Divorce is Hell. Losing a common law marriage is Hell. Losing the love of your whole adult life is Hell.

I was in denial for YEARS!!! It was over MANY MANY years ago, but I just couldn’t sign the papers or sell the house. Maybe the Catholic upbringing? Maybe it was losing that connection to when I was 23 and when that young man just KNEW that it was going to be forever? She was my forever, but she left a LONG time ago.

I was in denial. Understand, denial isn’t lying; it’s when your brain is so offended by something that it rejects this horrible true fact. My denial was twelve years old and halfway through the 7th grade. Technically, I was married even though for all intents and purposes- I wasn’t. It wasn’t until she said, ENOUGH- it’s time for government to get involved in all this and really end it, when I finally agreed.

It’s funny that was how my marriage ended because that was also how it began. Years ago, we’d been living together as husband and wife and she said – why don’t we get married? My libertarian instinct replied: why do we need government up in all this? Her: true, but we’d save on taxes and why not?
A few months later, we were married. As for finishing the divorce, I would’ve stayed in marital purgatory forever, if she hadn’t stepped in and said – Enough!

Marriage doesn’t need governmental intervention; for example, in my beloved Texas, there is common law marriage- have joint bank accounts, live together, say you’re married, and presto change-o – you’re married! Sadly, nowhere in America is there common law divorce. I get that there are property issues for some, but for us there weren’t property issues and common law divorce would’ve been a mercy to break the veneer, expose my broken heart, and allow the healing to start. Common law divorce could’ve stepped in where I could not even bear to look. Divorce was beyond looking into the abyss; it was losing decades of jokes, tears, loss, Christmas ornaments, hospital visits, hopes, homeownership, and most importantly – children raised with us together.

Many of whom who know me well, know that I have real problems with things ending: I’m just now watching the last two seasons of “The Office”; so, imagine me admitting to a divorce! I never talked about my separation or divorce, but I can tell you that the hurt is GRIEF, not sadness- GRIEF. Grief grabs your soul by the balls! Grief is the Babadook! Grief is the irresistible pain that you are addicted to because you can’t possibly move on! Grief is borne from death and divorce is death and grief gives your heart that mirage of hope and that fix so that you can keep hurting until you either let go or be consumed. I was nearly consumed.

Divorce is unfair not just because of grief, it is unfair because while the court can award property, it cannot award years back so that you can face the pain with more strength and youth. No, you have to face divorce with the wisdom and cynicism as an adult. No one knows the world’s cold pain like an adult. I knew “adulting” when I was young because of my father. I used to call the scars that he left on my face – my memories of my father. I just took ownership- you think you broke me you SOB? You’re not good enough to even bruise my soul. Divorce hit worse than anything my father did. Divorce got my soul where he could not.

Maybe I am still young because for this reason: I have stupid hope. There is nothing more stupid than hope because hope is the biggest gamble of all. Hope makes buying a Powerball ticket look like buying a mutual fund. Hope is the gamble that you’ll get it right, that it will get better, and this time it’ll be ok. Hope is what I have though, so I’m going with it. I will get right this time and I will find my forever lady. I hope.