Lead With Your Heart (2015) – At this point, I have seen 98 Hallmark movies. I think this is the best one I have ever seen. Honestly, there isn’t a whole lot to say either. The movie is about a couple played by Billy Baldwin and Kari Matchett. Their children are leaving for college and she gets a temporary job out of town. As a result, the two spend more time apart then they probably have in close to 20 years or more. What follows is just a nice little story about how they adapt to their situation. It doesn’t go the easy way and have one of them cheat, or almost cheat, then reconcile. That’s what you would expect. That’s not to say that some people don’t show interest in them, but instead of being a true temptation, it acts as a signal to them about how they need to change to keep their relationship together into this new territory. I especially liked the ending because it involved real compromise and not some fairy tale giving up success for something humble.
You have no idea how refreshing this was to see. Especially considering Hallmark then aired a movie called Just The Way You Are, which I will talk about, that is basically the same, except terrible.
For a Hallmark movie, I can’t recommend it enough.
Family Plan (2005) – This is more of the standard middle of the road Hallmark movie based off of a plot device that would have made for a screwball comedy in the 1940’s. In this case, Tori Spelling’s company is taken over and for no other purpose then to give this movie a reason to exist, she is advised to pretend she is married. Seriously, this other lady gives her a ring, she puts it on, then she can’t get it off. So, she has to pretend to her boss that she’s married. She hires an actor to play her husband. She also picks up a daughter from her friend. You know how the rest goes.
This kind of movie sinks or swims on the charm of the actors involved. They are no Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, or Katharine Hepburn, but they work well enough. Spelling has never been a great actress, but she does a certain kind of part well and this is one of them. The other actors are in the same boat.
It does get a little boring because it’s so by the book, but that just means it’s a little below average. Like I’ve said before, it won’t kill ya.
One funny goof. In the credits, they forgot to capitalize this guy’s last name.
Just The Way You Are (2015) – This movie on the other hand can kill you. It will make you beg for another Aurora Teagarden mystery movie where you can just watch Candace Cameron Bure run around like she’s high on cocaine. Also, you won’t be able to listen to Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are for awhile. At least there’s still She’s Got A Way!
It’s basically the same thing as Lead With Your Heart. It even used a licensed song like Lead With Your Heart did. In this case, it’s the original. In Lead With Your Heart, it was a cover of Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong. A couple a ways into their marriage are getting stale in their relationship. Unfortunately, Candace Cameron Bure’s character works for a matchmaking company that uses stupid rules for making relationships work. Yep, it’s one of those movies.
Bure’s idea is for her and her husband to start blind dating while following the rules. It’s all a bunch of boring and stupid nonsense. I remember when that book The Rules came out in the 90’s. Why are we still doing this stuff 20 years later? It’s always the same thing. Yes, statistically certain things show up as significant, but of course following them blindly won’t work. Human beings are far more complex than any set of rules you can attempt to derive through study of them. This isn’t news, and we don’t need yet another movie to remind us of this fact.
Don’t watch this one.
Perfect On Paper (2014) – I usually save the computer screen goofs for the end of the review, but I think this time they belong at the beginning.
Near the start of the movie, they do a decent job of faking a site called SomebodyDateMe.com.
But later in the movie, they show a horribly faked website for a fictional school called The Horrock’s School.
Look at that thing! First, no school would have a webpage that looks like that in 2014. Second, notice the URL is a local file. Third, notice the specific HTML document they are looking at is called “donovan2.html”. Finally, notice that the URL clearly shows they did, or tried, to setup an XAMPP LAMP stack, then either couldn’t figure it out, or just didn’t run it for some reason.
The whole movie is kind of like that. It feels slapped together. It’s about a book editor who is offered a glamorous position in Los Angeles. The whole thing is about her friends trying to reshape her into an LA power girl stereotype to keep their major client played by Morgan Fairchild. Of course, it’s Hallmark, so there’s also a guy.
See that little bit of grey peeking out from behind that bush? That’s the guy. She throws the coffee over her shoulder and hits him. If you don’t pay close attention, then you won’t see what looks like shears drop from his hand and it’s not mentioned. In other words, you’ll likely think this guy was just behind that bush for no reason except to have coffee land on him and meet her.
He’s the opposite of the “Perfect On Paper” guy that her friends want her to be with for her job. Of course, she was never the glamorous type to begin with. Here, I have to give them some credit because they went with a girl who honestly isn’t glamorous. She’s not especially attractive. That was really nice to see and it fit her character.
You know how it all works out. The only thing to mention is that since they want you to clearly see the difference between the main character and the other girls, questionable trendy clothes show up. I hope they burned this thing after they shot the movie.
This one is definitely below average. Like I said, it feels slapped together, people kind of stumble through it, and you just want it over with.
A Stranger’s Heart (2007) – This is a movie A, movie B, type film. Movie A is about being in a hospital morbidly awaiting someone to die, but have a heart left over for you to receive via a transplant. Movie B is about how all those things we ascribe to our heart in metaphor are literally transferred by what the film calls “cell memory”. Movie A works. Movie B is honestly a little creepy.
The movie begins by introducing our leading lady as a child. This part is kind of unintentionally funny. I know why we need to kill off her mom, but did it need to happen by her stupidly wandering onto a street while singing Oh, Susannah? Then we learn that the little girl had heart problems and then suddenly we’re in the present with her grown up in the hospital. Like I said before, this part works. She is in there with several people including the guy she ends up with. The movie does a good job of getting across trying to find humor in that kind of a situation while waiting for something horrible to happen to somebody else in order to save your life.
Then movie B kicks in. She gets a heart, her female friend gets a heart, and her future boyfriend gets a heart. The female friend starts craving something she hadn’t drank since she was little. Then a little later in the film she goes and meets the family whose daughter’s heart she now has. She comes back complaining that the family basically didn’t see her as their daughter reincarnated. That’s where this film switches from your biological structure changing to a literal transference of high level thoughts and feelings via the heart.
It turns out our boy and girl both received their hearts from a couple who died in a car crash leaving behind their daughter. Then the two of them basically start stalking the little girl who is now without her parents. It’s kind of well meaning, but it is creepy because the movie does want you to believe they have somehow received the love her parents had for her through a heart transplant complete with dreams about the little girl. And yes, it carries this idea all the way through to having the little girl with them as essentially new parents carrying their old parents within them as if the heart is like a symbiotic creature we carry within us.
This movie is a mixed bag, but since it is a Larry Levinson Production, that does mean computer screen screw ups.
If you can, read that fake webpage. It’s like reading someone’s template rather than an actual post. Also, look at the bottom left hand corner. They took a screenshot of a Windows XP machine and have her looking at it on a Mac.
The Confession (2007) – This movie is a standard you’ve seen it a million times before soap opera type plot. You have a rich lady who gave up her daughter for adoption a long time ago and is fading health wise. You have her husband who is a gambling addict that wants to inherit her money, but has just been cut out of the will because of his addiction. He runs into an aspiring actress and hires her to play the long lost daughter so he can get the estate through her. The actual daughter turns up a little late and gets taken in as a servant. You know how the rest plays out.
The only difference here is the girl is Amish. That’s it. This is the second in what is either going to be a trilogy with the upcoming film The Reckoning or an ongoing saga. There is enough open ended stuff attached to this movie to warrant another film.
There are two actors you’ll recognize here. Sherry Stringfield from ER is the rich lady and Adrian Paul from Highlander is the husband. I thought they did a good job. The only real problem I had was with the Amish girl who is played by Katie Leclerc. She tries to do a Pennsylvania Dutch accent and it doesn’t work. She’s Texan born and raised in Colorado. Also, it doesn’t help that the actress in the movie fakes a Pennsylvania Dutch accent, thus making us notice Leclerc’s fake accent even more. That is, when she’s actually doing it. When Leclerc gets hired as a servant she magically switches to an American accent. I get why she needs to do it, but people don’t naturally have that ability. I haven’t seen the first film called The Shunning (2011) where the same character was played by Danielle Panabaker, so I can’t speak to whether she was any better at pulling off the accent.
