Kingdom of the Spiders (dir by John “Bud” Carlos)


While many celebrated International Cat Day on August 8th, it also happened to be National Tarantula Appreciation Day. As a result, I decided to return to a film that terrified me when I was little (and watched when I was far too young), 1977’s Kingdom of the Spiders.

As a kid growing up near the beginning of cable, movies were regularly during the weekends shown on prime time TV. This consisted of about 5 main channels in New York City: CBS (Channel 2), NBC (Channel 4), ABC (Channel 7), WNYW (Channel 5, which would become Fox in the Mid80s), WWOR (Channel 9), and WPIX (Channel 11). In addition to this, Channel 5, 9, and 11 would have movies playing on weekday afternoons just before the nightly news. I ended up watching Kingdom of the Spiders at my grandmother’s house, from under her bed. I didn’t sleep well for a while after this movie.

I don’t know why she ever owned it, but my Grandmother had this near clear shower curtain with a giant red and black spider on it. The web started from the center and spread out to the edges of the curtain. The image below is the closest approximation I could find to the one she owned. This was the source of my arachnophobia, which caused me to either enter the bathroom with my eyes closed, or use the basement bathroom (which had the rare added chance of seeing actual spiders). She tried to make me see the reality of it once, scooping me up and lifting me in front of the curtain to realize it was just a plastic sheet. My imagination was a little too much, however, and all I saw was something that wanted to cocoon and drink me dry. I screamed and flailed in her arms, and that was the end of that.

The premise for Kingdom of the Spiders is incredibly simple. At first, life is pretty comfortable in Verde Valley, Arizona. You’ve a family of cattle ranchers in the Colby’s (played by Spartacus‘ Woody Strode and Can’t Stop the Music‘s Altovise Davis). However, when a farmer’s cattle begin to fall ill and eventually dies, Dr. Rack Hansen (William Shatner, Miss Congeniality) is brought in to figure out what’s happening. Between heavily flirting with this brother’s widow Terry (Marcy Lafferty, Star Trek: The Motion Picture and Shatner’s wife at the time) and taking care of her daughter, Laura (Natasha Ryan, The Amityville Horror), it’s a surprise Rack has the time to help the Colby’s out.

When he sends in the blood samples to a lab for more research, the diagnosis is spider venom on a highly toxic scale. It’s so toxic that a spider specialist, Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling, Open House) is brought in to help. Of course, this springs Rack into action. After they meet, he cuts her off on the road, gives her his best one liner and then picks her up and takes her to his favorite restaurant (in her car, mind you). Rack’em, indeed.

Over lunch, they come to an understanding that DDT might be the cause of their tarantula menace. Having killed off their regular food sources of insects, the spiders have moved on to larger game. A quick visit back to the Colby Ranch confirms their fears. A spider mound is on their farm and the decision is eventually made to burn it down. Burning helps, but little do the humans realize that the spiders had exit strategies of their own. They also had additional mounds that the humans never even noticed.

With time running around out, Rack and Diane eventually decide the answer is more DDT, but the spiders thwart the attempt and decide from that point on, it’s all out war. Can the town survive the assault?

So, the spiders in Kingdom of the Spiders are just tarantulas. While all tarantulas are spiders, not all spiders are tarantulas. We’re not talking about the small house spiders from Frank Marshall’s Arachnophobia. They can be dangerous too, depending on the type. The Brown Recluse in particular has venom that is necrotic and will eat away the flesh around a bite. This movie focuses on the large hairy ones.

From what I’ve read, while most tarantulas have venom, it’s not particularly dangerous to humans. The only real exception to this are the Funnel Web spiders of Australia. They’re super aggressive and their venom can kill. Thankfully, according to a USA Today article, no one on that continent’s been killed by one since 1980. Additionally, some tarantulas only really use their fangs as a last resort. They will usually choose to flick the hairs off their back, which sting the eyes and noses of most predators.

There were about 5000 tarantulas used in the movie, with a mix of real ones for the early close ups and fake models for some of the wider shots. I’ve always wondered if the American Humane Society supervised the film, because it looks looks like a number of them were killed (at least in the last third).

