Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.3 “First Game Of The Season” and 3.4 “Fighting Words”

Posted on December 19, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

We’re part of the team, never alone….

Episode 3.3 “First Game of the Season”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 20th, 1997)

I hope this episode isn’t stupid, I thought as First Game of the Season began.

My hopes were dashed immediately as the episode opened with Teddy begging his teammates to sign his underwear for luck. This was followed by Coach Fuller discovering that the new assistant principal was his ex-fiancée. (“Whoooooo!” the audience said.) Then Michael went crazy because the first game of the season was going to be against his former team, Lynwood High. Michael started pressuring everyone during practice and even encouraged them to skip study hall so that they could practice some more. That led to the team getting detention. (Seriously? It’s freaking study hall. Everyone skipped study hall when I was in high school.) The team nearly lost to Lynwood until Michael set his ego aside and blah blah blah, Anyway, the final score was Deering 57 and Lynwood 56. Yay!

(As usual, the actors playing the Lynwood team were convincingly athletic, even if they looked more like football players than basketball players. Why did this show never realize that casting athletic actors as the rival players only highlighted how much the main cast struggled when it came to convincing the viewer that they were basketball stars?)

While all of this was going on, the Lynwood cheerleaders launched a prank war on the Deering cheerleaders. Mary Beth immediately pressured Kristy into retaliating. This is why I like Mary Beth. She is a force of chaos who continually encourages other people to escalate their behavior without ever running the risk of getting in trouble herself. Anyway, in this case, it leads to Kristy stealing the principal’s dog. And technically, that’s a crime and it never makes sense that Kristy is allowed to keep the dog a the school but you know what? The little bulldog was cute and he got to wear a lot of Wishbone-style costumes. That was fun,

Episode 3.4 “Fighting Words”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 20th, 1997)

This episode begins with the Tornadoes playing yet another game. Danny is struggling on the court and, from the stands, a bully taunts him. Normally, we would look to Coach Fuller to kick the guy out of his gym but …. OH MY GOD, COACH FULLER’S NOT THERE! Instead, there’s some short white guy that we’ve never seen before and he’s coaching the Tornadoes! It turns out that Coach Fuller has the mumps and will not be in this episode. I assume that means Reggie Theus had better things to do than show up for filming. I don’t blame him.

Anyway, realizing that he has a bully after him, Danny learns karate. However, his sensei tells him that karate is not used for fighting. Karate is used for discipline. When the bully dares Danny to a fight, Danny refuses to fight and proves that he’s the bigger man. All the students applaud him. Yay, Danny! Of course, in real life, backing down from a fight is a humiliation that would have followed Danny for the rest of his life.

While that’s going on, Kristy dates a cute but dumb boy named Joey. Joey is played by …. OH MY GOD, IT’S SCOTT WHYTE FROM CITY GUYS! This episode aired during the first season of City Guys, back when Scott Whyte still had good hair. There’s not really much to the Kristy/Joey storyline. Kristy pretends to be dumb to get Joey to like her. Eventually, she realized she would rather be smart so she dumps Joey. Joey doesn’t care because he’s cute. That’s pretty much it.

This was an oddly pointless episode, one that almost felt like it was written by a TNBC AI program of some sort. Coach Fuller would never have allowed this type of nonsense.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.18 “Indecent Promposal” and 3.1 “The Unforgiven”

Posted on December 17, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Finally, it’s time for season 3 and the Lorena Years! But, first, we’ve got one final season 2 episode to get out of the way….

Episode 2.18 “Indecent Promposal”

(Dir by Miguel Higeura, originally aired on February 5th, 1994)

Both the 2nd season and the school year are coming to an end! That means that it’s time for prom!

Tiffani can’t wait to go to the prom. Jake thinks the prom is stupid. When Glenn, one of Tiffani’s patients from her days as a candystriper, offers to take Tiffani to the prom as a friend and to arrange for the Dreams to have a permanent summer gig, Tiffani reluctantly agrees. Jake, however, can’t shake the feeling that Glenn is going to try to make a move on Tiffani, which is just what Glenn does. Glenn kisses Tiffani. Tiffany rejects Glenn. However, Jake (who has decide to come to the prom afterall), witnesses the kiss and he gets so upset that he and Tiffani break up. This would be a big emotional moment if there had been any consistency, during season 2, as to when Tiffani and Jake were actually dating. Since the episodes were shown out of order, Tiffani and Jake would be a couple one week and then single the next. As a result, it never really seemed like Jake and Tiffani were together in the first place.

