Last night, I was feeling sad so I went to the handy DVR and I watched a movie that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on Memorial Day — the unacknowledged classic piece of Americana, The Babysitter’s Seduction!

Why Was I Watching It?

Oh.  My.  God!  How could I not watch it?  This apparently first came out way back in 1996 but it shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network like every six months or so and I make it a point to either watch it or at least DVR it every time it’s scheduled because seriously, this is like my favorite Lifetime movie of all time!

What’s It About?

Oh my God…okay, check this one out.  So Kerri Russell is like this babysitter and she’s been hired to watch over the children of Stephen Collins who is the multimillionaire with a beautiful home and a wife who has had so many facelifts that her face just looks like wax.  Kerri’s in high school here and she has a boyfriend who looks like he’s about 30 because he’s got a receding hairline and a big old widow’s peak but he’s still in high school too.  Uhmm…remedial much?

So, anyway, one day, Kerri takes the kids out to the public pool and then she realizes that she left something behind at the house so she goes back and, oh my God!, Stephen Collins’s wife is lying dead on the kitchen floor with a gun in her hand.  Is it suicide?  Well, that’s what a police inspector played by Tobin Bell has to figure out.  Turns out that Tobin is also best buddies  with Stephen but he’s still got to do his job because it quickly becomes obvious that Mrs. Stephen Collins didn’t actually commit suicide.  It all has to do with powder residue and a whole lot of other CSI-type stuff.

Anyway, it’s kinda obvious that Stephen Collins killed his wife but nobody notices because they’re too busy gossiping about how he’s now secretly sleeping with the babysitter.  Kerri Russell tells everyone that she’s in love with Stephen Collins but little does she realize that Stephen Collins is busy trying to frame her for his wife’s murder.

Anyway, eventually the center cannot hold and things falls apart…

What Worked?

Okay, so basically, here we have a film where the Rev. Camden frames Felicity for murder and it’s up to the Jigsaw Killer to find the truth.  That right there is what we call a harmonic convergence of pop culture.  This film needs to be seen for this reason, if nothing else.

Also, the Babysitter’s Seduction is one of those films that succeeds by taking its formula to the most logical extreme and  then taking another step or two forward.  Hence, not only is the babysitter seduced but she’s just about brainwashed.  Not only is Stephen Collins evil but, as the film reaches it conclusion, we come to realize that he’s actually the equivalent of that evil mayor from the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I mean, seriously — there’s nothing this guy can’t do!  How, where, and when did he learn to be so evil!?

Finally, this is another one of those movies where nobody delivers a line without taking a dramatic pause in the middle of the sentence.  For instance, the dead wife’s secret love introduced himself by saying, “I’m Paul Richards….I.  Was.  Sally’s.  Lover.”  Now, I have to admit that I’ve often been told that I have a tendency to 1) talk too much and 2) talk too fast and, as a result, sometimes it’s difficult to follow my train of thought.  And to those who say that, I say, “Fuck you.”  But anyways, after witnessing all of the dramatic pauses in this film and seeing how they helped to turn a 30-minute sitcom into a 2-hour movie, I am now much more open to the idea of adding.  Pointless.  Pauses.  To.  Everything.  I.  Say.  From.  Now.  On.

Also, this film demonstrates how — if you’re in a pinch  and you don’t have anything else — panties can be a handy substitute for handcuffs.  So, if your boyfriend can’t quite figure out how to pull that particular quirk off, this movie serves as a nice training film for him and as 2 hours of Lifetime goodness for you.

What Didn’t Work?

Obviously, if the babysitter wasn’t an idiot then there wouldn’t be a film.  But seriously, this babysitter was really an idiot.  Okay — since I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea from this movie, I’ll just go ahead and say it — if the wife of your employer shows up on the kitchen floor with a bullet in her head, do not respond by having sex with your employer.  It’s just not going to look good.

There’s also a scene where Kerri Russell’s bra changes color from shot to shot.  Seriously, that’s just carelessness.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

You know, I always wanted to babysit but I never got too.  My older sisters all got to babysit me at one time or another but one of the drawbacks of being the baby of the family is that there was no one younger than me for me to watch.  Then again, being the baby also meant that I got spoiled rotten so I can’t complain too much.

However, there was one moment I could really relate too and that was when Kerri Russell told her concerned mother, “I don’t have an attitude…you do!”  I used to say that all the time!  The key to delivering the line — which Kerri nails, by the way — is to wait three beats before raising up your chin half an inch, looking down the slope of your nose and saying, “…you do.”  Ha!  In your face, judgmental authority figure!

Also, despite never getting to be a babysitter, I did once secretly have an older lover who murdered his wife but shhhh…don’t tell anyone.

Lessons Learned

If you’re employer kills his wife, wait a few months before having sex with him.  Otherwise, it just looks bad.