The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Don’t Answer The Phone (dir by Robert Hammer)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nicholas Worth in Don’t Answer The Phone

AGCK!

As a self-described lover of grindhouse and exploitation films, I have seen my share of truly icky films. But Don’t Answer The Phone, a 1980 mix of police procedural and serial killer horror, is in a class all by itself. It is not only exceptionally icky but it’s distressingly effective as well.

After I watched Don’t Answer The Phone, I actually checked to make sure all the doors were locked. Before I got into bed, I searched all the closets to make sure there wasn’t anyone hiding in there. And, as I fell asleep, I found myself thinking that maybe I should follow the advise of both Arleigh and my sister. Maybe it was time for me to finally get a gun of my own and learn how to use it.

Seriously, Bowman, I thought as I waited for sleep to come, you live in Texas. It’s totally legal to carry a gun down here so you need to take advantage of the law and make you’re ready to blow any pervert losers away! Even if you shot the wrong person, you’re cute. The jury would never convict…

That’s the type of effect that Don’t Answer The Phone had on me. It’s not necessarily a good film. With one notable (and important) exception, most of the acting is terrible. The film’s few attempts at intentional humor largely fall flat. Even with a running time of only 94 minutes, Don’t Answer The Phone feels overlong and full of unneeded padding. And yet, this is a very effective film. It did freak me out, largely because it was so crude and heartless. It strikes at the most primal fears of the viewer, that feeling that — even within the security of our own home — we may not truly be safe.

As Don’t Answer The Phone opens, Los Angeles is a city being stalked by a madman. That, in itself, is not surprising. Just taking a quick look at Wikipedia will reveal that Los Angeles has been home to a large number of serial killers. In fact, if there is anything shocking about Don’t Answer The Phone, it’s the suggestion that Kirk Smith (played by Nicholas Worth) is the only serial killer in town.

Who is Kirk Smith? He’s an overweight, bald photographer who always wears an army jacket and is obsessed with candles, body building, and strangulation. He also enjoys calling up a local talk show host, Dr. Linsday Gale (Flo Gerrish). (One wonders if Dr. Gale’s name was specifically meant to make the viewer think of The Wizard of Oz.) “Hello,” he says in an outrageously fake accent, “this Ramon!” He tells Dr. Gale that he has frequent headaches and bad urges. When he’s not pretending to be Ramon, Kirk can usually be found staring at himself in a mirror and yelling, “Do I measure up, Dad!?”

Kirk is killing women across Los Angeles and it looks like he might never be caught because Don’t Answer The Phone features some of the most incompetent cops ever! These are the type of cops who smirk at the victims and shoot anyone who doesn’t get on the ground fast enough. These are the type of cops who open fire and then say, “Adios, creep.” Civil liberties!? BLEH, THESE COPS DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Of course, they do end up shooting and killing the only witness who can identify Kirk Smith as the murderer. Whoops!

If there’s anything that sets Don’t Answer The Phone apart from all the other serial killer films, it’s the performance of Nicholas Worth. Far more than the slick and erudite serial killers who dominate contemporary thrillers, Nicholas Worth is a frighteningly believable lunatic. He’s scary because we’ve all seen his type wandering the streets. We’ve all felt his stare linger for a few seconds too long and we’ve all had the same feeling of dread when we saw him approaching us. Reportedly, Worth did a lot of research on actual serial killers before taking on the role of Kirk Smith and his performance is terrifying because it is so real.

It’s icky to watch but, at the same time, it do serve to remind us that there are real life Kirk Smiths out there.

Agck! Seriously, it makes me shake just thinking about it.

I’m getting a gun…

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: Zero in and Scream (dir by Lee Frost)

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have to admit that there’s one very simple reason why I decided to watch and review the 1970 thriller/horror/softcore/sniper mayhem film, Zero In And Scream. And that reason was that the movie is only 63 minutes long. Seriously, when you’re writing for 7 different sites while working during the day and living during the night, there are times when you simply have to say, “That 4-hour epic from the Ukraine looks like it’s a great movie but I’ve only got time for an hour-long, low-budget excursion into cinematic obscurity.”

