Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Tattoo’s rich!

Episode 6.9 “Naughty Marietta/The Winning Ticket”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired January 8th, 1983)

Let’s get the boring storyline out of the way first.

Overbearing Beatrice Solomon (Jayne Meadows) wants her daughter, Alison (Dorothy Hamill) to become an actress.  Beatrice’s husband (David Doyle) wishes that Beatrice would just back off.  Mr. Roarke sends Alison into the past, where Alison finds herself transformed into Marietta, the subject of the operetta Naughty Marietta.  Lorenzo Lamas plays Captain Richard Warrington, who is trying to track down a notorious pirate on behalf of the Governor of Louisiana (James Doohan).  There’s a lot of singing and the costumes are nice but it’s also kind of boring because ice skater Dorothy Hamill was a terrible actress and she has next to no chemistry with Lorenzo Lamas.  The fantasy ends with everyone brought back to the present, including Lamas who, it turns out, was actually just a guest having a fantasy of his own.  It’s nothing we haven’t seen before and I don’t want to talk to much about it because the other story is …. A TATTOO STORY!

After years of being the sidekick and Mr. Roarke’s enigmatic frenemy, Tattoo finally gets a story of his own.  When Margaret Stanton (Hope Lange) comes to the Island to award a check to an employee who won the Irish Sweepstakes, Roarke is saddened to inform her that the man, a groundskeeper named Ambrose, passed away shortly after winning.  Roarke assigns Tattoo to find out who Ambrose’s closest friend was on the Island.  Tattoo takes his job seriously.  Afterall, Tattoo was one of the few people who regularly checked on the curmudgeonly old man, always stopping by to talk and to make sure that he was feeling okay.  As a matter of fact, you could even say that Tattoo was a true friend to the old man.  In the end, he was truly the old man’s best friend….

OH MY GOD, TATTOO’S RICH!

After reading the deceased man’s diary, Roarke and Tattoo realize that Ambrose would have wanted Tattoo to have the money.  Tattoo now has a million dollars and Roarke decides that this means that Tattoo is now a guest at Fantasy Island.  Tattoo moves into the most spectacular guest bungalow.  Tattoo orders a fancy meal and leaves a huge tip.  Tattoo is having a wonderful time until Mr. Roarke informs him that guests are not allowed to live on the Island….

WAIT, WHAT!?

Okay, first off, it wasn’t Tattoo’s idea to be a guest.  It was Roarke’s idea.  Roarke also mentions that Tattoo is the one who came up with the idea of not allowing guests to live on the Island but, over the past few seasons, we’ve seen many guests decide to never leave the Island and Roarke has never had a problem with it!  Seriously, I thought Tattoo and Mr. Roarke were finally getting along.  Suddenly, it seems like Mr. Roarke has decided to kick him out.  “I will miss you,” Mr. Roarke says.  Well, then don’t make him leave!  Can’t Mr. Roarke do whatever he feels like doing?

Tattoo, for his part, says that he will miss being on the Island.  He’ll miss Mr. Roarke.  He’ll miss the rest of the staff.  He’ll miss everything.  Tattoo decides that rather than leave the Island, he’ll donate the money to build a retirement home in England.  And that’s nice and all but I still don’t understand why Tattoo would have had to leave in the first place.  Maybe Mr. Roarke just wanted to teach Tattoo about generosity but Tattoo is already extremely generous.

As the show ends, Mr. Roarke mentions that Tattoo still needs to pay for his stay in the bungalow and for all the food he ordered.  DON’T START, MR. ROARKE!

This was a weird episode but it was still nice to see Tattoo get his moment in the spotlight.  I still think he should have allowed to keep the money and stay on the Island.  I mean, seriously, this Island is full of eccentric rich people living in haunted mansions.  Why should Tattoo miss out on all the fun?