Lifetime Christmas Movie Review: The Christmas Contract (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on December 23, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

There’s a very clever scene at the beginning of The Christmas Contract.

Jack Friedman (Robert Buckley) is a writer who can’t get any of the big publishing houses to even take a look at his new book. However, Jack’s agent informs him that they might change his mind if he does some ghostwriting. One can see from Jack’s reaction that this is not the first time that he’s been asked to be a ghostwriter and it’s not something that he particularly enjoys. Still, because one does have to eat, Jack agrees.

His agent tells him that he’ll be ghostwriting the latest installment in a very popular but critically dismissed series of romance novels. He’s told to go read the previous book in the series and then to basically rewrite it, just changing a few details so that it can be advertised as a totally new book. He’s given a list of plot points that the publishers want to be included in the book. Again, it’s not particularly important how the plot points are integrated into the story. Instead, they just have to be there.

Moonlight dance? Yep.

Kisses under the stars? Yep.

Oh, and the book needs to take place in Louisiana.

Now, you don’t have to be a part of the industry to realize that, in this scene, Jack is serving as a stand-in for every writer who has ever been assigned to write a Hallmark (or, let’s just be honest here, Lifetime) Christmas movie. Don’t try to reinvent the season, just make sure that the basics are there. Pick a new location and you’re ready to go!

With that scene, the makers of The Christmas Contract are acknowledging that, “yes, this is another Lifetime holiday movie.” And yes, it’s going to remind you of a lot of other Lifetime holiday movies. But, that still doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it. After all, the appeal of a movie like this is to be found in its familiarity. In an often chaotic world, there’s something to be said for the comfort of a good, if predictable, romance novel. The same can be said of a Lifetime Christmas movie.

Anyway, it’s a good thing that the publishers want the book to be set in Louisiana because that’s where Jack spends his holiday. He’s actually accompanying a recently single woman named Jodie (Hilarie Burton) back to her home for Christmas. Because Jodie’s ex-boyfriend is going to be visiting with his new girlfriend, Jodie doesn’t want her family to know that she’s single. So, Jack pretends to be her boyfriend. They even sign a contract ahead of time. And, yes, you can guess exactly what ends up happening but, again, that’s kind of the point with a movie like this.

The cast, which includes several veterans of One Tree Hill, does a good job with the material but the true star of this film is the state of Louisiana. This film makes full use of the beautiful Louisiana landscape and the celebratory nature of the state’s culture. It may have been predictable but it was still enjoyable. Spending the holidays with Jodie, Jack, and the family looked like a lot of fun.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on October 2, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just devoting all of her time to horror movies this month! She is also trying to clean out her DVR. She has recorded over 170 movies this year and she needs to watch all of them before January 1st! Will she make it? Keep checking this site to find out! Lisa recorded The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit off of the Lifetime Movie Network on June 2nd.)

Now, this is just frustrating!

When you sit down to watch a movie called The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit, I think you’re justified in thinking that the majority of the movie is going to take place in a bed (perhaps even the wrong bed, which I guess would mean that it has a lumpy mattress or a lice-infected pillow something). I think you’re also justified in expecting that everyone’s going to be naked for the majority of the movie. As for the pursuit — well, pursuit can mean anything. Maybe the two naked people in the wrong bed are pursuing pleasure or enlightenment. Maybe they’re pursuing the ultimate high of sexually decadent ennui. Who knows?

Well, The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit does open with Stella (Jewel Statie) and Owen (Corey Sevier) waking up naked in bed and handcuffed together. However, it’s not the wrong bed. It’s just a hotel bed and it looks like a pretty nice hotel, too! Both Owen and Stella are naked but that only lasts for about ten minutes. Eventually, they get out of bed and manage to get partially dressed. And while I appreciate the fact that the film is honest about the difficult of putting on a bra while handcuffed to another person (because, seriously, it’s not as easy as the movie’s usually make it look), that still doesn’t change the fact that the title specifically promised us a naked pursuit in the wrong bed.