The prom didn’t work out. That’s too bad. Fortunately, season 3 is right around the corner!

Episode 3.1 “The Unforgiven”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 10th, 1994)

Finally! The third season has begun! And with it, we get a new title sequence:

This is the season that marked the beginning of what most people consider to be classic California Dreams. Frustrated with his diminished role on the series, Brent Gore declined to return for season 3. As a result, Matt was written out of the series with the excuse that the Garrisons moved. The California Dreams soldiered on without him, with Jake now at the center of the band and the show.

When the Garrisons left, foreign exchange student Sam moved in with the Costa family and became best friends with my favorite character on the show, Lorena. Lorena Costa (played by Diana Uribe) is the character to whom I most relate on this show. We’re both of Spanish descent. (My grandmother was born in Spain.) We’ve both got good hair. We both love to dance. We both tend to refer to ourselves in the third person. Lorena’s the best character ever!

Lorena is willing to allow the Dreams to practice in her loft but the Dreams still have two huge problems. They don’t have a replacement for Matt. And they need $500 to get their equipment back from a pawnshop. Why is their equipment at a pawnshop? I’m not sure but somehow, it’s Sly’s fault.

Fortunately, Sly has a solution. His musically gifted cousin, Mark (Aaron Jackson), has moved to California. Unfortunately, Mark has never forgiven Sly for ruining a performance that he was giving at Carnegie Hall. Apparently, Mark was playing the William Tell Overture and Sly yelled, “Hi-ho, Silver, away!” The only way to get Mark to forgive Sly is for Mark to give the performance again without Sly ruining things. Unfortunately, for reasons that are never exactly clear, Sly once again yells, “Hi-ho, Silver, away!”

Well, I guess that’s it for the Dreams, right? Unfortunately, Sly has booked the Dreams to play at a party being given by one of Lorena’s friends. With Mark refusing to join the Dreams, Lorena’s friend’s boyfriend is planning on beating up Sly. To save his cousin’s life, Mark agrees to forgive Sly, join the Dreams, and play the party with them.

I have to admit that I’m a little surprised that it took the Dreams that long to find a replacement for Matt. Considering that the Dreams already had a following at the end of the second season, I would imagine they would have a lot of people wanting to join the band. Maybe they’re all scared of getting on Jake’s bad side. Well, no matter. Things work out in the end!

As for the episode itself, it succeeds in doing what it needed to do. It introduces the viewers to Lorena and Mark and let’s everyone know what the show’s new direction is going to be. The humor is overly broad but the cast has genuine chemistry and Michael Cade’s portrayal of Sly attempting to fake sincerity while apologizing is genuinely funny.

I’m looking forward to the rest of season 3!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 3.1 “Team Captain” and 3.2 “Sexual Harassment”

Posted on December 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to season 3 of Hang Time! Two cast members leave and two join. The theme song remains the same.

Episode 3.1 “Team Captain”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 13th, 1997)

A new school year begins at Deering High and …. wait a minute? Where’s Josh!? Where’s Amy!? Two members of the cast have vanished without warning. The new head cheerleader is Kristy Ford (Amber Barretto), who apparently is good friends with everyone on the show even though the viewers have never seen her before. And replacing Josh as the new player who is obviously destined to become Julie’s boyfriend is Michael Manning (Adam Frost). Michael has transferred to Deering and, unlike Josh, he can’t wait to play on the team!

Mary Beth spent her summer at space camp (even though there’s never been anything about Mary Beth that has suggested she would have any interest in space camp) and, while there, she met and kissed Saved By The Bell‘s Ryan Parker! When the guilt-stricken Mary Beth tells Vince about what happened, Vince dumps her. But then Vince decides to take Mary Beth back on the condition that Mary Beth basically do a bunch of things to prove her love for him. This sounds like the set-up of a 70s porn flick but, since this is a TNBC show, Vince just asks Mary Beth to wait in line to buy tickets to the new Jim Carrey film. Seriously, Mary Beth, don’t take that from him! I would have picked Ryan over Vince too!

At the movies, Vince is approached by a girl with whom he cheated on Mary Beth over the summer. Mary Beth responds by dumping a bunch of nachos on his crotch, once again proving herself to be the coolest girl in Indiana.

