Late Night Cable Movie Review: Wicked Deeds (2016, dir. Seth Kieffer)

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Wicked Deeds is much like Carnal Wishes (2015) in that it takes a familiar film noir and/or noirish elements and adds explicit sex. However, unlike Carnal Wishes, it screws up in my opinion. Also, I doubt that my review of Wicked Deeds will end up being a part of a political scandal like it was when Ted Cruz pulled that attack ad of his. She didn’t even have a sex scene in the movie, but only made a cameo appearance at the end of the film. That didn’t stop the law firm Rick Santorum once worked for from paying a visit to my review.

I’m not really surprised that somebody at K&L Gates looked at my review. What I am surprised at is that I didn’t do any hacking to get that image. I was looking at our site’s stat section when I saw a weird URL so I clicked on it. What should have just been an internal network message from some sort of edge router to the person coming to my review from a computer at the firm was actually at a publicly accessible URL. I’ve seen this one other time on another one of my late night cable reviews. I don’t know why ScanSafe thought this was a good idea.

I also don’t know why the filmmakers of Wicked Deeds thought it was a good idea to take an otherwise decent porno noir and extend the sex scenes so long that any pacing is broken. At least they were kind enough to give me a title card that I didn’t have to black box in any way.

The movie begins like slasher movies do. Except instead of someone getting killed, two people have sex. The two people are a married couple. She is named Kira (Anna Morna). Luckily, we are getting An Erotic Tale of Ms. Dracula (2014) Anna Morna rather than Lolita from Interstellar Space (2014) Anna Morna. The husband is Roy (Chad White). He too was in both An Erotic Tale of Ms. Dracula and Lolita from Interstellar Space. You may remember him as playing Van Helsing. I will give the sex scenes in this movie one thing. They tend to be more intimate and erotic, then the usual stuff you see. That’s why I don’t mind this opening sex scene so much, but them reusing the length of this scene for all of them, becomes a problem. This sex scene should have been the longest to establish intimacy between the married couple, while the later sex scenes should have gotten shorter and shorter to go along with the building of suspense in the film.

Something else to mention here is that this is another one of these that was shot by Lex Lynne Smith. So, no matter what, it is well shot for these movies. Usually that’s something you say almost as an insult to a film, but after seeing some of these shot on video sex late night cable movies like Monster of the Nudist Colony (2013), I mean it genuinely.

After they are finished, we get a scene almost like the one from Carnal Wishes. At the end of the married couple’s sex scene he just got up and left for a late night meeting. Here, we find out that he is going out of town to do some survey work. She kind of wants to come along, but he tells her that they both know she doesn’t like the jungle heat. She brings up that the hotel probably has a nice spa so that he has an excuse to bring up that he finally heard back from the handyman who is going to fix their spa. It’s not only part of the setup for the film, but also an obvious reference to the stereotype that all porn begins with a woman inviting over a pizza deliveryman for sex. She also mentions that she would feel more comfortable if she had a gun in the house also as a setup for something later in the film. He says absolutely not, and that having guns in the house means it’s just an accident waiting to happen. Funny how some these porno films seem to have more progressive politics than a lot of mainstream cinema.

Anyways, you can see that there is a gun in the house. It’s in his night table, but even having watched the whole film, I still don’t know if it was a gun he or she was keeping in secret. She wakes up to find that not only has her husband left a rose on his pillow for her, but the handyman named Derrick (Ryan McLane) has arrived. You may remember Ryan McLane as the toughest scientist to convert in Vixens from Venus (2016).

She goes back inside the house and receives a mysterious phone call asking her who the killer was in the first Friday the 13th movie. That, or something about telling her that her husband needs to stay out of Mexico. She tries to get in touch with him, but no such luck. She calls her sister-in-law Rose (Chanel Preston). She comes over to try and calm her down. I don’t know where you might know Chanel Preston from, but she did play Marilyn Chambers in Night at the Erotic Museum (2015). That reminds me that I will have to get around to reviewing Behind the Green Door (1972). Not because it was a landmark film of the genre, but because an early childhood friend of mine was the daughter of parents who managed the Mitchell brother’s empire. Neither of us was told by our parents till we were older.

Kira goes to take a shower or something and comes back to find this.

It’s another joke about the whole pizza deliveryman cliche. This is also where the film starts to get strange because Kira talks with her sister shortly afterwards and she denies it ever happened. At this point, Kira just chalks it up to her sister being embarrassed to have hooked up with a handyman she has never met before. But the weirdness doesn’t stop here. It only grows. I think it’s safe to say that the film is going for the Gaslight (1944) type thing here. It’s not really a spoiler because I am going to explain the whole thing anyways.

After talking with her sister, Kira lies down and appears to go to sleep. Then we are treated to a sex scene between her and the handyman. Interestingly, she wakes up suddenly from it in her bed rather than on the couch where she was lying down before the scene started or at the pool where the scene occurred. It goes without saying that she still can’t reach her husband.