If you don’t let the accent part bother you, then this is fine little soap opera. I am curious how they are going to reconcile her suddenly being in the money with her Amish past since they don’t do it here.
Oh, and no, it doesn’t end with Leclerc chopping off the fake Amish girl’s head because there can be only one. Adrian Paul also keeps his head.
Be My Valentine (2013) – Since Hallmark just aired a new movie called Lead With Your Heart (2015) with Billy Baldwin, they played this one that also has Billy in it. The movie begins with Kate Burlingham (Natalie Brown) who is about to watch Alec Baldwin in It’s Complicated (2009), when Billy climbs in through her window and rescues her. Just kidding. Her flower store is in a fire and Dan Farrell, played by Billy Baldwin, is the head firefighter. Of course the two are going to come together during the upcoming Valentine’s Day.
Just like Second Chances (2013), while the adults are supposed to be the feature presentation, it’s the child actors that are the most enjoyable part. In this case, it’s Baldwin’s kid and a girl named Rebecca. I don’t know why the adult romance had to be here at all. The story of the two kids is far more interesting and I think Baldwin does a good job as the dad trying to guide his son through young love. It’s also where one of this films funniest parts comes from. When he first meets Rebecca, she is reading a book. He asks her if she plays the games too because apparently, the books don’t make sense if you don’t play the games as well. She says she plays the game on her phone, notebook, and computer. But then he says a version just came out on “the cloud”. He says it’s “majorly interactive” to which she responds “I’m so going to hook into that.” What I want to know is if I can play Teddy Boy on “the cloud”.
Or, since this is a Hallmark movie, will my Bible games play on “the cloud”?
It’s stupid questions like this that come to mind when the characters say stupid things because the writers wanted to sound hip. Or maybe that’s just how Canadian kids actually talk. Oddly, while that part of trying to make the kids sound like kids, they get something else almost right on button. Baldwin suggests that instead of brining Rebecca flowers or chocolate, he get more creative and make a mixed tape. After a little confusion for the kid, he figures out that he can make a DVD composed of videos (I think music ones) for her. That’s kind of a reasonable update of the classic mixed tape. Kudos on that one.
This is one of those films that is shot in Canada, but Baldwin walks around with an American flag on his uniform so it’s totally the United States.
It’s fine and enjoyable. It’s a little out of the blue when an old boyfriend shows up to sort of disrupt things a little, but he goes as quickly as he came.
Chance At Romance (2013) – This one is a real skipper. It doesn’t get much more generic and forced for a Hallmark romance movie, then this one.
It’s about a girl named Samantha Hart (Erin Krakow) who wanders into a photo gallery showing. Heath Madsen (Ryan McPartlin) is the photographer. She likes his work so she goes to his website to look at some of his photos. In this movie he’s a pioneer of HDR photography. She decides to shoot him an email to tell him she likes his work. However, the email ends up in his son’s hand who proceeds to have a back and forth with her pretending to be his dad. He wants her to meet his dad. Her invites her over, something happens weather wise, and that’s how the two are forced to spend time with each other till they fall in love. This movie goes so far as to have him literally show up on a white horse at the end to take her away.
It’s really boring. There are much better Hallmark romance films out there. Go with Be My Valentine out of the four movies I mentioned here.
However, it does have one thing that is of note for someone like myself who has seen too many Hallmark movies. In three other Hallmark movies they either mention or outright have one of the actors play the Wii. In this one they have moved from pushing that Nintendo console to pushing the Wii U.
Since I want to watch and review all those animated movies that have come out in the last 5 years or so called Monster High, I thought I needed to watch this. Dear God, I hope they have nothing to do with each other. So let’s talk about this Monster High that is totally not supposed to resemble Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986) in anyway.
It begins by giving us a warning:
“WARNING
Some scenes may be considered objectionable by sensitive viewers, dead people and farm animals. On the other hand, if you like that sort of thing…”
I’ve sat through Salo, among other things, so I wouldn’t say I’m a sensitive viewer. I’m dead inside, but I don’t think that counts. I’m definitely not a farm animal even though I guess I can be milked. That’s the kind of jokes to expect in this movie. It’s 80’s lowbrow shlock. So what’s next movie?
“Picture in your mind the farthest point in the universe. Our story begins just a couple of blocks past that.”
This is a lot of build up for a movie that’s just a series of bad jokes with monsters in a high school. Now we are introduced to a guy with the longest name and title I think I have ever seen in a movie.
He notices that for some reason the destruction of Earth has been postponed. Apparently, Mr. Armageddon is to blame. So the Monster In Charge orders a report on the last 24 hrs of Mr. Armageddon’s existence. Why? I can only guess because they thought the movie wasn’t annoying enough without one, so we need a narrator. The Monster In Charge puts a CD that looks like a GameCube disc into his computer and starts to watch the video report. We meet Dume and Glume who have stolen the “ultimate weapon”. Unfortunately, they don’t get far. The box drops on and kills a dog (Shicksah Anne Spear) in front of a high school.
And yes, that is the actual name of the dog in real life. I love when a movie credits something that isn’t human so it ends up in IMDb as an actor. The dog is just continuing in the fine tradition of it’s predecessor’s such as the chicken named Friendly in Supercock (1975).
The doomsday weapon turns out to be a basketball. This happens at exactly the same time when Mr. Armageddon is woken up by his alarm clock. Oh, and if you think that means there is going to be a 25 minute long sequence where the kids play basketball with Mr. Armageddon and some monsters for the fate of the world, then you’re sadly correct.
Yeah, that clock is probably the only actual funny thing in the movie. So, of course Mr. Armageddon comes to the school and puts Dume and Glume on ice. Then he goes over to a statue and turns it into a “horny rubber monster”. Think that’s the only condom joke in this movie? Of course not!
Now the mayhem begins. Mr. Armageddon has some weird priorities in who he kills. First he offs one of the Cheerleaders/Pep Club members, which makes sense for a horror movie. But before he gets to the second one, he finds Todd Uppington Smythe AKA Dickhead to his friends and uses a “Can O’ Condom” on him.
But he gets it off and I guess he’s the one who becomes a zombie as a result? I’m not sure. Then another cheerleader dies. Well, now Mr. Armageddon needs to get some allies. Oh, and Dume and Glume woke up during this time. He makes a mummy come alive. He creates a monster with a computer monitor for a head. He starts growing a killer weed. And since it’s random in the movie, there’s this guy who keeps appearing to wake up from a nightmare, but it’s just reality again.
Need another low brow joke? Now we are informed by our useless narrator that Dume and Glume’s ineptness can be illustrated by the fact that they were once a “third-rate song-and-dance act.” Let’s hear those lyrics!
“You got your penis and your prostate and your ovaries.
You got your fimbriae and your scrotum sac.
And if your hymen is gone it ain’t coming back.”
Truly the Lennon and McCartney of their world. Wait, why am I describing this garbage? Here’s the highlights.
The monster that comes out of a guy’s shoe after that’s all that is left of him.
The advanced sex ed classroom. No joke, that’s what they call it.
Because this was 1989. Do I have to spell out what this is from?
When you do weed. A literal giant weed will come and drag you away.
Now the surviving kids strike a deal with Mr. Armageddon to play a game of basketball to postpone the destruction of Earth by 1,000 years. Yeah, it’s as dumb as you think it is.
Pretty sad looking team, huh? Not as sad as their cheering section.
Mr. Armageddon is winning the game because his computer player is an excellent shot. So the kids figure out a way to reprogram him. To do that, they need to fight a zombie. Once that’s done, the humans win the game. Oh, but only after a scene of the winning shot where the ball dances around the rim. This must go on for a minute and a half or more. it’s really stupid.
Then Mr. Armageddon and the monsters are sent away. That’s it! That’s really it. It’s basically a poor man’s version of Class of Nuke ‘Em High. A bevy of sex jokes with some actual bare breasts. Poor attempts to make fun of movie cliches. In particular, making fun of horror movies. I like a good piece of 80’s garbage as much as the next person, but this is just lousy. I can’t recommend it.
