Lifetime Film Review: The Cheerleader Escort (dir by Alexandre Carriere)

Posted on September 21, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I swear, how did I ever make it through college?

That’s a question that I often find myself wondering while watching a Lifetime movie. In the world of Lifetime, college is always prohibitively expensive and families — regardless of how big of a house in which they’re living — always struggle to pay their daughter’s tuition. It seems like, whenever it’s time to head off to college, there’s always either a divorce or a sudden bankruptcy or some other financial calamity designed to destroy idealistic hopes and dreams. Inevitably, the only way to pay for college is by descending into a sordid world of scandal, infidelity, and occasionally even murder.

That’s the situation in which Cassie Talbot (played by Alexandra Beaton) finds herself in The Cheerleader Escort. Cassie’s just started at a good college and her best friend is even her dorm roommate! Even better, she’s just made the school’s renowned cheerleader squad! It all sounds perfect but there’s a problem. Cassie has to figure out a way to pay for all of this. Her parents are divorced and, while her father originally promised to help pay for college, he has since disappeared. Her mother, Karen (Cynthia Preston), says that he might “be gambling again.” Well, he’s just gambled away Cassie’s future because, after Karen’s injured in an auto accident, there’s no way that Cassie’s going to be able to afford tuition!

Unless….

It turns out that there are wealthy men, most of whom are members of the college’s alumni association, who are more than willing to help the members of the cheerleading squad pay the bills. As long as the cheerleaders agree to “spend some time” with them, they’ll donate all sorts of money. In fact, that was one reason why Cassie was selected for the squad. It was felt that the alumni would react well to her innocent personality and indeed, they do. Soon, Cassie is spending all her time with the older and richer Terry Dunes (Damon Runyan). That doesn’t leave much time for going to her classes but who goes to college just to sit in a boring classroom?

Anyway, it seems like a good arrangement until another member of the squad, Gabby (Joelle Farrow), informs Cassie that she’s pregnant and that the father is another wealthy member of the alumni association. Gabby is super excited about having the baby. The baby’s father is a bit less happy about the prospect. In the real world, this would all probably lead to Dr. Phil doing a prime time special on “Sugar Daddy websites,” but this is a Lifetime movie so, of course, it all leads to murder and scandal.

And thank goodness for that! I mean, seriously, you’re not watching this film because you’re expecting to see a serious examination of why college is so damn expensive or why so many students are graduating with a mountain of debt. You’re watching this film for the drama and, on that front, The Cheerleader Escort delivers. In the grand tradition of previous Lifetime films like Confessions of Go Go Girl and Babysitter’s Black Book, The Cheerleader Escort delivers all of the sordid melodrama that you could hope for.

Really, we don’t ask for a lot when it comes to a movie like this: a little sex, a little melodrama, a nice house, and big drama. The Cheerleader Escort delivers all four.

Lifetime Movie Review: Homekilling Queen (dir by Alexandre Carrière)

Posted on May 15, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Poor Whitney Manning!

As the central character of the Lifetime film, Homekilling Queen, Whitney (played by Kaitlyn Bernard) only wants one thing. She wants to be homecoming queen! And really, why shouldn’t she be? She believes that she’s the most popular girl in the entire school, despite the fact that no one actually seems to like her. Add to that, she’s rich and serving as homecoming queen is practically a family tradition! Her mother, Connie (Ashley Jones), was homecoming queen. So was her grandmother, Evelyn (Jennifer Dale). Both Connie and Evelyn are determined that Whitney will be the next homecoming queen. Connie’s even taught her how to do a proper pageant wave.

How determined is Whitney? She’s so determined that, over the summer, she even murdered one of her rivals! That’s determination!

Still, things are never quite as easy as they should be. For instance, Whitney may think that she has the election all sewn up but Natasha Hart (Kayleigh Shikanai) feels differently. Natasha is sick of the school being run by mean girls like Whitney. Natasha decides that she’s going to run against Whitney!

At first, Whitney is dismissive of Natasha and her campaign. Everyone knows that Natasha had a drug problem in the past. Apparently, she drove her car into the bleachers while high on oxy. (This automatically makes Natasha cooler than anyone I went to high school with.) However, Natasha is now clean and sober and looking to make the world a better place. To Whitney’s shock, Natasha starts to pick up support for her campaign. Even after Whitney sends everyone in school a nude picture that’s been photoshopped to look like Natasha, Natasha’s campaign continues to build momentum.