Sis continues to try and calm her down, which is precisely why she invites her friend Tracy over so that actress Silvia Saige can get her fifth acting credit on IMDb. Once again, it’s a sex scene that goes on way too long. It’s there because it’s another thing that Kira needs to witness to further push her into a perceived insanity when everyone acts like it didn’t happen.

Even the pictures/video she takes with her not-iPhone will end up magically disappearing later on. After that scene finally ends, we get a reappearance of Mister New Jersey Show Me State from Scared Topless (2015). That being Billy Chappell making an appearance as another handyman there to fix the spa. He even has a text that he claims was sent by Kira to him.

Kira finds that the pictures are missing and everyone denies anything she has seen. She goes up to bed, which apparently means the couch where her husband appears out of nowhere.

The scene of course goes on too long again. The next morning she finds the rose on his pillow, but when she gets Roy on the phone he says he’s still in Mexico. Kira’s sister is very concerned and brings in a doctor played by Robert Baldwin.

It’s not likely, but you may have seen Baldwin in something like the Fred Olen Ray film Illicit Dreams 2 (1998). As you can see, he is very concerned for Kira. Again, she goes to sleep and again, she is visited for another sexual encounter. This time it’s the original handyman.

This is when things really start to spin out of control. I say that because even my iPad decided this scene needed a Dutch tilt.

Kira confronts the handyman about taking advantage of her while she was drugged by the doctor. She cuts him with a knife and he flees. She then tells her sister that she thinks she might have been raped. Then the handyman comes downstairs and doesn’t remember any of it. In fact, he’s not even cut.

Kira kicks both her sister and the handyman out of the house, but finds blood on the floor. She comes into her living room to head upstairs and sees the other handyman with Tracy.

This is a perfect example of why this film ultimately doesn’t work. This should immediately lead to her going upstairs to discover this.

This scene should also be followed immediately by her passing out and falling down the stairs, which then leads us to our dramatic reveal and ending. But in both cases, they lead to long sex scenes. It completely ruins the suspenseful atmosphere that should be present in this part of the film. It leads me to believe that on the one hand they wanted to do this Gaslight style story, but on the other hand they were obligated to have a certain number of sex scenes that were required to be of a certain length. It’s like watching an action movie where foot or car chases go on so long that you are no longer caught up in the moment. Too bad cause I like the ending.

It turns out that the husband and the sister-in-law arranged this whole thing to drive Kira crazy. The doctor even performed ECT on her. The idea was that the only way Roy could get around the prenup that Kira’s brother had him sign was to get her committed.

But what about that gun from earlier?

Cut to black, and we hear gunshots.

If they had just trimmed down the sex scenes so that they moved from long and intimate to short almost glimpses as her mind spiraled more out of control, then this could have been one of the best of these I’ve seen so far. Sadly, it doesn’t do that. It’s one of these films that I call a missed opportunity.

Late Night Cable Sci-Fi Review: Vixens From Venus (2016, dir. Sal V. Miers)

Posted on May 7, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Finally, I’ve reached the last one of the Sal V. Miers late night cable movies currently available. This is the second best one after Bikini Model Mayhem (2016). Again, Miers politics are all over this one like they were in Bikini Model Mayhem. He also added some of his love for Old Hollywood into the mix. Let’s dig in.

After another one of those annoying title cards that I had to black box, we are introduced to one of our main characters and a guy who will disappear as fast as he did Bikini Model Mayhem.

That’s Officer Supansky on the right. He’s played by Robbie Carroll who needed to be convinced to support G.W. Bushwacker in Bikini Model Mayhem. On the left is Felicity who is played by Katie Morgan. You may remember her as playing the first robot we were introduced to in Bikini Model Mayhem and the warden in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016). This film is much more of an ensemble cast movie than Bikini Model Mayhem or Bad Girls Behind Bars. He is not actually revealed to be a cop quite yet. He is here to hire her for a whopping $50. She doesn’t think that’s enough. I’m pretty sure what he does next would be considered entrapment. He strips butt naked. That apparently makes things totally different for her. Of course we can’t see that for no good reason except this is late night cable. In fact, just after she goes in with her mouth, it cuts to the outside of the building. Then it goes back inside for the standard game of hide the penis while the guy stays in a Zen like trance and either the girl goes over the top or tries to match his intensity. I believe this is the only time I’ve seen the male actors sweat, or at least appear to sweat. Once that business is over with he proves himself to be the dick they can show.

No seriously, his full name is Dick Supansky. Then I learn another interesting phrase from a Miers’ movie. According to her, he “got his ashes hauled.” I still prefer the burping of the worm joke from Bad Girls Behind Bars. He offers her an alternative to going to jail. She can go participate in a ridiculous plot so the movie can make a political statement instead of having to serve time. She of course takes his offer instead of jail because we already had that movie.

Before we get to find out what she is going to have to do, we are introduced to a character that honestly had me worried. I know having a character who has “cognitive disabilities” didn’t stop the movie Forrest Gump (1994) from him having sex. Regardless, it had me worried, but there’s a payoff to this.

