Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.16 “Perchance to Dream”

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, it’s all about dreams!

Episode 2.16 “Perchance to Dream”

(Dir by Paul Boyington, originally aired on February 4th, 1990)

Alex (Raphael Sbarge) is a college student whose dorm room has become one wild place. Blood continually drips from a chair. A subway train occasionally roars past the window. A giant nun peeks in on him and tries to swat him with a ruler. These are all images that Alex used to see in his dreams but now, they’re entering his waking world and what’s really strange is that everyone else can see them too. His subconscious has become reality.

Thinking that it might have something to do with a recent mugging in which Alex struck his head and apparently lost the ability to sleep, Alex’s girlfriend, Megan (Sarah Buxton), asks Kyle (Kenneth Danziger), an expert on dreams, for help. Arriving at Alex’s dorm room just in time to save Alex from the nun and her ruler, Kyle theorizes that, because Alex isn’t sleeping, he’s projecting his dreams into the real world. The only solution is for Alex and Megan to enter a portal that leads them straight into Alex’s subconscious. If Alex can find his dream self, he can finally get some rest. Of course, Alex and Megan will have to avoid and defeat a series of trains, muggers, and nuns to accomplish their task.

This episode is entertainingly goofy. It was obviously inspired by the popularity of the Nightmare on Elm Street films but the monster here is not a wisecracking killer like Freddy Krueger but instead, it’s just Alex’s bad childhood memories and the trauma of having been mugged. As I watched this episode, I was impressed that Monsters tried to do something different than usual but I was also very aware that 20 minutes was not enough time to tell the story that this episode wanted to tell. For this episode to really work, the viewer would have to feel a deep connection to Alex. Raphael Sbarge gives a likable performance as Alex and he has a really cute chemistry with Sarah Buxton but 20 minutes still isn’t enough time to really get to know the guy.

When seen today, the special effects are undeniably primitive but there’s something kind of charming about that. The scene where the giant nun tries to swat Alex with a ruler looks silly today and I imagine it probably looked silly in 1990 as well but it’s a fun kind of silly. The same can be said of the scene where Alex and Megan plunge into his subconscious. CGI has come a long way but today’s realistic CGI just doesn’t have the do-it-yourself charm of early chroma keying and matte shots. I liked that Alex’s subconscious was not only goofy but cheap as well.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.15 “Mr. Swlabr”

Posted on September 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mister Who?

Episode 2.15 “Mr. Swlabr”

(Dir by Warner Shook, originally aired on January 28th, 1990)

11 year-old Roy Barton (Robert Oliveri) spends all of his time in the basement of his house, playing with his train set and making dinosaur figurines. His mother (Kate McGregor-Stewart) is abusive. His older sister (Danielle Ferland) is spoiled and self-centered. Roy doesn’t have a friend in the world and has never gotten over his father abandoning the family when he was younger.

One day, Roy opens a box of cereal and finds a small dinosaur toy. Roy puts the toy in water and it comes to life. Mr. Swlabr (voiced by New York performance artist Rockets Redglare) says that he’ll be Roy’s friend and promises that he’ll never leave. Awwwww! Roy’s evil mother tries to drown Mr. Swlabr with a hose but the water just causes Mr. Swlabr to grow into an even bigger dinosaur. Mr. Swlabar spits a bunch of green goo on Roy’s sister. It doesn’t hurt her but it does convince her and her mother to do whatever Roy tells them to do.

This was an odd episode. It played out like a particularly macabre fairy tale, with Roy finally getting a friend who was big enough to bully everyone who was previously bullying him. It had its moments. I teared up a bit when Roy begged Mr. Swlabr not to abandon him the way that his father did. But, in the end, the hand puppet dinosaur was a bit too silly to be an effective monster.

Probably the most interesting thing about this episode was the casting of Rockets Redglare as the voice of Mr. Swlabr. From the 1970s up until his death in 2001, Rockets Redglare was a fixture of the New York underground. He was a comedian, a performance artist, and eventually a character actor. He worked as a drug counselor while, at the same time, delivering drugs to people like Jean-Michel Basquiat and Sid Viscous. He was reportedly the last known person to have seen Sid and his girlfriend Nancy Spungen alive and he was a suspect when Nancy was later found dead. According to Phil Strongman’s Pretty Vacant: A History of Punk, Redglare later told his friends that he was the one who had murdered Nancy. That said, musician Howie Pyro later said that Redglare was notorious for making up stories to get attention. (For their part, the police focused their investigation on Sid Viscous, who they claimed confessed despite the fact that Viscous was also too drugged out to really remember much of anything. The main lesson here: Stay away from the heroin.) Redglare went on to become a bit of an underground celebrity, appearing in movies directed by Jim Jarmusch, Stee Buscemi, and Olive Stone. (He played himself in Julian Schnabel’s Basquiat). Redglare died at the age of 52, saying in his final interview that everything he did, he “did to excess.” RIP, Mr. Swlabr.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 9/15/24 — 9/21/24

