I’m posting this review of Priest for one reason and one reason only. That reason is because I love you and I know that times are tough and I don’t want you to waste your money. Okay, that’s three reasons but they all come back to the main theme which is that I love you. Though you can’t see it right now, I just gave you a suggestive little wink right after I typed that last sentence.
(I’m winking even though, from personal experience, I know that whenever I post a critical review, I end up having to deal with a bunch of flack from people who feel I’m being too “negative.” And let me ask you this: is that any way to treat someone who loves you?)
So, Priest is the latest movie to come out to feature a stoic, cynical hero making his way across an apocalyptic wasteland so that he can defeat a bunch of vampires. The stoic hero is played by Paul Bettany who I usually kinda lust after and I understand that by doing crap like this and Legion, it frees him up to do things like play Charles Darwin but seriously, Bettany deserves so much better than the material he’s given here. The evil villain is played by Karl Urban. We know that Urban is evil because, whenever his vampire followers are killing people on-screen, Urban moves his hands as if he’s conducting an orchestra. Like Bettany, Urban deserves a lot better than what he’s given to work with here.
Priest, by the way, is being advertised as being a 3D movie. Actually, it’s just a 2D movie that was converted to 3D after it was filmed because the folks at Screen Gems think that they can trick you into wasting your money simply adding “3D” to the title of a thoroughly bland and uninteresting film. As well, probably less than 20 minutes of the film was actually converted to 3D. The rest of the film remains in 2D. Seriously, if you’re going to be this cheap, you should at least be shameless about it. Priest, however, is too bland to feel shame in the first place which prevents it from ever being shameless and, ultimately, from being memorable in any way.
Through the Shattered Lens 
I suppose a review of a film entitled “Priest” is about as good a launch point as I could get for this –
Since the world is going to end this Saturday, and you will be either Raptured up into the sky or, I assume, obliterated, are you all preparing special – final – posts?
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Addendum – If not – here’s a suggestion – you could review “The Rapture” – 1991, starring Mimi Rogers, with a supporting role by David Duchovny. Pretty interesting film, and yes, we actually get a Rapture (that’s not really a spoiler).
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To be honest, it keeps slipping my mind that the rapture is due this Saturday so thank you for reminding me. At the very least, it means that I’m going to have to post my latest Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers post on Friday, seeing as how there might not be anybody around on Saturday to read it. 🙂
I read about The Rapture (the film, not the biblical event) just a few months ago. It sounded interesting so I’ll have to give it a look if I’m still around to watch it. 🙂
Personally, I’m not that concerned with the prospect of an actual rapture. At the very least, if it does happen, it’ll mean there will be less of a crowd at the movies this weekend. 🙂
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“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints – the sinners are much more fun.”
~Billy Joel~
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Earnestly, I had my doubts about this film to begin with… but you’ve really convinced me to save my money.
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🙂 I’m just here to help. 🙂
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FYI –
Harold Camping, the guy who had foretold (can one foretell something that does not then happen?) the Rapture last spring revised the date to October 21. He attributed the original errant prediction date to a miscalculation. (Apparently, he forgot to carry the 2,)
So we’ve only a day to get our affairs in order. Sorry that I forgot to update you sooner, so that you might have had time to view the aforementioned “Rapture” film and review it (by today, of course, seeing as how there is no tomorrow).
If Mr. Camping’s ‘rithmetic has failed him again, and he and his fellow Rappers have not been relocated to Heaven’s un-Earthly estate come midnight Saturday, leaving the rest of us behind to a Hell on Earth (wasn’t “Dancing With The Stars” enough? Why does God have to pile on?), I do hope you use this third lease on life to review that film. I would be interested in your “take” on it.
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Thanks for letting me know. I’ll have to make sure I wear a skirt tomorrow, just in case I find myself levitating over everyone’s head. If I’m left behind, I’ll be sure to review both the real and the cinematic Rapture.
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🙂
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