Now, I should admit that the title is honest about the pursuit part. When Owen and Stella wake up, they have no memory of how they met or eventually ended up in bed together. However, they do know that someone is chasing them. They spend the entire movie running around Canada, trying not to get caught by the usual collection of men in suits and uniforms. Occasionally, Stella has flashes of memory. She sees herself strapped down to a gurney with a scientist named Larissa (Lisa Berry) preparing to give her a shot. She realizes that she and her best friend tried to earn some extra money by taking part in some sort of clinical study. However, something went wrong…

Stella and Owen try to retrace their steps. It turns out that they both got pretty wild the night before they woke up in the not-so wrong bed. They ever started a riot at a bowling alley. Even more importantly, they find the time to stop by Owen’s house. Owen, who says that he’s a fireman, lives in an impressively big house. That’s Lifetime, though. Everyone gets a mansion, regardless of what they do for a living.

Anyway, once I got over the misleading title, The Wrong Bed turned out to be a pretty entertaining little movie. It was directed by Monika Mitchell, who has done several Lifetime movies and who can always be depended on to keep the action moving quickly. Things got a little bit silly once Owen and Stella discovered why they were being pursued but no matter! Jewel Statie and Corey Sevier had chemistry and Sevier looked good without his shirt on.

It all worked out.

Cleaning Out The DVR, Again #34: Revenge Porn (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on July 11, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is currently in the process of trying to clean out her DVR by watching and reviewing all 40 of the movies that she recorded from the start of March to the end of June. She’s trying to get it all done by the end of July 11th! Will she make it!? Keep visiting the site to find out!)

The 34th film on the DVR was Revenge Porn, which I recorded off of Lifetime on June 18th.

Here’s two important things to know about Revenge Porn:

First of all, when it originally aired, I live tweeted it on twitter, along with several other friends. Needless to say, we used the hashtag #RevengePorn. Also needless to say, using #RevengePorn as a hashtag ended up getting me a lot of attention from people who weren’t necessarily watching the film. I picked up a lot of new followers that night.

(Of course, most of them left once I started to tweet about Big Brother.)

Secondly, when it came time to write this review, I wanted to make sure that I had at least one image to go along with it. So, innocently, I did a google image search on “Revenge Porn.” That turned out to be a big mistake. If you want to find pictures from this film, I suggest that you do a search for “Elisabeth Rohm Lifetime movie.” It’ll be a lot less traumatic.

As for the film itself, it starts out like a more respectable version of Break-Up Nightmare. The innocent and college-bound Peyton Harris (Tiera Skovbye) is up in her bedroom, taking topless pictures, while her overprotective parents (Elisabeth Rohm and David Lewis) are downstairs. In fact, the only real difference between the opening of Break-Up Nightmare and Revenge Porn is that Peyton isn’t taking the pictures for a boyfriend. Instead, she’s considering whether or not to get a boob job.

Otherwise, the first hour of the film plays out pretty much the same as Break-Up Nightmare. Peyton’s best friend (Jodelle Ferland) is jealous over Peyton’s great future and, in a moment of spite, sends naked pictures of Peyton to everyone at school. However, things get even worse when Carl Cook (a thoroughly creepy performance fro Levi Meaden) comes across Peyton’s pictures and posts them on his revenge porn website, ExMyEx. Cook claims that what he’s doing is perfectly legal and that it’s the fault of his victims for taking naked pictures in the first place. Peyton’s mom decides to try to bring the website down and Carl seeks revenge…

However, after about an hour of this, the film goes totally crazy. Angered over their attempts to shut him down, Carl starts to harass the Harrises in every over-the-top way imaginable. Since Carl Cook is a hacker (which, in the world of Lifetime films, is the equivalent of being an MCU-style super villain), there is literally nothing that he can’t do.

Send threatening texts to every member of the family? Carl can do it!

Send and re-send naked pictures of Peyton to everyone on the planet? Carl can do it!

Cancel everyone’s credit cards and destroy the family’s finances? Carl can do it!

Cancel Peyton’s college scholarships? Carl can do it!

Issue a warrant for Peyton’s father arrest? Carl can do it!

Eventually, the Harrises even find themselves being chased by a drone, which Carl is apparently controlling from his super villain lair!

When it comes to movies about creepy hackers and naked pictures, Break-Up Nightmare is definitely the one to go with. But Revenge Porn has its own strengths. Both Rohm and Skovbye give good performances and, seriously, as played by Levin Meaden, Carl Cook is one of the most loathsome villains to ever appear in a Lifetime movie.

If you’re a fan of the Lifetime way of telling cinematic morality tales, Revenge Porn is one to keep an eye out for. Hopefully, Lifetime will be do a Revenge Porn/Break-Up Nightmare double feature at some point in the future.

What Lisa and Erin Watched Last Night #149: Pretty Little Addict (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on May 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Dazzling Erin and I watched the latest Lifetime film premiere, Petty Little Addict!

Why Were We Watching It?

Yesterday was all about sisterly bonding time! Erin and I basically told the rest of the world to get lost and then we spent the entire day hanging out together, talking about life, pondering the great questions of the universe, and laughing. In fact, we probably spent more time laughing than pondering the great questions of the universe. We also chased a chicken out of our backyard! (He belongs to one of our neighbors.)

And really, what better way is there to bond than by watching a Lifetime movie!? When my friend Trevor informed me that Pretty Little Addict would be premiering last night, I knew that there was no way that Erin and I were going to miss it!

What Was It About?

It’s about a pretty little addict!

Her name is Jennifer (Andrea Bowen) and she has just lost her father to cancer. To deal with her sorrow, she drinks. Meanwhile, across town, Colin Brown (Keenan Tracy) is excited because he’s received a scholarship to run track in college. Colin’s entire future is pretty much set and it all looks great, assuming that he never loses the ability to walk.

As fate would have it, Jennifer and Colin end up at the same party. And, when a drunk Jennifer attempts to leave the party, she accidentally runs over Colin. Colin is crippled and Jennifer is ordered to check into rehab.

While Jennifer is trying to get sober, Colin’s brother, Alex (Scott Lyster), is looking for revenge. Alex is mentally unstable and has a drinking problem of his own. He also has a long and violent criminal record. When he discovers that Jennifer is in rehab, he gets a job working for the vending machine company that just happens to service the machines inside the rehab facility. Soon, Alex is flirting with Jennifer while also trying to manipulate her into giving up her new found sobriety.

Meanwhile, Colin’s family is making plans to sue Jennifer’s mother…

What Worked?

One thing that you can definitely say about Pretty Little Addict is that it had its heart in the right place. It sincerely did attempt to use its melodramatic storyline to say something meaningful about addiction and the struggle of recovery. Both Scott Lyster and Keenan Tracy gave good performances and I also liked Morgan Taylor Campbell in the role of Jennifer’s paranoid roommate.

What Did Not Work?

Good intentions aside, this is one of those films that just never really seemed to come together. It felt uneven and strangely paced and, even by the standards of Lifetime, the plot was full of obvious and glaring holes. Alex’s plan seemed unnecessarily complicated. Considering that he was an alcoholic, he could have just as easily checked himself into rehab and then he would have had much easier access to Jennifer than he did as a fake deliveryman. It would have been a lot less trouble for him as well.

From the start of the movie to the end, Jennifer was a fairly unlikable character. Even after she got sober, she never really seemed to understand just how much damage she had done.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I rarely drink so there was a definite shortage of “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments. However, I did cringe a little when the rehab patients had to engage in a trust exercise that deal with being blindfolded. That’s because, in high school, I took part in a similar trust exercise. My friend Jennifer was blindfolded and I was supposed to catch her when she fell backwards. However, I’ve only got a three-minute attention span so, by the time she actually started to fall back, I was no longer paying attention and I kind of forgot to catch her. Whoops!

Lessons Learned

Don’t drink and drive, which is actually a pretty good lesson.

Hallmark Review: All Yours (2016, dir. Monika Mitchell)

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I’m really glad my cable box told me what movie I was watching cause that title card sure doesn’t do a good job of it. It would be perfectly natural for someone to look at that and think it says Aee Yours before they realized it said All Yours.

Have you ever wanted to see the TV Show Melissa & Joey condensed down to about 90 minutes without a good reason for the smart guy to become a nanny, not much humor, and not much chemistry between Mom and the nanny? Neither did I. To be fair, I’ve been a big fan of Melissa & Joey for years. When I saw that Hallmark had a movie called The Manny in production, I wasn’t too jazzed. They appeared to have changed the title at the last minute though. I mean you can still see in the credits that the movie was made by Manny Productions Inc.

I think what happened was that at the last minute they got the rights to use I’m Yours by Jason Mraz. They probably figured the title All Yours not only fit with the song, but that it sounded more like the generic greeting card titles that Hallmark likes to use.

