Horror on the Lens: Sometimes They Come Back (dir by Tom McLoughlin)

Posted on October 13, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s horror on the lens, we have 1991’s Sometimes They Come Back.

Adapted from a Stephen King short story, this made-for-television film tells the story of a teacher (played by Tim Matheson) who returns to the New England town where he grew up. If he seems reluctant to do so, it’s because he has some bad childhood memories to deal with. In the 60s, his brother was murdered by a group of leather-clad greasers, all of whom subsequently died in a fiery car crash.

But, if all of them died in the 60s, why are they now showing up in his classroom? And why have none of them aged?

Could it be that … sometimes they come back?

And could it also be that the reason that they’re coming back is so they can finish the job that they started in the 60s and murder the last remaining brother?

This campy but enjoyable adaptation features good performances from both Tim Matheson and, in the role of the main dead guy, Robert Rusler. Why have they come back and what can be done to make them leave once again? Watch, find out, and enjoy!

Back to School Part II #41: She’s Too Young (dir by Tom McLoughlin)

Posted on September 15, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Guess what, guys! I’ve got syphilis!”

— Actual Line Of Dialogue From She’s Too Young (2004)

Yes, indeed, 14 year-old Dawn (Miriam McDonald) has syphilis. But she’s not the only one! It turns out that there’s a syphilis epidemic raging at Dawn’s Canadian high school. It all comes down to a 16 year-old aspiring man-whore named Nick (Mike Erwin) and Nick really isn’t that concerned about it. When the school’s counselor informs him that he’s patient zero in the syphilis epidemic, Nick holds out his arm and says, “Give me my magic bullet and I’ll be on my way.” Nick also jokingly refers to syphilis as being “the big S.”

Meanwhile, Nick’s girlfriend, Hannah (Alexis Dziena), is shocked to discover that she has a mouth sore, despite having never had intercourse with Nick. Uh-oh … it turns out that syphilis is a lot easier to contract than she originally believed! Luckily, her incredibly overprotective mom (Marcia Gay Harden) is doing her best to make sure that nobody in Canada ever gets syphilis again. If that means going from house to house and announcing, “My daughter has syphilis!,” that’s what she’s going to do!

One of Hannah’s best friends is Dawn. Her other best friend is Becca (Megan Park), who regularly sneaks off to a motel with her boyfriend. Seriously, every teenager in town is having sex, except for Hannah. That said, Hannah does try to convince her photographer friend, Tommy (Joe Dinicol), that it’s time that they both lose their respective virginities. Tommy, however, refuses and says, “We have ages to do that…”

(Really? A teenage boy turning down sex? Maybe he’s just worried about getting syphilis…)

Anyway, after Dawn reveals that she has syphilis, every student at the high school is forced to get a blood test. Becca gets pretty mad about being inconvenienced and decides that she doesn’t want to hang out with either Dawn or Hannah anymore. (Even worse, her ultra religious parents threaten to send her to private school!) While Dawn can at least hang out with her mother and her younger sister, Hannah now has no one to be friends with. After all, Nick’s has apparently succumbed to an internet pornography addiction, Tommy rejected her, and her mother is too busy telling everyone in the neighborhood that Hannah has syphilis. So, Hannah spends all of her time hanging out on a website and chatting with Dawn (whose user name is Dawn69 and I’m sure that’s just meant to be a coincidence).

The site, by the way, is called Teenplaya.com. I don’t know if Teenplaya.com is a real site and I’m not planning on finding out. Any site called Teenplaya.com is probably going to be crawling with all sorts of viruses, not to mention syphilis…

(“Lisa,” you’re saying, “you can’t catch syphilis from a website…” Whatever. That’s the same thing they told Napoleon before they sent him to Elba and we all know how that worked out.)

I have spent a lot of time on this site defending Lifetime films but occasionally, I do see a movie that pretty much lives up to every single pre-conceived notion that people have about Lifetime films in general. She’s Too Young is one such film. It’s so overwrought and earnest and it has so little understanding of the way that teenage girls actually talk that She’s Too Young actually is a classic of a certain kind. It’s like the Reefer Madness of Canadian STD films.

