Horror Film Review: 47 Meters Down: Uncaged (dir by Johannes Roberts)


Let us take a moment or two to give some thought to the poor, misunderstood shark.

Sharks have a reputation for being the most dangerous predators in the ocean but, for the most part, sharks just swim around and eat whatever is in front of them.  They are certainly not harmless but they’re also not the clever, calculating monsters that they’ve been made out to be.  As opposed to what all the sequels to Jaws have told us, sharks do not stalk people.  They do not seek revenge.  They do not look at certain humans and think, “That is my mortal enemy.”  A shark will not follow you from New England to the Caribbean just because you’re the widow of the man who killed its cousin.  Sharks look scary and, certainly, you should stay out of the water if one of them is swimming nearby.  But, for the most part, the only thing that one needs to have to avoid being attacked by a shark is common sense.

Unfortunately, none of the characters in the 2019 film, 47 Meters Down Uncaged, have any common sense.  The film tells the tale of Mia (Sophie Nelisse) and her stepsister, Sasha (Corrine Fox).  Mia and Sasha are both students at a new school in Mexico.  Their father, Grant (John Corbett), has been exploring a submerged Mayan city.  Along with their two friends, Alexa (Brianne Tju) and Nicole (Sistine Stallone), Mia and Sasha decide to spend the weekend scuba diving and exploring the ancient city.  The girls have a good time looking at all of the mummies and the sacrificial chamber.  Unfortunately, a great white shark shows up to ruin their fun.  The simplest solution would probably be too leave the city but, because the girls keep screaming and accidentally knocking stuff over, they soon find themselves trapped in the newly collapsed city.  Not only have they upset a shark but they’ve managed to destroy a bunch of valuable historical artifacts.  Way to go!

47 Meters Down: Uncaged was sold as being a sequel to 47 Meters Down, the Mandy Moore/shark film that came out in 2017.  However, other than having the same director, the only thing that the two films have in common is that they both spend a lot of time underwater and they both feature a shark.  In fact, I’m not even sure if they get down to the 47 meters in Uncaged but that’s just because, as an American, I find the metric system to be extremely confusing.  The original 47 Meters Down also had a slightly interesting premise and a good performance from Mandy Moore.  47 Meters Down: Uncaged, on the other hand, is just about four girls who did something incredibly stupid and then did something else incredibly stupid and then just kept on doing every stupid thing that came to mind.  Most people will be cheering for the shark.

That said, it should be noted that Johannes Roberts definitely uses that shark for all that its worth.  The film’s characters may be stupid but the shark itself is scary and generates its share of effective jump scares.  This is one of those diabolically clever sharks that knows how to hide behind corners until someone swims by.  As I mentioned at the start of this review, that’s not exactly realistic shark behavior but it’s definitely effective movie behavior.  The scenes where the shark suddenly emerged from the darkness definitely made jump.  The scene where one of the girls attempted to climb out of the cave and then fell into the water in super slow motion made me laugh.  There’s something to be said for a film that can make you both jump and laugh.

One final note: the sharks lived in that submerged Mayan city for over a hundred years without damaging anything.  Mia, Sasha, and their friends visit the city for less than an hour and manage to destroy the place.  Remember that the next time anyone says anything against the sharks.

What Horror Lisa And The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #156: The Crooked Man (dir by Jesse Holland)


Last night, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I watched the latest SyFy original film, The Crooked Man!

the-crooked-man-707

Why Were We Watching It?

Gawdamn, y’all (as we tend to say down here in Texas), do you remember how much fun it used to be when SyFy would premiere a different movie every Saturday night?  Back when I first started regularly watching SyFy and live tweeting with the Snarkalecs, SyFy was all about original movies.

Sadly, things have changed.  Now, we only get SyFy original movies twice during the year.  Once is during the week leading up to the latest Sharknado film.  The other time is October, when SyFy does its 31 Days of Horror.

Since the Snarkalecs are still trying to change SyFy’s policy towards original movies, we make it a point to watch every single one of them.  We also make it a point to tweet about the movies, the hope being that someone at SyFy will see that there is an audience for original movies.

That’s what we were doing last night as we watched The Crooked Man.

What Was It About?

Olivia (Angelique Rivera) gets all of her friends killed but isn’t ever really held responsible because she’s the main character in the film.

Okay, there’s actually a little more to it than that.  The Crooked Man is a hybrid of The Ring, It Follows, Candyman, Slenderman, The Nun, and … well, just about every other horror film made over the past 16 years.  It starts with a slumber party, where a group of 12 year-old girls make the mistake of listening to a song online.  The song, it’s said, will summon the Crooked Man.

Later, the slumber party is interrupted when all the lights go out.  Fortunately, there’s also a pizza delivery guy at the party and he knows how to turn the lights back on.  Well, that’s good.  However, there is yet another interruption when one of the girls, Jill, is found dead at the foot of the stairs.  Standing over her is Olivia.  Though Olivia has a knife in her hands, she swears that she didn’t kill Jill.  It was … THE CROOKED MAN!

Olivia is sent to a mental asylum for six years.  When she’s released, she returns home.  The problem is that nobody in the town wants her to come home.  And actually, they have a point because, as soon as Olivia returns, The Crooked Man starts killing everyone who was at that slumber party.

EVEN THE PIZZA GUY!

What Worked?

I will be the first to admit that most of my tweets were pretty critical last night but there were a few effectively creepy moments in The Crooked Man.  The Crooked Man himself was scary.

The Voice‘s Dia Frampton showed up to sing a song and then promptly got killed.  That definitely provided the film with a nice WTF moment.

What Did Not Work?

Okay — so the Crooked Man can only get you when you’re in the dark, right?  SO WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE FILM KEEP TURNING OFF ALL THE LIGHTS!?  Seriously, nobody seemed to appreciate that there was a really easy solution to most of their problems…

(Actually, in all fairness, The Crooked Man had the power to kill all the electricity and plunge people into darkness.  But still, it did seem like the characters often never even considered trying to turn on all the lights.  I would have at least liked to have seen some sort of effort.)

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to the character of Violet.  Violet was at the slumber party and therefore, she was on Crooked Man’s kill list.  And Violet put the blame right where it belonged.  On Olivia!

Seriously, Olivia, way to get all your friends killed.

Lessons Learned

If a monster can only exist in the dark, turn on the damn lights!