I mentioned that I’m a big fan of Melissa & Joey so I was constantly comparing it to that show while watching it. That’s only partly fair because that had many many many hours to develop all of the stuff I mentioned before, while this only had an hour and a half. I will try to be reasonable with the film.

The movie begins and we are introduced to Cass McKay (Nicollette Sheridan). She’s a lawyer. The case she’s arguing doesn’t matter. All the case part does for her character is establish that she is a good and busy lawyer. What this film does here is interrupt her argument over and over to cut to her kids at home.

The son’s sister runs up into his treehouse. You gotta put that No Girls Allowed sign where she can see it. She could argue that it wasn’t displayed properly at his establishment so she had every right to go up there. Believe it or not, these scenes are not just to establish that Cass needs a nanny. They are not just to establish that they need a nanny who can put up with the kids’ hijinks either. One of the excuses the daughter gives for getting up in the treehouse is because the son doesn’t use it anyways since he is afraid of heights. This getting over his fear of heights part of the story will be the equivalent to the bridge from Love, Again for example. Or, to use Melissa & Joey as an example, it’s the equivalent of when Joey finds and talks Lennox off the roof in the first episode of the show, thus proving his worth as a nanny. There will be a similar thing with the daughter playing the violin.

Now we get what I always show in these reviews.

I think they did a good job here. They hid the Canadian cellphone provider by having her connected to the courthouse WiFi. It also looks like they modified the screen too. It’s probably a screenshot she is looking at rather than the real interface. Regardless, good work.

Now we cut to the house to chew out the kids and introduce us to Grandma played by Jayne Eastwood.

I always like looking up these actors who I don’t immediately recognize such as Eastwood here. Wow! She seems to have been in everything under the sun. She’s been in what appears to be a sexploitation flick called My Pleasure Is My Business in the 70s, SCTV; Videodrome; and Care Bears in the 80s, the TV Show Goosebumps in the 90s, My Big Fat Greek Wedding; the remake of Dawn of the Dead; Degrassi: TNG; Chicago; and the musical remake of Hairspray in the 2000s, and in a variety of TV Shows and movies along with My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 in the 2010s. At the time of writing this, she has 215 acting credits on IMDb since her first one in 1970. Amazing!

Now we get something pretty awesome. Yes, we get a brief shot of the future nanny named Matthew Walker played by Dan Payne, but who cares when we have this shot.

Care to take a guess at where this shot was taken? It’s on the sign and attached to the flag pole. Times up! It’s Denmark. No joke. That restaurant is at Nordre Beddingsvej 17, 3390 Hundested, Denmark. I have no idea why they use this shot a couple of times, but they do. I’ve seen Hallmark movies shot in the Los Angeles area, all over Canada, and even a pseudo-Hallmark movie shot in Scotland. Denmark is a new one on me. The rest of the movie is shot in the Hallmark favorite of Langely, British Columbia. If anyone involved in the production of this movie knows why this shot ended up in the movie, then please leave a comment.

Now we go inside and meet Matthew’s father Charles played by Michael Kopsa.

Michael Kopsa is another one of these actors that has had a long and eclectic career. He’s been in some major films such Watchmen (2009) and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), but he goes back to the late 70s and early 80s where he got his start doing English dub work for the TV Show Mobile Suit Gundam as well as two of the movies. One of which he appears to have done the English voice of the main character: Mobile Suit Gundam: Char’s Counterattack (1988). Always worth taking advantage of IMDb while you watch movies.

He is here to talk to Grandma about his son. His son is the typical well educated guy who really found what he learned in college isn’t his thing so he’s been drifting around. A real world example of a guy like this is Huey Lewis of Huey Lewis and the News. Lewis is a bit of a math genius and attended Cornell. However, he found out it wasn’t his thing and drifted around playing music before settling down and starting his music career. His father was a doctor. That’s kind of how Charles describes his son. Charles is a developer who wants to tear down and redevelop the marina. His son isn’t a fan of that idea. I’m not either considering the marina never really looks like it’s in need of that kind of work during the film. What happens here is that Charles, Grandma, and Matthew strike a deal. Matthew will take a job as a nanny to Cass’ kids, and his father will reconsidering the redeveloping the marina. They keep that a secret from Cass. There’s your setup.

