Day of the Warrior | Through the Shattered Lens

This is the last weekend of my vacation! I’ll be back on Monday. Here are a few film recommendations, inspired by both my vacation and the upcoming patriotic holiday!

Keeping The World Safe

Whenever anyone asks me what the best film ever made about Hawaii is (and it happens all the time, let me tell ya), I always reply with From Here To Eternity. Then I smile and say, “Or maybe it’s Hard Ticket To Hawaii!” Directed by Andy Sidaris, Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) has it all. A mutant snake, a sex doll-carrying assassin on a skateboard, a killer frisbee, the Molokai cops, a single-engine airplane, and Ridge from the Bold and the Beautiful! This is the film that taught me that the proper way to reply to a guy saying, “Nice ass!” was to smile and say, “You too, Pilgrim.” Hard Ticket To Hawaii is one of the most deliriously strange and entertaining films ever made and you can view it on Tubi!

After viewing Hard Ticket to Hawaii, be sure to check out Andy Sidaris’s other great film, Guns (1990). Guns not only features a tropical paradise but it also stars Erik Estrada, giving a totally over-the-top performance as the villain. Guns can be viewed on Tubi.

As a resident of Dallas, I will always have a soft place in my heart for Sidaris’s Day of The Warrior (1996), in which it is established that the world’s most evil secret organization is headquartered on top floor of the Bank America Plaza and that the evil mastermind lives in “North Dallas.” You probably have to be from Dallas to get the joke but it’s a good one. Day of the Warrior can be viewed on Tubi.

Finally, The Dallas Connection (1994) was directed by Andy’s son, Christian Drew Sidaris. I have to recommend this one because it not only takes place in Dallas but it’s actually named after the city as well! Filmed on location, this film features plenty of action and exploding toy boat. The Dallas Connection can be viewed on Tubi.

If you want your action stars to have a bit more of a social consciousness, Born Losers (1967) features Billy Jack (Tom Laughlin) in his first film appearance. In three subsequent films, Billy Jack would go on to fight for pacifism and Native American rights and would eventually becomes a U.S. Senator but, in this film, he just kills a bunch of bikers who have been harassing tourists in California. Born Losers can be viewed on Tubi.

God Bless America

Next Friday will be the Fourth of July. USA! USA! USA!

Invasion USA (1952) takes a look at what happens when a bunch of people take America for granted. Fortunately, Dan O’Herlihy is on hand to hypnotize everyone and force them to experience what life would be like if the communists took over America. Thank you, mysterious hypnotist! This film can be viewed on Tubi.

Years later, those commies were still trying to invade and divide America. Fortunately, Chuck Norris was available to stop them. Invasion U.S.A. (1985) features one of Richard Lynch’s greatest performances and it can be viewed on Tubi.

I Was A Communist For The FBI (1958) claims to tell the true story of a man who spent years working undercover as a communist. His family rejected him. His neighbors scorned him. This film is a real time capsule of the time it was made. That said, it’s portrayal of communists as being a bunch of upper class bigots who manipulate a working class that they have no interest in being a part of still feels relevant today. I Was A Communist For The FBI can be viewed on YouTube.

Odds and Ends

Cold In July (2014) is one of the best neo-noirs of the best ten years and it features an excellent performance from Don Johnson, whose weathered toughness gives him a gravitas that he was occasionally lacking in his younger years. It can be viewed on Tubi.

Finally, Jeff and I watched Smokey and the Bandit (1977) earlier this week. It’s one of Jeff’s favorites and, whenever I watch it, I’m always surprised to re-discover how much I enjoy it myself. Fast cars, a truck that looked a lot like the one my Dad used to drive, Southern scenery, and a theme song that gets stuck in your head, what’s not to like? I related to Sally Field’s confusion as to why anyone would want to eat at a “choke-n-puke.” It’s available on Netflix!

(Check out last weekend here!)

“Bring him in from the cold? That’s real spy talk. I love it when you do that.”

— J. Tyler Ward (Christian Letelier) in The Day Of The Warrior (1996)

Here’s two good things about the 1996 Andy Sidaris film, The Day of the Warrior:

First, a good deal of the film takes place in Dallas. As I’ve said before, I’m always happy to see my hometown in a movie, regardless of whether the movie is good or terrible. The Day of the Warrior not only reveals that a division of the Legion To Ensure Total Harmony And Law (a.k.a. L.E.T.H.A.L.) operates out of Dallas but also that it’s apparently headquartered on the top floor of the Bank America Plaza. Willow Black (Julie Strain, who had previously played a villain in three separate Sidaris films) is the new head of the Dallas branch. Apparently, her job largely consists of working out on the treadmill in her office.

The other good thing about The Day of the Warrior is that one L.E.T.H.A.L’s top agents is named Doc Austin (Kevin Light). Unlike the Abilene cousins that appeared in Sidaris’s previous films, Doc appears to actually be good at his job. For one thing, he can actually shoot a gun and his dialogue isn’t exclusively made up of painful double entendres. But my reason for liking Doc Austin is because he shares his first name with my cat and his last name with one of my favorite cities.

Anyway, the film itself is pretty stupid but you probably already guessed that as soon as I mentioned that it’s an Andy Sidaris film. The latest international super villain is a guy named the Warrior (Marcus Bagwell). The Warrior used to be an agent with the CIA but, when the Cold War ended, he discovered that he was out of a job. Because The Warrior’s mother was half-Native American, he decided to start wearing war paint and launched a career as a professional wrestler. However, The Warrior’s wrestling career was really just a cover so that he could safely travel the world and set up his own black market operation. He deals drugs. He sells weapons. He dabbles in human trafficking. “The SOB is even into pirating porno flicks,” Willow says. The Warrior takes the whole professional wrestling thing pretty seriously. At one point, he gives orders to his henchmen while standing in the middle of a wrestling ring.

(It’s also established that The Warrior lives in “north Dallas.” You probably actually have to be from Dallas to get the joke but, as far as Sidaris humor goes, it’s a good one.)

LETHAL has several agents working undercover in The Warrior’s organization. Apparently, they’re so deep undercover that not even Willow Black knows how to get in contact with them. (To be honest, that would seem to be kind of counterproductive but I’m not an international super spy so what do I know?) However, The Warrior has employed a computer hacker known as Hard Drive. (The Warrior calls him “Mr. Drive.”) When The Warrior manages to compromise LETHAL’s computer systems, Willow and her agents not only have to track down the people undercover but they also have to stop whatever it is that The Warrior is planning to do.

(The Warrior’s ultimate scheme was never easy to figure out. He seemed to spend most of his time flexing his muscles.)

As for the undercover agents, Doc Austin is investigating drug dealers in South Texas. Scorpion (Tammy Parks) and Shark (Darren Wise) are trying to infiltrate The Warrior’s Vegas-based porn operation. Fu (Gerald Okamura) is working as an Elvis impersonator. Cobra (Julie K. Smith) is working as an exotic dancer in Beverly Hills because of … reasons, I guess? Another agent, Tiger (Shae Marks) teams up with a pilot named J. Tyler Ward (Christian Letelier) because it’s not a Sidaris film without someone flying a plane over the bayous. To be honest, it seems like most of these people are just hanging out. I wouldn’t necessarily trust any of them with any national security secrets.

Anyway, this is pretty much a typical Sidaris film: stuff blows up, everyone gets naked, and there’s a lot of bad jokes. Even by the standards of a Sidaris film, the acting is incredibly bad. Remember those scenes in Boogie Nights where Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly played Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell? That’s about the level of talent that we’re talking about here. To illustrate, here’s a typical scene from Day of the Warrior: