I recently watched James Toback’s 2013 Seduced and Abandoned on HBO.  This documentary failed to seduce me but it certainly left me feeling abandoned.

Seduced and Abandoned follows James Toback and Alec Baldwin as they wander around the Cannes Film Festival, interviewing filmmakers and attempting to raise money for Toback’s latest film.  That film, incidentally, is a remake of  Last Tango In Paris.  Though neither Toback nor Baldwin goes into too much detail about the film (and I’m not exactly convinced that they’re all that serious about it to begin with), we do learn that this remake would be set in Iraq.  Alec Baldwin would play a right-wing CIA agent while Neve Campbell  would play a leftist journalist.  We watch as Baldwin and Toback pitch this film to a countless number of potential producers and ask for twenty million dollars.  Without fail, every producer replies that he loves Alec Baldwin but he’s not willing to spend that type of money on him because Baldwin is not a bankable star.  As Baldwin and Toback frequently lament, nobody seems to care what the film is about.  Instead, they’re only interested in making money.

And this brings us to this documentary’s main problem.  It would be easier to agree with them about businessmen sacrificing art for greed if not for the fact that the movie that Toback and Baldwin are talking about making sounds like perhaps the worst fucking film ever pitched.  A remake of Last Tango in Paris starring Alec Baldwin, directed by James Toback, and taking place in Iraq?  Are you freaking kidding me?  I would never pay money to see a movie that sounded that pretentious.  I would never ask anyone else to buy me a ticket for this movie.  If I saw this movie on HBO, I would cancel my cable subscription.  Seriously, no way.

And yes, I do understand Baldwin and Toback’s point.  They’re arguing that a politically-themed, Iraq-set remake of Last Tango In Paris could not be made today because the system has been set up to silence the voice of artists. The industry is more concerned with making money than making an artistic statement.  I happen to agree 100% but that still doesn’t change the fact that Toback and Baldwin’s film sounds terrible.

Toback and Baldwin interview everyone from Ryan Gosling to Jessica Chastain to Martin Scorsese to Francis Ford Coppola and the one thing that every interview has in common is the sound of Toback’s braying laughter.  It’s a very forced and calculating laugh, one that seems almost as fake as Toback’s pseudo-intellectual persona.  And that’s the other big problem with Seduced and Abandoned.  Toback and Baldwin never really come across as being the rebels that they obviously believe themselves to be.  Even when Toback is talking to the financiers that he and Baldwin appear to blame for ruining the movies, it’s obvious that Toback wants us to impressed by the fact that he knows so many fabulously wealthy people.  In the end, the film feels self-congratulatory in the most undeserving of ways.

And yet, there are occasional moments where the film, almost despite itself, manages to escape from the suffocating egos of James Toback and Alec Baldwin.  The section of the film that deals with the history of Cannes Film Festival is fascinating and Martin Scorsese is such a lively and sincere artist that it’s impossible not to enjoy his interview.  (In many ways, Scorsese seems to be the anti-Toback.)  For a few seconds, Alec Baldwin stops being insufferable long enough to do a reasonably humorous impersonation of Woody Allen.  If you’re a student of Italian cinema, you’ll be happy to see a brief appearance from Mark Damon, a former actor turned producer who appears in several Italian spaghetti westerns in the late 60s.  Damon is the first producer to have to sit through Toback’s pitch and its fascinating to watch just how indifferent he is to idea of remaking Last Tango In Paris with Alec Baldwin and James Toback.

Mark Damon aside, Seduced and Abandoned is a documentary that fails to do the former and will probably inspire many viewers to do the latter.