The Greatest Football Team Ever!

Posted on January 31, 2018 by Jedadiah Leland

Radio did not make the team.

With the Super Bowl coming up, I decided to dip into my knowledge of sports movies and assemble the greatest football team ever. Though this team will not be playing on Sunday night, I think that they could give both the Patriots and the Eagles a run for their money.

I present to you, the greatest football team ever:

Head Coach — Jimmy McGinity (played by Gene Hackman in The Replacements). It’s not easy being the head coach of an NFL team. When your team is winning, everyone loves you. When the team struggles, everyone calls for your head. But if you’re going to have a winning football team, you have to have a good coach. (At least, that’s the way it is in the movies. In real life, even Barry Switzer managed to win a super bowl.) I considered both Any Given Sunday‘s Tony D’Amato and North Dallas Forty‘s B.A. Strother for this position but I went with Jimmy McGinity because he had more heart than B.A. but he wasn’t as emotionally unstable as Tony. McGinty led a bunch of replacement players to victory. Imagine what he can do with a team of movie characters!

Quarterback — Steamin’ Willie Beamen (played by Jamie Foxx in Any Given Sunday). Quick on his feet and possessing an arm like a rocket, Willie Beamen had what it took to be one of the greats. He may have let his ego get the better of him but, by the end of the season, he proved that he could be a leader on the field and off. Assuming Willie doesn’t let his burgeoning musical career distract him, he has what it takes to lead our fictional team to the Super Bowl.

Backup Quarterback — Seth Maxwell (played by Mac Davis in North Dallas Forty). What if Willie Beamen does let his ego get out of control again? That’s where the sure hand of veteran quarterback Seth Maxwell comes in. Seth can keep Willie focused on the field while keeping everyone high off the field.

Running back — Julian Washington (played by LL Cool J in Any Given Sunday). Julian may spend too much time worrying about his shoe deal but no one can run a ball across the end zone like he can. Need a second opinion? Just ask him!

Fullback — Al Bundy (played by Ed O’Neill on Married With Children.) You may not know it from looking at him but the last time Al Bundy played fullback, he scored four touchdowns in one game.

Wide Receiver — Rod Tidwell (played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Jerry Maguire). You may get sick of him shouting his catch phrase but Rod can still make the big plays. Just be careful around his agent. People say that guy never knows when to stop talking.

Wide Receiver — Phil Elliott (played by Nick Nolte in North Dallas Forty.) Since Phil can catch everything, he’s a natural pick, even if he doesn’t respect the system.

Wide Receiver — Charlie Tweeder (played by Scott Caan in Varsity Blues). Charlie may be young and he may be wild but he can catch a ball. Once Phil Elliott gets kicked off the team for not respecting the system, Charlie will easily shift into the 2nd wide receiver spot.

Tight End — Billy Clyde Puckett (played by Burt Reynolds in Semi-Tough). Billy Clyde might not like being moved from running back to tight end but if anyone can pull off the transition, it’ll be a fun-loving veteran like Billy Clyde. In the tight end position, Billy Clyde will also be available to prevent any of the players from getting involved in any cult activity.

Left Tackle — Fred O’Bannion (played by Ben Affleck in Dazed and Confused). To quote Randall “Pink” Floyd, “Yeah, he’s kind of a joke. Not a bad guy to have blocking for you, though.”

Left Guard — Billy Bob (played by Ron Lester in Varsity Blues.) Billy Bob might not be the smartest guy on the field but no one’s going to get past him.

Center — Painless Pole Waldowski (played by John Schuck in MASH). The Painless Pole may have been the best equipped dentist in Korea but he was also a fierce linesman as he proved when he became one of the first characters to drop the F-bomb in a major American motion picture.

Right Tackle — Joe Bob Priddy (played by Bo Svenson in North Dallas Forty). Joe Bob was a good old boy racist and didn’t have much going on in the brains department but he understood the system.

Right Guard — O.W. Shaddock (played by John Matuszak in North Dallas Forty). You can’t have Joe Bob Priddy without his partner in crime, O.W. Shaddock.

Left End — Steve Lattimer (played by Andrew Byniarski in The Program). Just be careful about the roid rage.

Right End — Clubber Lang (played by Mr. T in Rocky III). Clubber may have been a boxer but if Tim Tebow can play baseball after football, Clubber can follow his stint as heavyweight champion with a defensive position on the greatest football team ever.

Defensive Tackle — Samson (played by Richard Kiel in The Longest Yard). Samson was a linebacker in the movie but I’m moving him to defensive tackle. It doesn’t matter what position he plays. No one is going to mess with Richard Kiel.

Defensive Tackle — “Terrible” Terry Tate (played by Lester Speight in several Reebok commercials). Hey, the office linebacker had some moves on him!

LOLB — Charles Jefferson (played by Forrest Whitaker in Fast Times At Ridgemont High). A great defensive player already, just check out what Charles Jefferson is capable of if he thinks someone has messed with his new car.

MLB —General Zod (played by Terrence Stamp in Superman II). Every defensive unit needs a ruthless strategist who will do what it takes to destroy the other team. Everyone on that field will bow before Zod.

ROLB — Ogre (played by Donald Gibb in Revenge of the Nerds). His real name may have been Frederick Palowaski but he’ll always be Ogre to me.

