  And it turns out that Ralph was correct.  Evil things happen.  Someone has dressed up like Santa Claus and is committing murder!  The girls eventually call the police and Detective Polansky (Sam Shamshak) leaves behind two other detectives to keep an eye on the place.  For whatever reason, it never seems to occur to anyone to just leave the school and maybe stay at a hotel or something.  I mean, the plane is right there!

To All A Goodnight is a fairly generic, low-budget slasher.  The acting is stiff.  The lighting is so haphazard that it’s actually a challenge to keep track of whether a scene is taking place during the day or at night.  There are several character but none of them have enough of a personality to really make an impression.  It’s a challenge to keep track of who is who.  More than a few times, I found myself saying, “I thought she was dead.”

There are two things that make this film memorable.

First off, To All A Goodnight was released on January 30th, 1980.  That was a month too late to take advantage of the holiday connection but, at the same time, that also makes it the first slasher of the 80s.  Friday the 13th would not be released until May.  Much like the first Friday the 13th, To All A Goodnight is basically an American version of an Italian giallo film, with the emphasis on the whodunit aspect of the plot.

Secondly, To All A Goodnight was the only film to be directed by David Hess, the songwriter-turned-actor who was best known for playing Krug in the original Last House On The Left.  (Fans of Italian cinema, of course, know him for his turn as the main psycho in The House On The Edge of the Park.)  With the exception of one nicely surreal moment in which one of the students has a nervous breakdown and starts to dance during the film’s final confrontation, there’s nothing particularly memorable about Hess’s direction.  The film was obviously shot quickly and for little money so it’s not easy to say whether Hess would have improved as a filmmaker with more time and a bigger budget.

To All A Goodnight was one of the first of the Santa Claus slasher films but it would certainly not be the last.  Something about jolly old St. Nick just seems to bring out the macabre in certain filmmakers.

Holiday Film Review: Christmas Evil (dir by Lewis Jackson)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Poor Harry Stradling!

As played by Brandon Maggart in the 1980’s Christmas Evil, Harry is a poor guy who lives alone and spends his days thinking about Christmas.  When Harry was a child, he and his brother, Philip, had an argument about whether or not the Santa they saw in their living room was the real Santa or just their father dressed up as Santa.  Philip claimed that there was no Santa.  Harry insisted that there was.  Later, Harry snuck downstairs and caught his mother doing a lot more than just kissing Santa Claus.  It was enough of a trauma that, 33 years later, Harry is still obsessed with bringing Santa Claus to life.  While Philip (Jeffrey DeMunn) has started a family, Harry is an emotional stunted manchild.

Harry does a lot of creepy things in Christmas Evil, even before the film reaches it’s bizarre denouement.  He starts his day spying on the local children and making a list as to who has been nice and who has been sneaking an adult magazine into his bedroom.  There’s also the scene where he masturbates while secretly watching Philip and his wife.  That’s a bit …. yeah.  Eeek!  And yet, as creepy as Harry can be, it’s hard not to feel bad for him.  His love of Christmas and Santa is just so sincere and earnest.  He’s so obsessed with Christmas that he even has a managerial job at a local toy factory.  The toys are shoddy, his bosses are hypocrites, and his co-workers take advantage of him.  Harry has so many reasons to be miserable but he’s not.  His love for Christmas is the thing that keeps his life going and which gives him hope.

Eventually, Harry decides that maybe he could be the new Santa!  He puts on the beard.  He makes the costume.  He decorates his van with a picture of sleigh and, while he drives it, he gives orders to his imaginary reindeer.  He steals a bunch of toys and tosses them into a bag and, while its snows outside, he joyfully hands out the presents at a children’s hospital.  Later, when he gets dragged into a Christmas Party, he gives out even more toys.  He tells the kids to be good because if they’re bad …. ho ho ho!

Yay for Harry, right?  Well, the problem is that some people aren’t as happy to see Santa as the children are.  Some people make the mistake of mocking Harry, which leads to Harry using his toys to murder them.  Soon, the police are dragging in random Santas and forcing them take part in a lineup.  Meanwhile, Harry drives around town and continues his quest to become the new Santa!

And maybe …. just maybe, he does.  It all depends on how you interpret the ending.  The film’s director, Lewis Jackson, has officially said that most people are not correctly interpreting the ending but I don’t care.  Harry may be a murderer and a weirdo but, dammit, he’s just so earnest!  He deserves a happy ending!