Zero In and Scream (and that’s great title, by the way) is about Mike (Michael Stearns). Mike has really impressive hair and a deep tan. (Perhaps the scariest part of this film comes when Mike undresses and we are confronted with his pasty white tan lines.) I was going to comment on the fact that Mike also spends a good deal of the film wearing a really ugly and really wide tie but then again, this movie was made in 1970, so I guess that’s to be expected.

Mike has some issues that go beyond questionable fashion choices. He simply cannot get a girlfriend. Maybe it’s because he’s an extremely moralistic jerk who says things like, “When a man climbs on top of a woman, she becomes ugly!” Or maybe it’s because he spends almost all of his spare time holding and stroking a very phallic rifle. Whenever Mike spots a couple making love, he shoots the man and allows the woman to remain pure.

Mike spends his spare time at the local strip club where, for reasons that aren’t quite clear, one of the dancers (Dawna Rae) decides that she likes this weirdo and she invites him to come to a party at her place. The party is tres decadent in a 1970 softcore sort of way so, as you can imagine, Mike freaks out.

Will Mike be able to control his homicidal urges? Will he listen to the radio reporter who, at one point, begs the killer to turn himself in because, “It’s obvious that you’re not in control of yourself!” Or will he just continue to just wander around with his rifle while having flashbacks?

For the most part, Mike’s issues are just an excuse to get as many naked bodies on screen as possible, with a good deal of the film’s 63 minutes being taken up by a surprisingly well-shot underwater orgy scene. Zero In and Scream doesn’t really work as horror film or as a thriller but I’m still recommend it for all of my fellow history fanatics. Like many a worthy grindhouse film, Zero In and Scream is a time capsule of the era in which it was made. Until we get our hands on a time machine, films like this are as close as we will ever come to personally experiencing the 70s.

Add to that, Zero In and Scream is worth watching for its abrupt but clever final shot. It may not be a particularly good film but it has a great ending!

(In case you hadn’t already guessed, Zero In And Scream is available from Something Weird Video.)

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: The Dead Live (dir by Darrin Patterson)

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“It’s madness! Madness, I tell you!”

— Alex Travis (Emily Hughes) in The Dead Live (2006)

So, this is what it comes down to. There’s a lot of very critical things that you can say about the 2006 zombie film, The Dead Live. You can complain about the wooden acting. You can talk about the terrible special effects. You can talk about the numerous continuity errors and you can also point out that this film drags on for 120 minutes. Myself, I would complain about the repetitive heavy metal soundtrack. (What is the deal with amateur zombie filmmakers and heavy mental?) Judging from the comments over at the imdb, the number one complaint about this film is with the sound. To put it simply, it’s often time impossible to hear what anyone’s saying in The Dead Live.

But, with all that in mind, The Dead Live does feature brave journalist, Alex Travis (played by Emily Hughes), shouting, “It’s madness! Madness, I tell you!” And any movie that features “Madness, I tell you!” in the dialogue cannot be considered all bad.

Add to that, this film features a scene where an unfortunate guy gets shot in the head. However, before the trigger is pulled, the guy shouts, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” and the action suddenly starts moving in slow motion. Even the “NOOOOOOOOOO!” is heard in slow motion. And, as I’ve said in the past, I love the slow mo of doom.

Oh! And I did I mention that, towards the end of the film, someone shouts, “STOP OR I’LL SHOOT! ARE YOU DEAD OR ALIVE!?”

And then there’s the visit to the Savini County Morgue in Romero, Ohio (that’s right — Savini County and Romero, Ohio), which turns out to be located in an office. The director plays the coroner. He also plays the sheriff, a member of a SWAT Team, and a zombie.

Before we get too snarky, I’ve read a FAQ at the imdb, one which I have a reason to suspect was written by the director himself. This was Darrin Patterson’s first movie and, assuming that he is the author of the surprisingly detailed FAQ, he admits that this film was largely a learning experience.