I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. Back when I reviewed Safari 3000 (1982), I mentioned this film exists. I got it from Netflix and finally buckled down to watch it. I think I may have found the Tromaville version of The Holy Mountain.
No, not the German mountain film with Leni Riefenstahl. I mean this The Holy Mountain.
Yes, that is The Holy Mountain I’m referring to. And yes, that is The Hall Of 1,000 Testicles. But when you don’t have the budget to make something that bat shit insane and it’s the 1990’s, then maybe you end up with something like Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills. The movie begins by showing us what Beverly Hills looked like two million years ago. And wouldn’t you know it? It looks just like the movie Planet of Dinosaurs (1977).
Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills
Planet of Dinosaurs
Then we cut to modern day. But don’t worry, because the stock footage from Planet of Dinosaurs is seen again several times. That’s one of the meta jokes in this movie that the stock footage keeps getting in the way or is used as someone’s dreams. Well, two guys are doing a dig in the area when Salvador Dali shows up. No joke, that’s his name.
Salvador Dali
He does the angry native bit, but has some magic to back it up. He turns one guy into a lizard and curses the other guy’s wife to become a Pterodactyl. That wife is played by none other than Beverly D’Angelo. And boy does she just go all out in this movie. I could stop writing right now and just show a serious of screenshots of her throughout the movie. But let’s talk a little bit about it.
You young ones might not no, but back in the 1990’s, this is how we were taught about sex in the United States. That, or this is a Troma film so of course there is cock and dick humor. I’m not trying to be nasty, her husband is named Dick and they make penis jokes in this movie beyond that screenshot. In no time, D’Angelo starts acting weird.
Yeah, just go ahead and swallow that whole thing there Beverly. People won’t remember the pictures of dicks you were pointing at only a few minutes before. They’ll just think you are swallowing a fish while Dame Edna points at you.
Now D’Angelo turns into a Pterodactyl at night and acts weird the rest of the time. After a particularly hilarious sex scene where her husband screws her as a Pterodactyl because it’s a Troma film, we then see her in all her glory.
Well, there goes the neighborhood. Now the family, friends, and neighbors have to come to grips with her being a Pterodactyl. Some of the neighbors get together for a meeting and this is actually a weird scene. Not because of anything they are saying, but because it keeps cutting to the back of them for some reason. Made me think of those long lingering shots of nature in A Talking Cat!?! (2013).
And that’s not the only bizarre thing happening with the cinematography. There are frequent uses of a fish eye lens on the camera.
I’m guessing just to remind us how weird everything is. I didn’t need that to remind me I was tripping balls because shots like this did it just fine.
This movie moves pretty quick so that sex scene earlier means she’s pregnant. But before she has the kid, I’m guessing they felt the need to poke fun at David Lynch? That’s my best explanation for this strange sequence in which D’Angelo is slipped a “blue mickey”, dances around, then CGI’s into a Pterodactyl.
Once that baby comes, then the film winds down pretty quick.
The husband remembers now how all this happened and takes the family to the desert to find Salvador Dali again. This scene is loaded with stock footage, self referential jokes, lot’s of fish eye lens, and plenty of D’Angelo acting nutty. Salvador Dali even talks to the stock footage at one point calling it stock footage and telling it to go away. The Dali cures her and that’s the end.
I did leave some stuff out, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t need the play by play. It’s a bunch of stuff that is wacko. It does seem to want to have a bit of a message of acceptance. But mostly, I think it’s Troma Productions Lloyd Kaufman 101. Think up the most ludicrous, freakish, and outlandish stuff you can, figure out a way to string it together, then film it. I mean even The Battle Of Love’s Return (1971) basically followed that formula, and I believe that was Kaufman’s first Troma film. This one was done by Philippe Mora. Whereas the collection of incredibly fantastic scenes in The Holy Mountain somehow gel. In this film’s case, I think it’s a mess. I really can’t recommend sitting through this.
But I guess it was worth it for me. Gives me a good excuse to revisit The Holy Mountain.
A Wish Come True (2015) – If Pete’s Christmas (2013) is Hallmark’s Groundhog Day (1993), then A Wish Come True is kind of their Big (1988). The movie is about a girl named Lindsay Corwin (Megan Park). For a a good chunk of the beginning of this film she looks like a teenager. The opening scene may even be of her as a teenager. I’m not sure because the next thing I knew, she was about to turn 30, but looked the same. And this picture later of her supposedly at 18 sure didn’t help.
Each birthday she makes a wish, and each time it doesn’t come true. Until her thirtieth birthday, when they all come true at once. Just like Big, this catapults her far beyond where she is supposed to be at her age. Promotion, big house, etc. She even receives a toy house that I’m pretty sure Celine and Julie were once trapped in (pretentious cinema snob joke).
As is almost always the case, there is a romantic interest. The movie is one of the average ones of this sort. You really can’t spoil it because of the nature of a Hallmark movie, but I will say it doesn’t quite end like Big. Same sort of result, but a little different. This one is worth seeing. Just remember she’s actually supposed to be 30 even during the scenes where she has glasses and her hair up. Trust me!
Love By The Book (2014) – You see that picture of the girl (Leah Renee) in the poster. She doesn’t look like that in the movie. That poster makes her look like she could be believable as a smart, kind, business woman with a passion for books. This is closer to the way she looks in the movie.
Even that isn’t completely accurate. I apologize for the lack of a proper screenshot, but you’ll have to take my word for it. She’s the girl you cast for the stuck up high school cheerleading bitch. This is a David S. Cass Sr. movie and just like Class (2010), Keeping Up The Randalls (2011), and Uncorked (2009), one or two of the leads has been cast against type. In this case it’s the girl. The guy is fine in the role. Nothing amazing, but he fits. She does not. She looks like she belongs in Mean Girls (2004) with her squeaky voice and I don’t buy her being able to add, let alone run a business. Whoever keeps doing the casting for David S. Cass Sr. Hallmark movies should be fired. It isn’t fair to the actors and it ruins the movie. They aren’t good enough to play against type, so cast them appropriately so they can do their thing.
The movie itself is about a girl who owns a bookstore and has a business consultant thrust upon her by a big investor in her business. He tries to help her, she resists, she has a boyfriend who obviously doesn’t belong with her, and you know where it ends up.
It would be average, but Leah Renee is totally miscast and it nearly completely ruins the film. It’s not a total crash and burn though.
Oh, and kudos to the Art Department for bothering to setup an XAMPP LAMP stack to run their fake webpages on.
Signed, Sealed, Delivered: Truth Be Told (2015) – We are going really far back to my very first Hallmark movie roundup. I even received what I think is my one and only thumbs down so far. I assume because of my rather harsh review of Signed, Sealed, Delivered: From Paris With Love (2015). I try to tell you what I thought having watched it. And having watched the most recent entry in the series, I stand behind it. This is one series on Hallmark where they really need to air at least from the Christmas episode up to whatever they are currently showing before the new entry airs. This isn’t one where you can just jump in anywhere like the Aurora Teagarden or Garage Sale Mystery movie series. Hallmark really seems to be carefully trying to craft something special that is notches above their usual material. It’s not fair to you and the series to just jump in at any point. At least not without then going back and watching the earlier ones. I still have to see the pilot/first movie myself.
So, the movie itself. We once again join the Postables as they call themselves at the dead letter office of the United States Postal Service. There is a letter that has been in a fire, but clever Norman (Geoff Gustafson) knows a way to bring the ink back to life from his time in the system as a kid. I really liked this short little procedural part. It honestly made me think of Dan Aykroyd’s character in Sneakers (1992) when he tells Robert Redford how to defeat a keypad lock form an old friend who was in Desert Storm. On the other side of the conflict. They give Redford what sounds like complex instructions, but it turns out it’s just kick the door in. I would love them to have Norman do more tricks like this in the future that he has picked up from his many childhood friends. I also want more procedural elements in general. I think I would enjoy the show more from seeing them work together rather than a personal backstory revealed through an encounter with something from one of their pasts.