Shatner is pretty much himself here, bringing that style he always does to a role. It’s not the over the top levels of Captain Kirk or Denny Crane, but it’s still fun to watch. Though I haven’t been able to confirm it, I’m told that Tiffany Bolling was one of the few people that wasn’t scared to work with the arachnids and that helped to get her the role. Most of the cast are okay, thought their reactions to spiders might cause one to laugh more than to share in their fear. Granted, I’d probably react the same way as most of them.

There’s one part involving Mrs. Colby with a gun that shares the same musical piece used in David Cronenberg’s Rabid and Scott Sanders’ Black Dynamite. Much like the classic Wilhelm scream, this musical piece seems to pop up in older movies now and then.

Overall, Kingdom of the Spiders is a decent film to unleash upon your Arachnophobic friends to watch them squirm. The spiders may spend more time running away from their prey, but some low to the ground camera shots help to make things more interesting.

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #48: The Candy Snatchers (dir by Guerdon Trueblood)


The_Candy_Snatchers_Poster

(SPOILER ALERT)

Do you remember how, just last night, I described The Sister-in-Law as being one of the darkest films ever made?  Well, I stand by that description but, believe it or not, there was another low-budget thriller that was released in 1973 and which is even darker than The Sister-In-Law!  Compared to this film, The Sister-in-Law is a life affirming comedy.

The Candy Snatchers begins with Catholic school student Candy (Susan Sennet) walking home.  As a song called “Money Is The Root Of All Happiness” plays on the soundtrack, we watch Candy as she makes her way across the city.  However, we’re not the only ones watching Candy.  There are also three people in a van and they’re slowly following behind Candy.  They’re also wearing fake noses and glasses.

Despite the elaborate disguises, it’s not difficult to tell the three of them apart.  Jessie (Tiffany Bolling) is their leader, a high-strung woman who always seems to be on the verge of an emotional breakdown.  Alan (Brad David) is her brother and brags that he’s killed twelve people so far and he’s looking forward to adding more to the count.  Their partner is Eddy (Vince Martorano), an overly sensitive criminal who wants to make some money but who doesn’t want to hurt anybody.  Their plan is to kidnap Candy.

(Hence, the Candy Snatchers!)

See, they’re under the impression that Candy’s father, Avery (Ben Piazza) owns a jewelry store and, that by kidnapping Candy, they’ll be able to get him to pay them a ransom.  Pulling up beside her while she attempts to hitchhike home, the three kidnappers grab Candy, pull her into the van, and blindfold her.  They drive up to the mountains and bury Candy in a wooden box, leaving her with a breathing tube to make sure that she doesn’t suffocate.  They then call Avery and give him their demands.

The problem is that the kidnappers haven’t done as thorough a research job as they thought they had.  What they did not realize is that Avery doesn’t own the jewelry store.  Instead, he’s just the manager.  Even worse, it turns out that Avery is not Candy’s father.  Instead, he has just recently married Candy’s mother for her money.  As Avery cheerfully explains, with Candy out of the way, he now stands to inherit $2,000,000 when Candy’s mom dies.

In other words, the kidnappers are now stuck with Candy.

After retrieving her from her underground prison, Alan wants to rape Candy while Jessie wants to kill her.  Eddy, however, feels sorry for Candy.  After telling his two partners that he’s going to kill her, Eddy takes Candy back up to the mountains.  Again, he buries her alive but he promises her that he will return to dig her up as soon as he takes care of his partners.

What Alan, Jessie, and Eddy don’t realize is that all of this is being witnessed by Sean (played by Christophe, the actor’s son), an autistic child who apparently cannot speak.  Candy begs Sean to let someone know where she is but every time that Sean tries to get the attention of his loathsome parents, they either ignore him or they beat him.

