Tower Heist | Through the Shattered Lens

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I don’t follow football, baseball, or any other sport created by putting something random before the word “ball.” Why would I ever need sports when I’ve got the Oscars? A few nights ago, I found myself asking Arleigh just what exactly was meant by all this talk of “fantasy football.” Seriously, I assumed that it was some sort of football team made up of hobbits, elves, and talking Narnia animals. Turns out I was wrong but it also turns out that whereas some of you have got your fantasy football drafts, I’ve got my fantasy Oscar season. And you know what? My fantasy Oscars always turn out to be a lot more interesting than the real Oscars.

But, ultimately, it’s the real Oscars that matter and, as we enter the Fall, the real Oscar season is heating up. Not only are the self-styled Oscar contenders lining up to be released but the pieces of the eventual ceremony are starting to come together as well.

Each year, one of the most important pieces of the ceremony is the announcement of just who exactly will be hosting the big event. Last year, James Franco and Anne Hathaway were announced as hosts and we all know how that eventually went. Perhaps that’s why the producer of the upcoming show, hack director Brett Ratner, has decided to go the opposite direction. Rather than picking someone who represents the future of Hollywood, he has instead picked someone who very much represents the past.

The host of the 84th Academy Awards will be Eddie Murphy.

Perhaps not coincidentally, Eddie Murphy is also appearing in Ratner’s upcoming film, Tower Heist. (By the way, I’ve already predicted that Tower Heist is going to suck just on the basis of the trailer. Hopefully, I’ll be wrong because, quite frankly, it makes me happy when Ben Stiller gets to appear in a good film. But seriously — even the title is lazy.)

I can’t really say for sure how I feel about Eddie Murphy as host of the Oscars because, to be honest, I really haven’t seen that many of his films. I thought he was kinda good in Dreamgirls but otherwise, Eddie Murphy has always come across as being … well, the term that comes to mind is “washed up.”

Personally, I’m a part of the minority who feels that Anne Hathaway and James Franco weren’t half as bad as everyone seems to think. Hathaway, I felt was likable and goofy and Franco — well, I kinda sorta like James Franco. The fact that the two of them were so ill-suited for their hosting duties brought a very nice sort of unpredictable vibe to the show. You never knew if James Franco was going to suddenly chop his arm off on-camera.

Say what you will about Eddie Murphy, I know he’s not going to chop off his arm on live TV.

In just another few days, the summer movie season will end and we’ll enter the fall. The fall movie season is when all of the prestigious, massively hyped “quality” films are released. These are the films that everyone is expecting to see remembered at Oscar time. We expect more out of films released in the Fall and therefore, when a film fails to live up to the expectation of perfection, we are far more quicker to simply damn the whole enterprise by exclaiming, “That sucked!”

Below are 15 upcoming fall films which I think are going to “suck.” Quite a few of them are “prestige” films though a few of them most definitely are not. However, they are all films that I fully expect to be disappointed with.

Quick disclaimer: This list is based on only two things, my gut instinct and the advice of my Parker Brothers Ouija Board. These are my opinions and solely my opinions and they should not be taken as a reflection of the opinions of anyone else involved with this web site. Got it? Good, let’s move on to the fun part:

Anonymous (10/28) — Roland Emmerich takes on the burning issue of whether or not Shakespeare actually wrote his plays. Who cares? I’m sure this will spark a lot of discussion among people who found The Da Vinci Code to be mind-blowing.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (12/21) — Deal with it, fanboys.
The Ides of March (10/7) — It’s a political film directed by and starring George Clooney! Watch out for the smug storm that will surely follow.
Immortals (11/11) — Yes, it will suck but it will still probably be better than Clash of the Titans.
The Iron Lady (12/16) — Bleh. This is one of those movies that they make solely because Meryl Streep needs another Oscar nomination. Nobody will see the film but everyone will talk about how brilliant Meryl was in it.
J. Edgar (TBA) — So, when was the last time that Clint Eastwood actually directed a movie that you didn’t have to make excuses for?
Mission Impossible — Ghost Protocol (12/21) — Honestly, has there ever been a Mission Impossible film that didn’t suck in one way or another?
Real Steel (10/7) — How do I know this film is going to suck? Go look up the trailer on YouTube and you can see that little kid go, “You know everything about this fight game!” for yourself.
Red State (9/23) — A satirical horror film with a political subtext? Well, let’s just hope they’ve got a great director…
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (12/16) — It’s the law of diminished returns. The better the original, the worse the sequel. That said, I really hope I’m wrong on this one. I loved Sherlock Holmes.
Straw Dogs (9/16) — It’s a remake of the old Peckinpah classic except now, it’s a Yankee Blue Stater getting attacked by a bunch of Redneck Red Staters. Yankee paranoia is so freaking tedious. Add to that, Straw Dogs has been remade a few million times and never as well as the original. At least those remakes had the decency to come up with their own name instead of just trying to coast on the credibility of a better film. This travesty was written, directed, and produced by Rod Lurie. Shame on you, Rod Lurie. (Of course, the toadsuckers over at AwardsDaily.com are madly enthused about this film.)
The Three Musketeers (10/21) — Is anybody expecting otherwise?
Tower Heist (11/4) — Brett Ratner continues to encourage us to lower our standards with this action-comedy. The film’s villain is played by Alan Alda and is supposed to be a Bernie Madoff-type so expect a lot of tedious pontificating from rich actors playing poor people.
War Horse (12/28) — This might actually be a good film but, as a result of all of the hype, it’s going to have to be perfect or else it’s going to suck.
W.E. (12/9) — Madonna makes her directorial debut with … well, do I really need to go on?