Command 5 (1985, directed by E.W. Swackhamer)

Posted on April 8, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

Morgan (Stephen Parr) is a mysterious government operative who puts together a special paramilitary force to take on extreme threats. He says that only misfits are allowed to join his group because they have the edge he needs. Smith (William Russ) is a wild Texan who drives like a maniac. Psychiatrist Winslow (Sonja Smits) can fire an Uzi better than any man. Kowalski (John Matuszak) is a demolitions expert who listens to Beethoven. Jack Coburn (Wings Hauser) is a rebellious detective who is good with a throwing knife.

After a montage of their extensive training and a scene where our heroes take a look at the bullet-proof RV that they’ll be traveling the country in, the movie finally gets down to business. A motorcycle-riding terror cult led by Delgado (Gregory Sierra) has taken an entire town hostage and is threatening to kill everyone unless they’re given a flight out of the country. Our heroes drive their bulletproof van into town and try to defeat the bad guys. There’s one good scene where the RV is driving down the town’s main street and getting hit nonstop with bullets. The scene was obviously ripped off from the end of Clint Eastwood’s The Gauntlet but it’s still exciting to watch. Otherwise, the action in this one is pretty rudimentary.

I guess Command 5 was supposed to be a pilot for television show that never went into production. It is very much a television production. There’s a lot of shooting but no blood. Wings Hauser is less dangerous than usual. The whole thing ends with Command 5 looking forward to adventures that were never to come. Watching the pilot, you can see why it never became a show. The characters were all thinly-written and never seemed to have much of a connection with each other and Hauser and Russ both seemed to be competing to be the loose cannon of the group. This one is for Wings Hauser completists only.

FROM NOON TILL THREE (1976) – Charles Bronson, the comedian??!

Posted on January 2, 2025 by Bradley Crain

During the height of his popularity in 1976, Charles Bronson tried something quite different with this romantic comedy costarring his wife Jill Ireland. And to be honest, he’s darn funny in the role. This movie has grown on me over the years.

Bronson plays Graham Dorsey, a bank robber who spends an afternoon with the lonely widow Amanda Starbuck (Ireland) while his gang is robbing a bank in town. After his gang is all killed during the robbery, Dorsey must take off and go into hiding, eventually being arrested for impersonating a quack dentist. While he’s in jail, and through a variety of circumstances, a book is written about their afternoon together and it becomes an international sensation. As soon as Dorsey gets out of jail, he goes back to Starbuck’s home to rekindle their affair. Unfortunately for Dorsey, the book has created such a legend of him and their affair that Ms. Starbuck doesn’t even recognize the man he really is. His method of convincing her that he’s the “real” Graham Dorsey is the funniest moment in Bronson’s entire filmography.

Charles Bronson & Jill Ireland are clearly having a wonderful time making this movie together, which is one of the main reasons I enjoy the film. He may not have done it often, but Bronson could play comedy and he’s excellent in this film cast completely against his normal type. Jill Ireland is also very good as the widow Starbuck and her rendition of the song “Hello and Goodbye” was even nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Song. We had the privilege of interviewing Jill Ireland’s niece, Lindsay Ireland, and she told us of singing this song with her aunt Jill and her cousin when she would spend summers with them in Vermont in the 70’s. It’s so fun for me to hear firsthand about those times when the Bronson’s were one of the biggest celebrity couples of the world! The best part, Bronson valued his time with his family over anything else. They were everything to him.

**BONUS CONTENT** – I’ve included a link to the “This Week in Charles Bronson” podcast episode where Lindsay Ireland describes her time with her aunt Jill Ireland, and how they would sing “Hello & Goodbye,” the song that was in FROM NOON TILL THREE, while they were driving down the roads in Vermont. It’s a really nice insight into Jill Ireland.

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Don’t Answer The Phone (dir by Robert Hammer)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nicholas Worth in Don’t Answer The Phone

AGCK!

As a self-described lover of grindhouse and exploitation films, I have seen my share of truly icky films. But Don’t Answer The Phone, a 1980 mix of police procedural and serial killer horror, is in a class all by itself. It is not only exceptionally icky but it’s distressingly effective as well.

After I watched Don’t Answer The Phone, I actually checked to make sure all the doors were locked. Before I got into bed, I searched all the closets to make sure there wasn’t anyone hiding in there. And, as I fell asleep, I found myself thinking that maybe I should follow the advise of both Arleigh and my sister. Maybe it was time for me to finally get a gun of my own and learn how to use it.

Seriously, Bowman, I thought as I waited for sleep to come, you live in Texas. It’s totally legal to carry a gun down here so you need to take advantage of the law and make you’re ready to blow any pervert losers away! Even if you shot the wrong person, you’re cute. The jury would never convict…

That’s the type of effect that Don’t Answer The Phone had on me. It’s not necessarily a good film. With one notable (and important) exception, most of the acting is terrible. The film’s few attempts at intentional humor largely fall flat. Even with a running time of only 94 minutes, Don’t Answer The Phone feels overlong and full of unneeded padding. And yet, this is a very effective film. It did freak me out, largely because it was so crude and heartless. It strikes at the most primal fears of the viewer, that feeling that — even within the security of our own home — we may not truly be safe.

As Don’t Answer The Phone opens, Los Angeles is a city being stalked by a madman. That, in itself, is not surprising. Just taking a quick look at Wikipedia will reveal that Los Angeles has been home to a large number of serial killers. In fact, if there is anything shocking about Don’t Answer The Phone, it’s the suggestion that Kirk Smith (played by Nicholas Worth) is the only serial killer in town.

Who is Kirk Smith? He’s an overweight, bald photographer who always wears an army jacket and is obsessed with candles, body building, and strangulation. He also enjoys calling up a local talk show host, Dr. Linsday Gale (Flo Gerrish). (One wonders if Dr. Gale’s name was specifically meant to make the viewer think of The Wizard of Oz.) “Hello,” he says in an outrageously fake accent, “this Ramon!” He tells Dr. Gale that he has frequent headaches and bad urges. When he’s not pretending to be Ramon, Kirk can usually be found staring at himself in a mirror and yelling, “Do I measure up, Dad!?”

Kirk is killing women across Los Angeles and it looks like he might never be caught because Don’t Answer The Phone features some of the most incompetent cops ever! These are the type of cops who smirk at the victims and shoot anyone who doesn’t get on the ground fast enough. These are the type of cops who open fire and then say, “Adios, creep.” Civil liberties!? BLEH, THESE COPS DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Of course, they do end up shooting and killing the only witness who can identify Kirk Smith as the murderer. Whoops!

If there’s anything that sets Don’t Answer The Phone apart from all the other serial killer films, it’s the performance of Nicholas Worth. Far more than the slick and erudite serial killers who dominate contemporary thrillers, Nicholas Worth is a frighteningly believable lunatic. He’s scary because we’ve all seen his type wandering the streets. We’ve all felt his stare linger for a few seconds too long and we’ve all had the same feeling of dread when we saw him approaching us. Reportedly, Worth did a lot of research on actual serial killers before taking on the role of Kirk Smith and his performance is terrifying because it is so real.

It’s icky to watch but, at the same time, it do serve to remind us that there are real life Kirk Smiths out there.

Agck! Seriously, it makes me shake just thinking about it.

I’m getting a gun…