Jeff and I have been in Baltimore since last Friday and I’ve been having a great time seeing the sights (I thought I’d found the rowhouse where they hid all those bodies on The Wire but Jeff says all condemned buildings look the same) and just getting to meet and hang out with my boyfriend’s family.  We went shopping on Saturday, bonding on Sunday, and on  Monday night, they took me to see the fireworks at Baltimore Harbor.  And, on Tuesday, we went to the movies and saw the new Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts romcom Larry Crowne at the wonderful Harbor East Cinema.  Now, I have to admit that I wanted Larry Crowne to be a really sweet, funny movie because we were seeing it not only with Jeff’s younger sister but with his mom as well. 

So, imagine my horror as Larry Crowne flickered across the screen for 90 minutes and it quickly became apparent that we weren’t watching a cinematic classic.  Far from it.  With each flat punchline and uninspired piece of on-screen business, the feeling of despair at the pit of my stomach grew and grew.  Oh my God, I thought, they’re going to think about this movie now whenever they think about me.  In their heads, I will forever be equated with a bad, boring movie.  In their heads, in their heads…zombie…zombie…zombie…

Suddenly, I had another terrifying thought.  What if they, like a handful of other people in the audience, actually enjoyed the film?  What if, during the end credits, they looked over at me and said, “Wasn’t that wonderful?  That Tom Hanks really delivers.”  What would I do?  In my mind, I replayed all of the fun that I’d had in Baltimore up to that moment.  Damn you, Larry Crowne, I thought, things were going so well!

By the time the end credits had finished, I literally felt like I was aboutto  be ill.

And that’s when Jeff’s mom looked over at me and said, “Well, Tom Hanks sure did drop the ball on that one.”

Glory!  Glory!  Hallelujah! I wanted to shout.  Not only did we agree on the overall quality of the film but she also specifically went out of her way to blame Tom Hanks and not me!  Seriously, I can’t begin to tell you how happy this made me.

As for Larry Crowne, it’s the story a guy named Larry (played by Tom Hanks, who also directs) who loses his retail job because he doesn’t have a college education.  So, he enrolls at the local community college where, for some odd reason, he quickly captures the attention of a girl named Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) who is several years younger and makes it her mission to make Larry into a cool guy.  Why does Talia take such an interest in this guy?  The movie never really says.  It’s not for any sort of romantic reason as Talia has a boyfriend (played by Wilmer Valderamma).   The only thing that she has in common with Larry is that they both drive motor scooters.  In fact, Talia’s in a gang of scooter riders.  And by that, I mean that there’s like 20 to 30 people in this group.  We never learn any of their names or why they’re all hanging out together.  Seriously, it all seems so false and cutesy that, after a good start, the entire film falls apart once Larry and Talia meet.  In the end, it just seems like another case of a Hollywood film in which a down-on-his-luck caucasian is validated by the fact that a member of a minority group has developed an inexplicable interest in his life. 

Anyway, one of Larry’s classes is taught by Julia Roberts and oh my God, can we just be honest here?  I know all you boys love her and stuff but seriously, Julia Roberts is aging terribly and she looks just awful here.  It doesn’t help that the character she’s playing here comes across as a brittle, self-centered psychotic with a drinking problem.  Whenever you see Larry starting to get near her, you just want to yell out, “No, Larry — she’s crazy!”  Julia’s performance gets better as the film goes on but it’s still hard to warm up to her character.  Not only does she appear to have been born with a scowl on her face but she’s also not much of a teacher.  Seriously, what type of public speaking professor interrupts her students while they’re giving a speech?  Anyway, Tom and Julia eventually end up pursuing each other, though not because it makes any sense for their characters to feel any sort of attraction towards each other.  This is the type of romantic comedy where the romance feels like an afterthought.  It’s as if someone said, “Wait — both Tom and Julia are in this movie?  Well, make sure they fall in love.”

Now, the frustrating thing with Larry Crowne is that it’s never actually bad enough to be a “so bad that’s it’s good” type of film.  Instead, the film settles very early for a very complacent, almost lazy sort of mediocrity.  As a result, the film is ultimately not terrible but instead, just very forgettable.  It’s heart it is in the right place.  Tom Hanks has said that this film is meant to be an “antidote to cynicism” and, if that’s the case, he can take pride that there’s not a cynical bone in the film’s body.  It’s all very earnest, very well-intentioned, and finally just very, very bland.

Sometimes, a little cynicism is just what the doctor ordered.