Oh, and they knew each other as kids so that they already come pre-packaged with some basis for their romance. Despite recognizing him, Grandma trying to make the hard sell, the kids obviously already liking him, and them already knowing each other, when Nicolette Sheridan gives you this look,…

then you know she means business.

Next we get introduced to Henry played by Lochlyn Munro who is kind of the wrong guy, but won’t play that role to the degree that we usually see in other Hallmark movies. On the good wrong guy to the weirdo in Christmas Land wrong guy, I’d say he sits somewhere in the middle leaning towards the decent wrong guy.

During the entire film I kept thinking that I had seen this guy before. After the film I checked the credits and realized it’s you cut to me before I had my wig on Burger King from In The Name of the King: Two Worlds (2011).

In the Name of the King: Two Worlds (2011, dir. Uwe Boll)

We meet him as Cass is introduced to a new court case. It is between two tech billionaires that have brought a case against each other so that their reconciliation as old friends can parallel the story between Cass and Matthew. It also adds a bit of a procedural element to the film that lets Matthew edge his way further into her life rather than having a separation of work and home since he went to law school too.

After suddenly needing to be called back to help the kids, Cass gives in and hires Matthew. That’s when she introduces him to the big calendar that will show us at what point Cass is in her character arc based on how much she breaks it and gets involved in the events listed on it. Then Matthew does something that pisses me off. He points out that Monday and Tuesday are reversed on the calendar.

Dammit, Dan Payne! You’re taking away work from cynical Hallmark critics like myself who like to point out flaws in these movies.

Anyways, she then gives him a phone to remind future viewers that this movie was released near Easter.

Also, it definitely doesn’t come in black. It’s not that kind of bunny, Matthew!

The next big thing is when he takes them to school. They actually don’t hide the name of the school at all in this movie. They say it’s Yorkson Elementary School, and it is. Well, sort of. It’s actually Yorkson Middle School, but close enough. It’s at 20686 84 Ave, Langley, BC V2Y 2B5, Canada. It’s new too because you can see it was in construction a few years ago on Google Maps.

They also bring up again that the girl’s equivalent to her brother’s height issue is playing the violin during this scene.

He takes them rock climbing. This is where we really find out that the boy has issues with heights. So of course, Matthew does what anybody would do.

He builds mini rock climbing walls in the backyard. Pretty cool actually.

This is the point in my reviews when I say you’ve got it now. The rest of the movie is kind of on autopilot. The stuff between Matthew and the kids is really the highlight of the movie. It’s not like Melissa & Joey where there’s more a balance in the quality of interaction between the nanny and Mom as well as the kids. He does have his moments with Cass, but the main focus is on his time with the kids. Cass kind of comes for free with Matthew helping the kids. That’s the way it felt to me while watching it.

The son gets over his fear.

The daughter plays the electric violin in the talent show at the end of the film.

There is of course a last minute speed bump. I think having that is in the Hallmark writing bible that they give anyone who is going to make films for them. However, it really does make sense here given how they set things up and all. Does she overreact? Yes, she does, but she comes around and they kiss at the end of the talent show.

Do I recommend it? Maybe marginally. I liked October Kiss better as a Hallmark nanny love story. If you want the the nanny to be a guy, then I really do recommend Melissa & Joey. The best part of the movie I would say is with the kids played by Genea Charpentier and Kiefer O’Reilly.

Here are the songs:

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Buried Secrets (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, as you know if you’re one of our regular readers, I am currently in the process of cleaning out my DVR. That means that I’ve spent this week watching and reviewing a countless number of Lifetime and SyFy films. It’s been fun and I do love watching Lifetime films but I also have to admit that I’m glad to see that I only have 8 films left to go.

Earlier today, I continued to make progress by watching Buried Secrets. Buried Secrets originally aired on October 25th, on the Lifetime Movie Network. I didn’t get to see it when it originally aired because I was busy dancing in my underwear at a Halloween party. Fortunately, that’s why we have DVRs!

So, how to describe the plot of Buried Secrets? Seriously, it’s not easy as you might assume. There is a lot of stuff going on in Buried Secrets. In fact, it’s probably one of the most convoluted Lifetime films that I’ve ever seen. But let’s give it a shot:

Sarah Winters (Sarah Clarke) was a police detective who was involved in investigating the mysterious murder of police informant, Derrick Saunders (Fulvio Cecere). However, before Sarah could solve the crime, she was accused of corruption and kicked off the force. Sarah, of course, was totally innocent and she feels that she was set up by one of her fellow detectives, Joan Mueller (Veena Sood). Mueller is now chief-of-police, largely because of the attention she gained by accusing Sarah of being corrupt.

