Angel Angel Down We Go | Through the Shattered Lens

Oh dear Lord.

Listen, I’ve seen some bad movies before. I’ve seen some annoying films before. I’ve seen some pretentious movies before. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie as dedicated to being all three of them as 1969’s Angel, Angel, Down We Go appears to be.

Yes, this movie came out in 1969 and it’s one of those late 60s, counter culture films that’s so intent on impressing you by being daring that it doesn’t bother to actually come up with an interesting story or anything like that. It’s a film that talks a lot but has nothing to say. It’s a film that’s obviously meant to be very counter cultural and left-wing but it has a streak of such cruel misogyny running through it that it’s nearly impossible to watch certain scenes.

Singer Holly Near stars as Tara Steele, the teenage daughter of two wealthy parents. Tara’s mother (Jennifer Jones) is a former actress who brags about having starred in over a hundred stag film without ever “faking an orgasm.” Tara’s father (Charles Aidman) is a former military man who knew Douglas MacArthur and who is gay but closeted. (The film handles the issue of his sexuality with all of the sensitivity that you would expect from an episode of the 700 Club.) Tara is insecure because she’s overweight and her family doesn’t show her any love. The film, it should be said, doesn’t really show her any love either. Whether its the close-ups of her messily eating with food smeared across her face or the scenes in which other characters casually insult her, the film seems to have little sympathy for her.

Tara meets a rock singer named …. seriously, this is his fucking name …. Bogart Peter Stuyvesant (Jordan Christopher). With his tight leather pants and his shirtless performances, Bogie (yes, he’s called Bogie) is supposed to be a Jim Morrison-style sex symbol. Unfortunately, Jordan Christopher doesn’t have enough screen presence to pull off the role. Bogie pretends to be in love with Tara (“Your breath stinks!” he shouts, “I dig it!”) but it’s just so he can seduce her mother and her father and make off with all of their money. It’s supposed to have something to do with the hypocrisy of the American establishment or something but …. oh, who cares?

So, this movie is annoying for any number of reasons. Robert Thom directs as if he was getting paid extra for every time he used a zoom lens or tossed in a jump cut. Yet, despite all of the camera trickery, the story drags like you wouldn’t believe. The walls of Jordan’s pad are decorated with a collage of American icons like Humphrey Bogart and Dwight Eisenhower and Thom often pointlessly zooms into the collage whenever he thinks it will help him make his point but since the film doesn’t really seem to have a point, the collage itself gets as boring as Bogie playing a harp. Yes, Bogie does play a harp. It goes over forever.

As I watched the film, I found myself growing more and more pissed off. Every pretentious line of dialogue and arty camera angle just made me angrier and angrier. Didn’t Jennifer Jones and Holly Near deserve better than this? Who the Hell decided to cast bland, doughy Jordan Christopher as a sex symbol? WHY WAS RODDY MCDOWALL IN THIS MOVIE!? WHY CAST RODDY MCDOWALL AND THEN NOT HAVE HIM DO ANYTHING!? Why did every scene have to drag on? Why couldn’t the film just get to the freaking point!? WHY WERE THEY SKY DIVING!? WHY DID WE HAVE TO SIT THROUGH FIVE SONGS FROM JORDAN CHRISTOPHER!? WHY? WHY? WHY!?

Anyway, I don’t really recommend this one.

Since it’s the holiday season, I’m going to do a bonus-sized, two-part edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers this week. So, assuming that I’m not upset by who wins the Amazing Race and that Julia Stiles survives tonight’s episode of Dexter, I’ll put together and post part two sometime later tonight. And if I am upset, expect to see it sometime Monday.

Anyway, here’s the first part of our special, pre-holiday edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers. Just a quick note, three of these films are apparently not available on DVD or even on VHS! To be honest, I imagine their trailers are probably a lot more fun than the actual movie.

1) Wicked Wicked

What is Anomorphic Duovision? Well, I did some research last night and I’ll explain it all after the trailer.

Duovision, it turns out, is a fancy way of saying, “Split screen.” Like you remember in 24 whenever Keifer Sutherland would start purring in that sexy voice of his, “Dammit! CHLOE!” and Chloe would go, “Get off my ass, Bauer!” Well, more often than not, that was shown in Anomoprhic Duovision. Brian DePalma also used it in Carrie when Sissy Spacek sets the prom on fire. In other words, none of that would have been possible if not for Wicked Wicked. Apparently, in Wicked Wicked, one half of the screen featured Tiffany Bolling singing and the detective guy investigating and the other half featured the killer doing his thing.

2) Dr. Minx

I give this trailer mad props for resisting the temptation to be all like, “And she makes house calls…”

3) Zaat

Believe it or not, this is not, as I originally assumed, a parody trailer. I did actual research (yes, believe it or not, I do try to verify these things) and I discovered that this was a real movie from 1972 and apparently, it made a lot of money playing the drive-in circuit (a.k.a. the grindhouses of the South).

4) Angel, Angel, Down We Go

From 1969 — His name is Bogart Peter Stuyvesant and he’s hot!

5) The Body Beneath

This little “shocker” from 1970 was directed by Andy Milligan, who was infamous for making movies that were so bad that they often ended up being effective despite themselves.

6) A Night to Dismember

I’ve never actually seen this film but I’ve certainly heard about it. It has a reputation for being one of the worst horror films but I have to admit, I think the trailer has an oddly dream-like power. A Night To Dismember was the last film to be directed by Doris Wishman, who — when she first started making early “nudie” flicks (the best known of which was the Nude on the Moon) in the 50s — was one of the first women to ever actually direct a theatrically released film. After her husband died, Doris’s films changed from being rather innocent and campy stories about dorky guys trying to discreetly ogle nude women to being dark and puritanical tales of the sexually active being punished. A Night To Dismember was her final film and its troubled production has become legendary. I found it on DVD once and nearly bought it but, at the last minute, put it down and bought a copy of Larry Cohen’s God Told Me To instead. The next week, when I went back to buy A Night To Dismember, I discovered that the store had been shut down and permanently closed the day after I made my last purchase. That’s just freaking typical, isn’t it?