And, as easy as it is to criticize The Dead Live, there’s an odd sort of charm to just how thoroughly and totally inept this movie really is. I think it’s because we all secretly know that, if we ever got a chance to make a movie for only $10,000 and with no professional help whatsoever, we’d probably end up making something just as bad.

The phrase is overused but The Dead Live is literally “so bad that it’s good.” It’s a shame that the film doesn’t have a cult following. If you can appreciate Birdemic or April Rain, you can probably appreciate The Dead Live.

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: Old Man (dir by Guy McConnell)

Posted on October 13, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“A new couple move in to a house where a murder supposedly took place. Nonsense ensues.”

— IMDb plot description for Old Man (2004).

Wow, IMDb, snarky much?

Seriously, I am surprised to see such a snarky plot description for Old Man. I’m assuming that it was written by someone who watched Old Man and didn’t care much for the film. Considering that Old Man currently has a 3.4 rating on the IMDb and has been voted on by 49 users … well, that’s 49 suspects for you.

But, honestly, that plot description isn’t even that accurate. For one thing, it’s not a house where “a murder supposedly took place.” Instead, it’s a house where at least 13 murders definitely took place. The murderer was named Walter Bowden and he was nicknamed the “Old Man,” presumably because he was 65 years old and old people are scary. Walter ended up murdering his wife and his son and then he hung himself. But is it possible that his ghost still haunts the house?

Of course, it ‘s possible! In fact, it’s not only possible but it’s what actually happens!

The other part of that plot description that I take issue with is the claim that “Nonsense ensues.” It’s not nonsense, it’s ghostly mayhem!

In defense of whoever wrote that plot description, they were correct when they stated that a married couple — Linda (Erika Stone) and Michael (Jason Kulas) — does move into the house. Michael knows why they got the house for cheap but he never bothered to tell Linda. And when Linda starts seeing and hearing odd things, Michael dismisses her concerns. Why do men always do that? Look, guys, if we say that there’s a big scary ghost in the closet, there’s a big scary ghost in the closet! We don’t need you to go check inside the closet, we need you to find a new house…

Anyway, Linda eventually meets a strange man (Kevin Cirone) who tells Linda about the house’s background. Linda, needless to say, is not happy. (As for Michael, he’s mostly jealous that his wife has made a new friend.)

Despite those 49 IMDb users, Old Man is not that bad. Erika Stone is a sympathetic heroine and the Old Man himself is properly intimidating. Old Man is better than your typical ultra low-budget, shot-on-video horror film. The only nonsense is to be found in that IMDb plot description! Snark is a powerful weapon. Don’t waste it on a perfectly inoffensive little film like Old Man.

How did I see Old Man? It was included as a part of the 6-movie, 2-disc Depraved Degenerates set from Pendulum Pictures. It’s probably the best movie included in the set.

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: Castle Freak (dir by Stuart Gordon)

Posted on October 3, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Originally released in 1996, Castle Freak is a film that I watched a few years ago and seriously, it totally freaked me out! Seriously, this is one truly creepy, scary, and disturbing film. I imagine that I’m not alone in having nightmares after watching Castle Freak.

Castle Freak takes place in Italy and yes, the main setting is a castle. (One the reasons why Castle Freak was so effective in freaking me out is because I have actually been to Italy and I have stepped inside castles much like the one featured in this film.) The castle belonged to a duchess who has recently passed away. The duchess’s son, Giorgio, is still alive. The duchess it seems was a bit insane and, after being abandoned by her husband, she was so angry that she had Giorgio chained up in the basement. After being trapped for years, Giorgio has reverted to a feral state, speaking in grunts and growls. Horribly disfigured, Giorgio is served a meal a day by a frightened maid. When Giorgio finally escapes (via breaking off his own thumb so he can slip out of his manacles), he is looking for revenge against humanity.