Meanwhile, Julie is angry because everyone on the team loves Michael and wants him to be team captain. Julie gets upset that no one wants her to be team captain, despite the fact that she never bothered to tell anyone that she wanted the position and she expected that they would just give it to her. This was a typical Julie storyline, in that Julie was totally self-centered but it was okay because she’s Julie. Eventually, everyone on the team told Julie that they couldn’t possibly win without her and Julie got over being angry.

Episode 3.2 “Sexual Harassment”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 13th, 1997)

In a sure sign that this episode was from the 90s, the men on the team agree to get tattoos but all of the guys get scared and change their minds. Naturally, Julie takes this is an opportunity to make everyone else feel like crap by getting a fake tattoo and then scolding the guys for once again not making her feel like a part of the team. Of course, as the last two seasons have shown, Julie is the only good player on the team and all of her teammates literally worship the ground that she walks on so I’m starting to feel that Julie just likes to complain about stuff.

Fortunately, that was only the B-plot. In the main plot, Mary Beth accidentally spent the team’s entire budget in just one weekend. In order to pay the team back, she got a job as a waitress at The Warehouse. Her boss was the Warehouse’s assistant manager, Tom (Jeremy Vincent Garrett), a former Deering basketball star who apparently used to play for Coach Fuller even though we’ve never seen the character before and the show literally started with Fuller showing up the first day of his coaching job. Tom turns out to be a total creep who is always giving Mary Beth unwanted back rubs and pressuring her to stay late with him. The storyline was handled in a surprisingly mature fashion, considering that this was a TNBC show. A lot of credit for that goes to Megan Parlen and Jeremy Vincent Garrett, who both gave believable performances even when the show itself threatened to get a bit cartoonish. At the end of the episode, Fuller ordered Tom to leave his gym and, for once, the audience’s applause felt earned.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.13 “The Best Game of the Season”

Posted on December 5, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Season 2 comes to an end with …. The Best Game of the Season!

Episode 2.13 “The Best Game of the Season”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 30th, 1996)

The final episode of season 2 begins with Mary Beth screaming, “9-11! Girl in trouble!”

It turns out that Mary Beth was trying to clean the backboard in the gym when the ladder fell over. Now, she’s caught in the net! The team runs into the gym. They’re impressed by Mary Beth’s dedication but then they remember that she just wants to get a car that she’ll apparently receive if the team makes the playoffs. “I thought she had Tornado Fever!” Josh says and the entire team laughs about how the whole school has Tornado Fever. Julie agrees that there is no way that the Tornadoes aren’t going to make it to the playoffs. Fuller yells at everyone for getting cocky and forgetting that they still have to win one more game. Uh, guys …. SOMEONE RESCUE MARY BETH! Eventually, Vince sets up the ladder and climbs up to the backboard to save Mary Beth. But then ladder falls over again and …. ha! …. Vince is trapped as well.

Fuller tells Julie to come talk to him in the locker room after practice. It turns out that there’s a man with a fake Italian accent waiting for the two of them. Coach Fuller explains that the man coaches “the Women’s International Basketball Team in Milan.”

“Really!?” Julie exclaims, “Milan, Italy!?”

No, Julie! MILAN, INDIANA! OF COURSE, IT’S ITALY!

Anyway, Coach Mario wants Julie to come play for him in Europe. Fuller thinks that Julie needs to focus on high school and college before going pro. Fuller explains that graduating from high school and college will make Julie a more mature and better player. Somewhere, LeBron James is laughing. (And that, quite frankly, is the extent of my LeBron James knowledge.) In a rather creepy moment, Mario says that he knows all about Julie, including that Chris cheated on her before going to college. WHAT!? Julie finds nothing strange about this.

“I-a know it-a is-a big decision,” the actor playing Mario says.

Later, in the school hallway, Josh tells Julie that she should take the opportunity but that he would really miss her if she goes. Julie kisses him. “Wooooooo!’ the audience says. Amy suggests that Julie should just go to the tryouts and see what it’s like before making a final decision. Julie says that’s not a bad idea. Danny says, “Plus, you probably won’t make the team anyways.” Julie glares at him but Danny’s only saying what we’re all thinking.

At the mall, everyone listens as Mary Beth and Vince debate whether or not it’s better to get a BMW or an old mustang convertible. But then Julie shows up and tells everyone that she went to the try-outs and she played the best ball of her life. Then Fuller shows up and tells Julie that she made it. Everyone gets excited.

“I made it!” Julie says.

“There’s something else you have to make,” Fuller says, somberly. “A decision …. by this Monday.”

But what about the car!?