Well, if photoshopped nudes won’t knock Natasha out of the race, how about planting drugs on her? And if Whitney has to murder someone to get those drugs …. well, that’s politics.

It’s an interesting film. On the one hand, you’re supposed to dislike Whitney, Connie, and Evelyn. And it is true that Whitney does commit a murder or two. On the other hand, they’re all so determined to win that homecoming election that you can’t help but admire the level of their dedication. If it means giving students gifts to win their vote, Whitney’s willing to do it. If it means seducing the school’s creepy principal to keep her daughter from being disqualified, Connie’s going to do just that. Kaitlyn Bernard, Ashley Jones, and Jennifer Dale all really dig into their roles and do a great job at capturing the unhinged obsessiveness of their characters. Jennifer Dale is especially a marvel as the coldy pragmatic Evelyn. When she glares at anyone who would stand in her granddaughter’s way, you’re left with no doubt that Evelyn is not someone who you would want to mess with. She’s scary but you would definitely want her to have your back in a confrontation.

Also doing a good job were Kayleigh Shikanai and Krista Bridges, who were perfectly cast as mother and daughter. Every scene between them rang true and, watching them, I was reminded of the way that my mom and I would relate to each other. They brought an unexpected sense of reality to a film that could have otherwise just been an enjoyably over-the-top melodrama.

Homekilling Queen was a lot of fun and, given the number of times that Lifetime rebroadcasts all of their films over the year, it’s one to keep an eye out for.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #192: His Perfect Obsession (dir by Alexandre Carrière)

Posted on September 4, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime premiere, His Perfect Obsession!

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!

Plus, I was kinda hoping that it would be like a special Labor Day movie. Since I’m still not sure what Labor Day is actually supposed to celebrate, I thought maybe His Perfect Obsession would provide some clues. (Unfortunately, it did not.)

What Was It About?

Bart (Brendan Murray) is an accountant with a problem. He’s obsessed with both his client, Allison (Arianne Zucker), and her blind teenage daughter Abigail (Ali Skovbye). However, Allison doesn’t want to date him and Abigail doesn’t really seem to like him that much either. Even after Bart murders Allison’s creep of an ex, Allison still doesn’t want to go out with him. She’d rather go out with a sleazy real estate agent.

What is a crazy sociopath like Bart to do? He tries drinking at the local bar but the bartender keeps getting in his business. He tries murdering his mother but that really doesn’t do much for him, either. Finally, Bart remembers that he does have that remote cabin that hardly anyone knows about…

What Worked?

His Perfect Obsession was filmed in Canada and, visually, it made good use of the snowy landscape. I especially liked a scene at the start of the film where Bart approached Abigail outside of her house and they had an awkward conversation while the frozen ground glowed in the night behind them.

The performances were all excellent. Brendan Murray was wonderfully creepy as Bart and Arianne Zucker and Ali Skovbye were both perfectly cast as the mother and daughter.

A lot of us watching online especially liked the character of Ben (Scott Gibson), the world’s most heroic bartender. If Captain America got a job working in a bar, he’d be a lot like Ben.

Finally, there was a character named Lance Lancaster (Seann Gallagher), who everyone liked because his name was Lance Lancaster. That’s like one of the greatest names ever!

What Did Not Work?

In general, I’m not a fan of any movie where the final half of the film is taken up with scenes of people being held hostage. A hostage situation always seems to stall whatever narrative momentum the film has been building up and that’s what happened with His Perfect Obsession.

The scene where Bart murders his mother was so drawn out that the scene itself almost became extremely unpleasant and rather icky to watch. I know that might sound strange coming from a self-confessed horror fanatic like me but the scene was just way too sadistic for a Lifetime film. As of late, Lifetime seems to be trying to be a bit more edgy as far as violence is concerned but that’s really not why people watch Lifetime. Lifetime melodrama should be fun, not traumatic.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I’ve never actually worked with a professional accountant. My sisters do my taxes for me and, when it comes to money, I find that it’s better to spend it now and hold off on worrying until later. So, I really couldn’t relate to that part of the movie.

What I did relate to was the relationship between Allison and Abigail, which felt very real and was well-played by both actresses. It reminded me of the type of relationship that I had with my mom.

Lessons Learned

Use TurboTax.