Posted on September 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have spent most of this week getting ready for the annual October Horrorthon, which means that I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies and not a lot of television. As a matter of fact, I haven’t watched one episode of Big Brother this year and I didn’t even realize that Survivor started last week.

(Most years, I blog about Big Brother for another site but, due to my father’s passing, I took a leave of absence of this year. I may, however, write about Survivor because it’s only a once-a-week show as opposed to a 7-day a week gig.)

Here’s a few thoughts on what I did watch this week:

American Sports Story: Aaron Hernandez (FX)

I watched the first two episodes of the latest Ryan Murphy-produced true crime miniseries on Saturday. This show deals with the life and crimes of Aaron Hernandez, a pro football player who ended up going to prison for murder and who is suspected of carrying out a lot more murders over the course of his short life. The first two episodes followed Aaron in high school and college, struggling to live up to his father’s ambitions and also with his own sexuality. The episodes were well-directed but I have to admit that the culture of sports remains extremely odd to me. So far, the defining image of the series is a bunch of naked football players hugging on each other while loudly talking about how much they hated anything that they considered to be gay.

So far, Josh Andres Rivera is believable as Aaron, even if he doesn’t exactly have the most exciting screen presence. Then again, Aaron Hernandez appears to have been kind of an idiot so maybe it makes sense that he would be kind of a blah person. The best performance so far has come from Tony Yazbeck as Aaron’s college coach.

The Emmy Awards (ABC)

Jeff and I watched the ceremony on Sunday but we muted it fairly early on. From what I saw, it was a pretty boring ceremony, up until Hacks beat The Bear for Best Comedy. I’m not really a huge fan of Hacks but it’s definitely more of a comedy than The Bear. That said, and this may be my film snobbery coming through, The Emmys have always felt a bit pointless when compared to the Oscars. Maybe that’s the Oscars have different nominees every year whereas the Emmys will nominate Only Murders In The Building until it finally ends its run.

Get Judged By Byron Browne (Nosey)

I watched an episode on Friday, in between horror movies. A guy called in, upset because his father sold his childhood home. (The guy had been led to believe, by his grandmother, that the house belonged to him.) Byron basically told the guy that promises from grandma have no legal standing. Poor guy. I felt bad for him. GIVE THE MAN HIS HOUSE!

The Jerry Springer Show (Nosey)

The episode I watched on Monday featured Jerry interviewing the Ku Klux Klan and the Black Hebrew Israelites (which, despite the name, is a Black supremacist group) at the same time. Needless to say, none of them were happy about being on stage together and the whole thing devolved into a bunch of shouting. One white woman in the audience shouted that black men received the right to vote before white women. A black woman then said that the Bible says that women are not supposed to vote because men were created first. It was a strange episode.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

Read this week’s review here!

Miami Vice (Prime)

Read this week’s review here!

Monsters (YouTube)

I binged and wrote reviews of several episodes of Monsters. Read this week’s review here!

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

This Friday, I watched an old episode of this 90s music show. It was all about guitar rock and it was pretty cool. Of course, the whole thing was pretty much just videos of Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Jeff Beck but they all sounded good. This EDM girl enjoyed listening to them.

One Step Beyond (YouTube)

I watched a few episodes of this paranormal anthology show on Thursday as I prepared for this year’s Horrorthon.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.14 “Bed and Boar”

Posted on September 18, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Episode 2.14 “Bed and Boar”

(Dir by Sara Driver, originally aired on January 21st, 1990)

Traveling salesman John Dennis (a young Steve Buscemi) just wants to get a good night’s rest in a sleazy motel but, unfortunately, the couple in the room next to his is making a racket. A woman and a man are fighting and yelling at each other. “Bitch! Bitch!” the man seems to be yelling. Finally, the woman (Jodie Markell) leaves her room, runs through the stormy night, and ends up in John’s room.