Sarah also has a teenage daughter (Angela de Lieva) and a mother (Gabrielle Rose), who she doesn’t get along with. This is largely because Sarah was adopted and she is upset because her adoptive mother refuses to give her any information about her biological parents.

Since Sarah is no longer on the force, she writes a novel that becomes a best seller. The novel is based on the murder of Derrick Saunders and features an incompetent, untrustworthy detective named Meckler. When Mueller demands to know if Meckler is based on her, Sarah says that she is. In the real world, this would lead to Sarah being sued for libel and probably being driven to bankruptcy.

However, this is Lifetime world! Mueller is concerned about much more than the real identity of Detective Meckler. Mueller thinks that the book contains details of the crime, which prove that Sarah was the murderer.

Meanwhile, Sarah’s boyfriend, Barry (Dan Payne), is working on the security detail of Mayor Harding (Sarah-Jane Redmond). Harding is running for reelection but it looks like she might be on the verge of losing her office. So, Harding starts to sleep with Barry to get information about Sarah. Mayor Harding has decided that if she campaigns on a platform that calls for banning Sarah’s book, she’ll win reelection.

And yes, that makes absolutely no sense but just go with it.

Meanwhile, there’s a mysterious homeless-looking guy (Teach Grant) and he keeps popping up at the strangest times. He shows up at a book singing. He follows Sarah’s daughter in the park. And, of course, he spends a lot of time at the local DNA lab…

Okay, so you might think, after reading all of this, that Buried Secrets doesn’t make much sense. And it doesn’t! But that, to be honest, is the film’s main appeal. Since Buried Secrets refuses to be tied down by logic, that means that literally anything can happen! At it’s best, Buried Secrets creates its own hyper realized world, where everything is just a bit over-the-top and strange. It’s a world where a major municipal election hinges on banning a novel, where book signings are fraught with drama and peril, and where one teenager can change an entire city’s mind just by grabbing a microphone and giving an impassioned speech. It’s all so strange that there’s no way not to enjoy it.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #141: Reluctant Witness (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on October 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I finally found the time to sit down and watch Reluctant Witness. Of course, if you know me, you know that I can only sit still for 15 minutes at a time. So, I spent a good deal of the movie standing up and cleaning the living room but, no matter what else I was doing, I still continued to watch the movie.

Why Was I Watching It?

Reluctant Witness actually premiered last Sunday. That was the same day that I got back from my vacation and I was way too busy unpacking and cleaning the house to watch it. So, I set the DVR to record it because you never know when an unexpectedly brilliant movie might suddenly show up on Lifetime. Last night, I finally remembered that Reluctant Witness was on the DVR so I decided to watch it and see if it was another classic, like Confessions of Go Go Girl. (It turned out not to be a classic but it was Canadian and that’s almost as good!)

What Was It About?

Melissa (Mia Kirshner) was married to a Chicago gangster named Jimmy (James Kirk). Jimmy was an abusive psychopath, the type of goes out his way to give the city of Chicago an even worse reputation than it already has. So, Melissa goes to the FBI and offers to testify against Jimmy but only if they agree to help her and her daughter start a new life somewhere else. Of course, the FBI says yes.

So, Jimmy goes to prison. And then, a decade later, he gets paroled and he uses all of his gangster money to have plastic surgery. And the plastic surgery is so amazingly good that he comes out of it looking like a totally different person! (It helps that post-surgery Jimmy is played by a totally different actor named Paul McGillion.) Jimmy fakes his own death and then goes searching for his wife.

Melissa has a totally new life, with new friends and a new boyfriend and a daughter who only sorta resents her. Not only that but she also has a brand new name! Melissa is now named Erin! Everything appears to be perfect until the mysterious Warren shows up. Warren reminds Erin of Jimmy. Is Erin correct or is she just paranoid?

(Of course, we already know that Warren is actually Paul. There wouldn’t be much of a movie otherwise…)

What Worked?

Mia Kirshner kicked ass in the role of Melissa/Erin! I loved the fact that she the same reaction to all of this that I would probably have — which is to say that she was really annoyed and kinda wished that everyone would just go away.