This one does that though. This time poor Oliver (Eric Mabius) gets a visit from his father who he has no desire to see. Let me take a moment to say, can we please both give Oliver a break, and give him a marijuana brownie or something to let him loosen up for a bit. The poor guy is wound tighter than a drum. Also, I half expect him to open up a letter and find it has anthrax in it or something else horrible happen to him in the next film. In this one, his father has a bomb to drop on him (not literally).
While Oliver confronts his past, the letter leads Norman and Rita (Crystal Lowe) into the life of a young girl who’s Mom mysteriously disappeared in Afghanistan. It turns out the letter was written by someone else, not the mother. She hires them to find out who wrote it. At present, the mother is presumed to have worked with the enemy. The “Truth Be Told” of the tile is something that Oliver didn’t know about his father and the young girl finding out the truth about her mother. Although, I think we are going to find out even more about her in the next entry in the series.
The only other thing I can think to mention is that Rita has a romance novel she is writing. Apparently, there’s a scene in it where a woman is accidentally branded. I have no reason to believe otherwise, but I think she means branded like Cecil B. DeMille’s The Cheat (1915) branded. I want to hear more from this novel. She certainly seems to have more of a sexual imagination than the guy who directed Bikini Spring Break (2012) and Jailbait (2014).
I think you can come in to this without having seen the prior ones, but really, if you can, record it and hold on till you see the previous ones. I think you will be doing yourself a real favor.
A Ring By Spring (2014) – This is paint by numbers Hallmark. You can tell from the title. Hell, that picture would probably have you thinking it’s offensive to women. It’s not.
The movie is about a business consultant played by Rachel Boston. She is called in to help a company that buys used college supplies, then resells them. She gets a reading that says she will have a ring by spring or she never will. Honestly, she doesn’t seem to take it very seriously, which is nice. It’s just kind of in the back of her mind. Of course, we know she is going to end up with the nice guy who runs the business rather than anyone else she might meet.
The two things that work are the ending and Boston herself. I won’t spoil the ending, but it’s not a proposal. It’s a nice little, ah, I get it moment for Boston’s character followed by her ending up with the guy. While the stuff leading up to it didn’t work so great for me, the ending did.
The other thing that works is Boston’s facial expressions. I think it’s her big eyes, but she does some great shocked looks.
Seriously, the movie is worth seeing just to watch her face.
Unfortunately, this movie is one of those that screws up computer screens. And again, it’s a stupid mistake that they for some reason beyond me decide to show in a lingering closeup. In this case, Boston is talking to a guy via her iPad, but we can clearly see it’s just video playing that she is talking to. It’s only made worse when in a following scene she is shown a video and we can clearly see it looks the same as her supposed chat.
I really don’t understand why the closeup was necessary. Especially when in the same scene it’s fixed because presumedly the top of the video went away since they weren’t touching it or they touched it to make it go away. Probably they noticed it, touched it to make it go away, but didn’t reshoot the earlier scenes.
I said the ending worked for me, but the real reason is to see Boston do her looks. She does the same sort of thing in A Gift Of Miracles (2015). I forgot to include screenshots that time, but I did describe the expression on her face like she just saw Chuck Norris eat a Cadillac. I haven’t enjoyed an actor almost solely on the basis of their facial expressions since Jim Carrey.
I’ll try and keep this short, unlike the movie, which if you watch the director’s cut as I did, comes out to about five and a half hours. Once you’ve sat through something like Jacques Rivette’s Out 1 (1971), which comes out to a little over twelve hours, this isn’t much. Also, despite what I’m going to say about it, it’s problems don’t come from it’s length. A lot of movies damage themselves by going past two hours, but not this one. The length really wasn’t an issue for me.
I’m also not going to pick out all the little stupid things like you see me do with Hallmark movies. Yes, Stellan Skarsgard says the Christian church split up in 1054 into Roman Catholic and Orthodox, but it actually fractured a long time before that break. Or the onscreen text, which you would expect in a Godard film. Especially when Skarsgard brings up Fibonacci numbers. That probably only ticked me off because I went through about nine years of college level computer science and really don’t want to hear about Fibonacci numbers ever again. Also, there’s a scene where she makes one attempt to have sex with black guys. It kind of reminded me of that “documentary” from the early 1970’s called Black Love. It’s there to mention that men are homophobic, but she is implicitly homophobic since sex with a woman is never brought up in this sex addict film. Von Trier also whips out the Two Kinds Of People In The World cliche, but it only makes sense if everyone is right handed. Well, let’s talk about the movie.
First, if you’re a fan of Lars Von Trier, then it’s a no brainer. This movie is for you. Don’t hesitate to watch it. If you are like me and love Breaking The Waves (1996), then this has similar material, but it’s not even remotely as moving. If you were offended by Dogville (2003) like I was, then don’t worry, this isn’t offensive stuff. It’s just boring.
The movie is about a girl named Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who recounts her life as a self proclaimed nymphomaniac to Seligman (Stellan Skarsgad). The movie cuts back and forth between the actual story and then Seligman’s thoughts on it. Kind of like sitting in on a therapy session if it were being conducted by college students in a debate class. And that’s where this film’s biggest issue is for me. A lot of the analysis feels pedestrian or the kind of thing you would expect in a college paper written by a student who hopes the teacher will be impressed. And at times its almost like argument for arguments sake. Like when you’re in a class and a topic is tossed out for discussion. The topic may actually be rather simple, but people keep trying to throw things in to pad out the conversation to fill the class time. A lot of the dialogue feels like that sort of thing.
The story begins when she is a little girl and takes us up to the events that led Seligman to find her in the alley outside of his place at the beginning of the film. Her father is played by Christian Slater who I think does a good job. His British accent may be a problem for you, but it wasn’t for me. Neither was it a problem for me with Shia LaBeouf’s character who is a male presence in Joe’s life pretty much throughout the film. The accent was a problem for me with Uma Thurman’s character though.
There’s a point where Joe just starts referring to the men in her life by letters. She casually tosses them around. During one of these scenes, Uma Thurman shows up as the wife of one of the guys who’s there with Joe along with their kids in tow. The scene is supposed to start a little funny, then get really uncomfortable as it keeps going. Like when Thurman asks if she can show her kids the “whoring bed”. The problem for me was the accent. If they had just let her speak normally, then it would have worked, but it was a voice that at this point in her career is obviously not her’s and I can’t suspend disbelief. So the scene was just hilarious to me. Especially when she actually screams. That made me think of Julianne Moore in Map To The Stars (2014), which also had me laughing.
This film has been dismissed as porn or on the flip side, played up for showing so much. People especially like to mention that the sex is unsimulated. Well, it really doesn’t count in my book if that isn’t Shia LeBeouf’s penis, which it isn’t. They use CGI to graft porn actors genitalia onto some of the actors. So it’s not anything to brag about. Is it porn? Far from it. Anybody who tells you that has no idea what they are talking about. It probably comes closest to an exploitation movie at best in that department.
I said I wouldn’t pick out little flaws, but there’s a big one I have with the title and her consistently referring to herself as either a nymphomaniac or being addicted to sex. She’s not really addicted to sex. She’s addicted to sex like someone who only smokes Marlboro is addicted to cigarettes, but won’t smoke any other brand. She’s like that. She’ll take penetration by a penis, give a blow job, and poorly dabbles in S&M. That’s really it. She’s rather discriminating about what she’ll do. Another analogy is like when someone says they’re a cinephile, but that means to them that they love watching highly acclaimed foreign films. An addiction to something broad like movies or sex means you’re indiscriminate. However, I get why Von Trier sticks with the term nymphomaniac because the movie does have a reason to make sure the apparent love of sex and guilt about it is explicitly associated with a female character. The ending depends on it.
The only thing that was kind of noteworthy to me was how the way the movie is shot changes in the final part of the film. It’s divided into chapters and in the last one Von Trier either shot it to get film grain and over exposed lights or did it in post processing. I think it was probably a reference to a movement in film he was involved in back in the 1990’s called Dogme 95. You can watch something like Thomas Vinterberg’s The Celebration (1998) and it will look similar.
Honestly, it’s not a bad movie, but it’s really for people who like Von Trier stuff. If you like his stuff, see it. If you don’t, definitely skip it. If you’re totally new, then don’t start here. Begin with Breaking The Waves and Europa (1991) before wading into films like The Idiots (1998), Dancer In The Dark (2000), Dogville, and beyond.