The next day, Fuller is frustrated because the team is more interested in talking about Julie’s decision about going to Italy than practicing. Julie announces that she’s going to Italy. The team freaks out. Fortunately, Mary Beth ends the fight by announcing that she washed the scoreboard with soapy water. Sparks fly across the gym. Everyone’s upset about the scoreboard but I’m just happy that Mary Beth didn’t get electrocuted.

At the mall, everyone gathers at The Stadium (I just remembered that’s the name of the crappy restaurant where they all hang out) to say goodbye to Julie. Everyone except for Mary Beth and Vince! Those two try to run a buffer over the gym floor but they accidentally grab a sander instead. The gym floor is destroyed. “Oops!” Vince says.

The next morning, Josh approaches Julie in school and gives her two tickets to a lecture from someone who I assume is a basketball player. I assume this not because I recognized the name but because every guest star on Hang Time was a basketball player. Unfortunately, Julie has just learned that she had to leave for training camp right away. No lecture. No going away party. And no playing in the final game. The Tornadoes are doomed!

Coach Fuller steps into the gym and freaks out when he discover Vince and Mary Beth repairing the floor. Accompanying Fuller is an 10-foot tall woman who I assume is a basketball player. While Fuller yells at Vince and Mary Beth in his office, Julie steps in to the gym and talks to the basketball player. The player and Julie dribble the ball around and Julie is so thoroughly humiliated that she realizes that she’s been way too cocky about going to Italy. The player orders Julie to stay in school and go to college.

At the big game, Julie shows up and announces that she’s not going to Italy and she’s ready to lead the team to the playoffs! Except …. The Tornadoes lose by one point! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO ITALY, JULIE! Julie assures everyone that they just played “the best game of the season.” No, you lost, Julie! Maybe if you had gone to practice instead of spending your time packing for Italy, the team would have gone to the championship! Still, no one is upset at Julie because no one on this show is ever allowed to call out Julie being more than a bit self-absorbed.

And so season 2 ends. Next week, season 3 begins! Will Julie and Josh be able to lead the Tornadoes to another championship? Julie might but Josh won’t because his character didn’t return for season 3. Who will replace him? Tune in next week to find out!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 2.11 “Superman Brodis” and 2.12 “Green-Eyed Julie”

Posted on November 28, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ugh. I can’t get the theme song out of my head.

Episode 2.11 “Superman Brodis”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 16th, 1996)

Teddy’s long-absent father retires from playing professional basketball and moves to Indiana so that he can be close to his son. Because “Superman” Brodis has spent the past 15 years playing across the country and in Europe, he’s been absent from most of Teddy’s life. At first, Teddy can’t stop talking about how excited he is to finally have his father in his life. However, Teddy’s father turns out to be kind of a jerk, constantly telling Teddy that he needs to lose weight and work harder. Teddy says that it doesn’t bother him but, as usual, Josh decides that it is his place to tell everyone else how to live their lives. Josh tells Teddy that he should be angry and soon, Teddy is angrily telling his father to stay out of his life.

(And don’t get me wrong. Teddy’s father deserved to be told off but it still really wasn’t Josh place to get involved.)

Meanwhile, because this season’s writers were incapable of writing the character as being anything other than self-centered and overdramatic, Julie will not shut up about having a toothache. Eventually, things work out on both fronts. Teddy and his father agree to try to build a relationship. Julie goes to Amy’s dentist and, after discovering that she will need a root canal, she blames Amy. Actually, Julie, maybe you should blame yourself for not brushing and flossing. Going to the dentist may be unpleasant but it’s still preferable to dying of blood poisoning.

This episode continues this season’s theme of Josh and Julie being the best players and the worst human beings on the team. While Julie whines and moans about having a toothache, Josh tells Teddy how he should feel about his father. That said, this episode also shows why Anthony Anderson went on to have a successful career after leaving Hang Time. He gives a touching and sincere performance here, especially in the episode’s final scene. There’s a lot of emotional honesty to be found in Anderson’s performance, which isn’t necessarily something that you would expect from an episode of Hang Time.

Episode 2.12 “Green-Eyed Julie”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 23rd, 1996)

Julie upset when she discovers that there’s a new waitress named Nicole at her favorite after-school hangout and, for once, it’s kind of understandable. Not only Nicole played by a pre-American Pie Shannon Elizabeth but Nicole obviously has a crush on Josh! Josh’s efforts to set Nicole up with Danny fail, largely because Danny is kind of a loser.

