Julian Morris | Through the Shattered Lens

Horror can make a political statement, it can make you reflect on your status in society, or it can just entertain. The first two types are good, but it’s also nice to just have fun! “Sorority Row” written by Josh Stolberg & Peter Goldfinger and directed by Stewart Hendler is a 1990s throwback. It had a real “I Know What You Did Last Summer” feel to it. Honestly, the reviews are not fair to this film. A lot of people want horror to be all things, but it’s supposed to be fun too. So, just relax and have a good time. Also, it doubled its money, which is what a movie is supposed to do- especially horror. It’s one of the few genres left that can produced by mere mortals.

What I liked mostly about the film was the writing. It had a lot of great humor without it being campy. I’ve gotten to know Josh Stolberg on twitter the script has quite a bit of his personality: clever and quick-witted. I especially enjoyed Jessica (Leah Pipes). As a man who went a Greek dominated college, she was very realistic. Her character and one-liners gave the story a mix of comic relief and reality. I practiced Criminal Law for waaaaay too long and I can tell you that even honest people can turn to something wicked if they feel threatened. People will invariably choose themselves over a possible life ending punishment.

The plot is similar to the original House on Sorority Row: a prank run a muck. The girls belong to Theta Pi and they to love to party, prank, and get murdered. Garrett a brother of the Sister “Chuggs” cheated on Megan another Theta Pi, which is not okay! So, the sisters have her fake an overdose so that Garrett believes he killed Megan. The sisters: Jessica, Ellie, Cassidy, Claire, Megan, and Chugs are all in on the prank are a little too convincing because they make Garrett believe that they need to hide Megan’s body in a mine shaft or their lives will be ruined. The sisters say they have to get rid of the air in Megan’s lungs or she’ll float back up. So, Garrett takes the initiative as a true go-getter and uses a tire iron to stab Megan to death. Jessica decides very quickly that they need to hide Megan’s body for real. When Cassidy refuses to participate, they wrap the corpse in Cassidy’s coat and throw it down the mine shaft. Jessica really thinks fast on her feet.

I don’t know about you, but I think Jessica would be good marriage material. Hear me out: she’s determined, quick-thinking, has a college degree, and is ruthless to protect her goals. Also, Cassidy tried to be all above it, but as Jessica said- “you could’ve called the police, but you didn’t!” Agreed. You don’t get to benefit from something wicked and then look down on everyone else. Jessica made her choice and stuck to it. She made a good point as to protecting everyone’s future and ran with it. Cassidy kept Hamletting over her bad choices. Do it or Don’t. Jessica, don’t listen to the haters.

All seems fine a year later. They’ve all moved on except for Garrett who has become a wreck over his humiliation and accidental murdering. Then, they all receive a threatening group text on their very old timey looking phones- 2009 was just ten years ago and these phones look like museum pieces.

This technology allowed for some extra suspense because reception and tech wasn’t that great then; therefore, the characters can be cutoff from help. I really think horror shouldn’t be set any time after 2009 because it’s just too easy to get help now. This lack of tech added a nice layer of suspense. The text sender stalks and murders them one by one.

The kills were pretty clever: an electrocution, death by chardonnay, tire iron throwing, and a good ol’ fashioned stabbing or three. It also had a fun twist at the end like the 1990s horror films of my youth. I recommend this film. Read my past reviews- I don’t just recommend anything. I’m an iconoclast and can tell you that this was a lot of fun. Happy Horrorthon!

Before I get into this quick review of Dragonheart 3, I better admit that I haven’t seen the first two Dragonheart films. I assume that they all had something to do with dragons. As a result, I can’t tell you whether or not Dragonheart 3 is better than Dragonheart 2 or whether it’s worthy of being associated with the original Dragonheart.

But, then again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ultimately, all films — even sequels and prequels — have to be able to stand on their own and be judged based on their own individual merits. And, speaking as someone who knows nothing about the previous films in the series, Dragonheart 3 has a good deal more merit than you might expect.

The film’s plot … well, does the plot really matter? Surprisingly enough, it does. It’s obvious that the filmmakers understood that the main appeal of the film would be to see the dragon but they at least made an effort to keep the film’s non-dragon scenes interesting as well. Taking place in post-Roman, pre-medieval Britain, Dragonheart 3 tells the story of two separate societies that are divided by Hadrian’s Wall. On the “civilized” side of the wall, villagers live in fear of brutish knights who, in the best tradition of governmental overreach, claim to be providing protection but are mostly just interested in collecting exorbitant taxes and bullying the citizenry. On the other side of the wall, fierce warriors live in the wilderness and resist all forms of government control. Meanwhile, an evil sorcerer named Brude (Jonjo O’Neill) plots to conquer both the civilized and the uncivilized.

(And if I wanted to, I could explain how the civilized side of the wall represents our corrupt federal government, the warriors on the other side of the wall represent the grassroots political activists, and Brude represents any number of cynical politicians and so-called “community organizers” who have used those activists to pave their way into becoming a part of the same corrupt government that they claim to be attempting to reform. But, I’ll save that for another day…)

On the civilized side of the wall, cocky Gareth (Julian Morris) wants to be a knight but, when he proves to be too kind-hearted to be an efficient extortionist, he is expelled from the knighthood and told that he can only rejoin if he pays a penalty. Later, that night, Gareth sees a comet fall onto the other side of the wall. Thinking that the comet will contain gold, Gareth sneaks over the wall and goes in search of it.

When Gareth does finally find the comet, he discovers that it contains several eggs and a dragon named Drago (voiced by Sir Ben Kingsley). It also turns out that Brude is also hunting for the dragon and its eggs and, when Gareth is severely injured while fighting Brude’s warriors, Drago saves Gareth’s life with an infusion of blood which leads to Gareth and Drago sharing a heart and becoming psychically linked…

There’s a surprising amount of plot in Dragonheart 3 but it can all be boiled down to this: Brude wants to conquer Britain and he’s cast a spell that allows him to occasionally control Drago. Gareth has to both break the spell and defeat Brude. Along the way, Gareth learns from Drago’s noble example and becomes a stronger knight and a better man.

Against all expectations, it’s all actually rather nice and sweet, with surprisingly good CGI for a low-budget, direct-to-video film. As well, Kingsley brings a wounded dignity to the voice of Drago and Julian Morris gives a sincere and likable performance as Gareth. It’s doubtful that anyone would have noticed if the two of them had just gone through the motions but instead, both of them give performances that elevate the entire film.

However, I have to admit that my favorite character was Rhou (Tamzin Merchant), a warrior who joins with Gareth and Drago to battle Brude. Not only is Rhou fierce and fearless but, much like me, she has red hair! Only 2% of the world has red hair and we all kick ass.

Dragonheart 3 is currently available on Netflix and it’s not a bad way to spend 97 minutes.