Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!
This week, the show attempts a change of pace!
Episode 3.13 “Midnight Riders”
(Dir by Allan Eastman, originally aired on January 29th, 1990)
An odd episode, this one.
Jack, Micki, and Johnny head out to a small town so that Jack can look up into the night sky and see a once-in-a-lifetime convergence of the stars. However, possibly as a result of the convergence (it’s never really made clear), a bunch of dead motorcycle riders are resurrected and they rumble into town, seeking vengeance on everyone who took part in the death of their leader. If the bikers can kill every one of them, their leader will be resurrected. Finally, the ghost of Jack’s father (Dennis Thatcher) shows up and works with Jack to stop the bikers. It turns out that Jack and his father had a difficult relationship. Ryan had a difficult relationship with his father. Johnny was falsely accused of murdering his father. We’ve never met Micki’s father but he’s probably a jerk too.
The weird thing about this episode is that it didn’t feature a cursed antique. Instead, Jack and the crew went to a small town and supernatural stuff started happening shortly after they arrived. That’s okay, I guess. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with trying something new. But, at the same time, the cursed antiques were what set this show apart from all of the other supernaturally-themed television series out there. Personally, even when the antique’s curse makes no sense, I still enjoy seeing what the show comes up with.
This episode had a lot of atmosphere and a typically good performance from Chris Wiggins. The ghost bikers were never quite as intimidating as they should have been, despite all of the murders. If anything, they reminded me a bit too much of Sometime They Come Back. This episode was a change of pace and, as if often the case with things like this, it didn’t quite work. Here’s hoping next week will have a cursed antique!
There are a few horror films that I dislike as much as I dislike 2009’s The Collector.
I guess that should be considered fair warning about how this review is going to go.
I’ve only watched this movie two times and, both times, it was as a part of a live tweet group. The first time that I watched it, I absolutely hated it because I found it to be incredibly mean-spirited and lacking in any sort of wit. It just felt like a rip-off of the Saw movies, with a bit of Hostel tossed in. I felt that it was the least imaginative torture show that I had ever watched,
The second time I watched, I know what was coming so my reaction was not quite as viscerally negative as the first time. I still didn’t like the film but I could at least see that there was some craft involved in the making of the film and there were even a few hints of wit at the start of the film. I could even respect the fact that the film stayed true to its dark worldview. The Collector was a truly creepy character, even if his motivations and his techniques made absolutely no sense.
That said, I simply cannot get beyond the death of the cat.
A cat is killed in the film and it’s such a gratuitous and mean-spirited scene that I simply cannot look past it. There was absolutely no reason to kill the cat, beyond wanting to show off that this film was so hardcore that it was even willing to kill cute pets. The way the cat died was sadistic. It was unnecessary and the scene went on forever. Sorry, The Collector. You lost me.
What’s interesting, though, is that it’s not just the cat that dies in the film. At least seven or eight people die over the course of this film. Of the two main, non-villainous characters who are still alive at the end of the film, one only has a future of physical and mental torture to look forward to while the other is going to be psychologically scarred for the rest of their lives. And yet, none of the human death and suffering bothered me as much as the death of the cat. I guess some of that is because the humans were played by recognizable actors and I’ve seen enough behind-the-scenes documentaries to know how all of the gore effects are done. I didn’t particularly enjoy the many scenes of people being tortured but I knew they weren’t really being tortured and that everyone was getting paid. Of course, it also helped that none of the human characters were particularly likable or interesting. The cat, meanwhile, was just an innocent house pet who was killed for absolutely no reason.
And yes, I know they didn’t kill a real cat. Still, it was way too graphic and drawn-out for me.
So, maybe I just don’t like seeing animals suffer in horror movies. But it really didn’t bother me when an attacking dog was killed towards the end of the film so maybe I just like cats.
I have to admit that cults have always fascinated me, largely because I can never really comprehend what would lead to someone joining one.
Seriously, how is it that otherwise intelligent people end up in a position where they not only become brainwashed but they also voluntarily give up their own individual personality, all so that they can belong to something that doesn’t make much sense. Myself, I’ve always been fortunate in that not only am I very confident in my talents and my beliefs but I’ve also never felt the need to have a mentor or any other type of life guide. Fortunately, I value my independence above all else. I’m also lucky enough to have ADD so severe that there’s no way I could actually spend more than 5 minutes listening to a lecture designed to brainwash me. I did go to one self-help seminar in college that seemed to be kind of a cultish but I was so bored that I left about halfway through. (Add to that, I was also annoyed by how much everyone else seemed to be enjoying it.) I’m immune to brainwashing, or at least I would like to think that I am.