Cornerback — Vontae Mack (played by Chadwick Boseman in Draft Day). For some reason, Vontae was happy to be drafted by the Cleveland Browns in Draft Day. After playing for a season, he hopefully saw the error of his ways and demanded to be traded to the greatest football team ever!

Cornerback — Johnny Lawrence (played by William Zabka in The Karate Kid). Let’s see if Johnny can bring the same skill to the football field that he previously brought to cheating in the All Valley Tournament.

Free Safety — Non (played by Jack O’Hallaron in Superman II). Non might not be able to speak but as long as General Zod’s playing linebacker, Non will know what to do.

Short Safety — Benny O’Donnell (played by Cole Hauser in Dazed and Confused). No one’s going to get away with not signing their pledge as long as Benny is on the team.

Punter — Gus (played by several uncredited donkeys in Gus) — That donkey can really kick!

Kicker — Lucy Draper (played by Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness). Did you see that field goal she kicked in the South Texas/Kansas game? Three points can be the difference between a victory and a loss.

Kick Returner — The Freshman (played by Harold Lloyd in The Freshman). He may not have a name or much ability but he’s got enough heart and gumption to lead a team to victory!

Waterboy — Robert “Bobby” Boucher, Jr (played by Adam Sandler in The Waterboy). Someone’s got to keep the team hydrated!

Now, hit the field and make us proud!

As for the Super Bowl, I’m predicting the Patriots will win, 28-3.

A Moment in Time: Miracle

Posted on June 6, 2011 by Semtex Skittle

Today, with my mother who couldn’t recall the film, I watched Miracle.

For those of you who don’t know, this film follows the rise of the 1980 USA Olympic hockey team as they prepare themselves for the inevitable clash against the unstoppable juggernaut of the USSR. Facing down the fact that the Soviets haven’t been defeated by the Americans since 1960, and that they’ve won three straight Olympic gold medals, the USA’s team of collegiate athletes nonetheless is looking at their own shot at the gold. I cannot recommend this film highly enough; it rests comfortable atop the pinnacle of sports movies ever made, and it tells a story that has all but been forgotten… at least, until mentioned.

Today, it’s commonplace to hear people talk about the greatest moment in sports history. The greatest call in the game. The greatest game ever played. The greatest goal ever scored. But, at least, for denizens of the United States, that honour is one that will never be taken from the 1980 Olympic squad.

Miracle‘s most endearing attribute is that it’s about a real story. And it’s a story that thrills people who salute the stars and stripes even in 2011, or it should. It’s a better story than that of the Marshall football team. It’s a greater story than any recounting of a sport on these shores. It’s a story that could not happen without another Cold War – the story of a team of beleaguered underdogs (whom we love so well) battling against the unstoppable Soviet Union, in a time before the internal failings of the Soviets were known. This was a match that meant more than anything possibly can in sports today, no matter what team you root for, or what your age happens to be.

For me, personally, Miracle follows events that transpired years before I was born. My memories as a young man are not of the implacable Soviet Union hanging like a dark cloud over half the world, but rather of their collapsing economy, unsustainable with the lack of infrastructure that had secretly crippled them for forty years. Of negotiations and compromise that saw the Berlin Wall torn down, and a tenuous alliance between the Russian Federation and the United States be born. I have never lived an era in which NATO seemed to hang as an aegis between my life and nuclear oblivion, or where the threat of communism seemed like one which would march across the globe and take from me everything I held dear.

But I still feel the chills across my skin, the goosebumps rising, during Miracle’s climactic moments – the semi-finals between the USA and the USSR. Unlike most other sports movies, where the true draw is the characters and the drama, and a scripted sporting event can never mean as much, the semi-finals game in Miracle is sung to the script of history. It was a real game, where nobody on earth knew the result before it was written. Al Michaels reprises his role as play-by-play announcer, dubbing over his own dialog from the original broadcast, and our actors re-enact the twists and turns of this amazing contest on the ice.

I write about it for three reasons. Each of them single lines from the film, and each of them uttered from the roughly 20-straight minutes of hockey that we are treated to as viewers at the end of the film. Kurt Russell delivers for us perhaps the greatest performance of his career, in what is debateably the greatest film of his career, and what is probably the greatest sports film of all time.

“They just benched the best goaltender in the world,” he assures his team after a first period in which the USA dared to tie the score and the Soviets pulled their goaltender, Vladislav Tretiak, in a game where everyone present knew they were lucky to just be trailing by one going into the break.

“He doesn’t know what to do,” Kurt Russell, as the real-life character Herb Brooks, assures us as he sees Soviet coach Viktor Tiknohov barking terse commands at his team halfway into the final period. Against all odds, the USA’s team is still in this game, as the crowd at Lake Placid New York tirelessly chants “U-S-A!”, waving American flags, their energy carrying that USA collegiate team against a squad that, while “amateur” themselves, were easily considered to be the best hockey team in the world.

Finally, as time begins to expire, the digital redubs that Al Michaels recorded of his play-by-play switch back to the original telecast. We hear an Al Michaels thirty years younger screaming into his mic, as the puck is cleared toward center ice, putting the victory literally out of the reach of the USSR, “Do you believe in miracles!?” he pauses an instant, as the time truly does expire, and then screams “Yes!”

And history goes wild.