Giorgio is probably one of the most frightening monsters in cinematic history but yet, like all great monsters, he is as much a victim as a villain. One reason why the film works is that, even though you’re terrified of Giorgio, you can’t blame him for being angry. Indeed, one of the film’s strongest moments come when Giorgio sees his reflection for the first time and wails at the sight. Jonathan Fuller gives a great performance as Giorgio.

Just as Giorgio escape, the duchess’s last remaining descendants move into the castle. John Reilly (Jeffrey Combs) is a recovering alcoholic. Years ago, a drunk John had an automobile accident, which led to the death of his son and the blinding of his teenage daughter, Rebecca (Jessica Dollarhide). His wife, Susan (Barbara Crampton), cannot bring herself to forgive John for the accident.

Though neither is initially aware of the other’s existence, there’s an obvious bond between John and Giorgio. Much as the duchess never forgave Giorgio, Susan will never forgive John. Giorigio was held prisoner by chains while John was held prisoner by both his own guilt and Susan’s anger. Both of them are capable of monstrous acts with the only difference being that John has yet to totally surrender his humanity to his rage. It’s somewhat appropriate that, after John picks up a prostitute from town, it’s Giorgio who ends up killing her because Giorgio really is John’s id unleashed. And now, John’s entire family is in danger to falling victim to that id.

Castle Freak is a frightening movie, one that mixes shocking gore with other more subtle scares. Director Stuart Gordon makes good use of the castle’s ominous atmosphere and he also gets wonderful performances from his entire cast, with Jeffrey Combs as the stand-out. This is a scary and gory film that was truly made for intelligent adults.

And finally, that scene where the blind Rebecca talks about her hopes and dreams while Giorgio stands unseen beside her?

Pure nightmare fuel.

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: The Manipulator (dir by Yabo Yablonsky)

Posted on October 1, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mickey Rooney is … THE MANIPULATOR!

Up until recently, I firmly believed that Love and Other Drugs was the most annoying movie ever made. But then, a few nights ago, I cracked open my Mill Creek 50 Drive In Movie Classic box set and I watched a little film from 1971. I was just looking for a horror film to review for October. Little did I know that I would soon be watching the most annoying movie ever made!

The name of that movie?

The Manipulator.

The star of that movie?

Mickey Freaking Rooney.

In The Manipulator, Mickey plays B.J. Lang, a former Hollywood makeup artist who has had a mental breakdown. He now lives in a dusty warehouse, surrounded by old movie props and mannequins. B.J. spends a lot of time talking to himself and trying on makeup. Sometimes, he wears a fake nose and pretends that he’s Cyrano de Bergerac. And then, at other times, he imagines all of his mannequins coming to life and taunting him. (It’s kind of like the final scene of Maniac, except nobody’s head gets ripped off.) Occasionally, he has weird flashbacks, which are all about giving the filmmaker an excuse to utilize the fish-eye lens and psychedelic lighting.

Eventually, we learn that BJ (and, as I watched the film, I kept wondering if his name was supposed to make viewers think about oral sex) is not alone in his warehouse. There’s a woman (Luana Anders) who is being held prisoner. He has her tied up in a chair and, whenever she begs to eat, he feeds her baby food. BJ calls her Carlotta, though that’s apparently not actually her name. The woman yells a lot. Her first five minutes of screen time consist of her repeating, “MR. LAAAAAAAAAANG” over and over again.

BJ spends most of his time delivering monologues about how Hollywood used to be and occasionally, he demands that Carlotta help him put on a play. At one point, BJ appears to have a heart attack and this leads to Carlotta going, “DON’T DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE, MR. LAAAAAAAAANG” over and over again.

And then a homeless bum (Keenan Wynn) shows up and wanders about for five minutes before dying.