Unfortunately, that’s not true for everyone. We tend to think of a cult as being a group of weird people living in a compound but the truth of the matter is that there are cults all around us. Basically, any organization that demands that its members sacrifice their own individual thoughts in order to “serve a greater cause” or please a certain being is a cult. Go on Twitter right now and you’ll undoubtedly be able to find several different cults fighting with each other. Cults appeal to people who, otherwise, feel empty. They provide a home and a group of ready-made friends but, of course, they also demand complete obedience and punish any hint of individuality. There’s no room for dissent. You see that a lot today and it’s a shame. People no longer think for themselves and instead, they believe whatever they’re told to believe. People have lost their damn minds over the past few years, both figuratively and literally. Sadly, it seems that once someone loses the ability to think for themselves, it’s gone forever.
I found myself thinking about this last night and this morning as I watched the latest “ripped from the headlines” Lifetime film, Escape From The NXIVM Cult: A Mother’s Fight To Save Her Daughter. NXIVM, which was founded and controlled by Keith Raniere (played, in a wonderfully creepy performance, by Peter Facinelli), presented itself as being a “personal development company” but, as everyone now knows, all of the self-help seminars and corporate doublespeak was actually a cover for a pyramid scheme that also served as a recruiting tool to supply Raniere with sex slaves. Among those who worked with Raniere was former Smallville actress, Allison Mack (played by Sara Fletcher in the film).
The film focuses on the true story of actress and minor royal Catherine Oxenberg (Andrea Roth), who spent a year helplessly watching as the NXIVM cult brainwashed her daughter, India (Jasper Polish). The film shows how the cult (and, more specifically, Allison Mack) preyed on and manipulated India’s own insecurities and used them to take her away from her family and her friends. In perhaps the film’s most disturbing scene, India returns home on her birthday and spends the majority of her own birthday party trying to recruit people to join NXIVM. It’s disturbing because we all know someone like India, someone who has become so obsessed with politics or religion or fandom that they view every occasion as just being another recruiting opportunity.
The film follows Catherine as she uncovers the truth about NXIVM, which is that it’s essentially a large-scale criminal racket that, because it’s targeted the children of the rich and famous, has also become immune to prosecution. When Keith is informed that Catherine has been publicly denouncing NXIVM and threatening to expose them, Keith smugly just says that they’ll sue her until she’s silent, just “like the others.” All of the sordid details are presented here — from the branding of Keith’s and Allison’s initials on their slaves to NXIVM’s casual and infuriating misogyny to the way that Keith used blackmail to manipulate both his followers and those who he considered to be a threat. But what makes the film ultimately memorable is not just the portrait of how NXIVM operated but also the film’s celebration of Catherine Oxenberg’s refusal to give up when it came to rescuing her daughter.
All in all, it’s a well-done movie and certainly one that has an important message. Be vigilant and beware any organization that claims that the key to happiness is sacrificing your own individual spirit.
(Lisa is currently in the process of trying to clean out her DVR by watching and reviewing all 40 of the movies that she recorded from the start of March to the end of June. She’s trying to get it all done by July 11th! Will she make it!? Keep visiting the site to find out!)
The 23rd film on my DVR was A Wife’s Suspicion.
I recorded this on May 23rd and, just like with Broken Promise, you can probably guess by the title alone that I recorded this off of Lifetime. In fact, when I first saw that I had recorded this movie, I went back and checked to make sure that I hadn’t already reviewed a Lifetime film called A Wife’s Suspicion. Seriously, you have to wonder how it could possibly taken until 2016 for Lifetime to use this title.
(In all fairness, before Lifetime picked it up, the movie’s title was Evidence of Truth. I’m actually glad that they changed the title, just because Evidence of Truth makes it sound like one of those tedious climate change documentaries that you sometimes come across on Netflix.)
Anyway, A Wife’s Suspicion is a mix of CSI procedural and Lifetime melodrama. Renee Murphy (Andrea Roth) is the type of forensic examiner who talks to corpses while she examines them. She’s stubborn but she gets results, dammit! She once dated Detective Kyle Ferguson (Sebastian Spence) but, after they broke up, she ended up married to Jack Murphy (Woody Jeffreys). Jack seems like he’s a great guy and he’s got impressive hair but women are being murdered and Renee has reason to suspect that Jack might be the murderer.
