Lisa Marie Caruk | Through the Shattered Lens

After I finished up with The Perfect Daughter, it was time to continue cleaning out the DVR by watching Get Out Alive. Get Out Alive originally aired on March 27th on the Lifetime Movie Network and it is quite possible the silliest movie that I’ve ever seen on Lifetime.

Now, that’s not necessarily meant as a complaint. Part of the appeal of the movies that premiere on Lifetime and LMN is often the very fact that they are so silly and melodramatic. Get Out Alive is a film that not only embraces the melodrama but practically drapes itself in it. And while the naysayers may complain that Get Out Alive doesn’t make much sense, they’ll be missing the point. It’s not about making sense. It’s about being entertaining.

Or, at the very least, memorable.

Or, at the very, very least, it’s about going totally batshit crazy during the second half of the movie. Get Out Alive started slow. For the first hour, I was unimpressed. But then it went totally batshit crazy during the second hour and I said to myself, “This is why we watch Lifetime movies!”

Get Out Alive tells the story of a young married couple. On the outside, they look perfect. But, once you start to dig and actually look under the surface, you discover that they are on the verge of breaking up. Lucy (Beverely Mitchell) is organized and practical to a fault. She is not spontaneous. She does not take risks. For some reason, she wears absolutely no makeup, which she really could have used in a few scenes. (She also could have benefited from doing something with her hair.) Meanwhile, husband Greg (Ryan Williams) is all about taking risks and living life to the fullest. Their marriage has become so strained that Greg was even briefly tempted to cheat.

Well, what better way to fix things than to go to a marriage retreat? They’re invited by another couple, both of whom swear that the retreat will work miracles. And, at first, everything seems fine. The retreat is located in a beautiful wilderness. The cabins are nice. There’s an older, friendly couple who immediately befriend Lucy. Sure, the guy in charge (played by Vincent Gale) is a little creepy but who are we to judge, eh?

(Did I mention that, like most good Lifetime films, Get Out Alive is a Canadian production?)

However, there are a few things that make Lucy suspicious. For instance, there are guards wandering all over the compound. The old couple vanishes. At one point, Lucy tumbles down a hill. Greg suggests that maybe she just tripped but Lucy is convinced that she was pushed!

So, what’s happening here? Well, as I watched Get Out Alive, I came up with two theories.

My first theory is that the whole thing was just a big trick to make Lucy think that she was in danger. Seeing Lucy frightened would cause Greg to realize how much he loved his wife and then the movie would end with the guy in charge emerging and revealing the hoax. “You saved our marriage!” Greg would happily proclaim.

That was one theory. My other theory was that the retreat was actually an elaborate ruse to steal Lucy and Greg’s internal organs and sell them to the highest bidder.

Which theory was right? You’ll have to watch the movie to find out! I’m sure it’ll show up on Lifetime again at some point in the near future. Lifetime is pretty good about continually rerunning their movies.

But anyway, my point is that Get Out Alive is totally ludicrous and kind of silly but that’s kind of the film’s charm. It makes so little sense and takes place so far outside of the realm of probability that it becomes oddly fascinating. Add to that, the film’s title doubles as good advice.

You should always get out alive!

On Friday night, after we saw the movie Hanna, a friend Jeff and I returned back to my house and retreated to my bedroom where he eventually fell asleep and I tried to sleep. Insomnia, however, won out and I ended up watching a Lifetime horror movie called The Haunting on Sorority Row.

Why Was I Watching It?

I couldn’t get to sleep. Poor me. So, I turned on the TV, checked out what was on the DVR, and as soon as I saw The Haunting of Sorority Row, I knew what I had to do. Somehow, I forgot that, regardless of how low I turned down the sound the last time I was watching it, whenever I turn on my TV, the volume is always reset to full blast. So, as soon as I hit play, the TV literally thundered to life and woke up not only Jeff but probably the rest of the neighborhood as well.

As I frantically turned down the volume, Jeff sat up in bed and asked, “What’s this?”

“It’s a movie,” I said, “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.”

“I bet it’s a horror film,” he said.

“Yeah,” I nodded. Then I looked over my shoulder, gave him my wicked little smile (well, I like to think of it as being my wicked little smile), and I added, “It’s a Lifetime horror film.”

“Oh,” he replied, sounding much less enthusiastic.

Anyway, The Haunting of Sorority Row put him back to sleep in about five minutes. Me, I still haven’t slept which is why I’m still sitting here in my beloved Pirates t-shirt while Jeff peacefully sleeps behind me. Maybe after I finish writing this, I’ll give sleep another chance.

What’s The Movie About?

It’s about a haunting on sorority row. More specifically, it’s about a really angry ghost who is determined to kill the four sorority sisters who are hiding a secret. Their ringleader is Leslie who is played by an actress named Lisa Marie Caruk. And that’s a great name. Anyway, Blair Waldorf herself, Leighton Meester, is also pledging this haunted sorority and she is determined to set things right.

What Worked?

Oh, this is a Lifetime Movie so everything worked. I mean, you know what you’re getting with Lifetime and part of the reason why we love Lifetime movies is because they’re all exactly the same. The perfect Lifetime Movie is the epitome of a stupid movie that can be best enjoyed by intelligent women with a healthy sense of the absurd. I’d like to think that I qualify on all three of those.

That said, there were a few things that worked even if you decided to ignore the fact that they were found in a Lifetime film. Not surprisingly, the nearly-all female cast was a lot more likable and their roles were a bit more developed than you’d expect to find in a horror film. Leighton Meester is probably one of the most underrated actresses working right now and she does a great job playing the film’s “final girl” while Lisa Marie Caruk has a lot of fun playing the bullying head of the Sorority.

Another thing that worked here was the great pleasure that I got out of imagining how many of you guys rented this film thinking it was a typical, Dead Women In Lingerie Slasher Film just to discover that it was instead a Lifetime movie.

What Didn’t Work?

This film works pretty well as a Lifetime movie but it totally sucks as a horror film. A lot of this is due to the fact that this is a TV movie which pretty much means that it can’t really show anything that would scare us.

As often happens in Lifetime movies, the main character’s boyfriend is a eunuch. In this one, we’re asked to believe that an 18 year-old boy would refuse to have premarital sex with Leighton Meester. Yeah, right. Because boys have so much self-control…

Finally, this is another one of those films that suffers from having a final twist that’s so obvious that most viewers will figure it out before the movie even begins. Yes, it’s that obvious.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

There’s a scene in which one of the unfortunately sorority sisters ends up getting trapped in the shower and scalded to death by hot water. This is scene vaguely disturbed me because 1) I’m claustrophobic, 2) I have a fear of scalding water, and 3) I’ve actually managed to get trapped in a shower before and I had to scream and scream until someone heard me, ran into the bathroom, and told me that I needed to pull (as opposed to pushing) the shower door in order to open it. Of course, my hands and arms were too busy trying to cover up me for me to take his advice on the door. So, I said. “Thank you. sir,” and then waited until he left.

Otherwise, it was hard for me to relate to this film because I never pledged nor did I ever want to pledge a sorority in college. I was actually invited to do so by one of them but, at the time, I said, “No, that’s way too bourgeois for me.”

“Bourgeois?” she replied, confused.

Lessons Learned

I definitely did the right thing by never joining a sorority.