Film Review: The Preppie Connection (dir by Joseph Castelo)

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Preppie Connection, which is currently playing On Demand and in limited release, has got a 0% rating at Rotten Tomatoes. That seems a little bit harsh to me. I mean, The Preppie Connection isn’t exactly a good movie but it’s still not a disaster. It’s main sin is that it’s generic and forgettable and squanders a potentially interesting story. That’s definitely not a good thing but still, The Preppie Connection is still better than some of the other films that currently have a zero score on Rotten Tomatoes. The Preppie Connection may not be great but it’s still better than Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star and A Thousand Words.

0%?

Not hardly.

More like 25%.

Anyway, The Preppie Connection is apparently based on a true story. Tobias Hammel (Thomas Mann) is a poor kid who wins a scholarship to an exclusive private school. At first, Tobias struggles to fit in. He doesn’t know how to relate to his wealthy classmates and he’s embarrassed when his friends from the old neighborhood show up on campus. When he is instructed to sign a 200 year-old book, he accidentally knocks the book to the floor. As a result, the other students beat him up.

Fortunately, for Tobias, everyone assumes that — since he’s poor — he’ll be able to get them drugs. At first, everyone is satisfied with weed but, since this movie is taking place in the 80s, everyone soon starts to pressure Tobias to get them cocaine. Fortunately (and conveniently), Tobias has befriended the son of the Colombian ambassador. Soon, Tobias is making regular trips to Colombia and returning with bags of cocaine hidden away in his travel bag.

Usually, I love films about wealthy drug addicts. There’s usually a few good scenes of drug-fueled decadence and, since they’re rich, everyone’s usually dressed nicely. But no… sorry. The Preppie Connection just doesn’t work. Visually, the film is flat and, even worse, it appears that the budget was too low to be able to afford the rights to any period music. I was hoping to hear at least a few classic 80s songs but instead, the film only offered some generic synthesizer-fueled music.

Speaking of generic, Thomas Mann narrates nearly the entire film and it’s some of the most vapid narration that I’ve ever heard. I mean, I understand that everyone loves Goodfellas and Casino but that doesn’t mean that every period gangster film has to feature nonstop narration.

Ultimately, The Preppie Connection is such an incredibly forgettable film that I really can’t even come up with more than 400 words to type about it. That said, Logan Huffman and Lucy Fry both give good performances as two of Tobias’s customers and they’re good enough to bump the film up to at least a score of 25 out of 100.

Take that, Rotten Tomatoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08zWIQ2izWI

Hallmark Review: All Things Valentine (2016, dir. Gary Harvey)

Posted on February 4, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Sorry I’ve been gone for a few days, but it’s been pretty horrible here. No worries though because I come bearing All Things Valentine. All Things Valentine is a film that on the surface appears to be just a reworked version of Love On The Air, but is actually pretty messed up. For those of you who don’t recall, Love On The Air was the movie where two idiots on the radio fall in love with each other over #NotAllMen and #YesAllWomen statements they make on the radio. Not my favorite, but at least it didn’t do what this film does.

The film opens up with that super generic title card that at least looks better than the ones for Unleashing Mr. Darcy and Dater’s Handbook. Then we are introduced to Avery Parker played by Sarah Rafferty. I guess that makes two Hallmark movies where the actresses are from the USA show Suits since Dater’s Handbook had Meghan Markle in it.

Poor Avery was really happy as she was walking around in red, carrying a gift, and balloons, but then saw her boyfriend kissing another girl. Instead of confronting him or anything, she just goes home to pout. Then we get a shot of a dog she owns. Can’t say I’ve seen a dog with a nose like that.

And yes Hallmark, I am excited about your upcoming cannibal Valentine’s Day movie. If somebody doesn’t get eaten then I am going to be very disappointed by your deceptive title. Now we find out that Avery works for The Portland Banner as a Dear Abby type called “The Coach”. Her column is called “Consult The Coach”. Here’s the letter that just came in:

Now we meet the person who wrote the letter named McKenna played by Kimberly Sustad. Sadly, Superman from The Nine Lives Of Christmas isn’t here to save her.

Here’s the response she receives from The Coach:

So her letter said that she kept bringing up Valentine’s Day, but that it didn’t seem important to him. The Coach’s advice is that “his insensitivity suggests the kind of man he is. Not someone you should trust with your heart.” Based on the letters I don’t think there is trust in this relationship at all. Wouldn’t the right advice be to stop being cryptic and actually just tell him? Being cryptic then being sad because the other person didn’t figure it out is your problem, not there’s. She actually will do this later and the film will rub it in her face.