The problem with writing about a film like The Manipulator is that, just by describing the plot, you make it sound more interesting than it actually is. You’re probably reading this and thinking, “Wow, this sounds really weird! I need to see it at least once…”

No, you don’t. It may sound weird but ultimately, it’s more emptily pretentious than anything else. This was both director Yabo Yablonsky’s first and final film and there is not a single camera trick that he does not employ. We get the weird angles, the random moments of slow motion, the even more random moments when the film is suddenly sped up, the extreme close-ups, the sudden blackouts, the ragged jump cuts, and, of course, lots of rack focus and zoom lens use. Compared to The Manipulator, the direction of Getting Straight appears to be mild and conventional! The film does feature three talented performers but none of them seem to have the slightest idea what the movie is about or who they are supposed to be playing. In particular, both Rooney and Wynn seem to be making up their dialogue as they go along.

And really, that’s why The Manipulator is so annoying. It should have, at the very least, been an insane misfire. Instead, it’s just boring.

Sorry, Mickey.

6 Action-Filled Trailers From The Trailer Kitties

Posted on September 13, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s been nearly a year since I last did an edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers! With October and our annual Halloween blogathon approaching, now seems like the perfect time to restart the trailer tradition!

So, I sent the trailer kitties out and I told them to find me 6 good grindhouse previews. They came back with these 6 action-filled trailers! Let’s see how they did.

1) The Bullet Machine (1970)

2) Telefon (1977)

3) The Last Hunter (1980)

4) The Soldier (1982)

5) Warriors of the Wasteland (1983)

6) Wheels of Fire (1985)

What do you think, Trailer Kitty?

Awwww! This Trailer Kitty loves action!

The Daily Grindhouse: The Lashman (dir by Cameron McCasland)

Posted on June 18, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s been a while since I’ve down a Daily Grindhouse review here on the Shattered Lens and shame on me for that! Fortunately, I recently saw a film called The Lashman, a film that may have been released in 2014 but which serves as a tribute to the low-budget, wilderness slasher spectaculars that played at so many grindhouse and drive-in theaters in the 70s and 80s. After watching the film, I knew that I had seen the perfect film with which to relaunch this feature.

The Lashman was directed by Cameron McCasland and filmed in Kentucky. As I’ve said many times in the past, I love local horror films. These are films that are made on location, outside of Hollywood and which often utilize local talent, both behind and in front of the camera. Along with reminding us that no one location has a monopoly on American filmmaking talent, these locally made horror films also feel a lot more authentic than the slick, “mainstream” films coming out of Hollywood. This is horror taking place in the real world, as opposed to on a sound stage. “Authenticity,” that belief that what you’re watching could happen just as easily to you as it could to the people onscreen, is one of the keys of effective horror cinema. If you can’t relate to the fear of the characters or believe that the film’s threat — no matter how outlandish — might just happen to be waiting for you in the shadows, then the film is not going to work. Grindhouse horror films, with their rough edges and their cast of often unfamiliar faces, worked precisely because they felt authentic.

I think this especially true for slasher films. As unfairly critically reviled as they may be, the slasher film is based on a horror that we can all relate to. We all know that there are disturbed people out there. We all secretly suspect that we’re more vulnerable, both mentally and physically, than we like to pretend we are. And, as much as we like to shout back at the screen and complain about how slasher movie victims are always doing something stupid, we all know that we have no idea how we would react if we ever found ourselves in the same situation. Most of us secretly know that we’d never survive a slasher film. I know I wouldn’t. I’d be the girl wandering around outside in her underwear, saying, “This isn’t funny!,” and then spraining my ankle as soon as I tried to run away.

The Lashman is a throwback to those old grindhouse slasher films, a loving homage to films that may have never been critically embraced but which remain undeniably effective. The film’s story is simple. Five students spend the weekend at a cabin in the woods. Lashman, who is rumored to be the malevolent spirit of a man killed over 100 years before, shows up. People die.

Our five students are all traditional slasher movie victims. In fact, they share the same basic relationships as the five victims from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There’s two couples, Stacy (Stacy Dixon) and Billy (David Vaughn) and Daniel (Jeremy Jones) and Jan (Kaylee Williams) and then there’s Stacy’s awkward misfit of a brother, Bobby (Shawn C. Phillips). (Much like poor wheelchair-bound Franklin from Texas Chainsaw, Bobby spends a lot of time complaining.)