John take one look at the woman in her white nightgown (which has gotten soaked in the rain) and decides that he has absolutely no problem with her staying in his room. He has no problem with her removing her wet nightgown and wrapping herself in the sheets of his bed. The only problem that John has is with her husband (Charles Kay-Hune), who not only tries to break into the room but also has the head of a boar.

You would think that would be enough to convince John to find another motel but instead, after chasing off the board husband, John spends the night with the woman. John declares that he’s falling in love with the woman. When her husband literally tears down a wall to get at them, John fights off and kills the woman’s boar-headed husband.

And it’s only then that it occurs to John that the woman might be a witch (“He wasn’t yelling bitch, he was yelling….”) and that maybe she was the one responsible for turning her husband into a pig. (Someone has obviously never read The Odyssey.) Of course, by this point, John is himself starting to turn into a pig.

The good thing about this episode is that it features a young Steve Buscemi, playing one of his trademark quirky characters who never knows when to stop talking. The bad thing is that the episode doesn’t really give Buscemi much to do, other than be an idiot. Since it was obvious, to me, that the woman was a witch and that she was the one who turned her husband into a boar, I spent the entire episode waiting for some sort of a surprise twist. I was waiting for John to reveal that he was a warlock or a werewolf or a vampire or anything other than just a salesman in a motel room. But that never happened. As a result, the whole story felt rather pointless.

On the plus side, the husband was frightening. The show did a good job with the boar makeup because I I did jump a little when that thing came bursting into the room. This was a case where the monster was better than the story.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 9/8/24 — 9/14/24

Posted on September 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’ve been up at Lake Texoma for most of this week, getting some much-needed rest after the past 3 and a half months. As such, I haven’t watch much television over the past few days (and no, I did not watch the debate because, as I just said, I’m trying to rest and relax) but I did find time to binge and write up reviews for several episodes of Baywatch Nights, Check It Out!, Friday the 13th, and Welcome Back, Kotter. Watch for the rest of those reviews through the rest of this month and October!

Here’s some thoughts on what I did watch:

Baywatch Nights (YouTube)

I binged Baywatch Nights this week. Check out my review of this week’s episode here!

Check It Out! (Tubi)

I watched and wrote reviews of several episodes of Check It Out! on Sunday. Look for the reviews through the rest of this month and October.

Fantasy Island (DVR)

I reviewed this week’s episode of Fantasy Island here!

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

Read this week’s review here!

Get Judged by Byron Browne (Nosey)

Tattooed and plain-spoken attorney Byron Browne listens to people talk about their problems and then tells them if they have grounds to sue. I watched a few episodes on Sunday evening. I actually liked the show. I appreciated the fact that Browne, for all of his flamboyance, gave good advice and didn’t waste many words getting to the point.

Jerry Springer Show (Nosey)

I watched three episodes of this show on Nosey while I was working on some reviews of shows that don’t feature Jerry Springer. One episode that I watched featured a dry cleaner who stole women’s clothes and wondered why his girlfriend was cheating on him. Another episode featured a man who wanted his lover to dress up like his mom. The last episode featured a man who got upset because his girlfriend was sleeping with his sister. I’m pretty sure every guest was an actor. I mean, I’ve known some pretty weird people but I’ve never known anyone as strange as the typical Spring guest.

Jerry Springer, let’s just be honest, came across as being incredibly sleazy. I don’t care that he was a former politician or that he was apparently inspired by Robert F. Kennedy, Sr. I don’t care that he was apparently an amiable presence off-stage. Watching him on this show, smirking while the audience chants his name, I felt no need to pretend like Springer was anything other than the epitome of a sleazy talk show host. For all the efforts made by some in the media to rehabilitate his image and to suggest that he shouldn’t have been judged by the show he hosted, Springer really was the worst and the faux sincerity of his “final thoughts” always verged on being offensive. If he was still alive, he’d be an excellent pick to play the sleazy game show host, Killian, in a Running Man remake.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I reviewed this week’s episode of The Love Boat here!

Miami Vice (Prime)

I reviewed this week’s episode of Miami Vice here.

Monsters (YouTube)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.13 “Habitat”

Posted on September 11, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode is an experiment that doesn’t quite work.

Episode 2.13 “Habitat”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on January 14th, 1990)

Jamie Neal (a young Lili Taylor) is 23 years-old and newly single. She’s been offered an opportunity that could earn her enough money that she will never have to work another day in her life. She has to spend 9 months in an enclosed space. She’ll be given food to eat. She requested to be given a guitar to play. All she has to do is spend nine months in the room and react every time that she hears an annoying buzzing sound. Of course, she can’t go outside or have any contact with anyone else. The entire time, someone will be watching her.