By the end of the film, Jessie, Alan, and Candy’s mother are all dead.  When Eddy returns to Candy’s grave, he gets into a gunfight with Avery.  Eddy manages to kill Avery but, before he can dig up Candy, he’s shot in the back.  As he turns around, he sees that he’s been shot by Sean, who has picked up Avery’s gun.  Eddy tumbles down the mountain.  Sean goes back to his house and apparently shoots his abusive mother.  The movie ends with the sound of Candy struggling to breathe underground…

AGCK!

Seriously, I am totally claustrophobic so the end of The Candy Snatchers is pure nightmare fuel for me.  To be honest, the whole film is nightmare fuel.  There’s only two likable characters in the entire film and, as the end credits roll, Sean has just killed his mother and Candy is slowly suffocating underground.

As dark as The Candy Snatchers may be, it’s still strangely watchable and compelling.  It’s not a film that I would recommend to anyone getting over a serious bout of depression but still, it’s a well-acted, well-directed, and consistently surprising film.  In fact, I would say that it’s probably one of the best grindhouse films ever made.

That said, you do have to wonder just how depressing life was in 1973.  Between this film and The Sister-in-Law, I’m surprised humanity survived to see 1974.

A Bonus-Sized Collection Of Trailers, Part One


Since it’s the holiday season, I’m going to do a bonus-sized, two-part edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers this week.  So, assuming that I’m not upset by who wins the Amazing Race and that Julia Stiles survives tonight’s episode of Dexter, I’ll put together and post part two sometime later tonight.  And if I am upset, expect to see it sometime Monday.

Anyway, here’s the first part of our special, pre-holiday edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers.  Just a quick note, three of these films are apparently not available on DVD or even on VHS!  To be honest, I imagine their trailers are probably a lot more fun than the actual movie.

1) Wicked Wicked

What is Anomorphic Duovision?  Well, I did some research last night and I’ll explain it all after the trailer.

Duovision, it turns out, is a fancy way of saying, “Split screen.”  Like you remember in 24 whenever Keifer Sutherland would start purring in that sexy voice of his, “Dammit!  CHLOE!” and Chloe would go, “Get off my ass, Bauer!”  Well, more often than not, that was shown in Anomoprhic Duovision.  Brian DePalma also used it in Carrie when Sissy Spacek sets the prom on fire.  In other words, none of that would have been possible if not for Wicked Wicked.  Apparently, in Wicked Wicked, one half of the screen featured Tiffany Bolling singing and the detective guy investigating and the other half featured the killer doing his thing.

2) Dr. Minx

I give this trailer mad props for resisting the temptation to be all like, “And she makes house calls…”

3) Zaat

Believe it or not, this is not, as I originally assumed, a parody trailer.  I did actual research (yes, believe it or not, I do try to verify these things) and I discovered that this was a real movie from 1972 and apparently, it made a lot of money playing the drive-in circuit (a.k.a. the grindhouses of the South). 

4) Angel, Angel, Down We Go

From 1969 — His name is Bogart Peter Stuyvesant and he’s hot!

5) The Body Beneath

This little “shocker” from 1970 was directed by Andy Milligan, who was infamous for making movies that were so bad that they often ended up being effective despite themselves.

6) A Night to Dismember

I’ve never actually seen this film but I’ve certainly heard about it.  It has a reputation for being one of the worst horror films but I have to admit, I think the trailer has an oddly dream-like power.  A Night To Dismember was the last film to be directed by Doris Wishman, who — when she first started making early “nudie” flicks (the best known of which was the Nude on the Moon) in the 50s — was one of the first women to ever actually direct a theatrically released film.  After her husband died, Doris’s films changed from being rather innocent and campy stories about dorky guys trying to discreetly ogle nude women to being dark and puritanical tales of the sexually active being punished.  A Night To Dismember was her final film and its troubled production has become legendary.  I found it on DVD once and nearly bought it but, at the last minute, put it down and bought a copy of Larry Cohen’s God Told Me To instead.  The next week, when I went back to buy A Night To Dismember, I discovered that the store had been shut down and permanently closed the day after I made my last purchase.  That’s just freaking typical, isn’t it?