It doesn’t help, of course, that Jack has been keeping secrets from her. When she decides to follow him, Renee spots Jack talking to a younger woman. Could Jack be having an affair or is he telling the truth when he says that he’s simply the woman’s sponsor? It turns out that Jack has had issues with addiction in the past. That’s one of those things that he didn’t tell his wife because he wanted “a second chance” at life.
Does Renee give Jack that second chance or does she work with her ex-boyfriend to put him in prison? Decisions, decision….
When I mentioned that I was watching A Wife’s Suspicion, my Lifetime-watching friend Trevor asked me if the movie had bored me to tears yet. Well, the movie never quite brought tears to my eyes but I still quickly discovered what he was talking about. A Wife’s Suspicion moves slowly, largely because there’s barely enough plot for an hour-long cop show, much less a 90 minute movie. You’ll be able to guess whether Jack is guilty or not fairly early and the fact that you figured it out but Renee didn’t only serves to make Renee an annoying character.
Sadly, A Wife’s Suspicion is a film that I would recommend skipping.
After I finished watching Lost Boy earlier today, I realized that it was time to rewatch and review Stolen Daughter. Stolen Daughter originally had its Lifetime premiere on July 26th. I watched it and, if I remember correctly, I had a lot of fun live-tweeting it. So, why hadn’t I reviewed Stolen Daughter up until this point? The final week of July was not an easy one for me. The world seemed angry (this was the same week that Cecil the Lion was killed in Zimbawe), I was dreading the idea of getting older, and — briefly — I was too overwhelmed by all the angst to write. It happens.
But anyway, enough about me and my obsessive personality! Let’s talk about Stolen Daughter!
As Stolen Daughter opens, Martha Dixel (Rachel Hayward) is on the verge of being released from prison. After shooting the drunk driver who killed both her husband and her daughter, Martha was convicted of manslaughter. She’s been both a model inmate and psychiatric patient and, now that she’s been paroled, she has no intention of ever returning to prison. However, the world is not quite ready to accept Martha’s freedom. As she leaves prison, she is greeted by people protesting her release. Then, after dealing with all that, Martha is struck by a van.
As a result of getting hit by that van, a dazed Martha now believes that both her husband and her daughter are still alive. After the driver gets out to check on her, Martha steals his van. After driving around for a while, Martha thinks that she sees her daughter at a local playground. Drawing a gun, Martha kidnaps her “daughter” and, after tossing her into the van, drives off to meet up with her “husband.”
Of course, the teenage girl who Martha had kidnapped is not her daughter. Instead, her name is Sarah Wilkins (Sarah Dugdale) and she is the daughter of Stacy Wilkins (Andrea Roth). Stacy happens to be a police detective and, as soon as she learns that her daughter has been kidnapped, Stacy demands to be put on the case.
However, Stacy has demons of her own. She had been on psychiatric leave after being involved in a hostage situation that led to the hostage being killed in front of her and has only recently returned to active duty. As a result, the condescending detective who has been put in charge of the case — a real prick named Barker (Josh Byer, who has appeared in several other films directed by Stolen Daughter‘s director, Jason Bourque) — refuses to let Stacy anywhere near the investigation.
And so, working on her own, Stacy tries to track down her daughter. Meanwhile, Sarah has to figure out how to keep the increasingly unstable Martha from snapping even further.
There are literally hundreds of Lifetime films that center around kidnapped daughters but what sets Stolen Daughter apart is that Martha is a much more complex character than we traditionally expect to find in these movies. When we first meet Martha, it’s impossible not to feel sympathy for her. Even after she gets hit by that van and kidnaps Sarah, the film makes it clear that Martha is not in control of what she’s doing. As the film progresses, Martha becomes more and more unstable and we start to realize just how dangerous she actually is. Even though she’s frightening by the end of Stolen Daughter, you still can’t help but feel for her.
Sarah Dugdale’s had a pretty busy year on both the Lifetime and SyFy networks. Not only has she had to deal with a Sorority Murder but she also found herself trapped in The Hollow and was one of the Sugarbabies. She did a good job in those movies and she does a good job here as well. Finally, Andrea Roth totally kicks ass in the role of Stacy. Check out the scene where she beats up a guy while searching for daughter. I am so totally going to learn how to do that!
Stolen Daughter was directed by Jason Bourque, who has been responsible for some of the more entertaining movies to show up on both Lifetime and the SyFy network over the past two years. Along with writing my favorite SyFy film, End of the World, he also directed a film, called Black Fly,that I think everyone should see.