Now Avery goes to work and her boss suddenly springs on her this idea for a series of Valentine’s Day related columns. Avery tells her how she isn’t the right person for this, that she doesn’t like Valentine’s Day, etc. Didn’t think of this just a little while ago when she dispensed advice about Valentine’s Day to McKenna, but now this comes out. I know she couched it with “I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day”, but come on! How many of us have read Internet comments that started with I’m not racist or homophobic, but then launch into something blatantly racist or homophobic? Her boss tells her not to worry because it wouldn’t really be you writing the columns, but you’d be pretending to be someone who likes this holiday. Oh, that’s nice! Her boss is telling her to be a liar. Let’s go to dinner now!

That’s right! McKenna is going to dump her boyfriend Brendan Bates played by Sam Page. I love this conversation because McKenna ceases to think for herself and basically quotes verbatim the turd The Coach sent her calling it advice. He reminds her that the very reason they are out at dinner right now is because he knows he won’t be able to be there on Valentine’s Day, but she doesn’t listen. He is just kicked to the curb.

So let’s see what we have so far. We have a woman who has the maturity of a 12 year-old. A boss who tells her to lie to people in an advice column. We have a woman who probably would think poison would be in her Valentine’s Day candies if an anonymous person online told her that. Wait, sorry, that was Ann Landers and Dear Abby that did that convincing people poison and razor blades might be in their child’s candy. The Coach would never give bad advice even though the scene that follows her giving said advice has her saying she shouldn’t write that stuff because she is biased. Then we have a guy who knew that he would have to work on Valentine’s Day so he made sure to take her out when he could. Fine, but watch what the movie does to this person whose relationship was ruined and what they do to the person who ruined it. That’s why this film is messed up.

Next we meet Brendan’s best friend and McKenna’s best friend who she works with at a bakery. They exist in this story to be a charming subplot on the surface, but really are there to just rub it into McKenna’s face even more. Yes, she will have a conversation with her blonde friend here to try and set us up for the ending. Still not going to work for Hallmark though. If this movie could have ended with none of the main characters together, then it could have worked, but it’s Hallmark so that can’t happen. Yeah, I think you can see what’s coming, can’t you?

Now we find out that Brendan is a vet. And wouldn’t you know it? Avery comes in with her dog that is now sick. Oh, but just before, Brendan fires off an angry letter to The Coach as Bench The Coach. Then the lovers meet, and they start dating.

I’ve teased it enough. This movie is going to reward this woman for destroying this other’s woman’s life by giving her this guy and delivering an even better guy to her blonde friend leaving McKenna twisting in the wind. No joke. Oh, the writer J.B. White tries to put in a scene here and there so we are properly couched for this ending, but nope. This would be like if Chilly Scenes Of Winter (1979) stuck with it’s original ending and rewarded John Heard for all his stalking by having him end up with the girl. That’s what happens here.

I probably should stop now, but can you believe this situation is made even worse. Yeah, McKenna actually has a conversation with Brendan where she says that the Bench The Coach letters to The Coach have caused her to reconsider what she did. He not only brushes her off, but apparently has a date with The Coach on Valentine’s Day. The very day he said earlier he couldn’t do anything on.

So in case we thought this might actually be a decent guy and were rooting for him, the movie gives us a reason to hate him. Yep!

The rest of the story plays out with Brendan and Avery getting closer and closer together while Brendan’s friend builds and builds up his courage to finally tell the blonde he is head over heels in love with her.

Near the end of the movie McKenna and Avery actually do have a conversation with each other about the whole situation. McKenna told Avery that Brendan was the guy who was sending her Coach persona those letters as Bench The Coach. They have a conversation that really tries to justify the ending by having McKenna reach out in a heart to heart with Avery.

The movie so wants this to work, but it doesn’t. J.B. White has written some of the better Hallmark movies I’ve seen such as Lead With Your Heart. He obviously wanted to avoid the childish and contrived plots that usually riddle these Hallmark films and shoot for the stars with this one. The movie ends with blonde and Brendan’s friend getting together right in front of McKenna, Brendan and Avery getting together, and this being the last shot of McKenna that we get.