I guess after watching Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life this had to be the next roundup. Also it’s been 21 of these things since I last spotlighted this genre of movies. I know how that kid could have been cured of his addiction. Watching these four movies.
Passionate Intentions (2015) – This one wasn’t even in IMDb when I watched it. They’re still processing my submission as I am writing this. This movie is one of those that has the absolute bare minimum plot, and the rest is just sex. It’s about a couple. The girl is about to inherit some money and it comes between them for awhile. Really, who cares. However, while the acting is bad, the plot doesn’t exist, and the sex is boring, it’s actually rather pretty. Here’s two shots.
The movie may be bad, but at least it was well shot. That’s way more than can be said for some of these. Sadly, they didn’t get someone as good for the sound cause that’s a little off.
Oh, and if somebody knows, then tell me what was with this guy and these dog tags. There are two sex scenes with him where he is wearing them. I don’t remember any explanation given. Is this some fetish I’m not aware of?
Sexual Wishlist (2014) – Just like Passionate Intentions, this movie has the as little plot as possible and as much sex as possible thing going on. This time it’s a divorce and an argument over who gets a couple of things that keeps them having sex with other people. But this movie has two things Passionate Intentions didn’t have.
Frankie Cullen
Christie Stevens
I’ve seen Frankie Cullen in several of these movies now and he is almost too good for them. I know he has done a few, but he really should be doing B-Movies rather than these. He has enough acting talent for it. His presence usually lifts the movie up.
Unfortunately, Christie Stevens does the opposite. She gives the worst performances I have seen in any of these movies. Her line readings make Ryan O’Neal in Tough Guys Don’t Dance (1987) seem amazing.
At least her lines in Intergalactic Swingers (2013) were so cheesy that it really didn’t matter, but here she is wretched.
Also, some how this movie and Passionate Intentions were shot by the same person, Lex Lynne Smith, but the difference in quality is almost night and day.
Pleasure Or Pain (2013) – Now that director Zalman King is no longer with us, they seem to be slapping his name onto anything he did. He’s the one who brought us the Red Shoe Diaries. You know, the TV show and movie series that David Duchovny narrated. I always found it funny that you could watch him on network television in the evening, then tune into late night cable and watch him there too. But to the movie.
This is Fifty Shades of Grey if that movie could have actually shown anything. Seriously, that almost tells you exactly what to expect here. Cut out the pointless relationship BS, horrible attempts at characters, and the stupid negotiation scenes and replace it all with arty eroticism. That’s Pleasure Or Pain in a nutshell.
As you can see, clearly what was missing from Fifty Shades of Grey was a miniature boat. That’s our Christian Grey.
That’s our Anastasia Steele narrating the story from what appears to be a radio broadcast booth. I’m not sure if they ever explain exactly where she was and it really doesn’t make any difference.
The two meet, get married, and then it’s just erotic scenes from then on. However, while the settings and exact situations may change, it goes to a certain point and never further. Just like Fifty Shades of Grey did. Both go only so far, then dance around there, but don’t actually do anything. King really tried to get arty with this. There’s one scene that both made me think of Jodorowsky’s The Holy Mountain (1973) and what must have been going on at One Eyed Jacks when Lynch wasn’t there filming Twin Peaks.
It’s the best of the four films here, but you will get sick of the erotic stuff. There’s really just so so much of it. I was already hurting by the mid point of the movie wanting the thing over with.
Monster of the Nudist Colony (2013) – Now we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. Take a whiff of those fingernails because that smell is Monster of the Nudist Colony. Not even Frankie Cullen could save this one.
There’s an ape loose at a nudist colony where all people do is have sex. For some reason Cullen, a detective, is sent to investigate. And investigate he doesn’t. The movie is just some of the worst shot on video sex I have seen since Sexually Bugged! (2014). In fact, I’m quite sure that it’s the same crew. I even recognize some of the music, which by the way, is the worst music ever. And it has lyrics. One of them keeps repeating that he’s “Johnny Wet Pants”.
While everyone is having sex, the ape kidnaps and ties up a couple of the girls like Fay Wray or something. Just like the kid in Cyber Seduction is cured by jumping in a pool, two girls dancing naked while tied to poles turns the ape back into a man. Cause of course it does!
This really is the worst kind of these late night cable movies. It’s one of those where the girls look into the camera looking for approval like they’re a cat that’s just brought a dead rat to their owner.
I completely get why this is one Lifetime movie that Lisa hasn’t written about. This is a total mess of crap. I’m going to borrow Lisa’s format she often uses for reviewing Lifetime movies because otherwise this would probably just be reduced to a string of expletives.
Why Was I Watching It?
Because I was too stupid to listen to the slew of negative reviews on IMDb. Instead, I was intrigued and managed to find a copy of this thing.
What Was It About?
I can tell you what it was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be about a teenage boy who gets addicted to porn. In reality, I think it’s about how seeing big breasts means you will become addicted to energy drinks and you will go insane when you go through puberty and never masturbate.
The movie begins with a kid who has been beaten up jumping into a pool. Cut to three months prior and the kid is swimming in a meet. In no time, this kid is introduced to porn and since his girlfriend wants to remain a virgin, he gets hooked. He also just gets hooked on energy drinks at the same time. Because it’s nearly impossible to look at porn without massive amounts of caffeine in you. Honestly, I think they put that in the movie so they would have even more of a reason for why his swimming and school work suffers.
His Mom (Kelly Lynch) spots the porn because this kid is too stupid to close his door. He’s dumb enough to not shut his door, but later he suddenly becomes smart enough to hack through the library firewall to look at porn. HA!. Later he introduces his younger brother to porn.
Now, when I say he’s addicted to porn, it’s a little more complicated. Sometimes it’s just plain porn like this.
But a lot of the time it’s this girl named Monica who apparently goes to school with him. There is so little information about her that all I can say is that she is supposed to be a senior. Honestly, I’m quite sure they never even tell us why she puts herself out there like that. No money seems to come her way. At least the girls on Degrassi: TNG set up a business.
The film plays out like the kid has a drug problem. You’ve seen those films a million times so you know how it plays out. There’s really only two things left to talk about.
First, this bizarre scene where he is surrounded by women in the water.
Second, the ending of the movie. I hate to use the word slut, but I honestly don’t know of any other way to describe how they portray Monica. She actually meets with him at a restaurant, moves to the other side of the booth, grabs his hand and puts it on her breast. No explanation whatsoever except she seems to be super horny. It’s really weird. Now the ending. He appears to get beat up by the boyfriend of Monica because she’s a slut, then he jumps in the pool, and is suddenly cured of his porn addiction. This movie is more of a mess than Nukie.
What Worked?
Nothing. Okay, it did get the bit right about how porn sites would generate a seemingly endless amount of popups. I really think that’s it.
What Did Not Work?
Everything else.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
I have also looked at porn on the Internet. But I was never dumb enough to do it when my parents could easily see it. It’s no wonder his parents say that swimming is the only way he’s going to college. It’s not money. They know their son rivals Bill Pullman’s character in Ruthless People (1986).
Lessons Learned
If someone tells you there is a Lifetime movie worse than this, then avoid it because your life may depend on it. Honestly, I have not watched a movie this bad since Ricky 1 (1988). Up to now I have only referred to it as the movie that shall not be named, but this is on par with it so I have no choice. That means it’s horrifyingly bad.
Just Desserts (2004) – It’s not every day that I get four decent Hallmark movies. This one I actually enjoyed quite a bit. It’s about a baker whose family bakery is falling on hard financial times. There is a cooking contest going on and he decides to enter. Apparently, his family has some baking secrets. Our main character Marco Poloni (Costas Mandylor) knows his stuff and even some of the bigwigs in the industry, but got slighted along the way and decided to kind of remain in obscurity. However, with the bakery in trouble and a contest that could help draw crowds, he decides to step out of the shadows. Problem is he needs a partner. That’s not an issue though. During a conversation at a fancy restaurant where he is having a discussion on the bakery being bought out, he tries a dessert and it’s almost right according to him. He has a partner! It’s pretty funny, because he comes back to the restaurant and just barges right into her kitchen to ask her to help him with the contest.