Eventually, it’s revealed that Chris Atwater (who was the first season’s version of Josh) cheated on Julie in between the first and second seasons and that’s why they broke up. It’s also why Julie is incapable of trusting anyone. It doesn’t help, of course, that Julie happens to see Nicole kissing Josh. Later, when she finds out that it was Nicole who made the first move and that Josh did not reciprocate, she tells Josh that he’s way better than Chris. I have to wonder how David Hanson, the actor who played Chris during season 1, felt about this episode.

Meanwhile, the school is throwing a disco party! Everyone dresses like they’re from the 70s and breaks out some disco moves. That was cute, silly, and fun and provided a nice (and needed) relief from all of the Julie drama.

Next week, season 2 ends! Will Deering made it into the playoffs? We’ll find out in December.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.9 “Style Before Substance” and 2.10 “Son-On-Law”

Posted on November 21, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’ll always remember …. me and my friends at Hang Time!

Episode 2.9 “Style Before Substance”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 2nd, 1996)

This episode opens with Julie and the basketball team at the diner and getting angry because the football team is in their booth.

“That’s our booth!” Julie says, “We’re the champions!”

Strangely, Josh agrees with her. Remember how Josh almost walked off the team because he thought they were too obsessed with winning? Remember how Josh was all about sportsmanship and humility? I guess that all got tossed out the window once he started dating Julie. And another thing — when did Julie become so stuck up? During the first season, Julie was confident but she wasn’t full of herself. This season, the writers aren’t doing her character any favors.

Needless to say, this all leads to a series of increasingly stupid competitions to decide which team gets to …. sit in the booth, I guess. I’m not really sure what they were fighting about but then again, I’ve never played team sports. Occasionally, I play tennis with my sister. I’ve never won a game but I look good in a tennis skirt so it all works out.

While this is going on, Amy is volunteering for the mayoral campaign of Robert Kent. Robert Kent is an obviously sleazy politician who says that he cares about the environment. (To be honest, he reminded me of Beto O’Rourke). Amy has a crush on Robert and is devastated to discover that he’s lying about being an environmentalist. It turns out that he supports industrial development.

“Some of the money can be used to clean up the environment,” says Kent.

“But we wouldn’t need to clean it if you didn’t mess it up in the first place!” Amy whines while the audience goes crazy over the most shallow argument possible.

The good thing about this episode is that it portrayed politicians as being sleazy. That said, I had to laugh at the sight of all the adults listening as Danny and Amy told them how to vote for. In the end, Danny and Amy’s efforts proved to be futile as Kent won and probably proceeded to personally bulldoze their favorite park.

Episode 2.10 “Son-In-Law”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 9th, 1996)

The team is freaking out because they have to win a game against an undefeated team if they have any hopes of making it to the playoffs. Coach Fuller invites a real basketball player to stiffly deliver some words of encouragement to the team. Hang Time was big on getting actual basketball players to make cameo appearances and I imagine that was good for the show’s ratings. But, for the most part, none of the basketball players could actually act so the scene featuring them are often incredibly dull.

Meanwhile, Mary Beth is angry at her father for ignoring her so she dates Vince just to annoy him. But then she suddenly decide that she actually does like Vince which …. NO! NO! NO! Mary Beth is a thousand times too cool to go out with someone as boring as Vince! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HANG TIME!?

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 2.7 “Fake ID-Ology” and 2.8 “When Loss Is Gain”

Posted on November 14, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have one of Hang Time’s best episodes followed by one of its worse! Let’s jump into it!

Episode 2.7 “Fake ID-Ology”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 19th, 1996)

As the episode begins, Coach Fuller is giving his usual pep talk. Yes, the other team is big and they’re good but the Tornadoes have been playing solid basketball! Get out and do your best! Woo hoo!

Except, what’s this? A bunch of Tornadoes that we’ve never seen before run out onto the court while Julie, Josh, Vince, Danny, and Teddy sit on the bench! Mary Beth is sitting in the stands, instead of helping Fuller coach. Amy is sitting next to her and is not in her cheerleading uniform! Oh my God, what’s going on!?