Looks happy, doesn’t she? This simply wasn’t a plot that the Hallmark template could handle. The movie needed to end with only the blonde and Brendan’s friend getting together. The two worst people in the story end up happy together and the person who was lied to by both of those people is left alone with no one. Neither Avery nor Brendan learn lessons about hiding behind anonymity because doing so gets them together and heals Avery’s wounds associated with Valentine’s Day. This just wasn’t the right script for Hallmark. I actually kind of encourage you to watch it because White was certainly trying here for something adult and mature, but you’ll find that it doesn’t quite work because of the Hallmark romance movie framework that he just couldn’t break so strongly.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Caught (dir by Maggie Kiley)

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Since I’m still in the process of recovering from my sprained foot, I am spending today at home. And I have to tell you that this whole resting and taking it easy thing is starting to drive me crazy! Other than a very short police standoff in Arlington, there was absolutely nothing interesting on TV this afternoon. So, in an effort to stave off impending boredom, I decided to continue cleaning out my DVR.

I just finished watching Caught, a film which made its Lifetime premiere on November 7th. (I missed it because I was out celebrating my upcoming birthday with my friends in the SBS. Sexy Bitch Squad Forever!!!) Much like Stockholm, Pennsylvania, Caught was originally meant to be a theatrical release. It played at a few film festivals earlier this year until it was finally picked up by Lifetime.

And watching Caught, it’s easy to see why it ended up going straight to television. It’s not that Caught is a bad movie (especially when compared to the turgid mess that was Stockholm, Pennsylvania). It’s just that there’s nothing really cinematic about Caught. There’s no one moment or scene that makes you think, “I really wish I could see this on a big screen.” From the start, Caught feels as if it was tailor-made for Lifetime and that’s where it belongs.

And again, that’s not a criticism. I’ve lost track of how many of them that I’ve reviewed on this site but, by now, you should have no doubt that I happen to like Lifetime movies.

Caught opens with teenager Allie (Stefanie Scott) having a bad day. Because she’s failing some of her classes, she’s been kicked off the school’s track team. When she’s not sleeping through class or going for a run, Allie works at a resteraunt, where her boss just happens to be her mother (Mary B. McCann). After a day of dealing with bad grades and rude customers, Allie is looking forward to continuing her affair with the much older, Justin (Sam Page). However, once Allie’s mom meets Justin, she declares that she no longer wants Allie to see him.

And then, to top it all off, Allie gets kidnapped and ends up chained to a chair in an attic.

Who has kidnapped Allie? Well, judging from such previous Lifetime movies as The Bride He Bought Online and Stolen From The Suburbs, the obvious answer would be the Russian Mafia but, in Allie’s case, the obvious answer is wrong. Instead, she has been kidnapped by two sisters who aren’t really sure what they’re planning on doing with her. The younger of the two, Paige (Amelia Rose Blaire), is a shy introvert who starts to have second thoughts almost immediately. The older sister is Sabrina (Anna Camp). Sabrina masterminded the abduction. Sabrina also happens to be married to Justin…

Now, I have to admit, that I had my doubts when this movie started. Allie seemed like such a boring character that it was difficult for me to get emotionally invested in … well, in anything that she was involved with. When her coach told her she was off the team, I thought to myself, “You should have paid attention in class.” When her mom yelled at her for being late to work, I thought to myself, “I’m glad that I’ve never had to really work hard for a living.” And when Justin showed up, I shrugged and thought, “Why wouldn’t the two most boring people on Earth be drawn to each other?”

But then Allie got kidnapped and I quickly realized that Allie’s blandness may have very well been intentional. Because, ultimately, Caught is not about Allie. Instead, Caught is totally about Sabrina and, even more importantly, it’s about Anna Camp’s thoroughly wonderful performance in the lead role. Sabrina is totally batshit insane and Camp has a lot of fun playing that aspect of her personality. And, because she is so insane and so neurotic about trying to hide that fact, Sabrina is also the only interesting person in the entire movie. Throughout Caught, she struggles so hard to keep the kidnapping from going wrong that it’s hard not to sympathize with her. It didn’t matter what happened, I found myself on Sabrina’s side. Really, I found myself thinking, Sabrina just killed a cop? Well, maybe he shouldn’t have insisted on trying to search the house even after she told him it wasn’t necessary! Oh, did Sabrina just threaten to kill someone else? Well, maybe everyone just needs to get off her back, y’know!? Sabrina’s like a suburban hostess watching in terror as a drunk uncle and an out-of-control pre-schooler team up to destroy her dinner party. It’s up to her to somehow clean up the mess while continually to assure all of her guests that all is well, even when it obvious is not. Sabrina may say some hateful things during the movie but she always manages to say them all with a smile. Quite frankly, we could all learn a listen from Sabrina.

Once you realize that Caught is totally about Sabrina (and, even more importantly, totally about Anna Camp’s lead performance), it actually works fairly well.