Roark Critchlow | Through the Shattered Lens

Before I talk too much about the last night’s Lifetime premiere, Pregnant at 17, I want to share something with you. As of 10:00 pm on the night at February 20th, this is the imdb plot description, which was posted by Reel One Entertainment:

When Sonia finds out her husband of 10 years is having an affair, she decides to get to know the young woman, Chelsea, he’s fallen in love with. Chelsea, a free-spirit who believes in polyamory, brings a happiness and fulfillment to Sonia that she’s never experienced before– especially since her miscarriage which left her depressed and hopeless. The three form a polyamorous relationship until an unexpected turn of events sends all of their lives into a tailspin.

Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn’t it!? Certainly, this is the first time that I’ve seen the term “polyamory” used in a plot description since Utopia went off the air!

However, by the time you read this review, I imagine that the plot description will probably have been changed because it’s absolutely inaccurate. It is true that Sonia (Josie Bissett) does find out that her husband, Jeff (Roark Critchlow), is having an affair with Chelsea (Zoe De Grand Maison). However, Chelsea is not a polyamorous free spirit. Instead, she’s a 17 year-old girl who works at an ice cream parlor. (The name of the parlor is Stella Lama.) And, though Jeff does have an affair with her, he never falls in love with Chelsea. In fact, when Chelsea tells him that she’s pregnant (at 17!), he promptly attempts to pay her off.

That’s right — Pregnant at 17 is yet another installment in Lifetime’s endless series of “…at 17” films. Over the past few years, we’ve seen everything from Betrayed At 17 to Stalked At 17 to Framed At 17 to Accused at 17. Seriously, it’s not easy being a 17 year-old girl on Lifetime! The worst things are always happening to you. Since I had a lot of melodrama in my life when I was 17, I always enjoy and relate to the “…at 17” movies. Pregnant at 17 was a film that I could especially relate to because it was about a girl who had both red hair and a boyfriend named Jeff!

Even without the promised softcore polyamory, Pregnant at 17 was still wonderfully melodramatic in the way that only a good Lifetime film can be. After Sonia discovers that Chelsea has been sleeping with her husband, she goes down to the ice parlor to confront her. However, within seconds of their first meeting, Chelsea is offering Sonia free ice cream and talking about how difficult her life is. Sonia feels sorry for Chelsea and, instead of confronting her, ends up befriending her.

And Chelsea really needs a friend! Not only has she been abandoned by her married boyfriend but she’s also being stalked by Greg Foster (Rogan Christopher). Apparently, before she met Jeff, Chelsea witnessed Greg robbing a convenience store. Chelsea identified Greg to the police and Greg has spent the last year in jail. Now, he’s out and he wants revenge! Helping Greg is his sister, Laren (Corina Bizem). We know that Laren is dangerous because she wears way too much dark eyeliner.

When Sonia confronts Jeff about his affair, he replies, “You’re not perfect, either.” Guys, if you’re reading this — if you are ever caught cheating, do not attempt to excuse your actions by saying, “You’re not perfect, either.” SERIOUSLY, THAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN SAY IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.

(Forgive me for the all caps but I think this is an important message to impart. If I can teach a lesson, I am always happy to do so.)

Now, at this point, I was thinking about a friend of mine who found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she responded by supergluing his penis to his stomach. (Yes, that is a true story and yes, the person who suggested it to her was inspired by Reservoir Dogs.) However, Sonia doesn’t go that far. Instead, she just makes Jeff sleep in the guest room. The next morning, Jeff gets hit by a car and ends up laid up at the hospital.

That now means that there’s extra room in Sonia’s house! And who better to move in but her husband’s pregnant mistress!? Of course, by doing so, Sonia is now being stalked by the same people who have been stalking Chelsea…

Seriously, being pregnant at 17 is the least of Chelsea’s problems. This is pure Choas at 17.

And no, there’s no polyamory. There’s no threesomes. I know that the plot description promised a threesome but that’s not the type of movie that Pregnant at 17 is. This is not Carnal Wishes or Big Bad Mama. And really, that’s okay. Pregnant at 17 is a lot of fun, just the way it is. This film epitomizes everything that we love about Lifetime movies. It’s so over the top that watching it is a pure delight.

Both Josie Bissett and Zoe De Grande Maison also deserve a lot of credit for fully committing to their roles. Bissett, who was so good in A Mother’s Instinct, gives another excellent performance here. Meanwhile, Maison does all of us redheads proud!

Keep an eye out for Pregnant at 17! You will not be disappointed.

mother of all lies

I watched one final film today as a part of my effort to clean out my DVR. Mother Of All Lies premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network on September 12th and I’m not really sure why I decided just to record it, as opposed to actually watching it. Perhaps I actually had a life on the night of the 12th. Who knows?

Anyway, much as in Girl Missing, Francesca Eastwood plays a young woman who discovers the identity of her birth mother and decides that she wants to see her. In this case, Eastwood is playing Sara Caskie, an intelligent but rebellious teenager (a common character type when it comes to Lifetime movies). Though Sara has a comfortable life with her adopted parents, she wonders about her biological mother, Abby (Jennifer Copping). It turns out that Abby is in prison, convicted of a robbery gone wrong. Over the warnings of her adopted parents, Sara writes a letter to the parole board and is so persuasive that her mother is released from prison!

After being told that she shouldn’t contact her biological mother, Sara does exactly what I would have done. She find out where her mother is living, sneaks out of the house, and then drives off to find her. It turns out that Abby is living in an isolated cousin with her scuzzy boyfriend. At first, Abby is shocked when Sara shows up but Abby eventually allows Sara to stay at the cabin. And that’s a good thing because, once Abby ends up killing her boyfriend, it’s good to have Sara around to help cover the crime up.

The boyfriend’s criminal associates are trying to track him down and soon, they are hanging out around the cabin and generally making things even more trashy. Meanwhile, Sara is starting to doubt whether she really wants to get to know anything else about her mother and Sara’s adoptive parents are frantically searching for her and calling the police.

Mother Of All Lies is one of the less impressive of the many films to premiere on Lifetime and LMN this year. Other then one brilliantly executed nightmare sequence, it’s just not a very memorable film. However, the film is partially redeemed by the heartfelt performances of Francesca Eastwood and Jennifer Copping. Francesca Eastwood — and yes, she is Clint’s daughter — has actually had a pretty good Lifetime run this year. Not only did she star in this film and Girl Missing but she also had a key supporting role in Wuthering High School. Francesca Eastwood is great at playing good-hearted but troubled characters. Meanwhile, Jennifer Copping actually makes her character both poignant and frightening. Whatever other flaws that Mother Of All Lies may have, it is worth watching for their performances.