Christmas Evil is often described as being a slasher film but it’s actually more of a character study.  Imagine Taxi Driver if Travis Bickle dressed up Santa.  Harry may be insane and dangerous but he still tries to do some good in the world and, in the end, he wins the hearts and support of the children.  Christmas Evil is an odd mix of mental squalor. gritty grindouse imagery, and holiday earnestness.  Christmas Evil was certainly not the only early 80s “slasher” film to focus more on the killer than his victims but, as opposed to Maniac and Don’t Go Into The House, it’s one of the few to generate some sympathy for its main character.  Everyone deserves a happy Christmas, even (or maybe that should be especially) Harry Stradling.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch All Through The House with #ScarySocial

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

 

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Tim Buntley will be hosting 2015’s All Through The House!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  The film is available on Prime.  I’ll probably be there and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Merry Christmas!

Holiday Spirit: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (dir by Nicholas Webster)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Watching the 1964 holiday sci-fi epic, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, is a Christmas Eve tradition here at the Shattered Lens!  So, sit back, turn on Kid TV, and get ready to sing!

S

A

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T

A

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HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUS!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.7 “Dad Strikes Out” and 3.8 “Sui’s In For Stormy Weather”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

We’re all in this together now!

Episode 3.7 “Dad Strikes Out”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 4th, 2000)

Occasionally, the writers of One World would suddenly remember some otherwise forgotten fact about their characters and build an episode around them.  In this case, they suddenly remembered that Dave is a public high school teacher.  At the start of this episode, Dave announces that the teachers are on strike and the high school is closed until further notice.  Dave says that the strike is going to go on for a long time.  So, I guess the school year is canceled and everyone will have to repeat their senior year.  St. Neal is especially upset about this and who can blame him?  He was supposed to graduate at the end of season 2!  Is he ever going to get out of that school?

At the mall, the kids decide to harass the new guy working at Corn Dog World, just to discover that it’s their Dad.  (This family is the worst!)  Since Dave is humiliating himself by taking on another job while on strike, St. Neal announces that all of the kids will get jobs as well.

Cray, who is 13, gets a job searching for alligators in the sewer.  Do they usually hire 13 year-olds for that type of work?  Jane gets as job as a dog walker.  Sui gets a job as a perfume sprayer at the mall.  Marci keeps her job as the assistant manager of Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” The Warehouse.  Ben plays guitar on the street.  St. Neal makes money as a tutor.  Considering he’s been a senior for three years now, I imagine he knows all of the answers.

The kids also help their parents save money by doing home repairs.  “Is that roof safe?” St. Neal asks.  “I don’t know,” Jane replies, “that why I sent Cray up there.”  Okay, I will admit that line made me laugh.

Meanwhile, Ben dates a smart girl in order to win a bet with Marci.  But then he falls in love with her for real.  He begs her to forgive him when she finds out the truth and eventually, she does.  (“Awwwwwww!” the audience says.)  I’m sure we’ll never hear from her again.

Episode 3.8 “Sui’s In For Stormy Weather”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

This episode starts with Neal and Ben making their debut as film critics on the local cable access channel and …. wait, what!?  Like how the Hell did this happen!?  THEY’RE IN HIGH SCHOOL!  What’s weird is that there’s no backstory that explains how Neal and Ben ended up with this gig.  Instead, Marci says, “I can’t believe you guys get paid to be movie critics” and everyone watching is just supposed to accept it.

To be honest, this is type of thing that would normally make me stop watching after the first few minutes but, because the title promised that this was a Sui episode, I stuck with it.  Considering that she’s both the coolest and the best-dressed of the Blake children, Sui has definitely not gotten enough storylines during season 3.

When Sui learns that there’s an opening for a weather girl at the station, she auditions for it and gets the job.  The manager of the studio is named Randy Gekko, which automatically tells us not to trust him.  No one decent person has ever been named Randy Gekko.  And sure enough, Randy is soon pressuring Sui to wear a bikini while reporting on the weather and telling her that he can make her a star if she cooperates.

To the show’s credit, Sui immediately realizes what Randy is doing and that it’s wrong.  One of the reasons why Sui is the best character on the show is because, while she’s often materialistic and a little flighty, she’s also smarter than people realize and she’s willing to stand up for herself.  (Full disclosure: Of all the characters on this show, Sui is the one to whom I tend to relate.)  In this case, she humiliates Randy on the air by announcing to the channel’s viewers (there must be at least half-a-dozen of them) that her boss is a sleaze.  Way to go, Sui!

In the B-plot, Cray considers piercing his ear to impress a girl.  It was a dumb plot and it had no place in a Sui episode.