That’s Charlie played by Brandon C. Greene. He works as the janitor at a science facility. In the end, it’s his film as he slowly but surely emerges from the background.

From right to left that’s easy to manipulate (Otto Bauer), harder to manipulate (Pristine Edge), and hardest to manipulate (Ryan McLane). Pristine Edge. I like that one. I also like that if you change Otto and Ryan to Jack and John, then you get Jack Bauer and John McLane.

Next we meet the two ladies who will be joining Felicity.

That’s Piper on the left played by Erika Jordan and Violet in the middle played by Dillion Harper. We find out that 18 months prior, the scientists made contact with aliens from Venus because of course they did. Also because of course they did, they want to use a mind transfer device to put three people from Venus in their bodies. Felicity is a little confused. Not as confused as Violet though since she thought the scientists meant they would baking cookies to host a party for the people from Venus. Felicity wonders why the three of them are ideal candidates. I mean she’s a hooker, Piper is a drug runner, and Violet jaywalked after she robbed a liquor store. The scientists explain the deal. First, they don’t have much choice. Two, the people from Venus insisted on attractive women. Felicity still thinks this is weird, but I know this would seal the deal for me.

That’s a face you can trust. However, they aren’t convinced yet. That’s when they leave the lab set of Bikini Model Mayhem to talk outside of what looks like a house painted blue. Let’s get the political commentary in here now. Felicity says it sounds scary, Violet says “they are scientists”, Felicity says “What does that have to do with anything?”, and Piper asks her if she is a Republican.

Time for Old Hollywood. Felicity says it all seems a little too Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948). Violet says Freaky Friday. I think we can safely say she is referring to the Lindsay Lohan version considering Felicity responds with “there’s no accounting for taste.” It’s sad, but I haven’t seen either version or Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. No, they don’t make the joke at the start of a sex scene about Who’s On First.

Anyhow, they decide to do it so Piper steps inside of a shower…

and emerges as Zorax. Felicity becomes Zonondor. Violet becomes Zimbabwe. The movie is on auto-pilot now. The three visitors from Venus are here to drain the scientists of their smarts via an orgasm, or the “little death” as they call it. They aren’t really worried about the male ones, which is why they insisted on attractive women to be their hosts. They didn’t know that “one of the greatest minds on Earth” could be female based on their “survey of Earth’s popular culture.” Zorax says this, to which Zonondor corrects her that this was true “at least, not up until the 1960’s.” Very true. We didn’t even get Space Mutiny till 1988 and the MST3K episode on it till 1997.

David Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea Jansen: Doctor!
David Ryder: Doctor!
Crow: Doctor Lady!

Also, harder to manipulate must have been bisexual as all women in late night cable movies are because it just takes Zorax saying she saw a spider for her to be all over her. They are also bisexual presumedly because that stuff is much easier than playing hide the sausage from the camera. The hardest to manipulate is that way because he and hard to manipulate are an item. He eventually caves in and is turned into a blabbering idiot like his colleagues.

During all of this, Charlie has become more and more of a prominent character as he finds a pair of panties and notices these very smart people he works around are acting like children. He’s onto the visitors from Venus. He has a nice little conversation with the ladies. He explains that he knows he’s not the smartest person around. He knows he’s stuck taking care of the scientists since the universe of this movie stops at the edge of the set. They tell him smarts aren’t everything. He tells them that it’s still helpful. He’s also not 100% convinced that these visitors really are doing this for the greater good to prevent Earth from coming after Venus. He explains that the scientists could have done great things, but now they are helpless. Ultimately, he proposes that while he believes they could have focused their smarts on problems at home instead of space exploration, why not leave their smarts with him. The visitors had already made it clear that the smarts they got from the scientists were really of no use to them.

Of course his argument is solid and so is another part of him because that’s the only way the transfer is going to work.

With the ladies given their bodies back, they depart to leave Charlie to get to work. Oh, but before Felicity leaves, she actually offers her services to Charlie who says he already had that while she was out. Charlie decides to roll up his sleeves and get to work.

So, let’s say you strip out all of the sex from this movie. You have three white scientists who are interested in exploring space. Three women are given a chance to be a plot device instead of going to jail. One of which was arrested by a cop who took advantage of her because according to him: “I can.” Three visitors from Venus come to Earth because they believe these three white scientists are going to use their intelligence to ultimately attack them. They deliberately insist on attractive female bodies because they are convinced by Earth’s popular culture that the scientists can only be straight men. They drain the three scientists of their smarts. A lightly mentally handicapped black man figures them out. He convinces them to give him their smarts with the concession that he’ll focus on problems here on Earth. Interesting.

Then just like Bad Girls Behind Bars, we get a blooper reel. It’s far more complete though. The only part of it that is noteworthy is when you can hear Miers speaking. Miers says, “I’m rolling sound…unlike when I started in this business. Buster Keaton, he was, he was great.”