Elizabeth Hoy | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch and Jon go to the beach!

Episode 3.3 “Valley Go Home!”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired September 29th, 1979)

There’s been a string of thefts at the beach. Someone is stealing radios out of cars and then making a fast getaway. Somehow, this thief is able to blend in so well with everyone else that no one even notices him breaking into the cars until it’s too late. Jon and Ponch have been assigned to patrol the beach and keep the radios safe.

Of course, Jon and Ponch don’t just worry about radio thieves. When two women lose control of their car while towing a sailboat, Jon and Ponch are there to not only help them stop the car but also to ask them out on a windsurfing date. (Every episodes of CHiPs found a way to promote the so-called “California lifestyle.” It was probably one of the most effective tourism commercials ever filmed. I don’t even swim and this episode still made me want to go wind surfing.) They also get involved in the rivalry between three local white surfers and a group of Latino teenagers from the Valley. Both groups drive Chevy vans with ornate decals. One gets the feeling that the blonde surfers call their van the “Second Base Mobile.”

This is an episode of CHiPs that takes place at the beach so you’ve probably already guessed that it doesn’t take long for Ponch to find an excuse to put on a speedo. Baker and Ponch not only work together but they also hang out together. On the show, they’re best friends. (Behind-the-scene, Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada were not quite so close.) They spend a lot of time at the beach, eating ice cream. Baker wears modest swim trunks. Ponch walks around in his speedo and shows off his dazzling smile. One gets the feeling that, if this episode had been made in 1999 instead of 1979, Ponch would have been handing out AOL CDs to everyone he met and saying, “When you sign up, I get fifteen free minutes to talk to you.”

Ponch has a theory that the radio thief is disguising himself as someone who works at the beach. (Needless to say, Ponch comes up with the theory while Baker agrees because, on CHiPs, everything was much pretty much about Ponch.) Ponch suspects that the thief might be the local ice cream man. Ponch and Baker eat a lot of ice cream in this episode. Eventually, it turns out to be the local trash collector. The ice cream man is off the hook!

As far as the surfers and the Valley kids are concerned, it all works out. Of course, it works out in the most dangerous way possible, with the surfers and the Valley kids chasing each other in their vans and both crashing their vehicles. After 48 hours in jail, all of them are back on the beach. The surfers agree to teach the Valley kids how to handle a board. The Valley kids agree to take the surfers to Mexico. Ponch and Jon have a good laugh before going windsurfing. How can you not love California?

This was a pretty silly episode but the beach scenery was nice. It’s hard for me to not enjoy a show that features not one but two vans. All hail the 70s!

The 1982 film X-Ray (also known was Hospital Massacre) opens in the early 60s. A nerdy kid named Harold gives a Valentine’s Day card to a popular girl named Susan. Susan takes one look at the card and laughs. Harold responds by taking Susan’s friend, David, and hanging him from a coat rack. Yikes!

The film then jumps forward by 19 years. Susan (Barbi Benton) is an upper class, divorced mom who has just received a promotion at work. As a part of the promotion, she was required to get a medical exam for insurance purposes. On Valentine’s Day, she heads to the hospital so that she can get the results of that exam. It should be a routine thing that only takes a few minutes. Susan may be a chain smoker but, otherwise, she’s in good health.

Unfortunately, Harold is now working at the hospital and he finally sees his chance to give Susan “a piece of my heart.” Harold fakes Susan’s test results and then murders her doctor. Susan finds herself being checked into the hospital, pretty much against her will. Since Harold didn’t do a very good job at faking her results, the doctors are all confused by Susan’s results. Some of them want to operate. Some of them just want to hold her for observation. Susan desperately wants to leave, especially when she comes to realize that Harold is killing people in the ward. As the doctors and nurses strap Susan down to her bed and prepare to operate, Harold goes on a rampage….

Produced by Cannon Films and directed by Boaz Davidson, X-Ray is an effectively frightening slasher film. While the film’s plot doesn’t always hang together (for instance, Susan is remarkably untraumatized by the fact that, when she was a child, her best friend was hung from a coat rack), the hospital itself is a thoroughly creepy location and the supporting characters are all either extremely strange or extremely callous. This is a slasher film that works less because of the blood that’s spilled but instead because it captures the dread that everyone feels at the prospect of having to spend any time at the hospital. Even the doctors who aren’t trying to kill Susan come across as being cold and unfeeling. The scene where Susan finds herself being ordered to undress so that she can be examined by a brusque doctor who she only met a few minutes before is, quite frankly, just as nightmarish as anything that we see Harold doing to any of his victims. The fact that no one is willing to tell Susan what’s wrong and that everyone refuses to listen to her when she gets upset over the way she’s being treated is something to which many viewers will immediately relate. And, of course, it’s not just that Susan has a madman stalking her through the hospital. It’s also that all of the other patients seem to be so strange, from the guy who wanders around with his flask of bourbon to the three old women who share a hospital room with her and who talk about how, while Susan is beautiful on the outside, the inside of her body is slowly decaying.

Violent but quirky, X-Ray plays out like a filmed nightmare and it’s one of the most effective slasher films over the early 80s.