Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, horror comes to the DMV!  Seriously, there’s nothing scarier than renewing your license….

Episode 2.5 “Love Hurts”

(Dir by Manny Coto, originally aired on October 29th, 1989)

Smooth-talking Vance (Henry Brown) is a ne’er-do-well who has a job working at the DMV in New Orleans.  He works with his disapproving father-in-law, Mr. Brownell (Fred Pinkard), who was responsible for getting Vance the job and who is always quick to make sure that Vance knows that he can cause Vance to lose his job as well.  Oddly enough, it appears that Vance and Mr. Brownell are the only employees at the DMV and the DMV itself is housed in a rather small building.  On the plus side, there’s never a line.  Do people just not drive in New Orleans?  I’ve been to the city and I saw a lot of cars while I was there.

Anyway, Mr. Brownell knows that Vance regularly cheats on his wife, Cora (Renn Woods).  In fact, Vance is currently cheating with Jewel (Olivia Brown, who also played Trudy on Miami Vice).  Mr. Brownell watches in silent disapproval whenever Jewel comes down to the DMV and hangs out at the front desk.  Jewel wants Vance to herself so she turns to her friend, Angie (Valentina Quinn).  Angie just happens to be a voodoo priestess.

The first spell that Jewel and Angie cast simply causes Cora and her father to fall ill with a terrible skin condition.  While Cora and her father are at the doctor’s office, Jewel and Vance get to spend some alone time behind the desk at the DMV.  When Mr. Brownell unexpectedly shows up at the office, he snaps at Vance not to have sex behind the desk at the DMV.  Apparently, the DMV is a sacred space.

The next spell that Jewel and Angie cast causes Mr. Brownell to die.  Without Mr. Bronwell constantly threatening to fire Vance for cheating on Cora, Jewel assumes that Vance will now leave his wife.  Except …. Cora’s pregnant!

The next spell that Jewel casts is designed to join her soul to Vance’s.  Unfortunately, this spell has some unintended consequences as the episode ends as a horribly mutilated and zombified Vance approaches Jewel.  Agck!

The gore at the end was very much appreciated, at least by this viewer.  Vance and Jewel were such unlikable characters that it was definitely a pleasure to see them get what was coming to them, the gorier the better.  The ending was effectively macabre but the rest of the episode was far too mild for its own good.  The script was weak, the actors were all a bit too theatrical in their performances, and the story itself played out at a surprisingly slow pace.  Ending aside, this was one of the more forgettable episodes of Monsters.