As I mentioned in my review of Diary of a Hitman, I’ve been trying to watch as many obscure and forgotten films as possible.  For that reason, earlier tonight, I watched, via Movieplex OnDemand, a 1986 film called Youngblood.

Youngblood is one of those films that is so unbelievably predictable that I’m dreading having to detail the film’s plot because there is seriously no way to make it sound interesting.

Okay, let’s give it a shot.

Dean Youngblood (Rob Lowe) is a 17 year-old farmhand in upstate New York who also happens to be one of the state’s best hockey players.  He’s also lucky enough to have a plot-specific last name.  Just imagine if his name had been Dean Bloodthinner or Dean Oldboy.  You’d have a much different movie.  But anyway — Youngblood dreams of playing in the National Hockey League.  His father tells Youngblood to forget about his dreams.  His brother says, “Go for your dreams!”  Perhaps not surprisingly, Youngblood decides to go for his dreams because, otherwise, there wouldn’t be a movie.

Youngblood ends up playing in the Canadian Junior League.  (I should mention that the only reason I even know that there is a Canadian Junior League is because I watch Degrassi.)  After being taken under the wing of fellow player Derek Sutton (Patrick Swayze), Youngblood becomes one of the best players on the team.  However, he’s not comfortable beating up the opposing players, which leads his coach (Ed Lauter) to wonder if Youngblood lacks the killer instinct needed for professional hockey.  Youngblood also happens to be dating the coach’s daughter (Cynthia Gibb).  Anyway, as you can probably guess, the film concludes with a big game and a lot of shots of people shouting, “GO, YOUNGBLOOD!”

Youngblood is not a very good movie but its memorable for being perhaps the most aggressively male movie ever made.  Youngblood, for instance, has no mother.  He just has an older brother to learn from and a father to impress.  Indeed, to judge from Youngblood, upstate New York is apparently a female-free zone.  As opposed to New York, there are women in Canada and, in the world of this film, they all exist for one and only one reason: to validate the existence of Dean Youngblood.  The coach’s daughter does it by assuring him that he’s worthy of being loved.  All the other female characters — from his landlady to two groupies that he meets in a bar — do so by being sexually available.  When Youngblood has sex with his landlady, they’re watched by two other hockey players (one of whom is played by Keanu Reeves and says, “She do me last year.”).  After Youngblood has sex with the coach’s daughter, the first thing he does is track down Derek so he can tell him all about it.

Make no mistake about it.  Youngblood is a love story but it’s about the love between Youngblood and his teammates.  When Youngblood first makes the team, Derek holds him down and proceeds to shave his testicles with a dull razor.  When Youngblood finally starts fighting on the ice (and, in the process, becomes a man or something), he does it to defend his fellow teammates.  Poor Cynthia Gibb can only watch from the stands and cheer.  She’s finally realized that, by encouraging Youngblood to embrace peace over violence, she was holding him back from embracing his destiny.  Or something.

On a positive note, Rob Lowe looks as good in this film as he did earlier in Class and later in Parks and Recreation.  For that matter, a young and athletic Patrick Swayze looked pretty good in this film too.  However, the characters that they’re playing are so hyper-masculine that they quickly go from being sexy to just being obnoxious.  I’ll admit that, unlike the TSL’s own Leonard Wilson, I do not know much about hockey.  But I do know that if I ever have to suggest a hockey film to a friend, I will always suggest that they see Goon and forget about Youngblood.