Jamie starts the experiment feeling confident and almost cocky. She carefully reads over the contract, commenting on how easy it will be to handle all of the requirements, before signing it. Jamie brags that her ex-boyfriend was an attorney (though he preferred to be called a “litigator,” — hey, I know the type, Jamie!) and she knows exactly how to read a contract as a result.

The story jumps forward a few weeks. Jamie is in isolation, still reacting to every buzz and eating the pizza that’s randomly sent down to her. However, she is no longer cocky and confident. She’s grown tired of being trapped in one room and not even her guitar brings her joy anymore. She wanders around the room, demanding to be set free.

There’s a twist to this episode and I bet you already guessed it. That twist is that Jamie is a part of an experiment that is being conducted by a bunch of aliens. As they watch Jamie lose her mind and eventually her life in the small room, the aliens dispassionately discuss how strange humans are. They hate to be confined and yet they have no problem confining the animals that live with them. Jamie may have viewed herself as being a prisoner with no freedom but the aliens viewed her as being a pet. One alien (and I should note that the rubber alien costumes are absolutely ludicrous) says that he thinks he might be feeling an emotion that humans call “grief.” Someone was obviously hoping to play a half human/half whatever science offer on a Star Trek spin-off.

(“What is this thing you humans call joy?” Bleh.)

This episode was pretty dull. Obviously, Lili Taylor is a talented actress but in this one, she gets stuck with some really less-than-impressive dialogue. Not even the scenes where she’s losing her mind are particularly interesting. There’s nothing shocking about discovering that she’s had a breakdown. One can see that it’s going to happen from the minute that she steps into the chamber. By that same token, there’s nothing at all surprising about the big twist. Even though who haven’t read Slaughterhouse-Five will easily guess that Jamie is being put on display.

This was a rather forgettable experiment.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.12 “Museum Hearts”

Posted on September 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Wow, it’s been more than a little while since I last reviewed an episode of Monsters! Well, it’s time to get back to it! Like most anthology series, Monsters can be frustratingly uneven but occasionally, the viewer does get lucky with a really good episode. Take this week, for instance….

Episode 2.12 “Museum Hearts”

(Dir by Theodore Gershuny, originally aired on January 7th, 1990)

Cheryl (Louise Roberts) comes to the natural history museum to see her husband, Danny (Patrick Breen). Danny, one of the museum’s curators, said he would be working late in the basement but, as Cheryl discovers, Danny is actually in basement cheating on her with Edwina (Sarah Trigger).

However, the three of them have an even bigger problem that Danny’s infidelity. While they’re busy arguing in the basement, the museum closes and all the doors are locked. Danny’s suggestion is that they spend the night having a threesome. Cheryl’s suggestion is that Danny find a way to get them out of the basement.

Attempting to reach a high window, dumbass Danny climbs on top of ancient coffin. His foot goes through the wood. Danny not only cuts open his ankle but he also steps on the mummified remains of Cerridwen (Pamela Dean Kelly), a Druid priestess. His foot goes through her chest, revealing her heart. Danny decides that it would be a good idea to grab the heart and take it as a souvenir. Cerridwen, who is not quite dead, is not happy about that idea.

At first, Danny, Cheryl, and Edwina are terrified about the idea of being stuck with a mummy. But it turns out that Cerridwen hates cheating men like Danny. Cheryl and Edwina proceed to sacrifice Danny, allowing Cerridwen to revert back to her youthful appearance. The three women leave the museum together.

So far, Monsters has been a rather uneven series but I really liked this episode. A lot of that is due to Theodore Gershuny’s direction. Gershuny also directed one of my favorite grindhouse films, Silent Night Bloody Night. Just as in that film, Gershuny creates an ominous and dream-like atmosphere that goes a long way towards making up for the fact that episode’s story is rather predictable. Fortunately, Danny is such a sleaze that it’s impossible not take some joy out of him getting his macabre comeuppance. I liked the fact that all three of the women worked together rather than allowing Danny to turn them against one another. Instead of getting mad at Edwina, Cheryl put the blame for Danny’s infidelity right where it belonged, on Danny.

This was a good episode with a good message. Don’t mess around in the basement of a museum because you never know what you might find down there. And, for the love of God, don’t step on a mummy’s chest.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters “Half as Old as Time”

Posted on July 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Monsters asks us, “How far would you go to be immortal?”