Out of the cast, Shawn Phillips is the one who I immediately recognized because he’s appeared in several low-budget and undeniably fun horror films, with Ghost Shark being a personal favorite. However, all five of the main cast members do a good job. I’m jealous of the screaming abilities of Stacy Dixon and Kaylee Williams and David Vaughn made for a good “nice guy” hero. However, special mention has to be made of Jeremy Jones. One of the unwritten rules of the slasher genre is that one of your main victims has to be a totally obnoxious jerk and Jeremy Jones deserves a lot of credit for the total commitment that he shows to that role.

The Lashman is a film that will best be appreciated by those who know their horror movies and who can appreciate that McCasland has essentially crafted this film to be a valentine to the entire genre. Everything about the film — from the beautifully shot opening where two anonymous teens fall victim while the moon beautifully glows down on a lake to the final chase through the woods between the Lashman and his suddenly partially undressed final prey — feels like a tribute to the classic grindhouse horror films of the past.

Finally, as I wrap up this review, allow me to share just a few more thoughts:

This film was produced by Red Headed Revolution Pictures. As a redhead, I appreciated that. It was also co-produced by Lee Vervoort, who was one of the directors on Volumes of Blood.

The token crazy old man character (every slasher film has one and nobody ever listens to him when he attempts to warn them) is played by an actor named Larry Underwood, who is a horror host (under the name Dr. Gangrene) and a Rondo-winning horror blogger. (That said, I should admit that the main reason that I initially smiled when I saw his name in the credits is because I just started reading Stephen King’s The Stand.)

Director Cameron McCasland has a cameo appearance in the film and is credited as playing Handsome Bartender.

The end credits declare, “A good cast is worth repeating!” If you’ve seen any the great Universal films from the 30s and 40s, you will immediately recognize the phrase. When I was a kid and I would watch any of the old monster movies, I always loved seeing that “a good cast is worth repeating!” In a weird way, it always made me feel happy for the cast.

The Daily Grindhouse: Project Nightmare (dir by Donald M. Jones)

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, the Late Night Movie crew and I watched Project Nightmare, an obscure little film from 1987. (Actually, it would be more correct to say that the film was released in 1987. Judging from the clothes, the cars, and the hair, the film was actually made at some point in the 70s.)

The best word that I can think to describe Project Nightmare would be weird. This is just a weird and trippy movie.

The film opens with Gus (Charles Miller) and John (Seth Foster), two friends who played football in college and who are now in the air conditioning business together. Gus is insecure and angst-ridden. John is confident and spends almost the entire movie with his shirt becoming progressively more and more unbuttoned. Gus and John go on a camping trip. As the film opens, they are both running from something that they think attacked their camp site. They’re not quite sure what it was and their descriptions remain frustratingly vague. Even when their mysterious pursuer comes near, we never get a clear look at it. Instead, we just hear buzzing on the soundtrack while the sky changes colors.

Gus and John come across a house sitting in the middle of nowhere. Inside the house is Marcie (Elly Koslo). Marcie doesn’t have a telephone but she does have a bottle of Scotch. As Gus and John drink, they sit on the floor because Marcie doesn’t appear to have any furniture in their house. Their conversation is stiff and oddly stilted and we’re left to wonder if this is the result of bad acting or if it’s just another sign of the film’s overall surreal atmosphere. Gus admits that he wants to sleep with Marcie and then proceeds to tell her a long and confusing story about why he and John are such good friends. John, meanwhile, dreams of a little boy running in a cemetery while a priest makes unintelligible sounds.

The next morning, as the two men leave the house, we hear a howling wind and yet none of the surrounding plant life appears to be swaying. Was this just bad filmmaking or was it another example of the director trying to create a sense of unease? It’s not an easy question to answer but I’m willing to give director Donald Jones the benefit of the doubt.