As we find out via flashback, the good players (along with Mary Beth and Amy) all got fake IDs so they could go to a 21 Only Club. (If only they lived in Florida instead of Indiana, they could have gone to Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” The Warehouse.) Unfortunately, things didn’t go well at the club. Vince didn’t have a fake ID so he wasn’t allowed to enter but then he kept calling Danny until Danny went outside and handed over his fake ID. Vince used that ID to get in the club but, because a new bouncer was on duty, now Danny couldn’t get in. Meanwhile, Josh won a round of free beers and got drunk. (He had such a hangover, he tells us, On a TNBC show, even drinking one beer always leads to the worst hangover ever!) Mary Beth and Amy attracted the attention of some scuzzy weirdos who demanded that they kiss them in return for the free beers that they sent over to the table. The resulting brawl led to everyone getting grounded and Fuller benching all of them….

….which is kind of weird since it’s not like their Fuller’s kids. Teddy is Fuller’s godson so it makes sense that Fuller would punish him but I’m not really sure why he cares what the rest of the team does when they’re not on the court. As well, it seems like Fuller is actually punishing the other players on the team by revealing how bad they are to the rest of the world. The Tornadoes lose the game and not by a small margin. Basically, Fuller just announced, “My team sucks except for Julie and Josh.”

Still, there’s a wonderfully overacted moment in which one of the bad players announces that, “I don’t want to let the team down!” while glaring at the players sitting on the bench. And there’s a funny gag about the bouncers at the club and their reading materials. One reads The Gulag Archipelago while the other reads the Collected Works of Shakespeare and complains that Danny is so annoying that he can’t even make it through Hamlet. This is actually one of the best episodes of Hang Time because of the way it skillfully mixes broad comedy and heavy-handed moralizing.

That said, I still think Coach Fuller should have minded his own business. The Tornadoes are supposed to win games, not learn lessons!

Episode 2.8 “When Loss Is Gain”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 26th, 1996)

Because Coach Fuller is giving up getting angry for charity (?), everyone on the team agrees to give up something that they love for a few days. Julie gives up basketball. Josh gives up kissing. Teddy gives up desert. Vince gives up flirting. Amy gives up cheerleading. Danny gives up caring. How does any of that help the poor?

Mary Beth is supposed to give up shopping and, when she goes to the mall and shops instead, everyone gets all judgmental. So, Mary Beth goes down to a homeless camp and starts giving out money, which leads to her getting mugged. Mary Beth says she’s never going to forgive the people who attacked her.

“I’m sorry you got mugged and I’m glad you’re okay,” Josh announces, “but your attitude stinks!”

You know what, Josh? Go to Hell, you prick.

Anyway, it turns out that Josh is poor along with being condescending but you know what? Fuck him and his self-righteous attitude. Seriously, when Josh first appeared on this show, his whole thing was that he wouldn’t play basketball because he felt the team was too focused on winning. Now, he’s bitching because Mary Beth is upset over being mugged. What a jerk.

Bleh!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.8 “High Plains Dreamer” and 2.9 “Bwa Ha Ha Means I Love You”

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tony turns out to be a total coward while the Dreams attempt to record their first album.

But first, the opening credits. Again, because the post-Jenny opening credits for season two have not been uploaded to YouTube, you have to imagine Jennie Kwan in the place of Heidi Noelle Lenhart.

Episode 2.8 “High Plains Dreamer”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 30th, 1993)

Oh Good God.

Like all TNBC shows, California Dreams had its share of bad episodes. In fact, technically, you could argue that the majority of them were bad. It’s not like anyone was trying to win an Emmy for a writing or directing a show like Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, or California Dreams. Still, even the knowledge that we’re not exactly dealing with Friends or Seinfeld here, left me unprepared for the crappiness of High Plans Drifter.

High Plains Drifter is the worst episode of California Dreams that I have seen so far. At the movies, Tony is threatened by a bully. Tony reacts by passing out. Seriously, he doesn’t even get knocked unconscious in a fight or anything like that. Someone gives him a mean look and he faints! And then, while he’s passed out, he imagines that he’s a drifter who becomes the sheriff of an old west town. Matt shows up as the town’s singing cowboy. Jake is the blacksmith who promised his wife, Tiffani, that he would never pick up a gun. Sly is the rich ne’er-do-well who owns the town. Sam runs the town’s dancehall, which is obviously meant to be a brothel.

One gets the feeling that the cast had fun with this episode, because everyone got to wear a costume and speak with an exaggerated Southwestern accent. But, for the most part, the humor is painfully corny (even by the standards of California Dreams) and the cast’s overly theatrical performances quickly wear out their welcome.

Let’s move on!