Speaking as a Degrassi fan, one of the things that made She’s Too Young especially memorable was that Dawn was played by Miriam McDonald. On Degrassi, McDonald played Emma Nelson and, in a two-part episode that was considered to be too controversial to air in the United States, she contracted gonorrhea. It’s interesting to compare the rather level-headed and always honest approach of Degrassi to the far more histrionic style of She’s Too Young.

(On Degrassi, when Emma finally told her stepfather that she was sick, he assured her that she would be okay and that the most important thing was that she learn from this experience. In She’s Too Young, when Hannah confesses that she’s sick, her mother responds by running around the neighborhood and telling everyone that her daughter has syphilis.)

For all the talk about how the original Mother, May I Sleep With Danger is the ultimate over-the-top and unintentionally funny made-for-TV film, I would argue that She’s Too Young is actually far more memorable. From the overwrought dialogue to the overwrought performances to the painful sincerity of the film’s intentions, She’s Too Young is a classic that deserves a James Franco-produced remake.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLnNBN7-LA8

Film Review: Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005, dir. Tom McLoughlin)

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I completely get why this is one Lifetime movie that Lisa hasn’t written about. This is a total mess of crap. I’m going to borrow Lisa’s format she often uses for reviewing Lifetime movies because otherwise this would probably just be reduced to a string of expletives.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because I was too stupid to listen to the slew of negative reviews on IMDb. Instead, I was intrigued and managed to find a copy of this thing.

What Was It About?

I can tell you what it was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be about a teenage boy who gets addicted to porn. In reality, I think it’s about how seeing big breasts means you will become addicted to energy drinks and you will go insane when you go through puberty and never masturbate.

The movie begins with a kid who has been beaten up jumping into a pool. Cut to three months prior and the kid is swimming in a meet. In no time, this kid is introduced to porn and since his girlfriend wants to remain a virgin, he gets hooked. He also just gets hooked on energy drinks at the same time. Because it’s nearly impossible to look at porn without massive amounts of caffeine in you. Honestly, I think they put that in the movie so they would have even more of a reason for why his swimming and school work suffers.

His Mom (Kelly Lynch) spots the porn because this kid is too stupid to close his door. He’s dumb enough to not shut his door, but later he suddenly becomes smart enough to hack through the library firewall to look at porn. HA!. Later he introduces his younger brother to porn.

Now, when I say he’s addicted to porn, it’s a little more complicated. Sometimes it’s just plain porn like this.

But a lot of the time it’s this girl named Monica who apparently goes to school with him. There is so little information about her that all I can say is that she is supposed to be a senior. Honestly, I’m quite sure they never even tell us why she puts herself out there like that. No money seems to come her way. At least the girls on Degrassi: TNG set up a business.

The film plays out like the kid has a drug problem. You’ve seen those films a million times so you know how it plays out. There’s really only two things left to talk about.

First, this bizarre scene where he is surrounded by women in the water.

Second, the ending of the movie. I hate to use the word slut, but I honestly don’t know of any other way to describe how they portray Monica. She actually meets with him at a restaurant, moves to the other side of the booth, grabs his hand and puts it on her breast. No explanation whatsoever except she seems to be super horny. It’s really weird. Now the ending. He appears to get beat up by the boyfriend of Monica because she’s a slut, then he jumps in the pool, and is suddenly cured of his porn addiction. This movie is more of a mess than Nukie.

What Worked?

Nothing. Okay, it did get the bit right about how porn sites would generate a seemingly endless amount of popups. I really think that’s it.

What Did Not Work?

Everything else.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have also looked at porn on the Internet. But I was never dumb enough to do it when my parents could easily see it. It’s no wonder his parents say that swimming is the only way he’s going to college. It’s not money. They know their son rivals Bill Pullman’s character in Ruthless People (1986).

Lessons Learned

If someone tells you there is a Lifetime movie worse than this, then avoid it because your life may depend on it. Honestly, I have not watched a movie this bad since Ricky 1 (1988). Up to now I have only referred to it as the movie that shall not be named, but this is on par with it so I have no choice. That means it’s horrifyingly bad.