The rest is exactly what you expect. What makes it work is largely Costas Mandylor’s performance. Lauren Holly does a good job too. Amazingly, this movie was directed by Kevin Connor who brought us the epic disaster Strawberry Summer. The only problem I can think of here is that I was disappointed that they didn’t have Poloni make a reference Nicolas Cage’s character in Moonstruck (1987). Seriously, you see him walk in front of ovens in a white undershirt and you want him to yell, “I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride!”
I definitely recommend this one.
Before You Say ‘I Do’ (2009) – This one you really have to judge in two separate parts. This movie is about a guy (David Sutcliffe) who proposes to a girl (Jennifer Westfeldt), only to have her change her mind because she was burned by a bad marriage 10 years prior. So while going through a yellow light, he makes a wish that something could be done about what happened to her 10 years before. He is then hit by a car and now he’s in 1999.
The first part of this movie works. The two actors and Lauren Holly do a good job. He immediately goes to where she was working in 1999 believing that they will fall in love at first sight, but it doesn’t happen. So, he warms up to her friend played by Lauren Holly and works to make his way into her life while also trying to talk her out of the upcoming disastrous marriage. This stuff works well enough to enjoy the film. I liked David Sutcliffe and Lauren Holly. Jennifer Westfeldt is good enough. Kind of looks like Phoebe from Friends though. This part really is okay.
But there’s the second part. That’s the time travel. It’s not broken per se, but it’s like they didn’t even try. Really, the only honest attempt I saw to make it look like 1999 was that they had all the computer screens be CRTs. Jennifer Westfeldt looks exactly the same as she did in 2009. They didn’t even bother to change her hair. They also leave it up to you to figure out that he hasn’t gone back in time Back To The Future style, but Quantum Leap style. That is, instead of physically traveling there and thus, there being two of him, he has become unstuck in time and slipped back into his 1999 self. Also, if you went back in time to 1999, we all know it would come up at least once. But nope, he never mentions 9/11. They could have fixed that issue completely by just having him go back 7 years instead. It’s a stupid mistake that is just one more thing that should have been fixed if they were going to put in any effort to the time travel part of the story.
Still, throwing aside that the time travel stuff is a bit of a mess, the romantic comedy works well enough. Not a seek out, but you’ll be okay if this happens to be on.
Taking A Chance On Love (2009) – It’s weird, but unintentionally I am working backwards through The Note trilogy. This one is definitely better than the third one. It’s still forgettable, but better. This time Peyton McGruder (Genie Francis), the advice columnist, has a woman come up to her and say I love your column, but your advice on taking a chance on love is idiotic. Then she just walks away. It’s rather humorous.
In this one McGruder is not married to Kingston Danville (Ted McGinley). Also, we get to meet the girl that McGruder gave up for adoption many years prior. I think near the end of the film we find out McGruder tried to kill herself while she was pregnant with her. Since that didn’t pan out, she gave birth and put her up for adoption. It seems the girl’s parents went out of the picture and McGruder came back into her life. I’m sure all this information is in the first film. Unfortunately, this movie kind of leaves you in the dark for about 30 minutes. You will think that it’s impossible to watch this one without having seen that one. But that’s not true. You reach 30 minutes and there’s enough exposition that you can follow the movie. Till then it’s a little rough.
Basically, there are four things going on here. The lady who came up to McGruder and insults her needs help resolving a very old incident involving two guys and baby that happened many years ago. McGruder needs to get over her hesitancy and just marry King. McGruder’s daughter needs to stop drinking and not feel she’s in any danger if McGruder gets married. Finally, King and his son need to both get on the same page about the son wanting to be a photographer. That’s it. Just like Signed, Sealed, Delivered, it’s very character driven, not plot driven. It’s not as good as Signed, Sealed, Delivered though.
For those of you who remember when I reviewed the third one, yes, McGinley does have an assholery moment that happens for a minute without really any lead up or anything to follow it. I really want to see the first one just to see if that one has a similar scene. I’m not sure why that’s a thing with these movies, but it seems to be true.
Also, because this is Hallmark, it should be no surprise that two actors from Degrassi: TNG make an appearance. John Bregar who played Dylan is King’s son and Raymond Ablack makes a brief appearance.
Married With Children meets Degrassi: TNG
Oh, and unless I missed something or the plot summary on IMDb is wrong, that’s not a California license plate.
This one is fine, but I get the feeling that The Note trilogy is like the first five Friday the 13th movies. Individually, there not so good, but taken together, then you have something. I’ll find out eventually. Just as all streams lead to the toilet in computer science, it seems that all Hallmark movies eventually come to me. I swear that’s a saying I read in a computer science textbook many years ago.
Growing The Big One (2010) – Nope, you’d think there was, but according to IMDb there’s only a serious of porn films called Chasing The Big Ones. Not sure how Hallmark lucked out on this title, but good for them.
Now let’s talk about the movie. This is probably my favorite of the four films here. I like Shannen Doherty. She’s never going to win any major awards for acting, but I always seem to enjoy her performances. Kavan Smith is good too. I enjoyed him on Eureka. He is actually pretty interesting because of the way he looks. He can easily come across as a really kind and nice man, but all he has to do is make the most subtle adjustment to his facial expression, and it’s oh my God, he’s a psychopath. For some reason I really like that about him.
Doherty plays a radio show host from Seattle whose grandfather dies so she goes to the country to see this pumpkin farm she has inherited. Suddenly, her job back home disappears when she hears someone else on the radio in her slot. Well, not disappear, she’s reassigned. They want her on this plant show because everyone is going green these days. It’s stupid and Doherty calls them on it, but once her boss hears she now has a farm in the country, her fate is sealed. Thus, Doherty now lives in the country where she broadcasts and livestreams via webcams about a subject she is totally ignorant about.
Enter Kavan Smith! If he was in the film before this, I don’t care, nor do I remember because I want to believe this was the first time we see him. In the middle of the night he tries to break into her house and Doherty nearly maces him. He claims he was fixing the lock because he was friends with her grandfather, but we know he was there to steal the pumpkin seeds. Her grandfather was well known for growing the biggest pumpkins because of his secret method and special seeds. Is there a contest for growing the biggest pumpkin that will make the show a hit, carry the rest of the film, and bring Smith and Doherty together? Of course there is!
This is a movie that works because the two actors are just so enjoyable to watch. I didn’t really think they had any chemistry together, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed it.
One other thing to mention. There is a guy in town who sells manure. His mascot is a superhero character. He even dresses as this superhero at one point. They never say it, but that means his mascot is Shitman.
“If you listen to fools. The mob rules!”
-The Mob Rules by Black Sabbath (1981)
I’m finally taking Lisa up on doing my own review of this thing. Guess I kind of have to after reviewing Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults. Is this really going to be my thing now? Reviewing fundamentalist paranoia films and other religious movies. Well, they can be entertaining, and I’m still hoping to find a copy of Super Christian 2, so maybe. If you want to skip right to the sermon, then I’ve marked it below. Otherwise, let’s get this party started.
The movie opens at a rock concert. The band is playing a generic song about having an unspecified good time. Since this film is about how rock music is a tool of Satan, I have to call bullshit right here. We all know that Kool & the Gang’s Celebration didn’t become a sin till Ross played it using the bag pipes on Friends.
Then we cut to a house where loud rock music is playing. This is when we meet Jeff who clashes with his mother over rock music. He storms from the house, gets in his car, and drives off. He nearly gets into an accident because he’s so worked up. He turns on the radio and the song that is playing has the lyrics: “Can’t walk on water. Got a ball and chain.” When you have a son that doesn’t like you telling him to turn down his music, what do you do? Well, complain to your husband that’s out of town, then call his youth minister. The youth minister can surely remind him of obedience. Not that she tried to do it herself. Her husband even asks if she talked to him again, but she says no that won’t work. Oh, and where Jeff drove to is church. This kid is clearly on a highway to hell.
