It’s October so I’m legally obligated to write about some horror movies per my contract with Through the Shattered Lens. It’s in article 976, section EVIL, subsection 666. So that means I have to do it. And since it’s late night cable, so do the actors.

The movie opens up and two girls are going at it under water for a few seconds. Then the credits roll. I normally wouldn’t mention anything about the credits, but you know what? More people need to come up with stage names based off of jokes from episodes of Seinfeld.

Let me be right up front here. First, this is one of those where the girls keep looking into the camera. Personally, I find that very annoying. Second, it’s probably about 10 minutes of spoof and the rest is sex.

After four blondes get in a hot tub together, as blondes are known to do, they go at it for a while. Then we find out that one of them is Ms. Dracula.

Ms. Dracula is played by Alexis Texas. According to IMDb she’s in numerous porno spoofs including one of Cheers. That has me really scared. I don’t want to see Carla have a threesome with Cliff and Norm. She’s also in one of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Anyways, we now meet Renfield and our married vampire hunters.

You see the girl on the left. That’s Anna Morna. I think I have mentioned her before has given one of the worst performances I have ever seen in Lolita From Interstellar Space. As bad as this movie is, I’m glad I saw it because based on this, she can act better.

In Ms. Dracula, Renfield has created a potion that allows Ms. Dracula to exist at daytime. The vampire hunters have been hired by Van Helsing to retrieve a girl named Ashley who is being held at the Dracula estate. The vampire hunters are going to pretend to be masseuses in order to get inside. And by masseuses, I mean they are going in to have a lot of sex.

Within minutes of stepping through the door, boy goes with Ms. Dracula, and girl goes with Renfield. Oh, and then three girls play strip pool. I’m really glad they made sure to put in that scene from Bram Stoker’s book.

Now remember Van Helsing who hired the two vampire hunters. He just shows up on the estate and has sex with the three girls who were playing strip pool. Yeah, makes perfect sense. I have to stop right here and say I was disappointed that they didn’t go with the obvious of having Van Helsing kill Ms. Dracula with his wooden stake.

Now we know that Ashley is tied up in a room. After trying numerous tools, including a spoon, our husband vampire hunter gets into the locked room.

Then we hear Ashley’s really sad story. They told her she was going to be turned into a vampire and die a virgin. After checking her left breast with his hand, as you should always do before having sex with a virgin, he screws said virgin. She’s remarkably knowledgable for a virgin.

Now Van Helsing shows up in Ms. Dracula’s room and they have sex. No reason given. They are apparently friends. I’d care that this doesn’t make sense, but…

I was too distracted by the giant stuffed giraffe in the scene. Funny enough, there was also a fake giant rooster out by the pool earlier.

Now the married vampire hunters and Ashley get together in the lobby. Then the three other girls show up and the four girls go at it. Meanwhile, the guy is tied up in the shower by Ashley. She found out they were just there for the money they were going to get paid for rescuing her. Then we discover the mystery of Ashley’s sexual knowledge because she runs into Renfield and tells him she’s a virgin as well.

But don’t worry cause everything works out and they all sit and talk to each other. Turns out Van Helsing hired the two vampire hunters cause he needed a diversion so he could come and see Ms. Dracula. All of this is very faithful to the original source material I assure you. Including the ending.

This actually isn’t that bad. It’s just one of those that has way too much sex. I know that’s not unusual for these movies, but the Dracula spoof stuff is actually kind of fun. I wish they had done some more of that. The back and forth between the two vampire hunters was entertaining. Oh, well. Maybe Scared Topless will be better.