Brad Hall | Through the Shattered Lens

The 1986 film, Troll, opens with Harry Potter moving into a San Francisco townhouse.

Okay, it’s not that Harry Potter. Troll was produced long before the first Harry Potter book was even published so it’s fair to assume that it’s just a coincidence that this film — about trolls, magic, and faeries — just happens to feature not just one but two characters named Harry Potter. Harry Potter, Sr. (Michael Moriarty) is a typical, dorky father figure. Indeed, he’s such a conventional figure that it’s a bit hard to understand why the always neurotic Michael Moriarty was cast in the role. Harry’s son is named Harry Potter, Jr. (Noah Hathaway). Harry, Jr. is a teenager who is shocked by how bratty his little sister, Wendy (Jenny Beck), becomes after the family moves into their new apartment.

Why is Wendy acting like such a brat? It’s because Wendy has been kidnapped by Torok the Troll (Phil Fondacaro), a grotesque creature who not only abducts Wendy but also steals her appearance so that he can safely move around the world of the humans. Torok, himself, was once a powerful wizard but, centuries ago, he and an army of faeries tried to destroy all the humans in the world. Their plan didn’t work and, as punishment, Torok was turned into a troll.

But now, somehow, Torok is free and he’s taking over the apartment building. One by one, he tracks down each tenant and casts a spell which turns them into a mythological creature, like a gnome or a wood nymph. All of the apartments turns into lushly overgrown forests. Among those tenants that get transformed are Sonny Bono and a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I have a feeling that, when Sonny later ran for Congress, he did not include his appearance in Troll in any of his campaign literature. As for Louis-Dreyfus, she was reportedly angered once when a talk show host (I think it was Jay Leno) showed footage from this film while interviewing her. It’s not so much that Julia Louis-Dreyfus isn’t a convincing wood nymph as much as it’s the fact that she’s Julie Louis-Dreyfus and it’s just difficult to imagine her appearing in such a stupid role. This, of course, was her first film and everyone has to start somewhere.

Anyway, realizing that he has to rescue his little sister, Harry Potter, Jr. gets some help from the local witch, Eunice St. Clair (Joan Lockhart). Eunice gives Harry a magic spear to take with him in his quest. It’s not really that much of quest, however. Troll is a low-budget film that was produced by Albert Band so this is not the film to watch if you’re expecting some sort of elaborate fantasy epic.

One positive thing that I will say for Troll is that some of the troll makeup is effective. The plot maks absolutely zero sense but Director John Carl Buechler specialized in creating memorable monsters on a budget and he manages to do that with Troll. And, despite all of the people getting turned into monsters, Troll is a largely good-natured film. It’s not a deliberately cruel or even gory film. It’s a dumb little horror/fantasy film that features Sonny Bono turning into a plant and Julie Louis-Dreyfus turning into a wood nymph. It’s dumb but it’s mild and generally inoffensive.

Finally, I should also note that it is in no way connected to Troll 2. Troll 2, after all, is about goblins.

OH MY GOD! THAT TREE IS EATING PEOPLE!

“You mean the tree played by Kevin Costner?”

No, no. You’re thinking of the wrong Guardian, my imaginary friend. This Guardian is from 1990 and it’s the killer tree film that was directed by William Friedkin.

“William Friedkin directed a killer tree film?”

Apparently so.

“What’s it about?”

It’s kind of hard to say. Camilla (Jenny Seagrove) is hired as a nanny and proceeds to not only claim the baby as her own but also tries to seduce the baby’s father away from his wife.

“I think it’s cute the way that you always mention the actor’s name is parenthesis….”

Well, that’s what we’re taught to do. But back to The Guardian. The Guardian could also be a movie about a druid who steals babies so that she can sacrifice them to a tree God.

“You mean like that big talking tree from the from Lord of the Rings?”

I guess. Or maybe Camilla is a reincarnation of Lillith, the demon who kidnaps babies in the night.

“Poor Lillith, so misunderstood.”

Or maybe Camilla is a witch who can make wolves and tress do her bidding!

“Like Sabrina?”

I don’t want to talk about fcking Sabrina.

“Did you mean to spell the f-word that way?”

I try to keep my actual cursing to minimum. That way, it means something.

“That’s sweet.”

Whatever. Back to The Guardian! It’s also possible that Camilla actually is a tree that’s come to life and is now doing evil tree stuff!

“So, what you’re saying is that the film is unclear about just what exactly Camilla’s deal is?”

That’s it, exactly! The Guardian is a notorious mess and it’s probably significant that this is one of two films that William Friedkin doesn’t even acknowledge in his otherwise tell-all autobiography, Friedkin Confidential. Reportedly, there were problems on the set. From what little I’ve found online, it would appear that Friedkin originally wanted the movie to be about a mentally deranged woman who thought she was a druid. But the producers wanted a horror film about a woman who actually was a druid. Somehow, this eventually led to The Guardian becoming a movie about a woman who is actually a tree. What’s funny is that the film itself feels like a typical crazy nanny Lifetime film, up until the moment that one of Camilla’s employers attempts to take a chainsaw to that tree.

“Trees don’t like chainsaws.”

Yeah, no joke. Anyway, before all that happens, Camilla is killing people left and right but yet no one seems to notice. She doesn’t make any secret of the fact that she’s trying to seduce Phil (Dwier Brown) but Phil’s wife, Kate (Carey Lowell), doesn’t seem to care. Instead, Phil and Kate attempt to set Camilla up with their friend, goofy Ned (Brad Hall). It doesn’t take long for Ned to get devoured by a bunch of wolves. That’s what happens when you walk in on a druid nanny turning into a tree, I guess.

“Isn’t Brad Hall married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus?”

Indeed, he is! And you don’t see him in any movies nowadays so I guess getting eaten by wolves was kind of the last straw. But the movie gets even weirder! There’s also an odd scene in which three gang members just happen to be walking through the woods when they come across Camilla and the baby. They kind of pop up out of nowhere and they immediately turn out to be some pretty bad guys. Luckily, a tree pops up and kills the all. Is the tree Camilla or is the tree someone else? Who knows?

“Gang members in the woods? You mean like in Friday the 13th Part 3?”

Strangely enough, yes. Even stranger is the fact that no one notices anything strange about Camilla. To be honest, there are times that Camilla might as well be wearing a sign that reads, “Druid” but no one seems to notice. Then again, it’s debatable whether or not she was actually a druid. She might actually be a tree and I guess it’s understandable that something like that wouldn’t naturally occur to anyone. I mean, I think we’ve all probably met a druid or two but someone who is actually a tree? Well, that’s unusual.

“Very unusual!”

Anyway, The Guardian is a messy film and I’m afraid that I’m probably making it sound more fun than it actually is. If you do watch it, please be sure to chime in with your thoughts on whether or not Camilla is actually a tree. I look forward to hearing your opinion!

“Don’t you want to hear my opinion?”

No.