Episode 2.9 “Bwa Ha Ha Means I Love You”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 6th, 1993)

Jake and Tiffani’s seven-week anniversary is coming up and cash-poor Jake hasn’t even bought her a present yet! It looks like it’s time for to Jake to set aside both his pride and his leather jacket and take a job at Maniac Music. Jake puts on a tie and a red vest and soon, he’s the one handing out flyers and saying, “Welcome to — Bwa ha ha! — Maniac Music!”

Unfortunately, only Tony knows that Jake has taken a job. When the other Dreams — and Tiffani — begin to wonder why Jake appears to be sneaking around, Jake’s fumbling attempts to answer their questions leads to Sam deciding that Jake must be cheating on Tiffani. And, of course, Tiffani believes it because …. well, who knows? This is another one of those annoying episodes where a lot of conflict could have been avoided by people just not being stupid.

Meanwhile, the Dreams record their first album! And hey, it only takes an hour or two! They perform in Matt’s garage and Sly hits record on the big tape recorder. They don’t even need a producer or a mixing board or anything else like that. Sly takes the tape and heads down to Maniac Music. When he discovers that Jake is working there, Sly convinces him to pressure the store manager into carrying the tape.

The members of the Dreams hear that their album is for sale at Maniac Music so they head down there. Not only do they discover that Jake has a job at the store but they also discover that all of the tapes are blank! Sly screwed up the recording but why would the store manager agree to stock the tapes without checking to make sure that there was actually something on them? Meanwhile, Tiffani is so mad that Jake lied to her that she refuses to speak to him. Jake angrily quits his job.

Fortunately, all it takes for Jake to get back together with Tiffani is one impassion speech at Sharky’s. Plus, the Dreams record their performance so I guess they’ll survive the whole blank tape fiasco. Yay.

This was an incredibly busy episode. In fact, it was a bit too busy. Nothing anyone did made sense. Sly was somehow allowed to remain the manager of the Dreams despite screwing up their big break. Jake told increasingly elaborate lies to hide from Tiffani the fact that he had a job even though Tiffani has consistently been the only Dream who probably wouldn’t have made fun of him for having to wear a dorky vest. This was an annoying episode but it was still a hundred times better than the old west episode so it had that going for it.

Seriously, that old west episode was bad!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.5 “War of the Roses” and 2.6 “Short Cuts”

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The season continues!

Episode 2.5 “War of the Roses”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 5th, 1996)

Mary Beth (Megan Parlen) proves once again that she is the coolest girl at Deering High by painting the boy’s locker room pink without asking them. Vince (Michael Sullivan) freaks out about the pink (actually, it’s salmon) and leaves Mary Beth an angry note. Mary Beth gets angry about the note and hires a muscle-bound dude to threaten Vince in front of his friends. Vince tries to get Mary Beth to eat a poisoned chili dog. Eventually, Mary Beth somehow changes Vince’s grades to make it appear the Vince is ineligible to play basketball while Vince STEALS COACH FULLER’S WALLET and tries to frame Mary Beth.

Like, seriously, what the Hell?

It all leads to a really weird scene in which a mock trial is held to determine whether or not Mary Beth and Vince should be barred from being involved in basketball. Finally, Mary Beth acknowledges that she shouldn’t have repainted the locker room without talking to anyone (how exactly did Mary Beth repaint the locker room without anyone noticing?) and Vince admits that his note was rude. Everything works out.

Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Julie again proves herself to be the world’s worst girlfriend by getting angry at Josh for trying to throw her a surprise birthday party. This whole Julie/Josh subplot felt like it belonged in a first season episode but it did lead to Mary Beth smashing a birthday cake in Julie’s face, which was kind of satisfying considering how whiny Julie was in this episode. (“This is why I hate surprise parties!” Julie yells.)

This was …. well, look, it was pretty dumb. But Megan Parlen was a good enough comedic actress to save her storyline. And personally, I’m on her side as far as the locker room is concerned. That shade of pink really was pretty.

Episode 2.6 “Short Cuts”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 12th, 1996)

Wow, Vince sure is a screw-up. He spent the previous episode trying to destroy Mary Beth’s life. This episode, he starts taking steroids. Of course, this leads to him getting acne and roid rages but it also helps him win a few basketball games so …. well, let’s just say that everyone is quick to jump on Vince’s back for taking drugs but no one suggests giving back any of their victories.

