Karin Schubert | Through the Shattered Lens

1979’s The Teheran Incident opens with a daring theft. A cruise missile with a nuclear warhead is stolen from a Russian military demonstration and somehow transported to pre-Islamic Revolution Iran. (I say somehow because I’m not really sure how one moves a cruise missile from one country to another without anyone noticing.) The plot was masterminded by the Baron (Curd Jurgens), an international criminal who lives on a yacht. With the help of Professor Nikolaeff (John Carradine, making no effort to sound Russian), the Baron plans to use the missile to blow up a conference that’s being held in Iran.

When an American diplomat is murdered after discovering the Baron’s plan, American spy Alec Franklin (Peter Graves) is sent to Teheran to investigate. Alec teams up with KGB agent Konstantine Senyonov (Michael Dante, who makes even less effort than John Carradine to sound or even come remotely across as being Russian). Together, they investigate the Baron’s operations, which means spending a lot of time wandering around Tehran while a “wacka wacka” beat plays in the background. They also spend a lot of time in a casino because all international criminals own a casino. The Baron, I might add, is such a diabolical villain that he actually hides a cruise missile underneath his casino.

The Teheran Incident is an example of what I like to call “James Bond On A Budget.” In the 60s, 70s, and 80s, the Bond films were a big deal and they inspired a slew of imitators. Most of these imitation Bond films were made by people who really couldn’t afford to spend the millions of dollars that went into the Bond films. What’s important though is that they still tried. It’s hard not to appreciate the effort that goes into trying to recreate a luxurious casino without going bankrupt. The film has the ambitions of Las Vegas and the look of Reno and it’s hard not to look at it and say, “Well, at least they tried. They didn’t give up, even if maybe they should have.” Also, as was the case with many of the budget Bonds, the producers were able to get at least Bond veteran to appear in the film. In The Spy Who Loved Me, Curd Jurgens stole a nuclear missile and got shot in the crotch for his trouble. In The Teheran Incident, Curd Jurgens steals a nuclear missile and gets to hang out on a yacht with his mistress and collection of pinch-faced henchmen. Along with both films featuring Jurgens as their main villain, both films also feature a villainous plot that doesn’t really make much sense. But only The Teheran Incident has John Carradine!

As for our heroes, Peter Graves does his job with his usual stoic professionalism while Michael Dante comes across like he’s never even picked up War and Peace, much lest read it. The true star of the film is the disco soundtrack, which is entertainingly out-of-place and impossible to get out of our head.. This is a bad film that you can dance to!

Apparently, the pre-Mullah Iranian government enthusiastically helped with the production of The Teheran Incident, hoping for a popular film that would bring tourists to Iran. Unfortunately, before the film was released, the Iranian government fell to the Islamic Revolution. (I guess it’s a good thing we took care of that cruise missile.) Needless to say, when it was finally released, The Teheran Incident did not do much to help Iranian tourism.

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The international terrorist and casino owner known as The Baron (Curd Jurgens) has stolen a Soviet-made nuclear warhead. With the help of Prof. Nikolaeff (John Carradine), the Baron is planning on dropping the warhead on an international peace conference that is being held off the coast of Iran. American Alec Franklin (Peter Graves) and Russians Konstanine Senyonov (Michael Dante) and Galina Fedorovna (Karin Schubert) want to prevent the Baron from doing that but, in order to stop the Baron, they’re going to need the help of Leila (Pouri Baneai), a member of the Shah’s secret police.

Missile X was a German-Italian-Spanish co-production that was shot on location in Tehran with the full cooperation of the Shah of Iran. The film goes out of its way to attempt to present the Shah-era Tehran as being a modern and welcoming city, the type of place that anyone would by a fool not to choose for a vacation. The Shah’s secret police are portrayed as being friendly and heroic and the only time the name “Ayatollah Khomeini” is mentioned is when Alex and Leila are listening to a radio and a news report mentions that Khomeini is far away in Paris. Leila turns off the radio in the middle of the report, as if to say, “There’s someone will never have to think about again.” Unfortunately, for both the film and the world at large, that was the case. In an example of truly bad timing, Missile X was not released in the United States until December 10th, 1979, six days after Khomeini officially took control of Iran and a month into the Iran hostage crisis. By the time the film was released, the Shah had long-since fled Iran and was seeking asylum and medical care in the United States.

As for the film itself, imagine a Bond film with no car chases, no exciting action sequences, no creative gadgets, and no one-liners. Imagine also that the main Russian was played by an American who don’t even attempt to speak with any sort of accent. On top of that, imagine if James Bond himself came across less like a ruthless super spy and more like an insurance executive trying not to overspend on the company account while on a business trip. Curd Jurgens actually did play a memorable Bond villain in The Spy Who Loved Me but he sleepwalks his way through Missile X. Not even giving him a mute henchman with a knife-hand can make the Baron seems dangerous. Even if you can overlook all of that, the Baron’s plan never makes sense. What does he have to gain from blowing up a peace conference? Alec and Konstantine both agree that the Baron’s actions will probably start World War III and lead to the end of the world but it’s never explained why the Baron would want that. Presumably, the Baron would end up getting blown up with everyone else.

Of course, you don’t have to imagine any of this. You can just watch Missile X — The Tehran Incident.