Pamela Rossi | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!” It’s time for another two fantasies.

Episode 6.17 “King of Burlesque/Death Games”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on March 12th, 1983)

I’m going to deal with the first of this week’s fantasies very quickly because, quite frankly, it’s not every interesting. Rich Little is Tom Vail, a wall street accountant who wants to be a burlesque comedian. He gets his fantasy. He performs at the Fantasy Island Burlesque Revival. He wears a hideous suit with a big bowtie. He falls in love with a dancer. The always likable Red Buttons appears as a Burlesque veteran. It’s not a bad fantasy but it’s not terribly interesting.

Meanwhile, Vanessa Walgren (Joanna Pettet) has come to the Island to compete in the “First Annual Fantasy Island Pentathlon.” However, Mr. Roarke knows that she’s there for another reason. She wants to kill him! A year ago, Vanessa’s husband was lost at sea while on his own fantasy. (He wanted to retrace the route of the Kon Tiki.) Vanessa blames Roarke and she’s put a bounty on his head. Roarke sighs and says, “Fine, but if you don’t kill me by the end of the weekend, you have to leave the Island and never bother me again.” Vanessa agrees….

WHAT!? What type of vengeance is that!? Seriously, if you’re obsessed with vengeance, you don’t just shrug and accept an arbitrary rule from the person you’re trying to kill.

Anyway, Roarke is the judge for the Pentathlon so he’s got various athletes trying to kill him over the course of the entire weekend. He even gets cut during a fencing match! (“If you can bleed, you can die!” Vanessa declares in a wonderfully over-the-top moment.) Whenever anyone fails to kill him, Roarke says, “Get off my Island!,” which is rally cool. Tattoo wonders why Roarke is allowing this to happen. Why doesn’t Roarke order Vanessa to get off the Island. Roarke is all like, “I can’t tell you, just trust me.” The final event is a skydiving competition and I’m not really sure how you compete at that but whatever. Despite Vanessa’s efforts to sabotage his parachute, Roarke lands safely.

Vanessa then offers him two glasses of wine. One glass is poisoned! Can Roarke pick the right glass? Roarke is like, “Screw this,” and finally reveals that Vanessa’s husband is not dead. Instead, he’s a secret agent who had to fake his own death but who is now ready to be reunited with Vanessa….

Again, WHAT!? Seriously, that came out of nowhere.

Reunited with her husband, Vanessa apologizes for trying to murder Roarke. Roarke says it’s fine because Mr. Roarke is very forgiving.

The burlesque fantasy was boring (loved the costumes, though!) but the revenge fantasy made up for it. I love it when Fantasy Island embraces the melodrama. Plus, this fantasy actually gave Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize quite a bit to do. All in all, this was a good trip to the Island!

This week, an angel comes to the Island.

Episode 6.4 “The Angel’s Triangle/Natchez Bound”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on November 6th, 1982)

Death takes a holiday!

Well, not literally. The Angel of Death, Michael Eden (played by Gary Collins), does come to Fantasy Island but he’s working. Years ago, he was meant to take soul of Catharine Harris (Carol Lynley), a woman who was in a car accident with her husband, Brent Harris (Doug McClure). Michael could not bring himself to allow Catharine to die. So, she miraculously survived. But now, years later, Michael has been sent to collect the soul of Brent. Brent and Catharine have come to Fantasy Island to have the honeymoon they missed out on due to the car accident. Michael has come to make sure that the honeymoon is a tragic one.

Michael very much wants to take Brent’s soul. If Brent’s dead than maybe Michael and Catharine could (somehow) be together. But when Brent is taken ill and sent to the Fantasy Island hospital, Michael sees how much Catharine loves her husband. And he allow Brent to live, which seems a bit unfair to …. well, like anyone. Or at the very least, anyone who has ever died or lost a loved one.

The interesting thing about this fantasy was that it established that Roarke is apparently not an angel. When Roarke introduces Tattoo to Michael, Roarke says that Michael “is not like us.” This leads to a funny moment in which Tattoo, upon hearing that Michael is the angel of death, announces that he some work to catch up on. I always like it when Tattoo gets to do more than just wave at the airplane. As for the rest of this fantasy, it wasn’t bad. Carol Lynley did a good job as Catharine. Gary Collins was a bit stiff but it kind of worked for his character. Doug McClure was as goofy as ever.

The other fantasy features Jennilee Harrison as Jenny Ryan, a Vegas card dealer who wants to work on a Mississippi steamboat. She gets her wish and promptly gets involved with helping a writer named Samuel Clemens (Stephen Shortridge, a.k.a. Beau on Welcome Back Kotter) and a kid named Huck Finn (Adam Rich) hide an escaped slave (Sam Scarber) from a dastardly gambler and slave hunter (Roddy McDowall). Did I mention that Clemens is having trouble coming up with a plot for his new book? Jenny inspires Mark Twain, helps Jim get to safety, and returns to the present with a pet frog. Sure, why not? This storyline was predictable, largely because I read Huckleberry Finn in high school. However, Stephen Shortridge was, somewhat surprisingly given his work on Kotter, perfectly charming as Mark Twain and Roddy McDowall obviously enjoyed hamming up his villainy. (To be honest, when I saw Roddy’s name in the opening credits, I was hoping he’d be returning as Satan.)

This was not a bad episode, especially compared to the previous season 6 episodes. Both fantasies held me attention and apparently, the Angel of Death will leave you alone if he thinks you’re cute. That’s good to know!