“I’ve had enough of being programmed
And told what I ought to do
Let’s get one thing straight
I’ll chose my fate
And it’s got nothing to do with you”
– You Don’t Have To Be Old To Be Wise by Judas Priest (1980)
Next we cut to the youth meeting at the church where one of Jeff’s friends is complaining about everyone coming to the church to tell him how sinful he is. Jeff says to himself that he feels a certain way. That whatever that is, is the reason he clashes with his mother. This is the first mention of a main part of the message in this film. That being that rock music actually controls you against your better judgement. You know, the same thing that people who claim to speak for God can. Just pointing out when they do the, but it’s okay when Christianity does it, bit.
Then he gets home and apologizes to his mother. Also, apparently there were two kids that were saved at the meeting. I know what he means, but based on the rest of the material in the movie, being saved apparently means giving up all individuality and free will to follow what older people tell you God wants you to do. Then he goes into his room and turns on the stereo. The song is great. The lyrics keep repeating “devils and demons have taken your life.” No, no, no. If we are going down that route, then I have much better lyrics:
“God told me to skin you alive.
I kill children
I love to see them die
I kill children
And make their mamas cry
Crush ’em under my car
I wanna hear them scream
Feed ’em poison candy
To spoil their Halloween”
-I Kill Children by Dead Kennedys (1980)
See ma, it could be much much worse.
Now mom meets with youth pastor Jim Owen about how her son gets angry when he is told he can’t listen to the music he enjoys. Owen is quite interesting in this movie because of the things he says. First, his mother says Jeff’s attitude changed when they gave him his own stereo. This is when Owen talks about Jeff’s rock music problem in an interesting way. He uses the same language that someone would if they were talking to a parent that thought their child’s drug problem was a recent development.
Owen explains that kids identify so closely with their music that an attack on it, is an attack on them. True. He even says that it’s especially true when you don’t know anything about the music the kid is listening to. Keep that piece of advice in mind for the feature presentation final sermon of the film. But then he says that most parents aren’t knowledgable about rock music. Really? This came out in 1982. Is this film claiming children of the 1980’s were given birth by people who lived their lives prior to 1982 in caves? Of course they are because as everyone knows, when the 1980’s came, it became time to pretend that the 1960’s and 1970’s never happened.
He says that Jeff could come up with scriptural evidence that she shouldn’t be watching soap operas. Then he actually gives her some good advice about parenting. It’s always a little weird when propaganda weaves in the good with the BS. The next line is the BS: “Rock music is one of the most difficult things a Christian young person must deal with.” Seriously?
What about his girlfriend here? I think learning about safe sex or even abstinence is just wee bit more important than anything about rock music. Owen agrees to meet with Jeff.
This part is really funny to me. Owen reminds Jeff of a conversation they had when Jeff came in to talk to Owen about his salvation a year prior. They don’t tell you till the very end of the movie, but this film was put together by Baptists. Baptists don’t baptize you till you are old enough to make that choice yourself. That’s probably why the title is the way it is.
After quoting a few lines from the bible, Owen asks Jeff if his music can be included in his life of glorifying Jesus Christ. Jeff asks how he knows where to draw the line between acceptable music and unacceptable music. Owen of course gives the Protestant response that the answer is in scripture. Keep that in mind during this film because you will never see Jeff consult scripture. Not once.
Then we get more BS from Owen: “Illicit sex, drugs, mocking God, the occult. Aren’t these things often found in rock music?” Jeff responds that not all rock music is like that. True. Then Owen says that some contemporary music wouldn’t fit in to any of those categories, but that they mainly are the exception. Really? So this says two things to me:
1. That means rock music only turned evil recently.
2. Owen is really ignorant of rock music and music as a whole.
Now comes the experiment. Owen tells Jeff to try and not listen to rock music for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks he is supposed to do research on whether rock music has a place in his Christian life. Keep that in mind too because Jeff doesn’t do any research. He reads one book and then turns into a raving maniac. But back to the experiment.
This is where Owen gives him some music from his own personal collection. I know what you’re thinking, but no, we never hear the music that is supposedly safe. Now he tells him to research rock music to find his own conclusion. But then he says based on scripture, not an opinion. How can it be your own conclusion if it isn’t an opinion. Jeff doesn’t understand, so Owen explains that opinions change, but God’s word doesn’t cause the Old and New Testaments are exactly the same, right? Then he says that dedication and surrender apply to his music. Why? Why does he have to do and believe everything in the music he listens to? Isn’t he supposed to use his brain?
“Everyone goes through changes
Looking to find the truth
Don’t look at me for answers
Don’t ask me
I don’t know”
“You gotta believe in someone
Asking me who is right
Asking me who to follow
Don’t ask me
I don’t know”
“Nobody ever told me
I found out for myself”
-I Don’t Know by Ozzy Osbourne (1980)
Where to start the research? Well, Owen has some books. We only see one.
That’s The Big Beat: A Rock Blast by Frank Garlock. I haven’t read it, but here’s a quote from it listed on Amazon.com.
“Yes, I believe that we can definitely conclude that rock ‘n roll is not only a symptom of the problems of teenagers in this generation but also a part of the cause. ‘You know a person by the company he keeps,’ the old saying goes; and, if any music has been guilty by association, it is rock music. It would be impossible to make a complete list, but here are a few of the ‘associates’ of rock: drug addicts, revolutionaries, rioters, Satan worshippers, drop-outs, draft-dodgers, homosexuals and other sex deviates, rebels, juvenile criminals, Black Panthers and White Panthers, motorcycle gangs, blasphemers, suicides; heathenism, voodooism, phallixism, Communism in the United States (Russia outlawed rock music around 1960), paganism, lesbianism, immorality, demonology, promiscuity, free love, free sex, disobedience (civil and uncivil), sodomy, venereal disease; discotheques, brothels, orgies of all kinds, night clubs, dives, strip joints, filthy musicals such as ‘Hair’ and ‘Uncle Meat’; and on and on the list could go almost indefinitely. Perhaps we should include in this list powerless Christianity, because churches and so-called Christian groups who have lost their spiritual power have adopted rock music as a way of reaching teenagers; but what a cheap substitute for spirituality it turns out to be.”
Didn’t think you were going to see another list like that after Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults, did you? Honestly, you could probably go through every single one of those things and find that religion causes them as well. Just saying. My favorite parts are that apparently Black Panthers and White Panthers are listed there. I don’t think most people even know the White Panthers existed. They were an organization created with encouragement from the Black Panthers for white people who supported their cause. Their house band is one of the most important garage rock bands of the era. That being MC5. I can see how this could be very threatening.
“Yeah, but I can see the chickens coming home to roost
Young people everywhere are gonna cook their goose
Lots of kids are working to get rid of these blues
‘Cause everybody’s sick of the American ruse
-The American Ruse by MC5 (1970)
But back to the movie. Because the downward spiral begins now. Apparently, one reading of that book and your life is over. His girlfriend comes over to his place to ask if he got the tickets to the rock concert. She doesn’t say what concert, but since it’s 1982, I’m going to assume they were going to see Duran Duran. Of course they clash and she storms out threatening to go to the concert with someone else. So Jeff goes to bother his other friend Marty. Marty agrees to hear Jeff out.
I was really hoping I would recognize the name of the band here, but that black tape just hides too much! This is where Jeff brings up that some rock groups are involved with the occult. Any examples, Jeff? Nope, he never gives an actual example of a group involved in the occult anywhere in the movie. Then he goes on to complain that the average age of a kid buying a KISS record is 12 years old. Well, the answer is simple. Satan needs to get those kids knighted early on. In all honesty, I’m sure that changed quickly when kids saw the video for Lick It Up.
That’s terrifying!
However, Jeff does make one good point here and that’s if you don’t approve of the lifestyles of certain musicians, then don’t buy their music. But then he says “the record industry is pumping sex and Satanism into the minds of little children.” This is the same kind of us vs. them posturing that Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults was all about. He also throws The Rolling Stone’s into the lot here.