The two men walk. A mysterious light pursues them. They come across a man sitting in a car. Gus and John get in the car. The man lays down in the back seat and promptly dies. They drive back to Marcie’s house and manage to get Marcie to come outside right before the entire house vanishes. Eventually, they somehow come across an airplane sitting in the middle of the desert. Gus gets in the plane and flies away, leaving John and Marcie behind. Both Marcie and the car vanish. John wanders alone.

And then the movie really starts to get weird…

How weird? I mean weird as in a character finding a pyramid in the middle of the desert. I mean weird like a room where a woman dances in slow motion while a group of shadowy men applaud. I mean weird like a big floating head that taunts those below it…

I mean weird.

And here’s another odd thing about Project Nightmare. I’ve done a google search, I’ve read what it says on the imdb, and there is next to no information out there about how this film came to be. As I previously stated, the film was obviously made nearly a decade before it was actually released. Director Donald Jones served a director, writer, and editor on this and three other films but hasn’t had a film released since 1993. Meanwhile, the film’s cast is also similarly obscure.

Project Nightmare is an enigma. Everything about this film — from the obscure storyline to the miniscule budget to the unnatural dialogue to the stiff acting — comes together to create an otherworldly viewing experience. And that’s why you simply must watch it at least once! Whether it was meant to be or not, Project Nightmare is something of a surrealistic masterpiece.

And guess what?

It’s on YouTube!

Watch it now before it gets taken down.

The Daily Grindhouse: Samson vs. The Vampire Women (dir by Alfonso Corona Blake)

Posted on March 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Just a few hours ago, I gathered with my friends in the Late Night Movie Gang and we watched the classic Mexican “horror” film, Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (or, as it was released over here in the states, Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.) You’ll notice that I put the word horror in quotes because there was really nothing traditionally scary about Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.

The film opens with a bunch of vampire women waking up after being asleep for hundreds of years. When we first see the vampire women, they all look like they have really bad skin and could really use some moisturizer. However, once they drink some blood and say some magic words, they all suddenly look really pretty and they get to wear these really nice white dresses as well.

The queen of the vampires, Thorina (Lorena Valesquez), has been tasked with finding a bride for the Evil One and her pick is Diana (Maria Duval), who is the daughter of Prof. Orlof (Augusto Benedico). We know that Orlof is intelligent because he wears glasses, has a beard, and his English-language dialogue has been dubbed by an actor who has a deep, intellectual voice. However, despite being brilliant, Orlof is totally ineffectual when it comes to protecting his daughter from being turned into a vampire.

(Diana, we’re told, is on the verge of turning 21. She looks like she’s closer to 40.)

And, of course, we get all of the things that you would expect from a low-budget, black-and-white vampire movie. Bats fly by on strings. Whenever Thorina needs to hypnotize someone, we get a closeup of her eyes. Whenever the sun shines, all of the vampires scream and run out of the room. It’s all pretty typical and, as a result, not particularly scary.

What is scary, however, is the man who Orlof summons to protect his daughter. Not only can Samson (played by real-life Mexican wrestler Santo) fight vampires and communicate with people via television but he’s a professional wrestler as well! In fact, Diana would probably have nothing to worry about if not for the fact that Samson has to balance protecting her with his lucrative wrestling career.

What I’m saying here is that there’s a lot of wrestling in Samson vs. The Vampire Women. Not only does Samson wrestle with vampires but he also wrestles with ordinary, every day wrestlers. Even when he’s not wrestling, Samson runs around in his wrestling outfit — mask, cape, manties, and bulge.

(Oddly enough, none of the vampire women ever think to maybe kick Samson in that bulge, which is probably what I would do if I was ever suddenly approached by someone dressed like Samson…)

Now, I know what you’re wondering. And the answer is no. We never get to see what Samson looks like under the mask. I assume that he looked like Jack Black but who knows for sure?

Anyway, Samson vs. The Vampire Women is probably one of those films that everyone should see at least once, if just because that way you won’t be left out of any inside jokes that may develop between your friends once they’ve actually experienced it for themselves. It’s not a particularly good film but it’s certainly an odd one and there’s definitely something to be said for that.

You can watch it below!