What Did Not Work?

Despite having a somewhat interesting plot, the film just failed to hold my interest. Maybe it’s because I was busy obsessively cleaning the living room but I found my mind wandering through the entire film. It has all the elements for a good Lifetime film but they never quite came together.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have a sister named Melissa and a sister named Erin! Okay, so technically, that’s not really a “just like me” moment but I love my sisters.

Lessons Learned

Chicago is full of gangsters.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #134: Sugarbabies (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Sugarbabies!

Why Was I Watching It?

The main reason, of course, is that it was on Lifetime. But beyond that, I was watching the film because I was genuinely curious to see how Sugarbabies could possibly be any different from Sugar Daddies and Babysitter’s Black Book.

What Was It About?

It’s pretty much exactly what you would expect. Katie (Alyson Stoner) wants to go to an expensive university and study art history but her bald father is kind of a jerk and her family is supposed to be so poor, despite the fact that they live in a huge house. Once Katie enrolls in school, she discovers how expensive an education can be.

Fortunately, her friend (Tira Skovbye) has a suggestion. All Katie has to do is join a website called Sugarbabies. (It’s always the internet’s fault.) Wealthy businessmen pay her for her companionship. Soon, Katie is spending all of her time with the wealthy James (Giles Paton) while ignoring Sean (Keenan Tracy), another student who has a crush on her. (Sean doesn’t help himself, however, when he gets drunk and throws up on her shoes. Seriously — ewwwww!) However, when Katie starts to get too serious about their “realtionship,” James stops paying Katie and Katie is forced to look for a new sugar daddy.

Meanwhile, Katie’s other friend, Rochelle (Sarah Dugdale) has a similar arrangement with a much older (but surprisingly nice) businessman (Ken Camroux-Taylor). Will Rochelle be able to secure her financial future before her sugar daddy dies of the heart attack that everyone will see coming from a mile away?

And, while all of this is going on, how is Katie going to explain to her parents where all of her new money is coming from?

And will all of the characters in the film ever realize how silly they all sound every time they use the term “sugar baby” in a sentence?

What Worked?

This was a fairly good example of a “Let’s see what everyone’s wearing and where they live!” type of Lifetime movie. The clothes, the offices, and the apartments were all to die for.

(Plus, seeing what everyone was wearing provided a nice distraction from the rather predictable storyline.)

Among the supporting cast, Ken Camroux-Taylor gave a good and sympathetic performance as a lonely businessman. He wasn’t in many scenes but he took full advantage of every minute of screen time that he got.

What Did Not Work?

Ultimately, Sugarbabies just could not escape the twin shadows of Sugar Daddies and Baby Sitter’s Black Book. Sugarbabies was alright but it was just never as much fun as Sugar Daddies, nor did it have the subtle hints of existential crisis that distinguished Baby Sitter’s Black Book.

Add to that, Katie was not exactly the most sympathetic of protagonists. She came across as being rather bland and judgmental. If you’re going to embrace the Lifetime version of what it is to be bad, at least have fun while you’re doing so. What you should not do is be like Katie and spend the entire movie wandering around with the same glum expression on your face, angry that you’re actually going to be able to get an education.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Rochelle had red hair and liked to wear black lingerie. OH MY GOD, JUST LIKE ME!

One thing that definitely did NOT make me go, “Oh my God! Just like me!” was the film’s depiction of what it was like to an art history major. We only saw Katie attend one art class and it was taught in a lecture hall that was always half-empty. Whenever the film wanted to remind us that Katie was supposed to be a design genius, it would have her either say that she needed to go work on her term paper or else have her look at a nondescript piece of furniture, get excited, and say, “Oh, I love pieces from that period!”

(That’s the equivalent of having a character look at a painting and say, “Look what the artist does with color here.” It may sound good to people who don’t know any better but for those of us who actually studied art, comments like that are the sure sign of someone with no idea what he or she is actually trying to say.)

Speaking as someone who majored in art history (and who is proud of her degree, regardless of what the President says about it), I really wish I had gone to Katie’s college because it appears to be home to the easiest art history program in the North America! Seriously, I could have saved myself a lot of time that was spent studying.

Lessons Learned

Never turn down a handout. And if you do turn down a handout, you lose the right to then start whining about how you don’t have any money.