Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.18 “Desirable Alien”

Posted on May 14, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, an immigrant wants to stay in America.

Episode 3.18 “Desirable Alien”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on January 27th, 1991)

Hercules (Tony Spiridakis) is a Greek immigrant who claims that he cannot return to his home country because of a mysterious birth defect. Hercules wants to be an American citizen but, for some reason, he is hesitant to take the physical exam necessary for citizenship and he always finds a way to put it off. As he waits to become a citizen, Hercules works in a restaurant with his friend, Luis (Luis Guzman). Hercules has had several case workers, all of whom have mysteriously stopped working for the Immigration agency after meeting with Hercules. It turns out that almost every woman that Hercules meets ends up becoming one of his lovers. Luis is impressed. Hercules says that he can’t help it. And, as caseworker Maggie (Wendy Makkena) discovers, he’s not lying. It turns out that Hercules is actually a satyr. Debbie Harry, of Blondie fame, has a brief cameo as a doctor who shows up to give Hercules his physical and who quickly becomes one of his lovers.

This episode was well-acted but it didn’t really add up to much. It’s tempting to try to connect the episode’s story to modern politics and the current debate about immigration but …. nah. That would be giving this episode a bit too much credit. As much as I complain about programs that are too long for the often simple stories that they tell, this episode is a case where I wouldn’t have minded a bit more time to explore the story. With a 21-minute runtime, this episode felt rushed and rather incomplete.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.13 “Habitat”

Posted on September 11, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode is an experiment that doesn’t quite work.

Episode 2.13 “Habitat”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on January 14th, 1990)

Jamie Neal (a young Lili Taylor) is 23 years-old and newly single. She’s been offered an opportunity that could earn her enough money that she will never have to work another day in her life. She has to spend 9 months in an enclosed space. She’ll be given food to eat. She requested to be given a guitar to play. All she has to do is spend nine months in the room and react every time that she hears an annoying buzzing sound. Of course, she can’t go outside or have any contact with anyone else. The entire time, someone will be watching her.

Jamie starts the experiment feeling confident and almost cocky. She carefully reads over the contract, commenting on how easy it will be to handle all of the requirements, before signing it. Jamie brags that her ex-boyfriend was an attorney (though he preferred to be called a “litigator,” — hey, I know the type, Jamie!) and she knows exactly how to read a contract as a result.

The story jumps forward a few weeks. Jamie is in isolation, still reacting to every buzz and eating the pizza that’s randomly sent down to her. However, she is no longer cocky and confident. She’s grown tired of being trapped in one room and not even her guitar brings her joy anymore. She wanders around the room, demanding to be set free.

There’s a twist to this episode and I bet you already guessed it. That twist is that Jamie is a part of an experiment that is being conducted by a bunch of aliens. As they watch Jamie lose her mind and eventually her life in the small room, the aliens dispassionately discuss how strange humans are. They hate to be confined and yet they have no problem confining the animals that live with them. Jamie may have viewed herself as being a prisoner with no freedom but the aliens viewed her as being a pet. One alien (and I should note that the rubber alien costumes are absolutely ludicrous) says that he thinks he might be feeling an emotion that humans call “grief.” Someone was obviously hoping to play a half human/half whatever science offer on a Star Trek spin-off.

(“What is this thing you humans call joy?” Bleh.)

This episode was pretty dull. Obviously, Lili Taylor is a talented actress but in this one, she gets stuck with some really less-than-impressive dialogue. Not even the scenes where she’s losing her mind are particularly interesting. There’s nothing shocking about discovering that she’s had a breakdown. One can see that it’s going to happen from the minute that she steps into the chamber. By that same token, there’s nothing at all surprising about the big twist. Even though who haven’t read Slaughterhouse-Five will easily guess that Jamie is being put on display.

This was a rather forgettable experiment.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.7 “Jar”

Posted on May 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Monsters brings together horror and noir!