One good thing about Lifetime is that they reshow all of their movies like a hundred times. So, keep an eye out for Stolen Daughter.
Unfortunately, there is no cowbell in this movie. Okay, this one is about a lady named Gwen Green (Andrea Roth). She works as an assistant editor. Delta Burke plays Dahlia Marchand who writes romance novels, but is going to pen an autobiography. Turning down more experienced editors, she picks Green to be her editor as soon as she sees her. I honestly had to watch this twice because the first time around I missed a few things so I was rather confused as to what Burke’s obsession with this woman was. Honestly, I thought she was a lesbian for a minute there and this shot near the end of the movie didn’t help.
The movie begins with one of Green’s friends getting married. Then her friend catches the bridal fever and becomes obsessed with getting married. She drags Green into her nuttiness. So we go speed blind dating. I have seen this scene done in numerous movies, but I think it’s the first time I’ve seen this in one of these montages.
Didn’t work for me no matter how much of a resemblance he might bare to Jeffrey Combs. Green doesn’t find her man here. Instead, she is passing by a bookstore and decides to go in and replace the window display with books by Dahlia Marchand. Sadly, this didn’t feel contrived because I can remember my Dad buying things from his business clients to support them. It doesn’t surprise me that now since she is editing one of Marchand’s books, she would do this. Of course a little slip and fall in the store, and she meets the guy she will end up with. He works at the store.
Sorry, I really didn’t mean to catch him with his “you’re gonna die now” look on his face. The rest of the film plays out like this. Marchand is going to launch her book at his store. Marchand oddly avoids the store. Green works with this guy getting closer and closer. Since her friend has poisoned Green’s mind and since the guy didn’t propose to her on the spot, she gets engaged to the wrong guy. Then we find out that Marchand picked her because she wanted someone who wouldn’t do their job and thus wouldn’t ask her about gaps in her biography. The big gap being her years working at that bookstore. Turns out it’s the guy’s uncle who owns the store that once had a thing with her. It wraps up like you think.
This was okay. Very cliched and it’s one of those ones I like to say sleepwalks through the formulaic plot, but the actors were likable enough, including Delta Burke. I did like that they borrowed the comparing scars scene from Lethal Weapon 3.
You can do worse, but you can also do better.
Audrey’s Rain (2003) – Where the hell did this Hallmark movie come from? It’s got cursing, people who act like real people (kids included), suicide, a mentally challenged or at least mentally cracked in some fashion character, sexual references, direct reference to breasts as “buzzards”, making out, use of the word horny, the kid tries to say Audrey’s sandwiches taste like shit, fart jokes, a fart joke directed at a reverend who just asked Audrey to consider returning to the church, and more.
Seriously, is this the kind of movie Hallmark initially made? Cause this is a far far far cry from the kind of stuff they make today and have for many years. I actually thought I was watching a real movie here. The only things I saw in common with other Hallmark movies were that Larry Levinson was involved. Well, I guess I should talk a little bit about it.
It starts off with Audrey (Jean Smart) trying to blow away a rodent with a rifle. Yay! That scene is the one time this film censors itself. Despite the word “bastard” showing up in the close captioning, the sound falls silent on that word. Funny they did that considering this follows shortly afterwards.
Sure, the sister got her hand on his mouth before he got the full word out, but still. I’ve seen Hallmark censor the word “butt”.
So, you’ve got Audrey, two kids from a sister who killed herself, and another sister who has mental issues. I’m pretty sure she’s supposed to be mentally challenged, but I don’t remember there being enough details to tell you any more than that. And that’s where this film’s real issue is. While you really don’t care too much about this sister, the film does feel like it jumps over sections that were once there or should be there telling us more.
A man from Audrey’s past gets close to her and they do end up together. There’s a quirky friend. There are flashbacks. The kids have problems with the memories of their dead mother. There’s a pretty gut wrenching scene where we think the little girl might have hung herself like her mom did. It all works quite well, but it feels like it should have been a mini-series rather than just a movie. Maybe it was, and then was edited down.
At the end of the day, if you like Hallmark, see it. It’s like no other Hallmark movie out of the 106 I’ve seen so far. Just know that it will feel like it was chopped up.
Love On The Air (2015) – I kind of felt bad watching this when it premiered cause some guy who claimed to have worked on the film tweeted me twice saying he was glad I was enjoying it. I felt bad because the majority of my tweets were complaints about the movie. I don’t think I even mentioned the problems with the actors. Oh, well.
