John Furlong | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week’s journey to Fantasy Island is oddly unpleasant.

Episode 4.4 “Don Quixote/The Sex Goddess”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)

As always, this episode opens with “the plane, the plane” landing at Fantasy Island and Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading out to meet their guests. Unfortunately, as has been the case since the since the third season, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo no longer share any sort of playful banter before meeting the guests. In fact, Roarke often seems to refuse to even look at Tattoo while speaking to him. It’s awkward to watch because the dislike between Ricardo Montalban and Heve Villechaize is obvious whenever they share a scene. It’s something that is easy to joke about while talking about the show but it’s far more unpleasant to actually witness.

Of course, this entire episode is rather unpleasant, which is a shame because Fantasy Island‘s greatest strength as a show was that watching it was usually a pleasant and undemanding way to spend an hour.

Take, for instance, the fantasy of Helen Hendrix (Phyllis Davis). Helen’s fantasy is to become a “sex goddess.” Tattoo expresses disbelief that the pretty but far from glamorous Helen could ever be a sex goddess but Roarke reminds Tattoo that, on Fantasy Island, all things are possible. Roarke then says that Helen doesn’t realize that her fantasy could be a “a very dangerous fantasy.”

Well, Mr. Roarke, if it’s so dangerous, why did you agree to allow her to come to the Island? In the past, Mr. Roarke has mentioned turning down many requests for fantasies. He is apparently the final judge on whether or not someone will get their fantasy. (Even when Tattoo granted a fantasy to someone who Roarke previously turned down, it was suggested that it was all a part of Roarke’s master plan.) If the fantasy is so dangerous, why give it to Helen? What is Mr. Roarke’s legal liability if someone gets killed while experiencing their fantasy?

Anyway, Mr. Roarke gives Helen a blue potion and when she drinks it, she becomes a blonde, starts wearing makeup, and gets a dress that’s far more flattering and low-cut than the borderline Amish outfit she was wearing when she first arrived at the Island. She is now an internationally famous sex goddess, which unfortunately leads to her being kidnapped by three men (Michael Callan, Edd Byrnes, and Don Stroud) and held hostage on a neighboring island. Eventually, Helen realizes that she’s going to have flirt her way out of captivity, which leads to a smitten Don Stroud helping her to escape. Or, at least, he does until the potion wears off and Helen goes back being a brunette. Stroud is shocked but, before he can strangle her, Roarke shows up and whisks Helen back to the Island.

Seriously, what a thoroughly unpleasant fantasy. Helen comes to the island because she wants to know what it’s like to be famous and sexy and Roarke essentially allows her to be kidnapped by three men who apparently are planning on trafficking her. Indeed, Roarke seems to suggest that this is Helen’s fault for wanting to be attractive in the first place. Personally, I think Helen should sue Fantasy Island for all its worth.

As for the other fantasy, Paul Williams plays an eccentric Texas banker named Donald Quick. His fantasy is to be Don Quixote. (That’s a weird fantasy but whatever.) Soon, Donald and his lawyer (David Doyle) are riding their donkeys across Fantasy Island while dressed up like conquistadors. Donald saves a woman from a motorcycle gang and you have to wonder just what exactly a motorcycle gang is doing on Fantasy Island. He saves another woman (Mary Louis Weller) from her louse of a boyfriend (Robert F. Lyons) and then he jousts with a Cadillac. It’s silly but at least Donald finds love and David Doyle gets a few funny lines over how much he wants to sue Fantasy Island.

Honestly, this episode could have been saved if the two fantasies had intersected. If Donald and his lawyer had turned up to battle the kidnappers and save Helen, this actually would have been an okay episode and the lawyer could have helped Helen file a lawsuit against Roarke. But instead, the fantasies stay separate and the whole thing just feels icky. Seriously, Mr. Roarke was not on top of his game of this week. It might be time to give Tattoo more responsibility.

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week’s episode finds Jonathan and Mark working as physical therapists!

Episodes 1.6 and 1.7 “One Fresh Batch of Lemonade”

(Dir by Michael Landon, aired on October 24th, 1984 and October 31st, 1984)

Deke Larson, Jr. (Ken Olandt) is a high school baseball star who is being watched by the scouts, much to the joy of his father, Deke, Sr. (Jim Haynie). The elder Deke was quite an athlete in his day and his house is still full of the trophies that he won through the years. Deke, Sr. was recruited to play professional baseball but he never made it out of the minor leagues. As a result, Deke, Jr. has spent his entire life being prepared to do what his father never accomplished.

However, that dream comes to an end when Deke, Jr. has a motorcycle accident and is hit by a truck that is being driven by Richie Halbertson (Bart Conner), a gymnast who attends a rival high school. As a result of the accident, Deke, Jr. loses both his legs. Now, he spends his time at a rehab clinic, consumed by his own bitterness.

Jonathan and Mark are the clinic’s newest physical therapists. While Jonathan tries to get Deke, Jr. to accept his condition and forgive Richie, Mark tries to talk to Deke, Sr. With the help of a quadriplegic law student named Scotty (James Troesh), Deke, Jr. starts to realize that it’s better to focus on what he has instead of obsessing on what he’s lost. Deke, Jr. starts to recover from his bitterness and soon, he’s even being nice to the classmate (Samatha Paris) who has a crush on him. But when Jonathan suggests that Deke, Jr. could still compete as gymnast, will Deke, Jr. be able to accept being trained by Richie Halbertson? And will Deke’s parents be able to set aside their own anger to support their son?

If you answered no to any of those questions, you’ve obviously never seen this show before.

This two-parter is pretty much the epitome of a typical Highway to Heaven episode. It’s earnest, heartfelt, well-intentioned, and there’s isn’t a moment of cynicism to be found. It’s the type of episode where Jonathan tells two snotty teenage boys that they shouldn’t park in a handicapped spot and, when the boys ignore him and go into a nearby bookstore, God turns their car upside down. (Plus, they get a ticket!) Even the episode’s title, which refers to the old-saying about making lemonade whenever life gives you lemons, pretty sums up Highway to Heaven‘s unapologetically positive outlook. At the same time, it’s also an episode that, because it is so earnest, won’t take anyone by surprise. If you can’t guess how this episode is going to end, I can only assume that you’ve never watched television or a movie before.

Predictable as it may be, it’s still an effective episode, largely because it is so unashamed of being sentimental and heartfelt. You do have to wonder just how exactly Deke, Jr. managed to become a competition-worthy gymnast in what appears to have just been a matter of weeks but still, this is a case where the good intentions make up for the rough spots.

Next week, Jonathan and Mark help an industrialist who thinks that he is King Arthur. Who does the grail serve?