Episode 2.7 “Jar”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on November 1st, 1989)

Having been hired to find a missing woman, cynical private investigator Jack Bateman (Richard Edson) begins his investigation at the seedy bayou motel where the woman was last seen. However, Mr. Hallet and Jack are not the only people at the hotel. Ann Spiros (Gina Gershon) arrives with her loutish husband, the wealthy George (Ed Kovens). Ann wants to get rid of her husband and she and Jack seem to share an immediate attraction to each other. Does Mr. Hallet have something hidden away in all of his mason jars that could help Ann with that? Of course, he does. The show is called Monsters. This episode is called Jar. One doesn’t have to be a genius to figure out that something pretty extreme is about to happen in that isolated hotel and that it’s going involve something in a jar.

(Someday, remind me to write a post about all of the historical figures who had certain body parts preserved in a jar. I don’t know why that would happen but no matter. You can still see a few inches of Napoleon if you want to, though it might not be the part of him that you want to see.)

From the sultry saxophone on the soundtrack to the shadow visual style, this episode announces itself from the start as being an homage to film noir. It works far better than I think anyone would have any reason to expect. The bayou hotel is wonderfully atmospheric and steamy location. One can literally feel the humidity that runs through this episode. Though he was a bit young for the role, Richard Edson is a convincing hard-boiled detective. Gina Gershon, as always, is a perfect femme fatale and seems to relish the opportunity to keep the audience guessing as to he motivations. Ed Kovens is properly unsympathetic as the wealthy husband. (Can you imagine how unpleasant noirs like this would be if the husbands were decent guys who just minded their own business? It’s a good thing that they’re always louts.) Finally, Fritz Weaver gives a nicely eccentric performance as old Mr. Hallet. This episode is full of schemes and forbidden passions. Fans of noir will appreciate the episode.

What’s especially surprising is just how well the supernatural and the monsters are all integrated into the noir format. The monsters feel as if they belong in the story just as much as the hard-boiled detective and the sultry wife. It takes a while for the monsters to do their thing but when they do, they definitely make an impression.

Monsters can be a bit of uneven show. But Jar is definitely a triumph.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.15 “The Mother Instinct”

Posted on January 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode of Monsters is all about killer worms!

Agck! Seriously, nothing freaks me out more than carnivorous creatures that slither around. Obviously, most worms are too small to be dangerous and I assume the same can be sound of most snails. Still, thought of giant worms bursting out of the ground and eating people …. I mean, obviously, it might make a good film but it’s not something that I would necessarily want to see in person. If I ever saw something like that happens in my back yard, for instance, I would probably have to move to another house. That would suck because I like this house. Seriously, killer worms, stay away!

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, the show….

Episode 1.15 “The Mother Instinct”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on February 18th, 1989)

Nelson (Tom Gilory) is a real loser. He’s a loser in business and a loser in life. He’s got a gambling addiction and, despite being married to the loyal Sheila (Finn Carter), he simply cannot bring himself to remain faithful to his wife. Nelson is in debt and desperately needs money. His original plan is to ask his wealthy mother-in-law (Elizabeth Franz) for the money but she can see straight through him and refuses to give him a cent.

However, Nelson discovers that his mother-in-law has been growing melons in her green house that can provide temporary, superhuman strength. (Usually, the mother-in-law is confined to a wheelchair but, whenever she drinks the super-powered melon juice, she can walk and literally toss people around her house.) Nelson wants to steal the melons and sell them. His mother-in-law refuses to give her permission so Nelson forces Sheila to help him steal them.

What Nelson didn’t expect was that the melons would be protected by carnivorous worms! Nelson pressures Sheila to discover how her mother-in-law deals with the killer worms but it turns out that his mother-in-law has one last trick up her sleeve. “Never miss with a mother’s instinct,” Nelson’s mother-in-law says as the episode reaches its tasty conclusion.

This episode suffered from being a bit rushed, which is something that happens when a show attempts to tell an hour-length story in only 20 minutes. The killer worms were a bit too obviously puppet-like to really be scary but they still had their own silly charm to them. Sometimes, you just have to be willing to accept that you’re watching a low-budget production and you need to just enjoy it for what it is. Nelson was so obviously villainous that it made it difficult to believe that even insecure Sheila couldn’t see through him but at least he met his just deserts.

Incidentally, a year after appearing in this episode, Finn Carter starred in a movie that featured slightly more frightening killer worms, Tremors.