Love On The Air begins with our two leads doing their radio shows on the same network. I don’t remember what the name of their shows were, if they had any, but a modern equivalent would be tweets with #NotAllMen attached for hers and #YesAllWomen for his. It’s that kind of stuff being slung at the beginning of this movie. The largely writing off the other gender based on bad experiences thing. Only it’s far tamer than the stuff you hear online and not as complex. Thank goodness. But it does have that isolationist/separatist rhetoric to it that people cry foul over when it’s skin color, but not as much with gender. She even says “be an island”. I honestly could have done without this as the setup seeing as it’s stuff like this that makes places like Twitter depressing, but that’s the setup.
Our leading lady is Sonia (Alison Sweeney). Our leading man is Nick (Jonathan Scarfe). The two of them end up going at it on the air for a few minutes and that leads to them doing it on a regular basis. You can guess where this goes.
A day for night shot, along with shots that were under lit or shot on cloudy days.
Odd choices of things to focus on or I swear at times the camera just going out of focus.
This blinding light that keeps shining at you during this scene.
And random obstructions in front of the camera for reasons beyond me.
What? You thought they were going to fall in love? Well, that happens too, which is another problem. They have both been burned by certain experiences in their past. Problem is, I think they needed to even out the two of them out a little more. He is noticeably easier to get along with than she is. I know it makes for a little more of a traditional romance of him winning her over, but it would have been nice for them to have dialed down Sonia a little bit. I also know that it begins with her engagement being called off so she’s fresh off a recent bad experience, but I still wanted them to be on more even ground.
However, if you can get past the odd cinematography and the characters starting out on uneven footing, I know I sure didn’t feel they had any chemistry together. Scarfe is kind of warm and a little likable. Sweeney not as much. I understand how spending time with each other reminds them that no matter how many or intensity of experiences you have with a section of the population, you can’t right the whole lot off. However, I didn’t really buy that they should end up together as anything but good friends who do a show together.
I guess this is the kind I say won’t kill ya!
A little personal side note. I think I have mentioned it before, but Sweeney also does a series called Murder, She Baked on Hallmark. I wish that had her killing people with her cooking. She really comes across to me as someone who could play a villain well. I never saw her on Days Of Our Lives so maybe she did there.
All Of My Heart (2015) – This is another one of those Hallmark movies that borrows a screwball plot that you’d find in the 1940’s. It begins with Jenny Fintley (Lacey Chabert) and Brian Howell (Brennan Elliott), I kid you not, each inheriting half of the same house in the country. Being a cook, she sees it as business opportunity to open a bed and breakfast. Being a stockbroker, he sees it as an asset that needs to be liquidated. Hilarity ensues? Not really. This isn’t like Growing The Big One, which is a Hallmark movie and not one of those late night cable movies I’ve reviewed. I still don’t know how Hallmark lucked out on that name.
It’s just them falling in love by spending time with each other. She’s there cause she wants to open a business. He gets stranded there after his job slips out from underneath him. Oddly, the film teases that it’s going to do something humorous like Funny Farm (1988), but doesn’t follow through.
That’s Ed Asner who you probably know as the guy who shoots people in the back on Hawaii Five-O. The other guy is Daniel Cudmore who is probably best known as Jaffa #1 from the Homecoming episode of Stargate SG-1. Asner sits on the bench in front of the General Store and makes humorous comments as well as some important ones at the end of the movie. Cudmore is the colossus who runs the store and is the local plumber. They are both funny in this movie. I wanted more quirky characters. Sure, hoping for the crazy mailman from Funny Farm would be asking too much, but I could have done with more of these two. I would have preferred Chabert and Elliott coming together dealing with the odd, but lovable town rather than just coming together because it’s Hallmark.
My only other complaint has to do with Lacey Chabert. I didn’t watch Party Of Five back when I was kid and have very limited exposure to her work. Largely just Hallmark, but I really want more personality out of her here. Along with looking like she’s wearing more makeup then I care for, she seems to act like she is a kid who just entered her first planetarium. He has some more personality, but I really wanted something like what Shannen Doherty and Kavan Smith had in Growing The Big One.
So, which one of these does this poor dog from one of the commercials on Hallmark say you should see? Audrey’s Rain. Despite it’s problems, it’s so different. If you like Hallmark, you should see it. I’m a little biased though, cause I like Jean Smart.
Through the Shattered Lens 