Nick Antosca | Through the Shattered Lens

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Challenges for mankind to endure: Chlamydia, Explosive Diarrhea, Channel Zero. I’m not writing that Channel Zero is identical to chlamydia; to get chlamydia, you needed to have fun at least once.

Open: Jessica is exsanguinating in a kiddie pool.

Marla’s House: Marla is being pretty nice to her son and granddaughter. Mike looks like Hell and he goes to the bathroom to see that there is a tooth growing out of his upper gums. The episode goes downhill from here, but stick with me and we can get through this together.

Mike’s Wife arrives and it’s very banal. It’s not like anything happened like his creepy brother Eddie Stabbypants was possessing Lilly! Then, Amy shows up and breaks the meh news that Jessica is stabbed to death.

The Station: Deputy orders an APB for Tooth Teacher, leaving her understaffed. However, Amy’s manpower issue creates a good contrived plot point. I can’t imagine why she did an APB; everyone in this town is pretty ok with stabbing and being stabbed. They should really include their stabbiness at the Chamber of Commerce Visitor’s Center.

Mike decides that he wants to go to Tooth Teacher’s house. Amy can’t spare any cops; so, the obvious choice is Gary who is grieving his wife’s murder and kidnapped Mike. Fine. They arrive and look around Tooth Teacher’s home and find some ersatz Candle Cove props. Tooth Teacher calls Mike and convinces him to see her alone at a random location. He goes because fine.

Dork Deputy is assigned to find Mike. Dork Deputy is able to find Mike easily somehow. When he finds Mike, he is talked into waiting alone for Mike because this would make sense someway. Shit, I forgot to take my stupid pills before watching this show. Quick, just hit me with a fucking hammer in the head. Don’t hold back. WHAM!!! AHHHHHHHH. Dork Deputy is promptly stabbed by Tooth Teacher who is dressed in an almost certainly Value Village/Goodwill purchased costume. For some reason, Mike takes a nap and a has dream sequence with him as a marionette. Really…I mean…Really, this scene was written and filmed … on purpose.

Tooth Teacher shows up at Mike’s house and INSISTS that he and his mom eat pie. He looks like shit. We learn that Eddie is very powerful and created Candle Cove. In the past, the Tooth Teacher was having a seizure and Eddie relieved Tooth Teacher of a seizure, making her a permanent disciple. As a good cult member, she let Eddie kill her only son because that’s what people do. Tooth Teach explains that Eddie is slowly possessing Mike now. All of this was over only ONE slice of pie. I think she should’ve thrown in some ice cream or fruit. It’s clear that the gross tooth is a possession tooth.

Mike’s response is to be aaaaaa dennnnnntist [sung] and pulls the Possession Tooth out.

A motel: Lilly is with her mom at a hotel and then ends up in the TV in Candle Cove somehow. Roll Credits.

This was pretty par for Channel Zero. They tried to build suspense and it was just boring.

CHANNEL ZERO: CANDLE COVE — “Guest of Honor” Episode 105 — Pictured: Jawbone — (Photo by: Allen Fraser/Syfy)

Gentle Readers, it’s time to take a break from my stand alone film reviews and get something we can all sink our Teeth Into (you’ll get the pun later). It’s the Syfy Channel’s return to their awesomely dramatic roots. I will begin by writing that they delivered! If you dig suspense, good writing, and intricate plots, this show is not a bad bet.

Cold Open: A nightmare. Mike Painter, America’s Child Psychologist, is being interviewed by an asshole. The host pries deep into Mike’s private life and how his twin brother disappeared, several children were murdered in 1988, his blood type, and pictures of his colon – ok the last two were false, but the interviewer is a jerk. The host gives Mike water that has a dying fly in it. He puts Mike on the spot to talk to a creepy kid on the phone… who says “Why are you afraid to go home?” Then, the cameraman is a mannequin. What we got here is an unreliable narrator. We smash to the first of many odd smash cuts: a scarecrow on fire.

Mike heads home and briefly talks to his mom. She’s concerned that he is looking into the murders. He lies and says no. Mike goes to the Sheriff’s office and it’s a bit of exposition time, but not too bad. We learn that Mike’s buddy has become Sheriff and that the Sheriff’s son is a bit of a misfit. Mike wants the files on the murders. Mike dissembles that he’s writing a book about the murders. Sheriff wants to makes sure the book will be respectful and mentions that the victims were missing their teeth. YEECH! Sheriff is worried that his son is a weirdo and offers to trade files for some free psychoanalysis…. as you do. We also get a clue as to weirdness: there are reports of a person breaking into homes, but not stealing anything. Yikes!

Dinner Party: They discuss how the kids are watching too much tv. Mike checks in on Katie – the Sheriff’s daughter – who is watching a creepy puppet show. Mike mentions this when he returns to the dinner table. The show was called Candle Cove. The same show that they watched as children in 1988. It has a super creepy host called Jawbone – a puppet skeleton. The adults discuss the show some more and Mike leaves abruptly.

Mike has a flashback to bullies messing with his brother and he does nothing. They go home and the tv turns on and it’s the creepy puppet show Candle Cove. This show really ratchets up the creep factor. Seriously, you will be scared. We flashback back to Mike’s childhood room. He wakes and sees Jawbone in his room and Mike approaches him. When he touches Jawbone, he wakes in a field looking out at the woods. He notices a man in the woods as well.

Diner: Mike runs into his old English teacher and she quizzes him on grammar. We cut away to Katie’s room. She’s vanished. This show’s creep factor really goes up and up and up. A search party forms to look for Katie. Katie’s mom Jessica confronts Mike because she’s learned that he was not home for five hours the previous night. We learn that he was in psych ward a week ago. He begins to rave that it’s the show that somehow took Katie away. She rationally calls for help and he disappears. Mike is convinced that he can find Katie.

Mike goes to the Sheriff’s house and sees Dane the Sheriff’s son. Dane says, “She said you would ask” Taking a moment. This is becoming The Ring, Ju-on, When a Stranger Calls levels of creepy. Mike is convinced that he knows where Katie is. He flees into the woods towards a place called “Crow’s Nest”. We see a number of cutaways of burying bodies and hooks to the chest. Yep, hooks to the chest.

Mike sees Jawbone and reaches to touch it. Jawbone flees and leads him to Katie. Mike rescues Katie and when they leave, we see the MONSTER: a Thing Covered in Teeth. The Tooth Monster reaches out where Katie was sitting and takes away two bloody teeth. You wanna be scared, watch this series!

They have thrown Mike in jail because he rescued Katie…come again? Well, he’s in jail and gets released. When he gets home, he mentions Candle Cove to his mom. She responds that show was just static. We cut to all of the children of the town watching Candle Cove.

This show is absolute gooseflesh inducing. Where Stranger Things was dripping with nostalgia and gothic horror, Channel Zero taps into sheer Hitchcock suspense and Rod Serling terror. It’s a great show for October and just a great Thriller!