Tony Brown | Through the Shattered Lens

To be absolutely honest with you, I’m starting to think that the Amityville films aren’t exactly being honest about the whole “based on a true story” thing.

I mean, on the one hand, it is true that, in the early 70s, a teenage heroin addict named Ronald DeFeo murdered his family in their home in Amityville, New York. Perhaps realizing that there was no way anyone was going to buy his original claim that the Mafia killed his entire family but somehow left him alive, Ronald DeFeo eventually claimed that he had been possessed by a demon. Some people believed that story because some people will believe anything that involves demon possession.

It’s also true that a family called the Lutzes moved into the Amityville murder house and then moved out a few weeks later and claimed that they had been haunted by the same demons that drove Ronald DeFeo to kill. It was a stupid story but it played into the 70s’s obsession with the apocalypse and demonic possession. It was the decade of The Exorcist and The Omen. A non-fiction novel was published and it became a best-seller. In 1979, a movie was made and it became a hit. And, in the years since, there have been over 50 films with the words “Amityville” in the title. Some of those films have been actual Amityville films and some of them have just been generic low-budget horror flicks that just borrowed the term. What they all have in common is the claim that the Ronald DeFeo was possessed by Satan and that the Lutzes weren’t lying about the house being haunted. Of course, if there really is an Amityville Demon, it’s probably seriously pissed off by now, These films do not make him look good.

The current popular gimmick is the idea that even things that used to be in the Amityville house have been filled with demonic energy that they still carry with them, even outside of the house. 2016’s Amityville Toolbox features Mark (played by Mark Popejoy) receiving a toy monkey for his 50th birthday. No sooner has he unwrapped the monkey then he’s acting moody, drinking alcohol after years of sobriety, and then chopping wood with an axe. His family, who have gathered at his country home for the weekend, watch him and wonder if anything’s wrong with Dad. Well, he’s wandering around with an axe and now he’s loading a shotgun so what do you think?

Directed by Dustin Ferguson, Amityville Toolbox is a low-budget film that features dialogue that feels like it’s been improvised. Up until Mark finally listens to the vengeful ghost of his father (Colby Coash) and finally starts doing the full DeFeo to his family, the pace is almost torturously slow. That said, the film actually has a few fairly good shots. A tracking shot down the foggy road leading to Mark’s home is a hundred times more creepy than it has any right to be. Colby Coash is properly intimidating as the evil spirit and Mark Popejoy does a credible-enough job as the disturbed father who handles his midlife crisis in the worst way possible. Mark snaps and it’s actually a bit disturbing. The rest of the cast is struggles with their underdeveloped characters but some of the visuals are primitively effective.

That said, I think Mark was more to blame for his actions than the Amityville house or the toy monkey. Sometimes, even murderers need to take responsibility for their choices.

Previous TSL Amityville Reviews:

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, things get freaky, as in Friday.

Episode 2.15 “Change of Life”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 29th, 1986)

Once again, Jonathan and Mark find themselves in Hollywood. It’s interesting just how many of Jonathan’s heavenly assignments involved helping a film or television star feel better about life. Given that Michael Landon was heavily involved in the show as a producer, director, writer, and star, I’ve usually assumed that the Hollywood episodes were his way of dealing with his own possibly conflicted feelings about being a part of the entertainment industry.

(Interestingly, the Hollywood episodes always seem to take place in a sort of old-fashioned fantasy of Hollywood, where anyone can become a star and where westerns and historical epics were still being shot on studio backlots.)

This time, Jonathan and Mark find themselves assigned to work with actress Linda Blackwell (Anne-Marie Martin). Jonathan is her new bodyguard and Mark is her hairdresser. Mark totally freaks out when he discovers that he’s not only going to have to cut hair but that God has lied and provided him with a fake beauty school diploma. Everyone, including Linda and head of studio security Sam Quigley (Greg Mullavey), assumes that Mark and Jonathan are a couple. Jonathan is amused by it but Mark freaks out.

(Seriously, though, Mark and Jonathan are two single, middle-aged men who drive around the country and regularly rent apartments together. What does Mark think everyone’s been assuming for the last years and a half?)

Anyway, Mark thinks that being a woman is easy. Linda thinks that men spend all of their time being pigs. No sooner can you say “Freaky Friday” then the lights have switched on-and-off and Mark and Linda have switched bodies. Mark discovers what it’s like to be objectified and Linda discovers that Sam isn’t a jerk but instead, he’s a sensitive guy who wants to marry her.

It’s a pretty simple episode, even by the standards of Highway to Heaven. There’s a bit too much gay panic humor, with Mark overreacting to such an extent that it’s hard not to wonder if maybe there’s some truth to what everyone is assuming. But, on the plus side, both Victor French and Anne-Marie Martin do a good job portraying Mark and Linda, both before and after they switch bodies. There’s nothing at all subtle about Victor French’s performance here but, considering that his usual role on Highway to Heaven was to be kind of gruff and stoic, it’s a nice change-of-pace to see him not only doing physical comedy but also showing himself to be fairly adept at it.

The episode ends with both Mark and Linda back in their original bodies. Linda marries Sam. As for Mark, he mentions that cows never have to worry about any of the stuff that humans do. Uh-oh, Mark, don’t give God any ideas….

TOO LATE!

The episode ends with Mark, who is driving, mooing while a cow chases after Mark and Jonathan’s car. God apparently enjoys playing little tricks on Mark. Hopefully, the car didn’t end up crashing.