Vince is using drugs because he wants to attend a basketball clinic with Coach Fuller and a short basketball player named Muggsy. (I went on Wikipedia and discovered that Muggsy actually was a real basketball player, even though he was shorter than me! That’s kind of neat!) At the start of the show, Fuller announces that only Julie and Josh qualify for the clinic because, in the world of Hang Time, Julie and whoever she’s dating at the time are the only people who can actually play well. Once Vince starts taking the steroids and having rages, he qualifies for the clinic but he is just as quickly disqualified because of his drug use. Fortunately, Muggsy is there to tell him to stop being a whiny baby and to stay off the pills.

In the B-plot, Danny directs a really crappy sci-fi film. Unfortunately, he also accidentally films Vince with his dealer so Vince destroys the tape. Damn, Vince!

This episode was a reworking of the episode of California Dreams in which Tiffani got hooked on steroids and the episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach needed to raise money to replace the school’s video camera. It was predictable but the cast did a fairly good job. If nothing else, this episode showed that Reggie Theus improved quite a bit as an actor between seasons 1 and 2. And he didn’t need steroids to do it! Let that be a lesson to all.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.3 “Harvest Moon” and 2.4 “The Sure Thing”

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Season 2 continues with the search for victory on the court and love off of it!

Episode 2.3 “Harvest Moon”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 21st, 1996)

It’s time for the Harvest Moon dance, which I guess is an Indiana thing. Danny is all excited because Sam is going to be coming home from college so that she can attend the dance with him. But then Sam sends Danny a letter, telling him that she’s fallen in love with an anthropology student and that they are heading down to Mexico! Danny gets whiny, which is kind of annoying to watch. Honestly, why would you want to date someone in high school when you’re in college?

Anyway, Danny gets a rebound date with girl named Veronica. Veronica has red hair, just like Sam. Amy even mistakes Veronica for Sam, despite the fact that Amy wasn’t even on the show last season. Everyone talks about how much Veronica looks like Sam while Veronica is standing right there. It’s kind of rude.

Meanwhile, Teddy DJ’s the dance while Julie and Josh find excuses to abandon their dates and dance with each other. Vince and Mary Beth also end up poking fun at each other’s dates and then they end up soulfully staring at each other when Teddy announces the last dance, which leads me to worry that Vince and Mary Beth are going to become a couple. Don’t do it, Mary Beth! You deserve better!

Danny steals the team bus and tries to drive it to Chicago. For some reason, Julie and Josh go with him. They talk him out of driving to Chicago and then they kiss while Danny drive them back to Indiana. So, Danny is heart-broken but at least Julie and Josh are happy.

Finally, during the dance, another real-life basketball player drops by to visit with Coach Fuller. I have no idea who the guy was but the audience went crazy as soon as he showed up. Fuller, however, kicked him out of the gym for scuffing the floor.

Josh and Julie seems like they’ll be a cute couple and I guess I should accept that the Mary Beth/Vince thing is going to happen because opposites attract. Danny is now single and kind of whiny so hopefully, that will only last episode or two. As far as school dance episodes go, this one could have really used either the Zack Attack or the California Dreams.

Episode 2.4 “The Sure Thing”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 28th, 1996)

The Tornadoes have lost six straight games so Fuller demands that the members of his team carry basketballs around with them everywhere that they go. If that doesn’t work, I guess the season’s over and Fuller’s out of a job.

Teddy is more concerned about asking out Tracy, the new cheerleader. However, as Teddy explains to his new friends, he’s never asked a girl out before because he’s always been “the fat kid who is everybody’s friend” and you know what? Anthony Anderson totally sells it! “You don’t know what it’s like to ask someone out and have them laugh and then you have to laugh too!” Anderson says at one point and my heart was totally breaking for him. Seriously, watching this episode, you fully understand why Anderson went on to have the busiest career of the many actors who appeared on this show.

Vince and Danny decide to help Teddy out by stalking Tracy and discovering everything that she’s interested so that Teddy will feel confident talking to her. Couldn’t Teddy just mention that, as was established during the first episode of the second season, his father is an NBA superstar and probably has a lot money? That’d be a good icebreaker.

Meanwhile, Josh and Julie are dating but Josh is tired of the cutesy way Julie talks to him. I don’t blame him as, up until this point, there’s been absolutely nothing about Julie’s personality that suggests she would talk to her boyfriend in baby talk. Eventually, Julie reveals that she’s only been talking that way because she thought Josh liked it and she actually hates doing it as much as Josh hates hearing it.

During this week’s game, the Tornadoes are losing but Teddy finally asks out Tracy and gets the confidence he needs to lead the team to a comeback victory. Yay! It was kind of sweet.