Well, as you can guess, Jeff’s friend tells him to quit preaching to him and that people have a right to their own taste in music. So of course this means he’s the villain when we actually really want to root for this guy. Oh, also he knew the average age of a kid buying a KISS album was 12 years old because he talked to two clerks at a record store. Putting aside that that’s hardly a survey, that means Jeff went into a record store asking about what little kids are listening to. I bet Phil Phillips was in the toy store on his fast at that mall at the same time, but that’s Deception Of A Generation. I’ll get to that video eventually.
Jeff’s girlfriend tries to reconcile, but they just clash again. Now Jeff has to confide in Owen once again. He tells him he went into a record store to ask some people about the music there, but they hassled him when they found out he was a Christian. That’s probably because Jeff opened up the conversation with the question “Do you know what kind of music you are buying?” But we don’t hear that part. We do see Jeff leaving the record store and the music playing nearly tempts him back, but he fights it and walks away. He says he felt like he was being controlled. To late to be worried about being controlled, that’s already a forgone conclusion, Jeff.
Then the bomb drops. Owen was once a drummer in a band. He actually almost talks like he regrets that he had to give it up. I don’t know why? He could have joined a Christian metal band instead of taking the radical approach of rejecting all rock music. I just listened to Lightshine by Resurrection Band and it’s damn catchy, but with Christian lyrics. Well, with that little kick to keep Jeff on the path to crazy town, it’s time to go to a party!
Of course his friend Marty does the unthinkable and puts on rock music. I love that it has no lyrics, but is somehow evil anyways. This is when Jeff has his crisis of faith about a book he read that isn’t the bible and has nothing to do with Christianity. But first he listens to that rock song from the beginning that says “can’t walk on water…”
I love the really moving music that kicks in here. He says he tried so hard. Seems like everything has gone wrong. He says he can’t fight everybody. He wants to glorify Jesus and everything. Even in his music.
Okay, he didn’t try at all actually. He never once looked in the bible which he was told was the be all and end all of where he should draw truth from. Everything went wrong because you went around treating people like garbage. Nobody, even Owen, asked you to fight everybody. You chose to pick fights with everyone yourself, Jeff. How about you glorify Jesus Christ by treating people with love rather than judgement. Nah! That would mean we don’t get the epic sermon. Before he does that, he goes back to the party and tries to tell his girlfriend how he is the one that has been mistreated.
———————-The Sermon———————-
This is where we get told all the things wrong with rock music and he finally gets around to really naming names. I’ll try to take these point by point if I can:
He starts by comparing listening to rock music with shooting up heroin.
Then he says that the carnal part of him still likes rock music. That he can turn it on and his bad mood goes away. But then he says what about the spiritual part. This is where suddenly listening to music becomes something that supplants spirituality and a belief in Jesus Christ. The logic just doesn’t hold water here.
Now he goes on to say that rock is very pervasive and thus has somehow taken the place of the Holy Spirit in guiding your life. Although he never actually does say the Holy Spirit, but that’s what he means.
Then he does something hilarious. He says that at a rock concert people don’t sit quietly in their seats, but dance around so that means they are being controlled. Hate to break it to you Jeff, but that particular part of rock comes straight out of it’s Gospel roots.
Now he goes on to talk about lyrics in rock music. He surveyed some people who said they didn’t really care about the lyrics as long as the music was good. That’s true, but then he goes on to say that in singing along to these evil lyrics, they don’t have the mind of Christ. The main themes of rock are apparently sex and the occult. Jeff really needed a real musical education if he believed that.
Then Jeff declares that some are admitted homosexuals. That’s where any sympathy you might have for him goes out the window. If he was worried about the admitted homosexuals in 1982, then I’m guessing he didn’t survive the 1990s.
Then he goes on to talk about some of the perils of the rock lifestyle like drugs and lots of sex. Except he conveniently forgets that those things have nothing to do with the music itself. That kind of stuff is what happens whenever you give people loads of money, fame, and put enormous amounts of pressure on them. That’s a systemic problem with humanity, not exclusive to rock music nor avoidable by not listening to rock music.
Now he actually claims to have read something from the bible and quotes something that is just a list of things that are supposed to be bad.
Now we get names! Fun time!
One Of These Nights by The Eagles: His problem is that it’s a song about wanting a woman, which isn’t godly. So acknowledging the existence of sex is evil.
At this point he just starts listing song titles under the assumption that they clearly sound evil.
Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones: It’s a song about the atrocities committed by humankind.
Dancing with Mr. D by The Rolling Stones: I wasn’t familiar with this one before, but how exactly is the audience that he is preaching to going to connect that title with a song about Death or a succubus?
Devil’s Den by Jefferson Starship: I’m not going to pretend I completely get the meaning of the lyrics, but it’s clearly a metaphor and probably has to do with American capitalism. Hardly Satanic.
Dance with the Dragon by Jefferson Starship: It’s an anti-war song that references the Chinese New Year of the Dragon.
Evil Ways by Santana: The song basically just repeats the line “You’ve got to change your evil ways.” The only thing to complain about here is that the only sin the girl in the song committed was having a social life rather than staying home and cooking.
Soul Sacrifice by Santana: It’s an instrumental song so I don’t have the foggiest idea what is evil here.
Now comes AC/DC!
Rock ‘N’ Roll Damnation by AC/DC: It’s a song about the very kind of people who made this video. Also, about the problems of the rock and roll lifestyle.
Let There Be Rock by AC/DC: The only sin that I can see here is that they dared to refer to the birth of rock in creationist book of Genesis terms. I guess they should have talked about the evolution of rock instead of treating it like it was created.
Highway To Hell by AC/DC: A song about how it feels to be touring all the time and living your life on the road.
Hell Ain’t A Bad Place To Be by AC/DC: Metaphor, and it is about a shallow man who is taken advantage of by a woman.
Now he mentions KISS album names: Hotter Than Hell, Dressed To Kill, and Destroyer. Wow! Yep, those titles are just awful. No, I mean they’re not that great of titles and no kid, as he keeps mentioning listens to KISS, is going to care one bit about them. It’s only in Jeff’s head that 12 year olds take those titles to heart.
Now comes Captain & Tennille. He complains that even they have tried to change their image by doing songs like You Need A Woman Tonight and You Never Done It Like That. Yep, if your only exposure to Captain & Tennille is Love Will Keep Us Together, Disney Girls, and Muskrat Love, then yes those songs are a little different. Then again, they also covered Shop Around before those songs which is at least as suggestive as anything Jeff has mentioned. Also, Tennille worked with Elton John and is on Pink Floyd’s album The Wall.
Now he brings up Rod Stewart and shouts out the title Da Ya Think I’m Sexy. Then it’s Passion and Tonight’s The Night. Just more complaining about songs that have to do with sex.
Now he just says that if you buy albums with these songs on them, then you encourage them to make more of them. Congrats Jeff, you just figured out how economics works.
But he has to take one final crack at someone. This time it’s Barry Manilow’s Could It Be Magic. With all the examples out there, brining Manilow and Captain & Tennille into your argument makes you sound really crazy. Especially when your speech is supposed to be to teenagers your age. Do you really think that’s what they’re listening to, Jeff?
At this point, I had one question. How exactly did Billy Joel escape Jeff’s wrath. In 1977 he did a song called Only The Good Die Young which is about a guy trying to deflower a Catholic girl. And it did kick up a fair amount of controversy at the time. Billy Joel only got more popular afterwards. This would have fit the illicit sex, the against God, and Jeff’s argument that you should vote with your dollar when it comes to music. Oh, well.
Then it’s a little bit about how if we don’t stick out like sore thumbs and act differently from everyone else, then people won’t think they have to be Christians. His speech kind of sounds like a white supremacist calling for racial separation except swap out white for Christianity. Then he does this.
After smashing a record, probably just Disco Duck, Jeff says he’s made his decision and asks us what ours is. So I can chose to be a raving bigoted fanatic who ceases to think and is just told what Jesus Christ wants me to do till I become old enough to tell younger people what God is telling them to do. Or, I can use my brain, be good to others, and live my life without having to be an awful person. In other words: I wanna rock!
Through the Shattered Lens 