“This place is about to get real wet!” Captain Pierce (Paul Logan) declares and he’s not kidding.
Remember how you always told yourself that you would do more to protect the environment and reduce your carbon footprint? Well, you didn’t and now the glaciers are melting at a record pace and the extra water is loosening up all of the Earth’s plates. We’re talking earthquakes and tsunamis! Dog and cats living together! Biblical proportions! Florida and Washington are already underwater! What can save the world? Massive sinkholes! But can the military and the scientists sink enough in two days to drain all the excess water? And will the main scientist’s wife and daughter ever get their car to work before the floods come in?
America Is Sinking deserves an award for its title but the rest of the movie is all wet. It’s low budget so there’s some cheap CGI and some stock footage but not enough to make us believe that America is actually sinking. Watch it to discover whatever happened to Michael Pare. (He ended up playing generals in movies like this.) Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich plays a Navy SEA. I guess they’ll let anyone join now.
— J. Tyler Ward (Christian Letelier) in Return to Savage Beach (1998)
Never let it be said that I’m not a completist!
About a month ago, I decided that it would be fun to write up a review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii that I could schedule to publish while I was on vacation. At the time, I really should have realized that this would probably lead to me also watching and reviewing all of the sequels (and the one prequel) to that film. And that’s exactly what happened!
1998’s Return to Savage Beach is the final chapter of the story of the world’s most inept intelligence agency, L.E.T.H.A.L. (That stands for Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law, which is almost as Orwellian a name as Twitter’s Trust and Safety Council.) Once again, security at L.E.T.H.A.L’s Dallas office has been breached. This time, it done by a woman named Sofia (Carrie Westcott), who randomly showed up and passed out slices of drugged pizza. Of course, everyone ate the pizza. After all, why would a bunch of national security professionals be suspicious of a total stranger handing out food? After everyone’s unconscious, Sofia steals the file on Savage Beach.
Don’t remember Savage Beach? Savage Beach was a previous Andy Sidaris film, in which two other undercover agents ended up on a desert island and discovered a hidden treasure of World War II gold. If you still don’t remember the film, don’t worry. Return to Savage Beach contains several minutes of flashbacks from Savage Beach.
Return to Savage Beach also features a handful of flashbacks to the previous Sidaris film, Day of the Warrior. That’s because The Warrior (Marcus Bagwell), who was previously established as being a homicidal maniac, is now suddenly one of the good guys. Apparently, one of the people that he murdered in the previous film was actually a serial killer and, as a result, he was only given three months in prison. Now, he’s out and he’s the newest L.E.T.H.A.L. agent. He’s an expert on lost treasures and that’s a good thing because it turns out that there’s even more treasure on Savage Beach than anyone realized.
L.E.T.H.A.L. is determined to get that treasure, which means that Willow Black (Julie Strain) has to assign her best agents to the mission. (Of course, the best L.E.T.H.A.L. agent is the equivalent of a bigamist who tells his second wife that he’s working for the CIA as a cover whenever he has to go on vacation with his other family.) And so, Tyler (Christian Letelier), Cobra (Julie K. Smith), Tiger (Shae Marks), and Doc Austin (Paul Logan) are sent to explore Savage Beach.
However, L.E.T.H.A.L. is not the only organization returning to Savage Beach. The evil Morales (Rodrigo Obegron) is determined to get the treasure as well. Morales wears a Phantom Of The Opera-style mask because he claims that he was horribly scarred when he was blown up during his last trip to Savage Beach. (Cue more flashbacks.) Morales not only has Sofia working for him but he also employs three ninjas who wear kabuki makeup.
Maybe you’re getting the feeling that Return to Savage Beach is not a serious film and it most definitely is not. Like most Sidaris films, Return to Savage Beach is cheerfully aware of its own absurdity. Towards the end of the film, after about a dozen or so outlandish twists, one of the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents even exclaims, “How many endings can this story have!?” The song that plays over the end credits asks the exact same question.
All in all, Return to Savage Beach is a pretty dumb movie. I compared the acting in Day of the Warrior to Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly playing Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell in Boogie Nights and that’s even more true when it comes to Return to Savage Beach. At times, the stupidity of it all is amusing and, at other times, you just find yourself checking the time.
Return to Savage Beach was Andy Sidaris’s final film. All in all, Sidaris directed thirteen films (12 dramatic features and one documentary). Some of them were really bad. Some of them were amusingly over-the-top. One of them, Hard Ticket To Hawaii, has become something of a mainstay on TCM Underground. Good or bad, Sidaris definitely had his own style. In the end, no one would ever mistake any of his films as having been directed by anyone other than Andy Sidaris.
(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 189 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded The Sandman off of the SyFy on October 14th!)
Madison (Shae Smolik) is a little girl who appears to have some issues.
For instance, her father just died under the most mysterious of circumstances. One of the last things that he did before he died was get paranoid when a police car drove by him. He was carrying a gun when he died, as well. Also, he died right in front of Madison.
Madison ends up at the hospital, where she has violent nightmares and struggles so much with the doctors and the orderlies that she has to be strapped down. Since both of her parents are dead, a call is made to her Aunt Claire (Haylie Duff). Claire is willing to adopt Madison but Child Protective Services is a bit less enthusiastic. Claire is unmarried and hasn’t always been the most responsible adult. She currently works as a photographer, taking pictures of aspiring Bettie Pages in her garage. Can Claire not only prove herself to be a good mother but also solve the mystery of what happened to Madison’s father?
You probably read that plot description and thought to yourself, “That sounds like a typical Lifetime film.” And certainly, there is a bit of Lifetime to be found in this SyFy movie. Peter Sullivan has produced, written, and directed several films that have appeared on both SyFy and Lifetime. Haylie Duff is a regular Lifetime actress. For a financially struggling photographer, Claire certainly does live in a nice, big house, which is one of the most familiar signs that you might be watching Lifetime film.
However, make no doubt about it, this is definitely not a Lifetime film.
You see, the reason why Madison is a nightmare to deal with it is because she’s linked to a monster. The reason why Madison is an orphan is because the monster killed her father. And now that Madison is living with Claire, the monster is coming for both of them.
And what a monster! Seriously, the Sandman is about as frightening as a SyFy monster can get. As you can probably guess from the name, he’s made of sand. The best way to avoid him, of course, would be to go some place where there is no sand but good luck with that. SAND IS EVERYWHERE! The Sandman pops up whenever Madison is in danger.
Nosy neighbor wants to know about Madison’s father? Here comes the Sandman, pouring in through the kitchen faucet!
Hospital doctor planning on recommending that Madison be institutionalized? Sandman!
In fact, anyone who poses a threat to Madison, whether real or perceived, can expect a visit from the Sandman.
Tobin Bell plays Valentine, a government agent who thinks that Madison could be weaponized. He’s probably right but seriously, everyone should know better than to mess with the Sandman. That said, it’s always fun when Tobin Bell is in one of these movies. He’s just such a good villain.
The Sandman was a good mix of Lifetime family melodrama and SyFy horror. As the aunt and the seriously disturbed niece, Haylie Duff and Shae Smolik were believable and sympathetic and the Sandman made for a memorable monster. Watch this movie the next time you’re planning on spending a weekend at the beach.
“This place is about to get real wet!” Captain Pierce (Paul Logan) declares and he’s not kidding.
Through the Shattered Lens 