Episode 2.11 “Half as Old as Time”

(Dir by Christopher Todd, originally aired on December 17th, 1989)

Dying of a brain tumor, elderly archeologist Dr. Miner (played by Leif Garrett, under a ton of old age makeup) visits his daughter Jacqueline (Valerie Wildman). Jacqueline, who is also an archeologist, lives in the desert and, from the start, it’s obvious that she and her father have a strained relationship. However, when Dr. Miner begs her to take him to the secret location of a “fountain of youth,” that she’s spent her career searching for, Jacqueline agrees.

Sitting underneath the statue of an evil-looking serpent and overseen by a Native American named Saspondo (Nick Ramus), the fountain does indeed make Dr. Miner young again. Unfortunately, it only lasts for a short time. Saspondo explains that if Dr. Miner wants to be both permanently young and immortal, he has to be prepared to sacrifice a family member and let their blood mix with the water.

Oh, hi, Jacqueline!

Dr. Miner doesn’t waste any time killing his daughter and afterwards, he doesn’t seem to be particularly upset over his crime. (“She was always a disappointment to me.”) Saspondo, however, reveals that Dr. Miner should have asked more questions about what immortality meant before killing his daughter and then drinking from the fountain. Dr. Miner may be forever young but he’s also forever be trapped in front of the fountain….

The main joke here, of course, is the casting of former teen idol Leif Garrett as an old man. Interestingly enough, he’s more convincing when he’s playing old than when he is later allowed to be his then-young self. When he’s wearing the makeup and walking with a shuffled gait, Garrett has a character to play. When he loses all of that, he sleepwalks through the rest of his performance. Nick Ramus, however, gives an excellent performance all-around as the enigmatic keeper of the fountain.

This episode was uneven but effective. The pace was occasionally a bit slow but the murder of Jacqueline was shockingly brutal, even by the standards of this show. If nothing else, it showed who Dr. Miner truly was and it made his eventual comeuppance especially satisfying. Flaws aside, this episode worked.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 6/16/24 — 6/22/24

Posted on June 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I started out this week thinking that I was going to caught up with everything that I needed to watch and that I would be able to do a full set of Retro Television Reviews. Unfortunately, my Dad is currently having some health issues and, needless to say, most of my week ended up being consumed with that. Hopefully, next week will be better! Don’t worry — the site will be back to normal soon! The Power of Twonky compels us….

I ended up watching a lot of Degrassi which, as I’ve made clear, is my go-to comfort programming and I also watched perhaps a bit too much Dr. Phil. I watched both shows via Pluto TV and they largely served as background noise while I spent this week stressing out. The unfortunate thing about Dr. Phil on Pluto is that the episodes are somewhat randomly selected so it wasn’t uncommon for a “part one” to not be followed by “part two” or for “part two” to air without “part one.” I’m a completist so stuff like that drives me crazy.

I watched and reviewed episodes of CHiPs, Fantasy Island, Baywatch Nights, The Love Boat, and Monsters. I also watched an episode of Malibu, CA but it was so bad that I didn’t have the strength to review it. I’ll do so next week.

Finally, via Paramount Plus, I watched an old episode of the first Star Trek series on Wednesday. A creepy kid named Charlie came on the Enterprise and kept making people vanish. It was kind of easy to laugh at some of the acting of the crew members but Robert Walker, Jr. did a really good job as the bratty and neurotic Charlie.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.10 “The Mandrake Root”

Posted on June 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, on Monsters, a root leads to temptation!

Episode 2.10 “The Mandrake Root”

(Dir by Brian Thomas Jones, originally aired on December 10th, 1989)

While cleaning out her recently deceased grandmother’s basement, Angela (Melba Moore) discovers a Mandrake root that is not only sprouting though the floor but which also appear to be “wearing” her grandmother’s ring. She grabs the ring but pricks her finger as she does so, allowing her blood to drip down onto the root.

The next day, the root has been replaced by a shirtless, handsome man (Byron Minns), who promises Angela a world of sensual pleasure on the condition that she provide the blood that he needs to live. At first, Angela resists but the Root is persistent and he certainly seems to care more about her than her inattentive (if well-meaning) husband (Frankie Faison).

This episode was full of atmosphere, it had an intriguing premise, and it featured good performances from Melba Moore and Frankie Faison. (It’s always interesting to see Faison playing someone other than a cop or a military officer.) Unfortunately, Byron Minns was fairly bland in the role of Angela’s tempter. He was handsome but he didn’t have the screen presence necessary to believable as a centuries-old tempter. As a result, this episode is good without quite being the classic that it could have been.